Improving Self-Esteem

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”- Eleanor Roosevelt

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, how confident you are, how accomplished you feel. It reflects whether a person loves, accepts, and believes in who they are. For some of us, it can go up and down. One day you might feel really on top of everything, great about yourself, unafraid to try anything. The next day, you’re just as likely to feel completely at the bottom, unsure of yourself, afraid to say or do anything.  Then the day after that, you're back on top.


Image:  Google Images

 There are some folks, however, who feel really badly about themselves most of the time.  In addition to having a generally negative view of yourself, having chronic, long-term low self-esteem takes an enormous toll on the quality of your life:

·         You take fewer risks, which limits your opportunities, both personally and professionally. 

·         You’re reluctant to voice or even acknowledge your own needs and always put others’ before yours.

·         You are probably also haunted by past mistakes and worry about making future ones. 

·         You question everything you say and do, and over-analyze interactions with others because you fear you’ve screwed up or embarrassed yourself. 

·         You are uncomfortable when someone gives you a compliment. 

·         You focus on what you’re lacking or missing in yourself and your life. 

·         You worry a lot about what other people think of you. 

Image:  Google Images

Because of how horribly they feel, many people with low self-esteem are reluctant to work on gaining high self-esteem for fear that people will think they are “stuck up” or “think they’re all that.”  Don’t confuse high self-esteem with arrogance.  Having high self-esteem means that you love, accept and believe in yourself as you are; arrogance means that you think you're better than everyone else.  Two different things.  Self-esteem is good; arrogance, not so much. 


So where does one start to improve how one thinks and feels?  Building high self-esteem is a process, not something you can develop overnight.  It takes time, energy, persistence and patience to change old ways of thinking and behaving.  It isn’t necessarily comfortable or easy, either.  As you begin to think and behave differently, other people may not like it and may give you a difficult time.  You may feel uneasy, scared and a little stressed, also, because you're doing new and different things, and you may find yourself in a position to need to give up things and people you're accustomed to having around you.  Changing for the better can, in all honesty, suck.  Big time.  These are NOT good reasons to stop improving yourself and go back to the "stinkin' thinkin'" mentality, however.  When you ride out the discomfort and learn new, positive ways of thinking and behaving, the end result will be absolutely worth the changes you've made.

Image:  Google Images

Here are some ideas to help you improve your self-esteem:

Stop comparing yourself with other people.  Your importance, value and worth are not dependent on what others do, have or achieve.  There will always be some people who have more than you, and some who have less.

Stop criticizing yourself.  Some people have a bad habit of putting themselves down regularly.  They say negative things to themselves like, “I’m so stupid!” or “I’m late again” or “I hate how I look.”  Get in the new habit of catching yourself when you say critical things about yourself and learn to stop the criticisms.  Instead, say something positive about yourself or something you've accomplished.

Forgive and move on.  Humans make mistakes, even when they try their best.  Constantly thinking about all the ways others have hurt or wronged you in the past is a waste of your time and energy.  So is beating yourself up for hurting someone else or making a decision that didn’t turn out how you had hoped.  The past is gone.  If someone else hurt you, forgive them for making that mistake.  If you are feeling badly about how you treated someone, forgive yourself.  Then move on...put it behind you.  Make a mental note to do better next time.


Surround yourself with your Dream Team.  The Real You is a wonderful, unique person with enormous potential and capacity for loving yourself and sharing your love with others.  Keeping company with people who are positive and supportive has a way of rubbing off on you.  It’s nearly impossible to think badly about yourself when you spend time with people who think you’re fabulous and capable of achieving whatever you set your mind to.  There is no room in your life for individuals who consistently put you down, stomp on your dreams, and treat you like a doormat.  Delete their numbers on your cell phone, and unfriend them on Facebook.

Get involved in work and activities you love.  It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re at a job you hate.  Your self-esteem will rise dramatically when you’re involved in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable.  Even if you’re not able to quit your job right away, you can still spend some of your leisure time doing your favorite hobbies and activities.


To thine own self be true.  Live your own life, and not the life someone else decided was best for you.  If you’re making decisions based on getting approval from family and friends, you’re not being true to yourself.  You’re the only one living in your sneakers, and no one else knows what’s better for you than YOU.  Stand up for what you want, and take the steps to get it.


Stop blaming yourself for past mistakes.  There are very few things in life that are in our control.  People with low self-esteem tend to take the blame whenever something goes wrong.  Instead, learn how to be proud of your efforts and give yourself credit for the things you have done well.


Recognize and honor your personal strengths.  Ever hear the expression, "if you don't toot your own horn, nobody else will"?  Sometimes you have to take a new inventory about what you LIKE about yourself:  your looks, smile, health, personality, character strengths.  Don’t sell yourself short.  There are many wonderful things about you, and it isn’t wrong or egotistical to praise yourself for what you’ve got going for you.


Quit overanalyzing.  Sometimes the real problem isn’t self-esteem at all, but a tendency toward overthinking everything.  When you find yourself doing this, redirect your focus to positive things.  Give your mind a rest.

Image:  Google Images

Accept all compliments by saying “Thank You.”  Don’t dismiss or ignore the nice things people say about you.  When you do this, you tell yourself that you don’t deserve or aren’t worthy of praise (a by-product of low-self esteem).  Practice saying “thank you” to every kind word someone says to you or about you, and realize that others have no trouble seeing how wonderful and valuable you really are...because they're right!

Volunteer your time and talents.  When you offer to help others in need, it will take your focus off of yourself and will naturally make you feel good.  And when you are thanked for what you’ve done, don’t dismiss it; practice saying, “You’re welcome.”

Take care of your whole self.  Getting adequate sleep, regular exercise, learning how to relax, scheduling fun activities into your life and eating healthy help your body to release hormones called endorphins, which are the “feel-good” chemicals.

Invest the time and energy it will take to improve how you feel about yourself...you are so worth it. 

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson