ABC's of Healthy Relationships: H

"When you go out in the world,
watch out for traffic,
hold hands, and stick together"
  (Robert Fulghum)

Holding Hands

Whether clasped with fingers entwined, one cupped in the other, or the sweat-friendly holding-pinkies technique, hand-holding in public signals a significant, exclusive relationship, and in some respects is considered more intimate than kissing at a party.  James Coan of the University of Virginia published a study in Psychological Science that shows that when people hold hands, their brains work less hard to cope with stress, thanks in part to the feel-good "cuddle hormone" oxytocin, which is produced when physical contact is made.

Hand-holding isn't reserved only for taking a walk around the neighborhood, or between classes.  It's a healthy way to connect at any time; for instance, when you're eating together, reach over and take your sweetie's hand and ask about his/her day.  While sitting quietly.  In a crowded room.  Holding hands when you're having a disagreement will significantly decrease the chance for it to escalate, keeps you face-to-face to encourage communication, and cues your partner that you're committed to keeping the bond between you strong for the long-term while you ride out the momentary problem.  So grab on, and enjoy the skin-to-skin contact while your health reaps the benefits.



Image:  styledip.com



Honesty

When we first meet someone we might be interested in romantically, the natural tendency is to be guarded. We hesitate to reveal too much of ourselves for fear of scaring that individual off, or because when we have let our guard down in the past, we have been hurt.  

The past is gone.  Today is a new day.  You are stronger and smarter.  I challenge you to be a compulsive confessor.

Be honest about who you are and what you want out of life.  Don't keep secrets or cover up your past.  Your honesty will hopefully encourage the same behavior from your love-interest, with the goal that this level of personal transparency will exist in every other aspect of your relationship. 

It's a risk, for sure.  A leap of faith.  You're an honest person, and you're seeking someone equally as honest...am I right?  So go for it.  One of two things will happen:  either this person will value your openness and want to get to know the real you, or they will realize sooner than later that you’re not right for each other.  In my book, that's a win-win situation.  But when you find that kindred, honest spirit you've been searching for, lay your cards on the table whenever necessary, and encourage your partner to do the same.  Create together a culture and appreciation for honesty in your relationship as the best policy every time.

Image:  lovesceneonline.com

Humor
It's been said that "laughter is the best medicine."  So it makes sense that when people list the qualities they desire in a partner, sense of humor consistently shows up near the top. The more a person likes his/her partner's sense of humor, the more satisfied he/she will be with the relationship. 

"Humor is a tool like any other," says Robert L. Weiss, a psychologist at the University of Oregon who studies humor in relationships. "People use humor in lots of different ways, including some negative ones." Almost every sweet, supportive way of using it has an aggressive, selfish or manipulative version. 

Being able to laugh at oneself and, when appropriate, not take life too seriously is considered a positive and sought-after trait in love partners.  Humor can also bring lovers together, which is probably one of its significant benefits.  Howard Markman, a psychologist who works with couples in Colorado said, "When people are laughing together, they feel more positive toward each other. They're more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt."  This may be the most positive use of humor, and as such, it's hard to see a downside.

But drawbacks definitely exist.  Joking and goofing can undermine intimacy in subtle but profound ways. If your partner makes a joke whenever you bring up a difficult subject, you most likely won't find it funny.  You'll instead get the message that there's a serious breakdown in communicating about the important things you disagree about.

Humor is an important communication strategy.  It's a big part of what makes us human.  When used well, humor helps us to put ourselves in perspective, to give ease to a difficult situation, to see past our fears and sorrows, and to reach out to the people we love with a light touch instead of a heavy hand. 

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson