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So, how do you prevent this from happening? This translates to practicing "togetherness", as well as its counterpart "separateness," simultaneously in the relationship. In other words, both partners share a life together of common goals, values, hobbies, activities, and so forth, as they continue to pursue individual interests in order to meet their own personal needs. Think of it this way: you and your partner may travel on different paths when pursuing individual interests, but there are also many points at which these paths intersect, which is equally as important to the health of the partnership.
Being romantically involved with someone should not keep you from following your dreams. Otherwise, your emotional and mental growth gets stunted. Personal growth is an essential part of life. It's natural to aspire to continually grow, learn, change, and improve upon your current situation. It allows you to reach your true potential as an individual and gives you personal satisfaction. Once you achieve a state of self-realization and gratification, you are in a better position to contribute significantly to the partnership. The essence of transforming you into a better partner leads to a healthy relationship.
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| Image: calvary-church.org |
Within each of us, there are basic fundamental core beliefs and values that act as a guide for the choices that we make. It is important that we understand our own beliefs and values as well as those of our partner. Major differences in core beliefs and values may cause significant friction in a relationship. For instance, say you have a strong work ethic (go to work every day, get there on time, do the job to the best of your ability, etc.) and your partner doesn't care about such things. He/she may even bounce from job to job, and go without one for quite a long time. Is this someone who would make a compatible partner for you? Would the difference in this one important core value make any significant impact on the relationship's success? Differences should be discussed thoroughly between the two people, and decide together whether the relationship is really worth pursuing.
Belonging is not just about being in a relationship and feeling that you belong to your mate. It is a basic human need. You seek out belonging, feeling loved and being a part of something. You turn to school groups, to internet groups, to common interest groups, religious or spiritual groups. It satisfies a core need within you; it fulfills your desire to know who you are, and how you fit in the larger world.
So, when you feel connected to the greater world, then you're in a good position to want to belong with a love partner. Notice I said belong "with" and not belong "to." You are each separate individuals, and yet you both have the desire to belong, to be loved and a part of something together.
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| Image: chelseabeasley.wordpress.com |
Best Behavior
Think back to the first few weeks of getting to know your partner. You watched your manners, shaved and put on cologne when you knew you’d see her, listened intently to his stories about his job and family, and so on. You put your best-foot-forward, so to speak, to make a good impression on your intended. If you’ve been together for a while, the tendency is to get comfortable with your partner…which can mean being sloppy with grooming, attitudes and behaviors. Your partner deserves your best behavior 95% of the time (no one’s perfect, after all), and by doing so you honor their decision to be with (and stay with) you.
French for “love letter,” it’s good practice in healthy relationships to remind your partner how you feel about them on a regular basis…and not necessarily on an anniversary or other holiday. It doesn’t have to be long or sound like a Shakepearean sonnet; you could buy (or make) a card and personalize it with a note from your heart. It can be a love note written on the bathroom mirror. You get extra brownie-points if you leave it in a place where your sweetie will find it unexpectedly and when you’re not around (briefcase, send it to his/her office).
Like the old saying, "good fences make good neighbors," each person has a right to his/her own emotional and physical boundaries. Only you: 1) decide what limits you have; 2) set your own boundaries; 3) have a right to have your limits respected; and 4) have a responsibility to respect your partner’s limits. Your partner has the same rights over his/her boundaries, too. These limitations need to be communicated clearly, honestly, and consistently over time. “I don’t like it when you…” “I feel disrespected, unloved, unappreciated, uncared for when..."
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
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