From the Counselor's Desk: 2012

No truer words...

"[It's a sad day when] it's easier to get an assault rifle in the United States than it is to get adequate mental health care." (Dr. Nancy Snyderman)

Amen.

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2012

Ever hear the old saying "If you don't toot your own horn, who will?" It basically means that when you accomplish something that you're proud of or have something to celebrate, you should share the good news with others. It feels good to have others recognize and congratulate your hard work and good fortune. (You know you do the same for them, right?)

That said, I'm ready to toot.

I was recently named the 2012/2013 Woman of the Year by the National Association of Professional Women (an awesome organization that supports, promotes and educates women all over the country): "For excellence in her work as The Bariatric Diva, writing a blog dedicated to supporting people of size, and for being a passionate advocate against bullying."

This is a big deal for me. I'm not the kind of person to go around searching for reasons to be in the spotlight, but when a respected group of my peers says, "Atta girl," I want to shout it to the rooftops.

I want you to highlight your accomplishments, awards and good fortune as well. Nobody can toot your horn better than you.

QUESTION: What kinds of awards and accomplishments (big and small) would you like to share with us?

(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

Surviving Finals Week

Finals are virtually synonymous with stress. The very idea of being tested on a huge amount of material learned over the course of several months, with a score that heavily impacts one’s grade, can bring almost unbearable tension. Fortunately, there are simple study tips that can get you though finals with the least amount of stress possible, and enjoy the break afterward. The following study tips can help you relieve finals stress and do your best.

Combat Test Anxiety
There are things you can do to reduce and control test anxiety, such as incorporating visualizations or breathing exercises, both of which have been found to help lessen test anxiety and some of the negative consequences that go with it. Specific stress management techniques, as well as preparation and proper self-care, can go a long way toward helping you maintain your cool and ward off the negative effects of excessive test anxiety.

Don't neglect your sleep

Most students have more activities available than time to do them all, and finals season usually puts an already-busy schedule into hyperdrive. Such busy schedules tend to affect sleep (both quality and quantity). In addition to this, the measures many students take to combat the sleepiness can actually make things worse. Sleep is important for many reasons, and poor sleep can put students at a serious disadvantage. Therefore, it’s important to avoid sleep-damaging activities, budget time wisely, and manage stress to maintain quality sleep. The following are important strategies to remember:

Avoid Caffeine Binges
One cup of coffee in the morning probably won’t hurt, but powering down caffeine-laden energy drinks can actually make you more tired in the long run because they can affect the quality of sleep you get. Step away from the Monster and Red Bull!!
Budget Time Wisely
Be sure you allow yourself enough time to sleep--schedule in your 8 hours as you would any other important class, appointment, or shift at work.
Don’t Pull All-Nighters
Contrary to what some students may think, staying up all night to study can actually backfire and result in poorer grades! (See this article for more on what to avoid during finals season.)

Maintain Healthy Habits
During the hectic craze that is finals season, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and let a few things slide. However, don’t forget the importance of healthy habits —especially during finals season. While you may be tempted to eat junk food for the sake of convenience, skip sleep to study, and basically "let yourself go" until finals are over, taking care of your body is essential and keeping it (and your mind) functioning required during finals season. The following healthy habits are important for students:

Eat Right
Your diet can give you the energy you need to keep going, or cause diet-related stress. Be sure you eat a healthy mix of proteins and carbs, and avoid filling on sugar, caffeine and other junk food. You need good fuel right now!
Get Enough Sleep
If you’re too tired, you may have trouble learning and remembering what you need to know! Be sure to get quality sleep!
Manage Stress
A little stress keeps things vital and exciting; too much stress can make you feel overwhelmed, and even interfere with the learning process. Be sure to keep your stress level healthy. (See this article for more on students and stress relief.)

So be sure to eat right, get enough sleep, manage stress and otherwise take care of yourself during finals week. If you make it a priority, you should find studying to be easier, and the whole process more enjoyable.

Get Organized

Organization comes naturally to some, but is also a learned skill that brings great benefits to those who develop it. Being organized with notes can make the difference between easily finding and integrating the information you need, and not knowing where to find those all-important notes. An organized schedule helps you to pace yourself so you have enough time to spend on each subject and avoid pulling all-nighters. Being organized in your living quarters can keep you from being stressed by clutter. You get the idea; putting focus into being organized can save you stress and wasted energy in many areas of academic life, and never is that more obvious than during finals season! The following are specific areas where student organization can really pay off.

Start Studying Early
If you begin studying before you think you need to, you can go at a more relaxed pace, increasing the possibility that you’ll retain what you learn. Because the stress response can make it more difficult to remember certain facts, avoiding the stress of cramming can help you learn more efficiently.
Have a Study Area
If you do most of your studying in the same place, you not only reduce the risk of losing important papers, but you can condition yourself to be more ready for learning when you sit down there. Be sure to pick a place that’s quiet, distraction-free, and clutter-free. If finding a space at home is impossible, find a space in the Learning Center or Library.
Create Efficient Notes
If you condense the most important pieces of information on a set of note cards that you create for yourself, the act of creating the cards, as well as the ease of using them, can help you to retain the information more easily. Another bonus is that the cards are portable, and you can review them when you have a few minutes.

Choose Study Groups Wisely
A study group can provide an enriching experience where everyone shares notes, helping one another to remember important tidbits; it can help you gauge how prepared you are, and adjust your study strategy accordingly; it can push you to remember more, and break up the monotony of hours spent studying. It can also be a muted version of a party where not much gets done and you’re left with less time to get the same amount of work done afterward.

The key to study group success is to choose wisely: Pick the most focused, "together" classmates you have available, and really work at it. You want someone who will know most of the right answers, and push you to reach the same level of preparedness. Quizzing one another while you work out, having snacks on hand, or playing music in the background can keep things interesting and make the session a little more fun, but be careful not to let things slide in to the gray area of gossip, loud music, and other traps that sap the "studying" from the session. Choose a focused, committed group of people to study with will help, but if you find yourself in a study party that has turned into just a party, don’t be afraid to be the one to bring the focus back to academics — or go home and study solo. There will be plenty of time to party after finals — when you celebrate your good grades!

Source: http://stress.about.com/od/studentstress/ss/study_tips.htm
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

I am grateful...

www.mindbodygreen.com

As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I am more mindful of what a wonderful life I have. I try to live every day with a grateful heart, but it's sometimes difficult when the stressors of daily living loom large. Can you relate?

Tokens of Gratitude

I've decided to "practice what I preach," so to speak; I will start (again) a gratitude list where I write down at least three things for which I am grateful every day. Focusing on what's good in our lives makes us feel a helluva lot better, and makes the difficult times a little easier to tackle. Changing how we think changes how we behave, and expressing gratitude does just that. Some days are easier to identify our blessings, others not so much (one day I wrote "I'm grateful for hot water in the shower"...I was reaching on that one).

The Gratitude List

So, here I go...I am grateful for:
1. my adorable house
2. family who is healthy, safe and thriving
3. my two jobs I love so much
4. my car, Trixie, who gets me where I need to go
5. the people who read my blog

That felt really good. I suggest you join in the feel-good revolution, and not only on the third Thursday of November.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday.

QUESTION: What are you grateful for?

(c)Robyn King 2012-2015. All Rights Reserved.

Suicide

Does that word scare you? It scares the crap out of me (and I'm trained mental health professional). It especially frightens those who have thoughts about suicide and are considering following through. The families and loved ones also suffer.

I've met with quite a few individuals who experienced so much relentless and unrelieved pain, hopelessness, helplessness and depression that they couldn't envision the notion that they could feel better. Some contemplated taking their lives.

Suicidal ideation is a common psychological term for thoughts about suicide but without follow-through. These thoughts may be fleeting or come on a more regular basis.

Ideation may involve:

a detailed plan
imagining what it would be like
self-harming
unsuccessful, failed attempts

Having a detailed plan is when a person decides the where, how and when of a suicide. For those who develop them, it's a concrete attempt to control their anguish in a chaotic and painful life. A completed plan can actually bring temporary relief to the person's torment.

Thoughts of hurting or killing oneself is pretty common among the general population. Surprised? Sometimes when one is in the depths of misery and despair, the mind goes to "what would happen if I..." Again, it's an internal cognitive strategy to assess one's pain and consider the consequences of following through.

Self-harming is a coping mechanism used by people who cannot and do not express the negative feelings that cause them immense distress (they often report feeling "numb"), and the act of damaging their bodies provides pain which temporarily pushes their anguish aside. Some ways in which people harm themselves include pulling off fingernails or toenails, peeling skin off of fingers or feet, smashing fingers/toes with a hammer, and scratching the skin until it bleeds. For example, people who cut often report a sense of being alive and the ability to feel something. Guilt about cutting then sets in, and unfortunately the cycle continues.

A failed suicide attempt refers to a harmful, self-administered act that did not result in death. Some are regarded as not true attempts at all, but rather what's called "parasuicide" (a non-fatal act in which a person deliberately causes injury to him or herself or takes an excessive dose of any prescribed or over-the-counter medications, but not enough to be fatal).

An important and disturbing statistic to think about is that one-third of people who attempt suicide will repeat the attempt within one year, and about 10% of those who threaten or attempt suicide eventually do kill themselves. Therefore, we never take any of these ideations lightly.

[For suicide warning signs, go to this blog entry.]

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There's a saying that "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." If you or someone else has developed a detailed plan, is having disturbing thoughts, self-harming or is tempted to try parasuicide, call 911 immediately for help.

(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

Suicide (Part 2)

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide can be prevented. While some suicides occur without any outward warning, most people who are suicidal do give warnings. Prevent the suicide of loved ones by learning to recognize the signs of someone at risk, taking those signs seriously and knowing how to respond to them.

WARNING SIGNS:

Observable signs of serious depression
Long-lasting low mood

Pessimism

Hopelessness

Desperation

Anxiety, psychic pain and inner tension

Withdrawal

Sleep problems

Increased alcohol and/or other drug use

Recent impulsiveness and taking unnecessary risks

Threatening suicide or expressing a strong wish to die

Making a plan:

Giving away prized possessions

Sudden or impulsive purchase of a firearm

Obtaining other means of killing oneself such as poisons or medications

Unexpected rage or anger

The emotional crises that usually come before suicide are often recognizable and treatable. Although most depressed people are not suicidal, most suicidal people are depressed. Serious depression can be manifested in obvious sadness, but often it is rather expressed as a loss of pleasure or withdrawal from activities that had been enjoyable. One can help prevent suicide through early recognition and treatment of depression and other psychiatric illnesses.

WHAT TO DO:

Take it Seriously

Fifty to 75 percent of all suicides give some warning of their intentions to a friend or family member.
Imminent signs must be taken seriously.

Be Willing to Listen

Start by telling the person you are concerned and give him/her examples.
If he/she is depressed, don't be afraid to ask whether he/she is considering suicide, or if he/she has a particular plan or method in mind.
Ask if they have a therapist and are taking medication.
Do not attempt to argue someone out of suicide. Rather, let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone, that suicidal feelings are temporary and that depression can be treated. Avoid the temptation to say, "You have so much to live for," or "Your suicide will hurt your family."

Seek Professional Help

Be actively involved in encouraging the person to see a physician or mental health professional immediately.
Individuals contemplating suicide often don't believe they can be helped, so you may have to do more.
Help the person find a knowledgeable mental health professional or a reputable treatment facility, and take them to the treatment.

In an Acute Crisis

If a friend or loved one is threatening, talking about or making plans for suicide, these are signs of an acute crisis.
Do not leave the person alone.
Remove from the vicinity any firearms, drugs or sharp objects that could be used for suicide.
Take the person to an emergency room or walk-in clinic at a psychiatric hospital.
If a psychiatric facility is unavailable, go to your nearest hospital emergency room or clinic.
If the above options are unavailable, call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

"Bully for you, sh*tty for me"

(Title courtesy of "Fame" by David Bowie)

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to become a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." (Harvey S. Firestone)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I take great offense when I hear an adult explain that bullying is merely a form of teasing or harassment that's part of typical child development. "Kids will be kids!" "That kid needs to toughen up." "You're too sensitive...you need a thicker skin." Bull patties.

Words leave scars, too.

I learned of a recent bullying incident at a local elementary school (a 3rd grade female student was called a racial slur) and when the student and parent complained to the teacher and principal, the administrators downplayed the incident: "the [bully] didn't mean anything by it...he has a speech impediment, he swears he didn't say it. [The victim] must have been mistaken." Swept under the carpet. The little girl has been taught that she doesn't have an ally in that school, and should anything similar happen again, nothing will be done to stop it.

My head wants to explode in anger, frustration and disgust. Having been a victim of bullying from 4th through 8th grade, I know first-hand how it feels and the sense of helplessness when you're not protected, not believed, and the behavior doesn't stop. It sucks. Infinity.

My intent is to define bullying in terms that most people can understand, with the hope that awareness will prevent and stop this pervasive and damaging abuse from being a common occurrence in victims' lives.

Bullying is . . .

Treating others in an overbearing or intimidating manner

Humiliating another person by any means necessary

Belittling another and trying to make another person feel bad

Provoking evil behavior upon another to make self look good

Being manipulative toward another

What kinds of behaviors constitute bullying?

googleimages.com

rumors
teasing
leaving someone out
hitting
threats
gossiping
mean words, racial slurs, etc.
name-calling
stealing from the victim
kicking
pushing
damaging victim's property
lies
insults
harassment

Where does bullying take place?
Perhaps the question should be, where doesn't bullying take place. It happens at home, in school/college, at work, at the mall...in short, everywhere. And it doesn't discriminate based on race, religious beliefs, gender, or socioeconomic status. We're all capable of being bullies or victims.

What are the dynamics of bullying?

sibling-sibling
child-parent
parent-child
parent-parent
child-child
teacher-teacher
teacher-student
student-student
student-teacher
boss-employee
employee-boss
employee-employee
boss-boss
person-stranger

Who is a bully?
In the movies, the bully is often the dumb, insecure kid who picks on people to boost his self-confidence. It's the angry, outcast student who hates other girls who are prettier and more popular than she.

However, research finds that most bullies in actuality are the successful, popular, outgoing people in school or work. They know how to manipulate situations. They know how to target victims without the authorities catching them. And most importantly, they lack the ability to empathize.

Bullies are also characterized as individuals who have been bullied in the past, and who only feel powerful when intimidating and harming others.

Don't these two girls have anything else better to do?

How are college students bullied?
One would think that as people mature and progress through life, they would stop behaviors of their youth. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sadly, adults can be bullies, just like their younger counterparts.

While adults are more likely to use verbal bullying as opposed to physical, the fact of the matter is that adult bullying exists. The goal of an adult bully is to gain power over another person, and make himself or herself the dominant adult. They try to humiliate victims, and show them who's boss.

Tyler Clementi

Remember Tyler Clementi? Clementi, a freshman at Rutgers University, took his own life in September 2010 when he jumped off of the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River--after his college roommate secretly taped him having a sexual encounter with another male and then posted the video to the Internet. Two days later, Clementi left a brief suicide note on his Facebook on Sept. 22 stating, "Jumping off the GW bridge sorry."

The media didn't use the term "bullying" when telling Clementi's story. As such, his roommate was found to not have been responsible for Clementi's death. [I still can't believe it.]

Students who've witnessed or have been on the receiving end of unfortunate incidents don't know which label to use. [Neither do college administrators and judicial officers, for that matter.] Is it hazing? Harassment? Leftover adolescent behaviors? People just being people? No. It's bullying. Bullying is emotional, psychological and physical abuse. Period.

Cyberbullying

This shiz hurts big time.

In this technological age, it's no surprise that cyberbullying runs rampant. Facebook, Twitter, chat rooms, texting and the various other types of social media are avenues in which these bullies prey on their victims.

Anonymity makes it easier for a bully to attack his/her victim and have no emotional reaction because it's done without actually looking the victim in the eye. (The sign of true cowardice, in my opinion.)
A 2009 MTV survey of about 1,250 people, aged 14-24, found that 50% of those individuals had experienced abusive behavior that was technologically delivered. It also found that older teens (18-24) and females were more likely to be targeted. As the social media continue to play a significant role in daily life, these numbers are expected to increase exponentially.

What are the effects of bullying?
Some people are lucky enough to go through school without bearing the brunt of being bullied, but those who have not been so fortunate are left scarred by the torment that they have endured. Bullying has the ability to permanently change personalities. Victims are psychologically impacted, often experiencing depression, paranoia, isolation and, in extreme cases, suicide (now termed "bullycide").

If Tyler Clementi's story isn't proof enough of the profound effects, think of many of the school shootings (Columbine, Virginia Tech, Oikos University, etc.) in our recent past.

In many cases, students feel forced to drop out of college or programs because feel they are not getting the protection and support they need from faculty to fight the problem, and therefore the option of higher education is abandoned.

What do we do about it?

Colleges need to distinguish bullying behaviors from other student conduct incidents, and set up separate sanctions for dealing with these situations. (On our campus, bullying comes under the category of "Threat of Harm" and often carries serious consequences for the perpetrator.)
All campus constituents (faculty, staff, administration and students) should be required to take training on how to prevent bullying, how to recognize it in and outside the classroom, and how to identify the signs of depression in themselves and others.

We mean business.

Embrace a zero-tolerance attitude toward bullying of any kind. When we see something (or when one is being bullied), we need to report it immediately to ensure that the behavior stops. Immediately.

QUESTION: Have you ever been bullied? How did it affect you?

If you have been the victim of bullying on your college campus, I invite you to complete this 10-question survey, which will help us to better understand and document how prevalent college bullying really is.
www.surveymonkey.com/s/LT36PBQ

Sources:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRUFvQ_25eg&feature=endscreen&NR=1
http://www.examiner.com/article/there-is-such-a-thing-as-adult-bullying?render=print
http://www.thebatt.com/opinion/guest-column-colleges-need-to-recognize-bullying-is-more-than-a-kid-problem-1.2211015

(c)2012-2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

The dangers of sleep deprivation

College students are well-known for never getting enough sleep. In fact, many students are proud of their ability to function well on hardly any sleep at all. However, this “accomplishment” can have dangerous results:

1. Increased Chance of Diabetes

Sleeping less can create long-term health problems. A 2005 study published in the Archives of Internal Medicine found that people getting five or fewer hours of sleep on average each night were 2.5 times more likely to be diabetic, while those with six hours or fewer were 1.7 times more likely.

blog.schoollibraryjournal.com

2. Causes You to Miss Breakfast

Because your hormonal cycle is damaged by lack of sleep, you will wake up in the morning tired, but not hungry for breakfast. Missing breakfast will slow your metabolism, lower your energy levels, disturb your eating habits, and possibly make you gain weight (because of eating more at lunch).

3. Makes You Gain Weight

wellpathclinic.com

In addition to adding weight indirectly by making you miss breakfast, lack of sleep can also directly cause weight gain. In order to keep you awake, your sleepy body will release an excessive amount of stress hormones which make you more alert… and tell your body to store fat. Even if you have the best eating and exercise habits, this hormone will make you continue to gain weight.

dynamicbalance.com.au

4. Increased Physical Pain

Numerous aches and pains are the direct result of sleep deficiency. While you sleep, your body repairs itself, but if you sleep too little, it will not have time to completely rejuvenate your body. This will make your body sore, as well as decreasing your ability to build muscles.

jordanmatthews.wordpress.com

5. Lack of Sleep is...Intoxicating?

Studies have shown that pulling all-nighters (or going without sleep for more than 17 hours) can cause a reaction comparible to that of an intoxicated person with a blood alcohol reading of more than .05. This means that your thinking skills will be impaired – making it dangerous to drive… as well as damaging your ability to score well on tests.

Source: http://www.campusgrotto.com/how-much-should-college-students-sleep.html

I Quit! Top Ten Reasons Students Don't Finish College

Many community college students have a lot going on when they begin their studies; the academic and time demands of taking classes often adds a lot more to do in an already-busy life. Most have responsibilities in their personal lives and bills that need to be paid. They have groceries to buy, kids to take care of, and cars to keep running. The number one reason they drop out is because they have to work, according to the results of a national survey of 614 young college students, ages 22 to 30, that was recently released. The hardest challenge for some students is figuring out how to juggle everything and stay in college, and in many cases, they can't. And when the rubber hits the road, dropping out of college is usually the first thing to be sacrificed.

Source: http://www.publicagenda.org/

Top 10 Reasons College Students Leave/Drop-Out:
1.   Demands from part-time or full-time employment while managing school.
2.   Not staying current with homework and/or studying.
3.   NOT GOING TO CLASS!
4.   A sense of not belonging; a sense of isolation, homesickness.
5.   Financial constraints; low on funds.
6.   Personal family issues.
7.   Academic courses not challenging enough or too challenging
8.   The college does not offer the degree of interest for the student.
9.   Lack of advising, guidance from parents or academic counselors.
10. Moving to a different geographic location.

Let's be real here. College isn’t for everyone, or maybe it's not the right time to attend college now. Whether it's the cost, the lack of direction, having more work than you imagined, or missing friends who went away to school, college can be a challenge that some aren’t ready for. Pursuing an education often doesn’t get easier as time goes by (especially if one's circumstances don't change or improve), and there will always be some reason to withdraw early. How can you manage your life so you can avoid being included in these statistics?

QUESTION: Have you considered dropping out? What are/were your reasons?
Sources: http://collegesurvivalblog.com/ , http://www.publicagenda.org

(All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise indicated.)
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

Heavy Lifting: Tired of Carrying Around that Load?

In my counseling practice, the most common statement that students make is "My life would be perfect if <insert other person's name> would change <insert annoying, abusive or otherwise inappropriate behavior>."

They come to me exhausted, frustrated and downright angry because everything they've done to force the other to make changes has failed, and yet harbor guilt because they care for and love that person and don't want to give up on the relationship. They're out of ideas, and basically want me to provide an instruction manual on how to get that other person to change. If it was only that easy.

These students are not evil, manipulative people. Really, they're not. In fact, they have the best of intentions to bring more happiness into their lives. (We all want that, right?) They are, however, needlessly carrying the burdens of others because they are misled and misinformed about the boundaries of relationships and limitations of personal responsibility. Fortunately, those things can be learned. That said, here's what I (and Jenn Gibson) know to be the truth about this matter:

1. Other people can't be changed or saved.
Period. End of discussion. They have to want to change and save themselves. They have to feel the pain, struggle and cry until there are no more tears. They only decide when they're ready to change, and figure out themselves what works best for them. If they don't want to change or believe there's nothing to change, that's their prerogative and responsibility.

Personally, I now know for certain that I cannot save a single soul. However, that doesn't mean I haven't tried, such as when I was a brand new counselor, naively thinking I could save the world; with a former co-worker who was abused at home; with a friend who continues to have money troubles; with my dying father. Nothing I did helped to change the outcome. Absolutely nothing. (Talk about feeling like an exhausted failure.) With the correct information, a change in my M.O. and lots of practice, however, I came to understand that my efforts to help were unnecessary and counterproductive for me and the other person.

So how do people change? The process goes something like this:

Things have to completely fall apart (what I call "hitting one's personal bottom of the barrel")
Coping strategies used in the past no longer work
They come to the realization that change is necessary
They seek help from an objective third-party (a counselor, for example) to learn more effective and empowering coping skills
Changes are made, and the person has an improved sense of pride, self-sufficiency and self-satisfaction.

2. We are only responsible for ourselves.
I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, needs, actions, words, happiness, beliefs, ideals, decisions, dreams, hopes, fears, failures, victories. They are mine and only mine. And you are in charge of yours and yours alone.
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You must not take on burdens for another person. You can’t fill the void in them. You can’t protect them from the things that scare the bejeezus out of them. When you step in and take over, you're doing them a great disservice--you're removing the opportunity for that person to experience real growth and a chance to come to terms with those things that cause them the greatest pain. As a consquence, they don't learn how to handle that pain in ways that are meaningful and helpful for them so they can move forward.

When I reflect upon my most difficult, hopeless, darkest, sobbing-on-my-hands-and-knees-and-praying-to-God-for-the-pain-to-end periods, that's when I grew the most, when I discovered how strong I really was, and got crystal clear about who I am and what I need. No one could help me do it, speed it along, or do it for me. Nope, that s**t was mine to deal with. I had to muster up the courage to take that journey toward change and health. And the victory in learning how to get through the pain and move forward with my life was a result of my efforts to change. I learned how to take care of myself. Which leads me to...

3. Caring for yourself first and getting your needs met must be your top priority.

You are Number One. The Big Enchilada. The Grand Poobah. You deserve to take good care of you and get everything you need. When you instead put another before you, at the end of the day you’ll be exhausted, have zero energy, frustrated and eventually resentful of the other person...not to mention upset with yourself for doing so damn much with no improvement or change to show for it.

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This is the hardest concept to really get our minds around, I think. When someone you love is hurting, you want it to stop. And you want to stop it. Now.

Think about it this way: if you've ever flown in an airplane, the flight attendants remind us that if the cabin pressure drops, and the oxygen mask falls down, we are to put it on ourselves first. We can't help others if we're gasping for air. This is an obvious exercise in self-care.

Instead, you can show your care and concern by taking a step back and let your loved one take those first scary steps toward change on their own. Put your own oxygen mask on. Let others decide when it's time for air; they really do know what they need.

4. The only person in the whole world who can make you happy is you.
It's a slippery slope to be on when you rely on another to provide you with joy, affirmation, contentment and self-fulfillment...which, when you think about it, are not really yours at all. It also places an unfair burden on the other person who consequently feels responsible for your happiness...when they should really be focusing only on their own.

Instead, manifest your own happiness by recognizing and valuing all of your wonderful, unique qualities and abilities, and in the things that light you up...and own them as all yours.

5. A broken heart can only be healed from the inside.

A question I'm often asked by people who are grieving is, "How long will it take until I feel better?" and I reply, "As long as it takes." There is no recipe or timeline for grief. People need to fully experience their feelings in their own time, which can often be distressful to others looking on. What you can do as a supportive outsider is be a sounding board, offer a compassionate ear, refrain from giving advice, love them, celebrate each baby-step toward victory, and remind them that in time it will get easier and better (because it always get easier and better).

6. Setting up appropriate boundaries between you and others is healthy for you and them.

Ever hear the saying, "Good fences make good neighbors?" Knowing when to draw the line in the sand to protect you from taking on others' problems is the best gift you can give yourself. In doing so, others are forced to learn the important life coping skills that everyone needs to survive. And that's the best gift you can give them.

So...what's my "heavy lifting" lesson?
I am accountable to and for myself only. (Say it with me, people!)

As mentioned earlier, it's taken me many years to really embrace this, and it's still a challenge to live it every day. Laying down that heavy load of taking on responsibility for others' well-being and caring for myself first is a huge relief. When I'm successful, it feels good. Really good. Damn good. Stepping back gives me breathing room to focus on myself and demonstrates that I trust the person is capable of figuring things out in a way that's best for them.

When I'm okay, my relationships are okay, too. And like the L'oreal commercials say, I'm worth it. So are you.

Source: http://www.rootsofshe.com/heavy-lifting-lessons/

All images courtesy of Google Images.
(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

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