Interpersonal Abuse: You Don't Have to Be Hit to Be Hurt


Image:  layoutsparks.com
Relationships.  A popular subject of discussion with afternoon television-pseudo-psychologists, talk shows, movies and countless self-help books.  Relationships can be all-at-once exhilarating, frustrating, comforting and painful...reason being that we make these ties with others who are, like us, always in a process of changing and growing.  What is of particular interest, though, is how to know whether your relationship is a healthy one.

Before we delve into the topic in the title, let's first define relationships.  We have relationships with lots of people:  significant other/spouse, family, your doctor, friends, peers, classmates, a familiar bartender, gym trainer, hairdresser, professors, co-workers, bosses, and so on.  Each connection we make with another person has a unique dynamic, which refers to the rules that guide the interaction between two people, including how they behave, how they treat, and the level of respect they display for each other.

Image:  agendalove.com
That said, how do you know that yours is healthy and appropriate?   First, take a look at what your rights are in any relationship (including intimate ones):
  • To express your opinions and have them be respected
  • To have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs
  • To grow as an individual in your own way
  • To change your mind
  • To not allow your partner to control you, nor will you be allowed to control your partner
  • To not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior
  • To not be physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abused
  • To break up with or fall out of love with someone and not be threatened
For a relationship to be fully functional, all of these rights must always be followed by both people.  We get into trouble when one or both parties fail to live up to these rights and responsibilities (especially the issue of control), and that's called abuse. Period.

In this month of October, where a lot of focus is drawn toward domestic violence awareness and prevention, it seems appropriate to tie into this topic by discussing all of the ways in which humans hurt and abuse others.  Not all of them include putting hands on someone else, but the pain, humiliation and the helplessness of being controlled are nonetheless deeply profound and disturbing to the one being abused.

Have you or your partner/family member/friend, etc. ever behaved in any of the following ways?


Psychological/Emotional Abuse
Q   Stalking (to follow, watch, harass, terrorize or other unwanted contact)
Q   Preventing sleep, rest or personal time
Q   Withholding approval or affection
Q   Making you feel as if you’re crazy in public or through private humiliation; playing mind games
Q   Making threats to commit suicide or murder
Q   Making threats of violence against significant third parties (family, friends, etc.)
Q   Excessive texts, IM’s or phone calls to check on your activity
Q   Unreasonable jealousy or suspicion
Q   Cheats on you, feels no remorse and expects you to accept it without complaint
Q   Forced drug or alcohol consumption
Q   Intimidation (making violent gestures, smashing things, destroying property, harming pets)
Q   Ignoring or discounting goals, dreams, activities or accomplishments
Q   Makes you feel you’re incapable of doing anything right, you’re stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, etc., and no one else will ever want you



Isolation
Q   Limiting outside involvement with a social support network
Q   Expecting you to report every move and activity
Q   Restricting use of the car
Q   Moving residences to prevent you from forming supportive relationships


Verbal Abuse
Q   Yelling
Q   Name-calling
Q   Shaming
Q   Putting you down
Q   Deliberate use of silence/ignoring


Intimidation
Q   Driving recklessly to make you feel threatened or in danger
Q   Destroying your property or cherished possessions
Q   Making you afraid by using looks/actions/gestures
Q   Throwing objects in anger to make you feel threatened
Q   Displaying and threatening to use weapons


Economic Abuse
Q   Rigidly controlling your finances
Q   Spending family income without consent and/or making you struggle to pay the bills
Q   Withholding money or preventing you access to your bank account
Q   Forcing you to account for every penny you earn and spend
Q   Withholding or forcing you to ask/beg for basic necessities (food, clothing, shelter, medications)
Q   Restricting you to an allowance
Q   Preventing you from working or choosing your own career
Q   Demand that you quit your job
Q   Refuses to get a job so the burden of supporting the family falls on you
Q   Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, showing up at your job and causing a scene, calling constantly)
Q   Stealing from you or taking your money overtly


Using Children or Pets
Q   Threatening to take the children away
Q   Making you feel guilty about the children; says you’re an unfit parent
Q   Abusing the children or pets to punish you
Q   Using the children to relay messages


Using Privilege
Q   Treating you like a servant
Q   Making all the big decisions without consulting with you
Q   Being the one to define male and female roles
Q   Acting like the king or queen of the castle


Sexual Abuse
Q   Sex on demand or sexual withholding
Q   Physical assaults during intercourse
Q   Spousal rape or non-consensual sex
Q   Using sexually degrading language
Q   Denying reproductive freedom
Q   You give in because denying your partner could result in an escalated altercation

Perhaps you hadn't considered that some of these behaviors are abusive, but THEY ARE.  If you are in a difficult relationship and want help to stop the abuse, please call the Counseling Center at 381-1365 and make an appointment with a counselor.

Image:  Google Images
For more information on the red flags to look for in intimate relationships, visit
http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/








(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Taking Personal Responsibility

Did you ever stop to think that everything you are or ever will be is completely up to you? That you are where you are because of who you are?  Truth is, everything that exists in your adult life exists because of you, your behavior, words, decisions and actions.  For example, you are a college student because you made the decision to pursue a degree, filled out the application, ordered your transcripts, registered for classes, and choose to go to those classes.  Nobody made this happen but you.

We all have freedom of choice, and because you have chosen each and every circumstance of your adult life, you are completely responsible for all of your successes and failures, your happiness and unhappiness, your present and future.  A really important lesson adults can learn is that no one else can make you succeed or fail, or feel happy or unhappy, empty or fulfilled.
The acceptance of personal responsibility is what separates the adult from the child. Children have neither the ability nor the freedom to make such high-level decisions.  But as adults, it’s the great leap forward into maturity. Responsibility is the hallmark of the fully-integrated, fully-functioning human being.  Which. Is. Good.


Responsibility goes hand-in-hand with success, achievement, motivation, happiness and self-actualization (reaching your greatest potential). It’s the absolute minimum requirement for accomplishing everything you could ever really want in life. Accepting that you’re completely responsible for yourself and realizing that no one is coming to the rescue is the beginning of peak performance.

The opposite of accepting responsibility is making excuses and blaming people, things and circumstances for what’s going on in your life. When people get into the habit of making excuses, they get into the habit of side-stepping responsibility at the same time.

Irresponsible people have a catch-all excuse they use whenever challenged with a difficult task or one that requires more self-discipline and persistence than they had thought.  As soon as things start to go poorly, they pull out their excuse and let themselves off the hook. And there they stay...with a goal that is left unfulfilled, and stuck in the belief that they are incapable of doing anything different or better.
When you take personal responsibility, you will:

* Acknowledge that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life.
* Accept that you are responsible for what you choose to feel or think and how you behave.
* Accept that you choose the direction for your life.
* Accept that you cannot blame others for the choices you have made.
* Hold the rational belief that you are responsible for determining who you are, and how your choices affect your life.
* Accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions.
* Admit when you make a mistake and have the desire to do better next time.
* Own up when you achieve something wonderful, without saying, "Oh, it was nothing" or "Anyone could do what I did."
* Realize that you determine your feelings about any events or actions addressed to you, no matter how negative they seem.
* Recognize that you are your best cheerleader; it is not reasonable or healthy to define yourself based on what other people think of you.
* Recognize that as you enter adulthood and maturity, you determine how your self-esteem will develop.
* Not feel sorry for the "bum deal" you have been handed but taking hold of your life and give it direction and meaning.
* Let go of your sense of over-responsibility for others.
* Protect and nurture your health and emotional well being.
* Structure your life with time management, stress management, confront fears and burnout prevention.
* Take an honest inventory of your strengths, abilities, talents, virtues and positive points.
* Develop positive, self-affirming, self-talk scripts to enhance your personal development and growth.
* Let go of blame and anger toward those in your past who did the best they could, given the limitations of their knowledge, background and awareness.
* Work out and let go of the anger, hostility, pessimism and depression over past hurts, pains, abuse, mistreatment and misdirection...then move forward with a new, healthier perspective.


Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14698-accepting-personal-responsibility/#ixzz1ZLrQnYKD


(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.





















 
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