Good grief: What is it, for crying out loud?

Sounds like an oxymoron, eh?  Anyone in the throes and agony of grief would call it anything but good. 

But it is.

What is it?
According to the Mayo Clinic, grief is a natural reaction to loss.  It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. People may associate grief with the death of a loved one (which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief) but any loss can cause grief, including:

Divorce or relationship breakup Loss of health Losing a job Loss of financial stability A miscarriage Retirement

Death of a pet Loss of a cherished dream A loved one’s serious illness Loss of a friendship Loss of safety after a trauma Selling the family home

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss.

The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving.  It takes as long as it takes.  Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years.

Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.



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Myths and Facts About Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact:  Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse later on. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to "man up" or be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact:  Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss.  Crying doesn’t mean you are weak.  You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact:  Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one.  Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving.   It takes as long as it takes.

Next:  Why does it hurt so freakin' bad?


Source:  http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

Good grief: Why does it hurt so freakin' bad?

Did you know that crying is the fastest method to release stress hormones?
Tears are composed mostly of water, salt and cortisol.



 

Why does it hurt so freakin' bad?
Grief can often overwhelm us with both psychological and physical symptoms at a time when we are in a weakened state to deal with them. We are bombarded with a constant stream of thoughts and emotions, and our bodies feel like crap. We worry that the pain, sadness and inner chaos will never end. 

Grieving causes distress because it hurts so intensely and we are never quite prepared for the impact it produces. To ease your mind, what follows is a breakdown of the typical psychological and physical symptoms people in distress often experience.

Common psychological reactions to traumatic events

• overwhelming sadness
• disbelief, stress, discomfort
• emotional numbing, confusion
• nightmares and other sleep disturbances
• anger, fear, moodiness, and irritability
• disinterest in maintaining good hygiene
• flashbacks
• survivor guilt
• hypervigilance ("radar" is always on), jumpiness, easily startled
• loss of hope
• social withdrawal
• increased use of alcohol and drugs
• desiring isolation from others

Typical physical symptoms

• increase in cortisol (a stress hormone)
• loss of appetite or desire to eat more than usual
• insomnia or sleeping too much
• feeling lethargic or exhausted most of the time
• forgetfulness
• confusion or feeling "foggy-headed"
• amplified aches and pains
• inability to concentrate
• nausea
• constipation or diarrhea
• chest pressure
• racing heart
• shortness of breath
• panic attacks
• increased anxiety

Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.

However, if your distress causes debilitating pain or thoughts of suicide, call 911 and seek emergency help immediately.

Next:  How do I get it to stop?

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

Good grief: How do I get it to stop?

How do I get it to stop?


Coping with grief and loss tip 1: Get support

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

• Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
  
• Draw comfort from your faith – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you – such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
  
• Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
  
• Talk to a counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

Coping with grief and loss tip 2: Take care of yourself



When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

• Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
  
• Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
  
• Do not neglect your body. The healthier you are physically, the better you will be able to cope emotionally. If you have existing health problems, see your doctor to monitor your condition. Make sure that stress does not cause problems. Eat properly and get enough rest and exercise.
• Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
• Learn some healthy relaxation techniques.
• Take a break from your grief and do something you enjoy. Finding a moment of joy does not mean you are disloyal to the memory of your loved one.
  
• Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

There is life after grief.   If you allow yourself to grieve in the short term, you will feel better in the long run.   You will feel happy again. Your life will go on.

Promise.


Sources:   Nancy E. Crump, M.S., Certified Grief Counselor
Coping with Grief and Loss 

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson