HELP! I'm scared of confrontation and standing up for myself. I have never done so in the past. How do I do it and what do I say?

You make a solid plan.

1) Ask yourself this question..."What's the absolute WORST thing that could happen if I stood up for myself?"

2) When you've figured that out, ask yourself again..."If that is indeed the worst thing that could happen, what could I do to protect myself while standing my ground?"

3) Realize that you are strong and powerful, and protecting yourself is what you need to do.  When you confront someone, you must be safe (see question #2). When you've been mistreated, hurt or disrespected, you have every right to tell that person you will not allow that to happen any longer.  (Personal boundaries are healthy and necessary.)  Tell them in detail what the negative consequences will be for them if they continue (report to a trusted adult or authority figure, call the police, etc.) Stand your ground.  You are more powerful than your fear.

4) If the other person refuses to treat you better, follow through with the action you said you would take. This will be hard, but your actions will convey that you mean business and you won't allow him/her to push you around any longer.

5)  Enjoy the feeling of self-respect and empowerment.

(c) 2012-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

No. (A complete sentence.)

Such a small word that has so much attached to it.  Many people hate to say it, and most of us don't like hearing it.
It's difficult to turn someone down for a date, an invitation to a party, or an offer to study with a classmate.  A buddy asks to borrow your very expensive road bike.  Your BFF needs money to buy cigarettes.  

We worry about hurting the other person's feelings.  But agreeing to do something that is not good or holds no interest for you is damaging in two ways:  1) you give in because you feel guilty, or 2) you give in because the other person knows just what to say to manipulate you.  Neither is a good reason to say yes when you really want to say no.

Draw the line, then stick to it.

Saying no is an exercise in self-care, self-respect, and self-preservation. It's also an expression that one is setting boundaries with others...drawing a line in the sand, so to speak.  Boundaries are healthy and good for you and for the other people in your life.

Make a plan to be thoughtful and mindful when you are asked for something or to do a task for another person.  Stop and think, "Do I really want to do this?  Do I have the time?  Will I feel better or worse if I say yes?"  Then make the decision that's best for YOU. 

Peter Bregman wrote a blog entry about this and has these nine tips to help you say no.

• Know your no. Identify what's important to you and acknowledge what's not. If you don't know where you want to spend your time, you won't know where you don't want to spend your time. Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no. All the other steps follow this one.
• Be appreciative. It's almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They're asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation. Don't worry; this doesn't need to lead to a yes.
• Say no to the request, not the person. You're not rejecting the person, just declining his invitation. So make that clear. Let him know what you respect about him — maybe you admire the work he's doing, or recognize his passion or generosity. Maybe you would love to meet for lunch. Don't fake this — even if you don't like the person making the request, simply being polite and kind will communicate that you aren't rejecting him.
• Explain why. The particulars of your reason for saying no make very little difference. But having a reason does. Maybe you're too busy. Maybe you don't feel like what they're asking you to do plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you're saying no.
• Be as resolute as they are pushy. Some people don't give up easily. That's their prerogative. But without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. They'll respect you for it. You can make light of it if you want ("I know you don't give up easily — but neither do I. I'm getting better at saying no.")
• Practice. Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Say no when someone tries to sell you something on the street. Go into a room by yourself, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your no muscle helps.
• Establish a pre-emptive no. We all have certain people in our lives who tend to make repeated, sometimes burdensome requests of us. In those cases, it's better to say no before the request even comes in. Let that person know that you're hyper-focused on a couple of things in your life and trying to reduce your obligations in all other areas. If it's your boss who tends to make the requests, agree upfront with her about where you should be spending your time. Then, when the requests come in, you can refer to your earlier conversation.
• Be prepared to miss out. Some of us have a hard time saying no because we hate to miss an opportunity. And saying no always leads to a missed opportunity. But it's not just a missed opportunity; it's a tradeoff. Remind yourself that when you're saying no to the request, you are simultaneously saying yes to something you value more than the request. Both are opportunities. You're just choosing one over the other.
• Gather your courage. If you're someone who is used to saying yes, it will take courage to say no, especially if the person asking doesn't give up easily. You may feel like a bad friend. You might feel like you're letting someone down or not living up to expectations. Maybe you'll imagine that you'll be seen or talked about in a negative light. Those things might be the cost of reclaiming your life. You'll need courage to put up with them.

One more time...it bears repeating...

"No"  is a complete sentence.
Source:  http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/02/nine-practices-to-help-you-say.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=linkedin&goback=%2Egde_4409416_member_215944128

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson.  All Rights Reserved.

Heavy Lifting: Tired of Carrying Around that Load?

In my counseling practice, the most common statement that students make is "My life would be perfect if <insert other person's name> would change <insert annoying, abusive or otherwise inappropriate behavior>."


They come to me exhausted, frustrated and downright angry because everything they've done to force the other to make changes has failed, and yet harbor guilt because they care for and love that person and don't want to give up on the relationship.  They're out of ideas, and basically want me to provide an instruction manual on how to get that other person to change.  If it was only that easy.

These students are not evil, manipulative people.  Really, they're not.  In fact, they have the best of intentions to bring more happiness into their lives.  (We all want that, right?)  They are, however, needlessly carrying the burdens of others because they are misled and misinformed about the boundaries of relationships and limitations of personal responsibility.  Fortunately, those things can be learned.  That said, here's what I (and Jenn Gibson) know to be the truth about this matter: 

1.  Other people can't be changed or saved.
Period.  End of discussion.  They have to want to change and save themselves.  They have to feel the pain, struggle and cry until there are no more tears.  They only decide when they're ready to change, and figure out themselves what works best for them.  If they don't want to change or believe there's nothing to change, that's their prerogative and responsibility.


Personally, I now know for certain that I cannot save a single soul.  However, that doesn't mean I haven't tried, such as when I was a brand new counselor, naively thinking I could save the world; with a former co-worker who was abused at home; with a friend who continues to have money troubles; with my dying father.  Nothing I did helped to change the outcome.  Absolutely nothing.  (Talk about feeling like an exhausted failure.)  With the correct information, a change in my M.O. and lots of practice, however, I came to understand that my efforts to help were unnecessary and counterproductive for me and the other person.  

So how do people change?  The process goes something like this: 

• Things have to completely fall apart  (what I call "hitting one's personal bottom of the barrel")
• Coping strategies used in the past no longer work
• They come to the realization that change is necessary
• They seek help from an objective third-party (a counselor, for example) to learn more effective and empowering coping skills
• Changes are made, and the person has an improved sense of pride, self-sufficiency and self-satisfaction.

2.  We are only responsible for ourselves. 
I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, needs, actions, words, happiness, beliefs, ideals, decisions, dreams, hopes, fears, failures, victories.  They are mine and only mine.  And you are in charge of yours and yours alone.
.
You must not take on burdens for another person. You can’t fill the void in them. You can’t protect them from the things that scare the bejeezus out of them.  When you step in and take over, you're doing them a great disservice--you're removing the opportunity for that person to experience real growth and a chance to come to terms with those things that cause them the greatest pain.  As a consquence, they don't learn how to handle that pain in ways that are meaningful and helpful for them so they can move forward. 

When I reflect upon my most difficult, hopeless, darkest, sobbing-on-my-hands-and-knees-and-praying-to-God-for-the-pain-to-end periods, that's when I grew the most, when I discovered how strong I really was, and got crystal clear about who I am and what I need.  No one could help me do it, speed it along, or do it for me.  Nope, that s**t was mine to deal with.  I had to muster up the courage to take that journey toward change and health.  And the victory in learning how to get through the pain and move forward with my life was a result of my efforts to change.  I learned how to take care of myself.  Which leads me to...

3.  Caring for yourself first and getting your needs met must be your top priority.

You are Number One.  The Big Enchilada.  The Grand Poobah.  You deserve to take good care of you and get everything you need.  When you instead put another before you, at the end of the day you’ll be exhausted, have zero energy, frustrated and eventually resentful of the other person...not to mention upset with yourself for doing so damn much with no improvement or change to show for it.

.
This is the hardest concept to really get our minds around, I think. When someone you love is hurting, you want it to stop.  And you want to stop it.  Now.


Think about it this way:  if you've ever flown in an airplane, the flight attendants remind us that if the cabin pressure drops, and the oxygen mask falls down, we are to put it on ourselves first.  We can't help others if we're gasping for air.  This is an obvious exercise in self-care.


Instead, you can show your care and concern by taking a step back and let your loved one take those first scary steps toward change on their own.  Put your own oxygen mask on.  Let others decide when it's time for air; they really do know what they need.  

4.  The only person in the whole world who can make you happy is you.
It's a slippery slope to be on when you rely on another to provide you with joy, affirmation, contentment and self-fulfillment...which, when you think about it, are not really yours at all.  It also places an unfair burden on the other person who consequently feels responsible for your happiness...when they should really be focusing only on their own. 


Instead, manifest your own happiness by recognizing and valuing all of your wonderful, unique qualities and abilities, and in the things that light you up...and own them as all yours.

5.  A broken heart can only be healed from the inside.

A question I'm often asked by people who are grieving is, "How long will it take until I feel better?" and I reply, "As long as it takes."  There is no recipe or timeline for grief.  People need to fully experience their feelings in their own time, which can often be distressful to others looking on.  What you can do as a supportive outsider is be a sounding board, offer a compassionate ear, refrain from giving advice, love them, celebrate each baby-step toward victory, and remind them that in time it will get easier and better (because it always get easier and better). 

6.  Setting up appropriate boundaries between you and others is healthy for you and them.

Ever hear the saying, "Good fences make good neighbors?"  Knowing when to draw the line in the sand to protect you from taking on others' problems is the best gift you can give yourself.  In doing so, others are forced to learn the important life coping skills that everyone needs to survive.  And that's the best gift you can give them.

So...what's my "heavy lifting" lesson?
I am accountable to and for myself only.  (Say it with me, people!)


As mentioned earlier, it's taken me many years to really embrace this, and it's still a challenge to live it every day.  Laying down that heavy load of taking on responsibility for others' well-being and caring for myself first is a huge relief.  When I'm successful, it feels good.  Really good.  Damn good.  Stepping back gives me breathing room to focus on myself and demonstrates that I trust the person is capable of figuring things out in a way that's best for them.   


When I'm okay, my relationships are okay, too.  And like the L'oreal commercials say, I'm worth it.  So are you. 










Source:  http://www.rootsofshe.com/heavy-lifting-lessons/


All images courtesy of Google Images.
(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: B

Balance

Many couples have an erroneous belief that doing everything together equals a healthy relationship.  They spend every waking moment together. They do everything together.  They're inseparable and become glued at the hip.  And then the inevitable happens....They slowly begin to let go of their friends, abandon their dreams, and eventually lose their identities....and resentment of each other sets in.  The strength and vitality of the relationship is in serious jeopardy.

So, how do you prevent this from happening?  This translates to practicing "togetherness", as well as its counterpart "separateness," simultaneously in the relationship.  In other words, both partners share a life together of common goals, values, hobbies, activities, and so forth, as they continue to pursue individual interests in order to meet their own personal needs.  Think of it this way:  you and your partner may travel on different paths when pursuing individual interests, but there are also many points at which these paths intersect, which is equally as important to the health of the partnership.

Being romantically involved with someone should not keep you from following your dreams. Otherwise, your emotional and mental growth gets stunted.  Personal growth is an essential part of life.  It's natural to aspire to continually grow, learn, change, and improve upon your current situation.  It allows you to reach your true potential as an individual and gives you personal satisfaction.  Once you achieve a state of self-realization and gratification, you are in a better position to contribute significantly to the partnership.  The essence of transforming you into a better partner leads to a healthy relationship.

Image:  calvary-church.org

Beliefs (and Values)

Within each of us, there are basic fundamental core beliefs and values that act as a guide for the choices that we make.  It is important that we understand our own beliefs and values as well as those of our partner.  Major differences in core beliefs and values may cause significant friction in a relationship.  For instance, say you have a strong work ethic (go to work every day, get there on time, do the job to the best of your ability, etc.) and your partner doesn't care about such things.  He/she may even bounce from job to job, and go without one for quite a long time.  Is this someone who would make a compatible partner for you?  Would the difference in this one important core value make any significant impact on the relationship's success?   Differences should be discussed thoroughly between the two people, and decide together whether the relationship is really worth pursuing.



Image:  legally-alien.blogspot.com

Belonging

Belonging is not just about being in a relationship and feeling that you belong to your mate.  It is a basic human need.  You seek out belonging, feeling loved and being a part of something. You turn to school groups, to internet groups, to common interest groups, religious or spiritual groups.  It satisfies a core need within you; it fulfills your desire to know who you are, and how you fit in the larger world.

So, when you feel connected to the greater world, then you're in a good position to want to belong with a love partner.  Notice I said belong "with" and not belong "to."  You are each separate individuals, and yet you both have the desire to belong, to be loved and a part of something together.



Image:  chelseabeasley.wordpress.com



Best Behavior

Think back to the first few weeks of getting to know your partner.  You watched your manners, shaved and put on cologne when you knew you’d see her, listened intently to his stories about his job and family, and so on.  You put your best-foot-forward, so to speak, to make a good impression on your intended.  If you’ve been together for a while, the tendency is to get comfortable with your partner…which can mean being sloppy with grooming, attitudes and behaviors.  Your partner deserves your best behavior 95% of the time (no one’s perfect, after all), and by doing so you honor their decision to be with (and stay with) you.

Image:  landofmeg.blogspot.com

Billet-Doux

French for “love letter,” it’s good practice in healthy relationships to remind your partner how you feel about them on a regular basis…and not necessarily on an anniversary or other holiday.  It doesn’t have to be long or sound like a Shakepearean sonnet; you could buy (or make) a card and personalize it with a note from your heart.  It can be a love note written on the bathroom mirror. You get extra brownie-points if you leave it in a place where your sweetie will find it unexpectedly and when you’re not around (briefcase, send it to his/her office).

Image: etc.usf.edu

Boundaries

Like the old saying, "good fences make good neighbors," each person has a right to his/her own emotional and physical boundaries.  Only you: 1) decide what limits you have; 2) set your own boundaries; 3) have a right to have your limits respected; and 4) have a responsibility to respect your partner’s limits.  Your partner has the same rights over his/her boundaries, too.  These limitations need to be communicated clearly, honestly, and consistently over time.  “I don’t like it when you…”  “I feel disrespected, unloved, unappreciated, uncared for when..."



(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

Interpersonal Abuse: You Don't Have to Be Hit to Be Hurt

Image:  layoutsparks.com

Relationships.  A popular subject of discussion with afternoon television-pseudo-psychologists, talk shows, movies and countless self-help books.  Relationships can be all-at-once exhilarating, frustrating, comforting and painful...reason being that we make these ties with others who are, like us, always in a process of changing and growing.  What is of particular interest, though, is how to know whether your relationship is a healthy one.

Before we delve into the topic in the title, let's first define relationships.  We have relationships with lots of people:  significant other/spouse, family, your doctor, friends, peers, classmates, a familiar bartender, gym trainer, hairdresser, professors, co-workers, bosses, and so on.  Each connection we make with another person has a unique dynamic, which refers to the rules that guide the interaction between two people, including how they behave, how they treat, and the level of respect they display for each other.

Image:  agendalove.com

That said, how do you know that yours is healthy and appropriate?   First, take a look at what your rights are in any relationship (including intimate ones):

• To express your opinions and have them be respected
• To have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs
• To grow as an individual in your own way
• To change your mind
• To not allow your partner to control you, nor will you be allowed to control your partner
• To not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior
• To not be physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abused
• To break up with or fall out of love with someone and not be threatened

For a relationship to be fully functional, all of these rights must always be followed by both people.  We get into trouble when one or both parties fail to live up to these rights and responsibilities (especially the issue of control), and that's called abuse. Period.

In this month of October, where a lot of focus is drawn toward domestic violence awareness and prevention, it seems appropriate to tie into this topic by discussing all of the ways in which humans hurt and abuse others.  Not all of them include putting hands on someone else, but the pain, humiliation and the helplessness of being controlled are nonetheless deeply profound and disturbing to the one being abused.

Have you or your partner/family member/friend, etc. ever behaved in any of the following ways?

Psychological/Emotional Abuse

Q   Stalking (to follow, watch, harass, terrorize or other unwanted contact)

Q   Preventing sleep, rest or personal time

Q   Withholding approval or affection

Q   Making you feel as if you’re crazy in public or through private humiliation; playing mind games

Q   Making threats to commit suicide or murder

Q   Making threats of violence against significant third parties (family, friends, etc.)

Q   Excessive texts, IM’s or phone calls to check on your activity

Q   Unreasonable jealousy or suspicion

Q   Cheats on you, feels no remorse and expects you to accept it without complaint

Q   Forced drug or alcohol consumption

Q   Intimidation (making violent gestures, smashing things, destroying property, harming pets)

Q   Ignoring or discounting goals, dreams, activities or accomplishments

Q   Makes you feel you’re incapable of doing anything right, you’re stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, etc., and no one else will ever want you

Isolation

Q   Limiting outside involvement with a social support network

Q   Expecting you to report every move and activity

Q   Restricting use of the car

Q   Moving residences to prevent you from forming supportive relationships

Verbal Abuse

Q   Yelling

Q   Name-calling

Q   Shaming

Q   Putting you down

Q   Deliberate use of silence/ignoring

Intimidation

Q   Driving recklessly to make you feel threatened or in danger

Q   Destroying your property or cherished possessions

Q   Making you afraid by using looks/actions/gestures

Q   Throwing objects in anger to make you feel threatened

Q   Displaying and threatening to use weapons

Economic Abuse

Q   Rigidly controlling your finances

Q   Spending family income without consent and/or making you struggle to pay the bills

Q   Withholding money or preventing you access to your bank account

Q   Forcing you to account for every penny you earn and spend

Q   Withholding or forcing you to ask/beg for basic necessities (food, clothing, shelter, medications)

Q   Restricting you to an allowance

Q   Preventing you from working or choosing your own career

Q   Demand that you quit your job

Q   Refuses to get a job so the burden of supporting the family falls on you

Q   Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, showing up at your job and causing a scene, calling constantly)

Q   Stealing from you or taking your money overtly

Using Children or Pets

Q   Threatening to take the children away

Q   Making you feel guilty about the children; says you’re an unfit parent

Q   Abusing the children or pets to punish you

Q   Using the children to relay messages

Using Privilege

Q   Treating you like a servant

Q   Making all the big decisions without consulting with you

Q   Being the one to define male and female roles

Q   Acting like the king or queen of the castle

Sexual Abuse

Q   Sex on demand or sexual withholding

Q   Physical assaults during intercourse

Q   Spousal rape or non-consensual sex

Q   Using sexually degrading language

Q   Denying reproductive freedom

Q   You give in because denying your partner could result in an escalated altercation

Perhaps you hadn't considered that some of these behaviors are abusive, but THEY ARE.  If you are in a difficult relationship and want help to stop the abuse, please call the Counseling Center at 381-1365 and make an appointment with a counselor.

Image:  Google Images

For more information on the red flags to look for in intimate relationships, visit

http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/








(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Personal Space Etiquette

Image Source

Have you ever stood next to someone who doesn’t understand the concept of personal space? There you are, minding your own business and next thing you know you feel someone’s breath on the back of your neck, or they're standing so close you can tell what they ate for lunch.  Don't you wish you could just say, "Hey, buddy, you need to back the [bleep] up"?

Your personal space is like an invisible bubble that surrounds you.  If people move inside this bubble when they are walking nearby, sitting next to or talking to you, it probably makes you feel uncomfortable.  And when you invade others' bubbles in similar ways, you can be certain you're creeping them out, too.  These are direct violations of personal boundaries.  Knowing the appropriate space limits in dealing with others is an important soft skill to learn, both on campus, at work and in your personal life.

We'll look at the different bubble sizes, whether it always stays the same size, and tips to protect your personal space and how to respect others' as well.
 
Anthropologist and proxemics expert Edward T. Hall has broken down the distances of personal territory ("bubbles") for U.S. Americans into four areas:

Image Source

Important factors to consider:

• The bubble is larger if you are talking to a stranger.
• The better you know the person you're talking to, the smaller the bubble may be.
• The bubble is usually larger for two men than for two women.
• The bubble may be very small for a man and a woman if they are in a relationship.
• The bubble may be larger than normal for a man and a woman who are strangers to each other.
• The bubble size may differ for different cultures.

Image Source

When two people are having an argument, often the first thing one of them will do is move in close, invading the other person's personal space. This is interpreted by that other person as aggression. The term for this, literally, is “getting in someone’s face.” There are many things that can affect how big a person's personal space is at any given time. 

Circumstances
As well as the individual factors mentioned above, the circumstances in which you find yourself may also affect the size of your bubble. You might find yourself much closer to a stranger you are talking to at a club, for instance, or standing in line at the bank.  You might also have a very large bubble if you are not used to talking to strangers, but have a much smaller bubble if you are an extrovert.

Cultural Differences
Different cultures maintain different standards of personal space. For example, the personal space for people in Japan might be much larger than for people in Italy.   Latin American and Mediterranean cultures like to stand at 1.5 feet ("personal bubble") for a personal conversation. An explanation for this is that cultures from colder climates have larger personal space bubbles while cultures with warmer climates prefer to be much closer. This explains why North Americans and Northern Europeans like their personal space. South Americans and Southern Europeans will enter your comfort zone.  

Image:  tvtropes.org

Any time someone else violates or comes into one's personal space without permission, it is an intrusion and a lack of respect.  Period.

What to do if someone invades your personal space
When someone gets uncomfortably close to you, there are several things you can do:

• Do nothing.
• Lean away from the person or take a step back, hoping he or she will take the hint.
• Be honest and say you're uncomfortable being so close.
• Explain why you need more space. For example, if you're left-handed, and the person is too close to your left side, comment about how you need the space to take notes.

How to have respect for others' personal space

• Don't touch anyone unless they invite you to. 
• Don't allow anyone to touch you without permission.
• Don’t stand closer than 4 feet to a person unless you have an intimate relationship.
• If you see the person you're talking with back up, it means you're standing too close.
• When speaking with someone, don't shout over people or lean over someone else.  Move closer.
• Never touch anyone else's children or belongings unless invited to do so.
• It's better to wait for someone to walk through a narrow space rather than squeezing through and brushing someone's body whether they are of the same gender or not.
• Give yourself some extra space when sitting next to someone.
• Whether at work or home, going through someone's desk/room/office is a serious case of invading personal privacy.
• The same thing goes for opening their mail, going through a purse or wallet, reading emails, checking out phone texts/voice mails.

Being aware of and respecting another person's personal space simply means that you allow them to control their bubble.  Be aware that you will keep a comfortable distance between yourself and someone else, and remember to never break through that boundary unless you have that person's permission or have been clearly invited to get closer. 

(c) Robyn King 2011-16. All Rights Reserved.