ABC's of Healthy Relationships: A

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Acceptance

Accepting another person just as they are is powerful in a relationship. This can be done internally through thoughts, and externally through words and actions. Acceptance of perceived shortcomings and circumstances of the relationship can help you and your partner move forward in peace towards the kind of healthy partnership you want.

Unfortunately, new partners have the erroneous belief that, given enough time and effort, they can change the other.  The truth is that there is nothing you can say or do to make anyone else change.  Are you hearing me?  Nothing.  The only person you can change is yourself...that's where your control lies. 

When you and your partner disagree, it is important to have strategies in place to allow you--together--to handle it in such a way that your relationship can grow stronger as a result.  Yes, that's right.  You and your partner can disagree...and the relationship can grow stronger as a result of how the two of you accomplish that disagreement.  How can that be?  The answer is acceptance. 

Acceptance is key to creating harmony for--and between--the two of you.  Acceptance means giving up the idea that there is only a "right way" and a "wrong way."  Acceptance refers to looking at your differences from the viewpoint that there can be two right ways of doing things--which means that the two of you now have more possible solutions to work with. 

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Accommodation

Accommodation means that we understand and love our partner for who they basically really are, and we make adjustments for that.  Our partner also returns the favor in kind.  We all have bad days, and sometimes that means that we accept that in our partner and allow them be emotional from time-to-time.  It can also mean that we make sense of the world differently than he/she does.  For example, some people like to talk about everything, while others like to get quiet for a while and make sense of the issues on their own. Regardless of your individual style, it means that we agree that “you do it differently than I do and that’s okay.  I love you just the same.”

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Affection

Affection is the outward expression of care.  Most often this demonstration is touching, kissing, gift giving, making love, doing favors such as preparing a favorite meal or creating artwork such as poetry or music.  Affection usually occurs because the one giving affection can't contain the love they feel for the other person.  That love compels them to act. 

Affection is a deep, long-standing commitment to understand what your significant other’s needs are and the willingness to consistently strive to meet those needs.  It is love in action, and is the daily motivation to build a strong and lasting relationship with another human being. 

Affection produces feelings of intimacy, security, significance, and respect in a relationship. What results is the tender feelings that are often called love.  It is a learned behavior and for many people, takes a considerable amount of effort to achieve. We are naturally born with the ability and desire to love, but affection takes work.

Be sure to give.  Expect to receive. Tell your significant other if you feel you need something more or something different.  It's that important.

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Affirmation

Affirmation comes in two modes:  self-affirmation and affirming your partner.  Acknowledging, appreciating and loving yourself as-is makes you not only an awesome, secure and stable person, but makes you a great catch.  Find ways every day to think about all of the great qualities, talents and abilities you possess and tell yourself what a great person you are.

Partners who affirm (or validate) each other know how to effectively use this kind of “Relationship Glue.”  Focus on your partner’s unique qualities that initially drew you to him/her, and what continues to amaze and intrigue you long after the bloom of new love fades.  Verbalize your love for your spouse every day.  A good way to do this is is to say to your partner, “Know what I love about you?”  then tell him/her what it is.

There are many other ways to affirm your partner as well. You already do it--with words, how you say something, the way you look at and touch him/her. We all affirm our partners, sometimes without realizing it.  Saying, "I love you" is a type of affirmation.  Unfortunately, as relationships develop and begin focusing on the day-to-day responsibilities that often become priority, we tend to stop offering affirmations since we assume that our partner knows how we feel about him/her.

This is a mistake.  If the "relationship glue" is not consistently replenished, your intimate bond will be in serious jeopardy of falling apart.  My suggestion?  Apply generously and liberally, and reapply on a regular basis.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson