Interpersonal Abuse: You Don't Have to Be Hit to Be Hurt

Image:  layoutsparks.com

Relationships.  A popular subject of discussion with afternoon television-pseudo-psychologists, talk shows, movies and countless self-help books.  Relationships can be all-at-once exhilarating, frustrating, comforting and painful...reason being that we make these ties with others who are, like us, always in a process of changing and growing.  What is of particular interest, though, is how to know whether your relationship is a healthy one.

Before we delve into the topic in the title, let's first define relationships.  We have relationships with lots of people:  significant other/spouse, family, your doctor, friends, peers, classmates, a familiar bartender, gym trainer, hairdresser, professors, co-workers, bosses, and so on.  Each connection we make with another person has a unique dynamic, which refers to the rules that guide the interaction between two people, including how they behave, how they treat, and the level of respect they display for each other.

Image:  agendalove.com

That said, how do you know that yours is healthy and appropriate?   First, take a look at what your rights are in any relationship (including intimate ones):

• To express your opinions and have them be respected
• To have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs
• To grow as an individual in your own way
• To change your mind
• To not allow your partner to control you, nor will you be allowed to control your partner
• To not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior
• To not be physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abused
• To break up with or fall out of love with someone and not be threatened

For a relationship to be fully functional, all of these rights must always be followed by both people.  We get into trouble when one or both parties fail to live up to these rights and responsibilities (especially the issue of control), and that's called abuse. Period.

In this month of October, where a lot of focus is drawn toward domestic violence awareness and prevention, it seems appropriate to tie into this topic by discussing all of the ways in which humans hurt and abuse others.  Not all of them include putting hands on someone else, but the pain, humiliation and the helplessness of being controlled are nonetheless deeply profound and disturbing to the one being abused.

Have you or your partner/family member/friend, etc. ever behaved in any of the following ways?

Psychological/Emotional Abuse

Q   Stalking (to follow, watch, harass, terrorize or other unwanted contact)

Q   Preventing sleep, rest or personal time

Q   Withholding approval or affection

Q   Making you feel as if you’re crazy in public or through private humiliation; playing mind games

Q   Making threats to commit suicide or murder

Q   Making threats of violence against significant third parties (family, friends, etc.)

Q   Excessive texts, IM’s or phone calls to check on your activity

Q   Unreasonable jealousy or suspicion

Q   Cheats on you, feels no remorse and expects you to accept it without complaint

Q   Forced drug or alcohol consumption

Q   Intimidation (making violent gestures, smashing things, destroying property, harming pets)

Q   Ignoring or discounting goals, dreams, activities or accomplishments

Q   Makes you feel you’re incapable of doing anything right, you’re stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, etc., and no one else will ever want you

Isolation

Q   Limiting outside involvement with a social support network

Q   Expecting you to report every move and activity

Q   Restricting use of the car

Q   Moving residences to prevent you from forming supportive relationships

Verbal Abuse

Q   Yelling

Q   Name-calling

Q   Shaming

Q   Putting you down

Q   Deliberate use of silence/ignoring

Intimidation

Q   Driving recklessly to make you feel threatened or in danger

Q   Destroying your property or cherished possessions

Q   Making you afraid by using looks/actions/gestures

Q   Throwing objects in anger to make you feel threatened

Q   Displaying and threatening to use weapons

Economic Abuse

Q   Rigidly controlling your finances

Q   Spending family income without consent and/or making you struggle to pay the bills

Q   Withholding money or preventing you access to your bank account

Q   Forcing you to account for every penny you earn and spend

Q   Withholding or forcing you to ask/beg for basic necessities (food, clothing, shelter, medications)

Q   Restricting you to an allowance

Q   Preventing you from working or choosing your own career

Q   Demand that you quit your job

Q   Refuses to get a job so the burden of supporting the family falls on you

Q   Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, showing up at your job and causing a scene, calling constantly)

Q   Stealing from you or taking your money overtly

Using Children or Pets

Q   Threatening to take the children away

Q   Making you feel guilty about the children; says you’re an unfit parent

Q   Abusing the children or pets to punish you

Q   Using the children to relay messages

Using Privilege

Q   Treating you like a servant

Q   Making all the big decisions without consulting with you

Q   Being the one to define male and female roles

Q   Acting like the king or queen of the castle

Sexual Abuse

Q   Sex on demand or sexual withholding

Q   Physical assaults during intercourse

Q   Spousal rape or non-consensual sex

Q   Using sexually degrading language

Q   Denying reproductive freedom

Q   You give in because denying your partner could result in an escalated altercation

Perhaps you hadn't considered that some of these behaviors are abusive, but THEY ARE.  If you are in a difficult relationship and want help to stop the abuse, please call the Counseling Center at 381-1365 and make an appointment with a counselor.

Image:  Google Images

For more information on the red flags to look for in intimate relationships, visit

http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/








(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson