Soft Skills Hack: Improving Your Communication Skills

In my line of work, having well-developed communication skills is a requirement.  Counselors are trained to be active listeners, reiterate what we hear the other person has said, and to respond without giving advice or bringing our opinions or feelings into it.

The result is open, mutually-respectful communication where both people feel heard and understood, and a positive rapport develops between us.  It's human nature that we all want to be heard and understood.

Unfortunately, I estimate that about 95% of the difficulties students come to me with are directly related to poor or inadequate communication.  No joke. 

The tough part is that most (if not all) people think they're great communicators, but that high percentage I just quoted blows that mindset out of the water.

There are three relatively simple steps to improve how we communicate with others.

Listen actively.  This means that you are listening only to what the other person is saying.  You're not up in your head, thinking of the next thing to say (you can't listen and think at the same time--trust me on this one).  You're paying attention to the words and the feelings that are wrapped around them.  Look directly at them, and show your interest in what they're saying.

Summarize.  You simply restate what the person has said.  A good way of doing this is, "If I heard you correctly, you said ___________."  This shows the other person that you really did hear what he/she said, gives them the opportunity to either correct you or fill in anything that you might have missed.  (If he/she is going on for a bit, stop them politely by saying, "Hold on...I want to make sure I'm hearing everything you've said so far.  Am I correct that you said ________?" Then ask them to continue.)

Respond only to what the other person has said, without giving advice or sharing your feelings or opinions.  This is where it gets a little difficult.  We're so accustomed to solving problems, telling others what we think is right, and how we feel about things.  But when we do this, we are actually breaking down that communication with the other person.

This video (courtesy of http://www.rhemaresourcecentre.com/) does a very good job at further explaining these techniques (Note:  the video content actually ends at 2 minutes and 30 seconds.)

Here's a conversation between good friends done in two ways (see if you can choose the better way of communication):

VERSION ONE
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  Yeah, she's a b&*%$.  My brother took my PS3 and spilled soda on it and now it's a piece of crap.  He's always pulling crap like that.  I hate him.  My parents are always up my butt, too.  I need to move out and get my own place.
Lucy:  Are you listening to me?
Charlie:  Uh, yeah, right.  What were we talking about?
Lucy:  How much I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  Right.  I think you should go in her room, trash it, take one of her shirts and slice it up, then leave it on her bed.  That'll teach her not to mess with your stuff.
Lucy:  You're a whack job, Charlie Brown.  Later. 

VERSION TWO
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  I can tell you're really mad at her for not asking your permission and then ruining your shirt.
Lucy:  Yeah, I'm mad!  It was my favorite shirt.  I hate that she does stuff like that.
Charlie:  I can relate.  No one likes to be disrespected.
Lucy:  You hit it on the head.  She disrespects me all the time and I don't know what to do.
Charlie:  What do you think you could do to let her know how you feel?
Lucy:  I need to talk to her...and maybe change the lock on my room.
Charlie:  Talking to her?  Changing the lock?  I think those are good ideas.
Lucy:  Thanks, Charlie.

As corny as these examples may seem, you can see the huge difference in how they ended.  Lucy felt heard and understood, and appreciated Charlie's support in the second version.  He validated her feelings, and instead of giving her advice or his opinion, he let her come up with a solution that would work for HER.  Their friendship is a little bit stronger as a result.


You, too, can improve your communication skills by trying these techniques.  As a result, you will notice that you'll have fewer disagreements and arguments, and your relationships with be stronger and healthier.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Keeping the balls in the air: Juggling college with the rest of your life

We all lead busy lives.  (I know...duh.)  We have many responsibilities to ourselves and others that take up a good deal of our time.  Having a full-time job, a spouse or significant other, kids, going out with friends, volunteer activities, caring for a sick family member...all of these contribute to our very full schedules.  Don't you sometimes wonder how we get it all done in the 168 hours we're alloted every week?

When we make the decision to pursue a college education, we're adding a HUGE task to juggle with the rest.  How do college students manage to keep all the balls in the air?  The truth is, they can't and don't, and in all honesty, they shouldn't expect to.  Some things simply have to take a back seat when you go to college.  For reals.

I realize that statement is one you probably didn't want to hear.  We're expected to "do it all" and "git 'er done," and be all things to all people, but it's virtually impossible when you choose to come to college.  So how does one make the best of it?  There are three keys to getting everything done with your sanity intact:  setting priorities, time management, and organization.

Setting priorities is the first thing to do.  Make a list of everything that you have to do in any particular week.  Include things like work, commuting to work and campus, the kids' activities, class time, laundry, sleep, study time, household chores, grocery shopping, recreational activities, etc.  Then put a "1" next to the five most important things that must be done by you--in other words, no one else can do it.  (Note:  it is assumed that "doing well in and finishing college" is a "1.")  Put a "2" next to the three important tasks that you need to do, but with less urgency.  Finally, put a "3" next to the three tasks that, if you didn't do them, your life wouldn't fall apart.  Now...do you have any items that didn't get assigned a number?  Delegate these to a family member or friend, or perhaps they can be put on hold indefinitely.

Time management is the next hurdle to tackle.  You will need a weekly planner, and a monthly calendar that you can hang on the wall.  Now that you have your tasks prioritized, you can begin to schedule them (yes, I said schedule) in your planner and on the wall calendar.  Start with the "1's" and then the "2's".  When finding study time in your week, remember to allow 2 hours of study for every credit you're taking.  If you're registered for 15 credits, you need to find 30 hours every week to study; six credits requires 12 hours of study time.  Take all of your course syllabi (outlines) and write in all of your quizzes, exams, and research paper due dates.  If you have kids who are school-aged, include their vacation weeks (be sure you have reliable child-care--and a reliable backup--because our college vacations do not coincide with the public school calendars).

Take a look at your planner.  Is there enough time to get your priority tasks done?  Yes?  Great.  No?  Then you need to go back to your priority list and either get rid of something or delegate it for someone else to do.  Do you need to cut your hours at work?  Will you have to turn down the invitation to be your kid's homeroom parent?  Say no to going out every Saturday night, shopping or taking a trip?

You may find sticking to this super-tight schedule to be difficult because you're not accustomed to it.  It will help if you make a habit of looking at your calendar at least 3 times each day:  when you first wake up, in the middle of the day, and after dinner.  If you stay with it, in time it will feel like second nature...eventually you won't be able to function without your planner!  (If you need additional assistance with time management, visit the Learning Center in Elston 528.)

The last step is getting organized.  Now that you know how your time is being spent each week, choose a day (Sunday, perhaps?) to get ready for the rest of the week.  Put together the clothes you and your kids will wear each day so no time will be wasted wondering what to put on.  Get your backpack ready so you can walk out the door on time.  Plan your meals and perhaps get acquainted with how to use a Crock-Pot, or cook all of your

meals ahead of time so they can be warmed up later.  Look over this week's schedule...do you have a quiz or a paper due?  A doctor's appointment?  Do you need to arrange transportation for yourself or the kids?  Get all of your prep work for the week completed, so you'll feel less stressed and ready to tackle your busy schedule.

Another very important way to stay organized is to find a dedicated space where you will do homework, write your papers, complete reading assignments and study...uninterrupted.  Whether it's in your home office, bedroom, the Learning Center or Library, find one place where you won't be bothered and go there when your schedule tells you to.  It's absolutely impossible to get any school work done when the television is blasting, you're trying to get the kids to bed, or the phone won't stop ringing.  You need a quiet space to help you do the best work you're capable of.  One more thing...be sure you have everything you need to get your work done, such as paper, pens, textbook, laptop.  Turn off the phone and get crackin'.

Coming to college will no doubt put you closer to your personal and career goals, but it is an enormous addition to our already-busy lives.  Setting your priorities, effectively managing your time and staying organized will help keep most of the balls in the air.

QUESTION:  How do you manage your life?

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

When the glass is half-full: The benefits of living with a positive attitude

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."  (Winston Churchill)

Attending college is an awesome and wonderful experience, yet it causes a lot of anxiety and worry for many students.  You may worry about being able to cut it, whether you've got what it takes to see it all the way through to graduation (let alone to the end of the semester).  In a nutshell...

Having a positive attitude helps you to cope more easily with the rigors and responsibilities of college and the daily affairs of your personal life. Being positive brings optimism into your experience, and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. If you adopt it as a way of thinking and behaving, a positive attitude will bring constructive changes into your life, and make them happier, brighter and more successful. With a positive attitude you see the bright side of life, become optimistic and expect the best to happen. It is certainly a state of mind that is well worth developing and strengthening.

A positive attitude manifests in the following ways: 

• Positive thinking.
• Constructive thinking.
• Creative thinking.
• Expecting success.
• Optimism.
• Motivation to accomplish your goals.
• Being inspired.
• Choosing happiness.
• Not giving up.
• Looking at failure and problems as blessings in disguise.
• Believing in yourself and in your abilities.
• Displaying self-esteem and confidence.
• Looking for solutions.
• Seeing opportunities.

A positive attitude leads to happiness and success and can change your whole life. If you look at the bright side of life, it will impact everything you do. This affects not only you and the way you look at the world, but your whole environment and the people around you...it becomes contagious.

"Yeah, right.  What's in it for me?"

• Helps achieving goals and attaining success.
• Success achieved faster and more easily.
• More happiness.
• More energy.
• Greater inner power and strength.
• The ability to inspire and motivate yourself and others.
• Fewer difficulties encountered along the way.
• The ability to overcome any difficulty.
• Life smiles at you.
• People respect you.

A negative attitude says: you cannot achieve success.  A positive attitude says: You can.

If you've been struggling with a negative attitude, expecting (and experiencing) failure and difficulties, it's now time to change the way you think. You can get rid of negative thoughts and behavior and replace them with ones that are positive and hopeful. You can start today.  Right now.  (If you have tried before and failed, try again.)

Where do you start?

• Choose to be happy.
• Make a list of everything you're good at.  Practice telling other people about your many talents!
• Make a list of all of your accomplishments and feel proud!
• Look at the bright side of life.  What have you got going for you?
• Choose to be and stay optimistic.
• Find reasons to smile more often. (Added benefit:  less wrinkles when you smile!)
• Have faith in yourself...focus on what you can do!
• Surround yourself with happy, hopeful and positive people.  Keep away from people who put you down and don't believe in you.
• Read inspiring stories.  (Start here.)
• Read inspiring quotes.  (Try some of these.)
• Repeat affirmations that inspire and motivate you.  (Dr. Wayne Dyer is awesome.)
• Visualize only those positive goals and dreams you want to happen. (Make a Vision Board.)
• Learn to control your thoughts.  Say (to yourself and out loud) "I can..." and "I will..."
• Learn concentration and meditation.

Start with baby steps.  One day at a time.  Celebrate your small successes in the process.  Following even only one of the above suggestions will bring you a bit closer to a glass that's half-full.

(c) 2011 Robyn M Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Personal Space Etiquette

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Have you ever stood next to someone who doesn’t understand the concept of personal space? There you are, minding your own business and next thing you know you feel someone’s breath on the back of your neck, or they're standing so close you can tell what they ate for lunch.  Don't you wish you could just say, "Hey, buddy, you need to back the [bleep] up"?

Your personal space is like an invisible bubble that surrounds you.  If people move inside this bubble when they are walking nearby, sitting next to or talking to you, it probably makes you feel uncomfortable.  And when you invade others' bubbles in similar ways, you can be certain you're creeping them out, too.  These are direct violations of personal boundaries.  Knowing the appropriate space limits in dealing with others is an important soft skill to learn, both on campus, at work and in your personal life.

We'll look at the different bubble sizes, whether it always stays the same size, and tips to protect your personal space and how to respect others' as well.
 
Anthropologist and proxemics expert Edward T. Hall has broken down the distances of personal territory ("bubbles") for U.S. Americans into four areas:

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Important factors to consider:

• The bubble is larger if you are talking to a stranger.
• The better you know the person you're talking to, the smaller the bubble may be.
• The bubble is usually larger for two men than for two women.
• The bubble may be very small for a man and a woman if they are in a relationship.
• The bubble may be larger than normal for a man and a woman who are strangers to each other.
• The bubble size may differ for different cultures.

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When two people are having an argument, often the first thing one of them will do is move in close, invading the other person's personal space. This is interpreted by that other person as aggression. The term for this, literally, is “getting in someone’s face.” There are many things that can affect how big a person's personal space is at any given time. 

Circumstances
As well as the individual factors mentioned above, the circumstances in which you find yourself may also affect the size of your bubble. You might find yourself much closer to a stranger you are talking to at a club, for instance, or standing in line at the bank.  You might also have a very large bubble if you are not used to talking to strangers, but have a much smaller bubble if you are an extrovert.

Cultural Differences
Different cultures maintain different standards of personal space. For example, the personal space for people in Japan might be much larger than for people in Italy.   Latin American and Mediterranean cultures like to stand at 1.5 feet ("personal bubble") for a personal conversation. An explanation for this is that cultures from colder climates have larger personal space bubbles while cultures with warmer climates prefer to be much closer. This explains why North Americans and Northern Europeans like their personal space. South Americans and Southern Europeans will enter your comfort zone.  

Image:  tvtropes.org

Any time someone else violates or comes into one's personal space without permission, it is an intrusion and a lack of respect.  Period.

What to do if someone invades your personal space
When someone gets uncomfortably close to you, there are several things you can do:

• Do nothing.
• Lean away from the person or take a step back, hoping he or she will take the hint.
• Be honest and say you're uncomfortable being so close.
• Explain why you need more space. For example, if you're left-handed, and the person is too close to your left side, comment about how you need the space to take notes.

How to have respect for others' personal space

• Don't touch anyone unless they invite you to. 
• Don't allow anyone to touch you without permission.
• Don’t stand closer than 4 feet to a person unless you have an intimate relationship.
• If you see the person you're talking with back up, it means you're standing too close.
• When speaking with someone, don't shout over people or lean over someone else.  Move closer.
• Never touch anyone else's children or belongings unless invited to do so.
• It's better to wait for someone to walk through a narrow space rather than squeezing through and brushing someone's body whether they are of the same gender or not.
• Give yourself some extra space when sitting next to someone.
• Whether at work or home, going through someone's desk/room/office is a serious case of invading personal privacy.
• The same thing goes for opening their mail, going through a purse or wallet, reading emails, checking out phone texts/voice mails.

Being aware of and respecting another person's personal space simply means that you allow them to control their bubble.  Be aware that you will keep a comfortable distance between yourself and someone else, and remember to never break through that boundary unless you have that person's permission or have been clearly invited to get closer. 

(c) Robyn King 2011-16. All Rights Reserved.