HELP! I think there's something wrong with my partner...

People are more intuitive than they give themselves credit for.  We “know” when something is amiss; we get a feeling in the pit of our stomachs that alerts us to danger or when something is just not right.

 

I tell people to trust what they feel and take action. 

Open, honest communication is essential to all human relationships.  Taking a direct (but compassionate) approach to sharing concerns with one’s partner is best.  A good way to start the conversation is by using “I-statements.”  For example: 

“I’m concerned.  I’ve been noticing that you’ve been distant lately and seem unhappy.  I’m wondering whether our relationship is the reason.”

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“I’m worried about you.  I’ve noticed that you seem depressed.”

Note that these are statements and not questions, which tend to put others on the defense.  Share your observations without probing, and give your partner an opportunity to respond.  

If your partner rebuffs what you’ve said, give concrete examples of what you’ve witnessed, and share how you came to your conclusion.  Offer the opportunity to discuss what’s going on, even if you have to put it off for an hour or even the next day.  Give them a little time and space to respond, to gather their thoughts; maybe there’s something going on that they want to discuss but are afraid or ashamed to.  

A caveat to this, obviously, is if your partner has mentioned thoughts of suicide, homicide or performing other forms of violence, get him/her to the nearest emergency room for a complete mental health evaluation.  If they refuse to go, call 911 and ask the police for assistance.  Your partner may get angry, but taking this action could save their life and connect them with the support they need.

(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! Can a relationship be salvaged after a breakup?

My first reaction is...why would you want it to?

To be fair, it’s not completely impossible for a couple to get back together after breaking up.  The success of the reconciliation, however, hinges on a number of things:

Remember this:  your relationship will never be the same.  It shouldn’t be the same.  What you once had was broken…that’s why you broke up.

Understand that what you want to work on is not a pick-up-where-you-left-off version of the former relationship.  This is a new relationship altogether, so it’s imperative to go back to square-one and begin to get to know each other all over again.  You and your partner have changed not only since you first met, but since the breakup as well, and it will be helpful to know how those changes will impact the new relationship.

Do not live together during this process.  This is not the time for making your lives convenient by sharing the bills.  Keep your own homes and focus only on building something stronger and better than you had before.  A bonus is that if you both decide that the new relationship won’t work, the separation is a bit less difficult because no one has to move out.

If you’re not already in counseling, you must each find your own therapist and make the commitment to self-improvement.  You will identify how you contributed to the previous relationship’s demise.  Each of you will benefit from learning more about who you are and what you want, how to better communicate, how to feel good about yourself, and how to be a loving and supportive partner. 

Make an appointment for couples counseling.  Learn and practice improved communication techniques and how to deal with conflict in mutually-productive, non-violent and respectful ways.

Separately, list concrete examples of how you’ll know when the new relationship is working well (“Spends more quality time with me,” “No screaming or physical altercations,” “I feel trusted because my partner isn’t checking my social media accounts/looking through my purse or wallet,” “Discusses things in a calm and respectful way,” etc.)

Together, discuss and write down the reasons for the breakup (address behaviors only and do not shame your partner).  

Using this list, create a “relationship contract:” Establish ground-rules for how each person expects to be treated, and repair plans for when a rule is violated (example: a verbal, face-to-face apology is given).  Make sure to include ways each of you can help the other feel cared for, respected, and how to make the relationship a priority in both of your lives (date night once a week/month, etc.). 

Set a three-month “contract renewal” date.  You’ll need at least this long to practice your new skills and behaviors.  Evaluate what’s working well and which parts of the contract need revising.  Three-month “check-ins” are a great tool to help keep the relationship moving in a positive direction. 

(c) 2017 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  It's meant to be followed in numerical order. With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan (click on #1 to get started):

1. No contact for 60 days. 

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy.

3. Gather your Dream Team. 
4. Allow yourself to grieve. 

5. Get rid of his stuff.

6. In with the new:  Reclaim your living space.

7. Meet with a counselor.  
8. Do a self-inventory.  

9. Assess the relationship realistically.  

10. Get moving and stay busy.

11. No public breakdowns or tantrums. 
12. Never leave the house wearing something you wouldn’t want to run into your ex in.

13. No backsliding.  

14. Celebrate all successes...big and small. 



[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: Feb. 14th...Do something nice for yourself instead.

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I heard on the news last night that in the United States alone, people spend over $1 billion (yes, I said BILLION) on Valentine's Day.  All I can say is...Really.  Are you freakin' kidding me?

In my work, I hear all too often from unattached folks about the heartbreak of not "being with someone," and the reminder that they are alone...again...on a major holiday like Valentine's Day.  

Those who are in a relationship worry and are annoyed by the expectations of "having to do something" for their partners...but not knowing what to do, how much to do, and how they're going to pay for it.  

It saddens me that a day dedicated to show our love and appreciation with loved ones is so ridden with angst, disappointment and profound sadness.

Let's change that way of thinking today.  Right now.

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Regardless of your "connection-status," I propose that each of us take a moment every day and show our love and appreciation first for ourselves.  

Think about how far you've come, how grateful you are for the opportunities brought your way, your health, and list all of the things that are wonderful about you.

I know, I know...you think this is loon crazy.  But hear me out.  Only when we truly love ourselves as we are today, will we ever be able to feel true love for someone else.  It's impossible to be loved by someone worthy if we don't first feel deserving and worthy ourselves.

If you're single, do something nice for yourself today.  Take yourself out to eat, go to a movie with friends, or buy a small box of your favorite candy (that you don't have to share with anyone!).  

And contrary to the ridiculous statistic I mentioned above, those of you who are in a relationship need not spend a lot of money to show your partner how you feel.  A card, one flower, a heartfelt spoken expression of your appreciation, gratitude and love will do the job.  For realz.

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Anyhoo...I have written a series of blog entries that I hope you'll find informative, interesting and helpful.  I call it the "ABC's of Healthy Relationships," and its purpose is to remind people how to love themselves first, and how to treat their partners (or potential partners) in ways that will up the chances of having the best relationships ever.

PS:  Happy Valentine's Day to Me...and You.   


(c) 2012-2017 Robyn  King.  All Rights Reserved.

Excuses, excuses

I regularly meet with people who are not happy in or satisfied with their intimate relationships because they are violent, drama-ridden and chaotic.  Many, however, mention that their partnerships aren't horrible.  Mediocre.  Not-so-bad.  They believe that it's perfectly appropriate and typical to feel this way most of the time, but feel bad that they aren't more jazzed about their partners, or their partners seem distant and disinterested. 

Being in a “so-so relationship” is not a relationship at all.  A relationship is either good, or it's not.  When it’s good, each partner is fully invested in and committed to the health and growth of their partnership. 

When it’s not, it sucks all of the time. 

A woman who calls her relationship “so-so” isn't getting what she requires to be happy.   She’s also afraid to admit that it’s time to make a clean break and move on. 

My bottom line is no one should ever settle for anything less than a good relationship.  There's no reason to. 

Below are examples of the reasons women are reluctant to walk away from relationships that "aren't so bad," and my responses follow each one.

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"I'm afraid of being single or starting over."

Fear has no place in a relationship.  It’s only when you feel good about yourself, your life and are emotionally, socially and financially self-sufficient that are you ready to be with a partner.  When you can say that you’re really okay living your fabulous life without a partner to share it, that’s the time to invite someone in who’s equally independent.

"He's such a nice guy."

Of course he’s a nice guy…that’s why you chose to be with him!  Your partner doesn’t have to be a distant, unaffected, disengaged jerk to be the wrong person for you.  It would be unfair to string him along while you feel the way you do.  You know how to find a nice guy, so find another one who you really want to be with.   

"He loves me so much (but I'm lukewarm about him)."

You do not have a relationship.  Both partners in healthy relationships feel the same level of affection, caring, respect and love the majority of the time.  When this balance is off long-term, and you are not working particularly hard at remedying the situation, it’s time to move on.

"I love him so much (but he's lukewarm about me)."

Why would you continue to chase after a partner who doesn’t feel the same way about you?  You deserve to receive at least as much love as you give.  If not, it is not a relationship.

"I can change him."

Hear me clearly:  You do not have the power to change anyone but yourself.  You can’t love him enough, do enough, or support him enough to change how he feels about you.  You can change your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, though.  You can decide that you deserve better and take action to have better.  Find a partner who will be so grateful that you chose him, that he will do everything he can to show how much he loves and appreciates you as-is.  This is what a mutually-satisfying relationship feels like.

"The sex is amazing."    

Satisfying sex is important in every healthy relationship, but it’s only a part.  What else do you find amazing about your partnership?  In what other non-sexual ways do you work together to feel good and develop your bond?  You can’t sustain a relationship based only on how great he is in bed.  In time, his desire for (and adeptness at) sex will decline, and then how else will your partnership be sustained?  Think about how mind-blowing sex would be with someone who works as skillfully at making the whole relationship feel good the majority of the time…that kind of devotion is one you can rely on long after passion fades.

"I want to have kids fairly soon."

It’s perfectly appropriate to consider the limited amount of time women really have to start a family.  But having kids with a man who you feel only so-so about is not only bad for you—and him—but your children will grow up thinking that the kind of ill-fitting, unsatisfying relationship you have is the kind to seek for themselves.  You wouldn’t want that for them, right?  So you most certainly shouldn’t want that for yourself either.

"We have so much in common." 

Again, it makes sense that you share interests and experiences…you’re together, after all.  But common threads alone aren’t strong enough to make the relationship worthwhile if you’re not feeling it for him.  It’s just not enough.

"He has a great job he loves."

Wonderful!  It makes a man feel strong and important when he loves what he does for a living and is recognized for it.  The difference between a great relationship and one that’s not so great is the amount of time he spends at work.  Are you both coming home around the same time, sharing dinner and discussing your day?  Or are you eating alone most nights, not knowing when to expect him?  A partner who would rather spend more time working at a job he loves than spending more time with the woman he loves is working his way out of the relationship.

"He's really cute."

There’s plenty of research around that states that attractiveness is an integral part of pairing up.  Makes sense, right?  However, looks are unimportant if a man treats you badly, ignores you, or is indifferent to the relationship.  A so-so looking man who works consistently at making you feel respected, cared for and loved unconditionally will be far more attractive to you than a pretty boy who doesn’t give two hoots.

"He's great with grand or romantic gestures."

Doesn’t it feel wonderful when your partner surprises you with flowers, gifts and lavish vacations?  It’s like the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae!  My question to you is, what is he doing every day, in small ways, to make you feel loved, respected and cared for?  Those gestures that he’s not pointing out to you, or doing in public where everyone can see?  For example, does he brush the snow off your car so you don’t have to?  Does he make the bed because you don’t have time in your rush to get out of the door in the morning?  Does he sit with you to watch a chick-flick without snide or rude remarks?  These day-to-day, seemingly innocuous deeds are the real examples of a partner’s integrity and worthiness of you.  Flowers die, gifts may not fit, and vacations are over much too quickly.  How you’re treated in your mundane, daily life are the things to truly celebrate. 

"He's really outgoing."

If this quality is one that is attractive to you, great.  And I’ll bet your friends and family love this about him.  Who wouldn’t?  But, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, how does he behave when he’s alone with you?  Is he as upbeat and interested in discussing what you’re passionate about as he is when he’s having a conversation with a stranger at a party?

"He has a close relationship with his mother."

Define close.  A man worth his salt thinks the world of his mother, and speaks about her in respectful, loving ways.   But if he is enmeshed with Mom (in other words, the umbilical cord is still intact), this is a huge red flag.  If your man spends more time with his mother, discusses all of his affairs with her, doesn’t make a decision without her advice, and always puts her first, then you need to get outta Dodge now.  You will never, ever be the priority in this man’s life, and you deserve much, much better.

QUESTION:  How's your current relationship going?  Good?  So-so?  Not horrible?  Could be better?  A hot mess? 

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

No. (A complete sentence.)

Such a small word that has so much attached to it.  Many people hate to say it, and most of us don't like hearing it.
It's difficult to turn someone down for a date, an invitation to a party, or an offer to study with a classmate.  A buddy asks to borrow your very expensive road bike.  Your BFF needs money to buy cigarettes.  

We worry about hurting the other person's feelings.  But agreeing to do something that is not good or holds no interest for you is damaging in two ways:  1) you give in because you feel guilty, or 2) you give in because the other person knows just what to say to manipulate you.  Neither is a good reason to say yes when you really want to say no.

Draw the line, then stick to it.

Saying no is an exercise in self-care, self-respect, and self-preservation. It's also an expression that one is setting boundaries with others...drawing a line in the sand, so to speak.  Boundaries are healthy and good for you and for the other people in your life.

Make a plan to be thoughtful and mindful when you are asked for something or to do a task for another person.  Stop and think, "Do I really want to do this?  Do I have the time?  Will I feel better or worse if I say yes?"  Then make the decision that's best for YOU. 

Peter Bregman wrote a blog entry about this and has these nine tips to help you say no.

• Know your no. Identify what's important to you and acknowledge what's not. If you don't know where you want to spend your time, you won't know where you don't want to spend your time. Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no. All the other steps follow this one.
• Be appreciative. It's almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They're asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation. Don't worry; this doesn't need to lead to a yes.
• Say no to the request, not the person. You're not rejecting the person, just declining his invitation. So make that clear. Let him know what you respect about him — maybe you admire the work he's doing, or recognize his passion or generosity. Maybe you would love to meet for lunch. Don't fake this — even if you don't like the person making the request, simply being polite and kind will communicate that you aren't rejecting him.
• Explain why. The particulars of your reason for saying no make very little difference. But having a reason does. Maybe you're too busy. Maybe you don't feel like what they're asking you to do plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you're saying no.
• Be as resolute as they are pushy. Some people don't give up easily. That's their prerogative. But without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. They'll respect you for it. You can make light of it if you want ("I know you don't give up easily — but neither do I. I'm getting better at saying no.")
• Practice. Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Say no when someone tries to sell you something on the street. Go into a room by yourself, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your no muscle helps.
• Establish a pre-emptive no. We all have certain people in our lives who tend to make repeated, sometimes burdensome requests of us. In those cases, it's better to say no before the request even comes in. Let that person know that you're hyper-focused on a couple of things in your life and trying to reduce your obligations in all other areas. If it's your boss who tends to make the requests, agree upfront with her about where you should be spending your time. Then, when the requests come in, you can refer to your earlier conversation.
• Be prepared to miss out. Some of us have a hard time saying no because we hate to miss an opportunity. And saying no always leads to a missed opportunity. But it's not just a missed opportunity; it's a tradeoff. Remind yourself that when you're saying no to the request, you are simultaneously saying yes to something you value more than the request. Both are opportunities. You're just choosing one over the other.
• Gather your courage. If you're someone who is used to saying yes, it will take courage to say no, especially if the person asking doesn't give up easily. You may feel like a bad friend. You might feel like you're letting someone down or not living up to expectations. Maybe you'll imagine that you'll be seen or talked about in a negative light. Those things might be the cost of reclaiming your life. You'll need courage to put up with them.

One more time...it bears repeating...

"No"  is a complete sentence.
Source:  http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/02/nine-practices-to-help-you-say.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=linkedin&goback=%2Egde_4409416_member_215944128

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson.  All Rights Reserved.

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: A

Image:  askinyourface.com

Acceptance

Accepting another person just as they are is powerful in a relationship. This can be done internally through thoughts, and externally through words and actions. Acceptance of perceived shortcomings and circumstances of the relationship can help you and your partner move forward in peace towards the kind of healthy partnership you want.

Unfortunately, new partners have the erroneous belief that, given enough time and effort, they can change the other.  The truth is that there is nothing you can say or do to make anyone else change.  Are you hearing me?  Nothing.  The only person you can change is yourself...that's where your control lies. 

When you and your partner disagree, it is important to have strategies in place to allow you--together--to handle it in such a way that your relationship can grow stronger as a result.  Yes, that's right.  You and your partner can disagree...and the relationship can grow stronger as a result of how the two of you accomplish that disagreement.  How can that be?  The answer is acceptance. 

Acceptance is key to creating harmony for--and between--the two of you.  Acceptance means giving up the idea that there is only a "right way" and a "wrong way."  Acceptance refers to looking at your differences from the viewpoint that there can be two right ways of doing things--which means that the two of you now have more possible solutions to work with. 

Image:  desibucket.com

Accommodation

Accommodation means that we understand and love our partner for who they basically really are, and we make adjustments for that.  Our partner also returns the favor in kind.  We all have bad days, and sometimes that means that we accept that in our partner and allow them be emotional from time-to-time.  It can also mean that we make sense of the world differently than he/she does.  For example, some people like to talk about everything, while others like to get quiet for a while and make sense of the issues on their own. Regardless of your individual style, it means that we agree that “you do it differently than I do and that’s okay.  I love you just the same.”

Image:  tribework.blogspot.com

Affection

Affection is the outward expression of care.  Most often this demonstration is touching, kissing, gift giving, making love, doing favors such as preparing a favorite meal or creating artwork such as poetry or music.  Affection usually occurs because the one giving affection can't contain the love they feel for the other person.  That love compels them to act. 

Affection is a deep, long-standing commitment to understand what your significant other’s needs are and the willingness to consistently strive to meet those needs.  It is love in action, and is the daily motivation to build a strong and lasting relationship with another human being. 

Affection produces feelings of intimacy, security, significance, and respect in a relationship. What results is the tender feelings that are often called love.  It is a learned behavior and for many people, takes a considerable amount of effort to achieve. We are naturally born with the ability and desire to love, but affection takes work.

Be sure to give.  Expect to receive. Tell your significant other if you feel you need something more or something different.  It's that important.

Image:  womenforchange.info

Affirmation

Affirmation comes in two modes:  self-affirmation and affirming your partner.  Acknowledging, appreciating and loving yourself as-is makes you not only an awesome, secure and stable person, but makes you a great catch.  Find ways every day to think about all of the great qualities, talents and abilities you possess and tell yourself what a great person you are.

Partners who affirm (or validate) each other know how to effectively use this kind of “Relationship Glue.”  Focus on your partner’s unique qualities that initially drew you to him/her, and what continues to amaze and intrigue you long after the bloom of new love fades.  Verbalize your love for your spouse every day.  A good way to do this is is to say to your partner, “Know what I love about you?”  then tell him/her what it is.

There are many other ways to affirm your partner as well. You already do it--with words, how you say something, the way you look at and touch him/her. We all affirm our partners, sometimes without realizing it.  Saying, "I love you" is a type of affirmation.  Unfortunately, as relationships develop and begin focusing on the day-to-day responsibilities that often become priority, we tend to stop offering affirmations since we assume that our partner knows how we feel about him/her.

This is a mistake.  If the "relationship glue" is not consistently replenished, your intimate bond will be in serious jeopardy of falling apart.  My suggestion?  Apply generously and liberally, and reapply on a regular basis.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: B

Balance

Many couples have an erroneous belief that doing everything together equals a healthy relationship.  They spend every waking moment together. They do everything together.  They're inseparable and become glued at the hip.  And then the inevitable happens....They slowly begin to let go of their friends, abandon their dreams, and eventually lose their identities....and resentment of each other sets in.  The strength and vitality of the relationship is in serious jeopardy.

So, how do you prevent this from happening?  This translates to practicing "togetherness", as well as its counterpart "separateness," simultaneously in the relationship.  In other words, both partners share a life together of common goals, values, hobbies, activities, and so forth, as they continue to pursue individual interests in order to meet their own personal needs.  Think of it this way:  you and your partner may travel on different paths when pursuing individual interests, but there are also many points at which these paths intersect, which is equally as important to the health of the partnership.

Being romantically involved with someone should not keep you from following your dreams. Otherwise, your emotional and mental growth gets stunted.  Personal growth is an essential part of life.  It's natural to aspire to continually grow, learn, change, and improve upon your current situation.  It allows you to reach your true potential as an individual and gives you personal satisfaction.  Once you achieve a state of self-realization and gratification, you are in a better position to contribute significantly to the partnership.  The essence of transforming you into a better partner leads to a healthy relationship.

Image:  calvary-church.org

Beliefs (and Values)

Within each of us, there are basic fundamental core beliefs and values that act as a guide for the choices that we make.  It is important that we understand our own beliefs and values as well as those of our partner.  Major differences in core beliefs and values may cause significant friction in a relationship.  For instance, say you have a strong work ethic (go to work every day, get there on time, do the job to the best of your ability, etc.) and your partner doesn't care about such things.  He/she may even bounce from job to job, and go without one for quite a long time.  Is this someone who would make a compatible partner for you?  Would the difference in this one important core value make any significant impact on the relationship's success?   Differences should be discussed thoroughly between the two people, and decide together whether the relationship is really worth pursuing.



Image:  legally-alien.blogspot.com

Belonging

Belonging is not just about being in a relationship and feeling that you belong to your mate.  It is a basic human need.  You seek out belonging, feeling loved and being a part of something. You turn to school groups, to internet groups, to common interest groups, religious or spiritual groups.  It satisfies a core need within you; it fulfills your desire to know who you are, and how you fit in the larger world.

So, when you feel connected to the greater world, then you're in a good position to want to belong with a love partner.  Notice I said belong "with" and not belong "to."  You are each separate individuals, and yet you both have the desire to belong, to be loved and a part of something together.



Image:  chelseabeasley.wordpress.com



Best Behavior

Think back to the first few weeks of getting to know your partner.  You watched your manners, shaved and put on cologne when you knew you’d see her, listened intently to his stories about his job and family, and so on.  You put your best-foot-forward, so to speak, to make a good impression on your intended.  If you’ve been together for a while, the tendency is to get comfortable with your partner…which can mean being sloppy with grooming, attitudes and behaviors.  Your partner deserves your best behavior 95% of the time (no one’s perfect, after all), and by doing so you honor their decision to be with (and stay with) you.

Image:  landofmeg.blogspot.com

Billet-Doux

French for “love letter,” it’s good practice in healthy relationships to remind your partner how you feel about them on a regular basis…and not necessarily on an anniversary or other holiday.  It doesn’t have to be long or sound like a Shakepearean sonnet; you could buy (or make) a card and personalize it with a note from your heart.  It can be a love note written on the bathroom mirror. You get extra brownie-points if you leave it in a place where your sweetie will find it unexpectedly and when you’re not around (briefcase, send it to his/her office).

Image: etc.usf.edu

Boundaries

Like the old saying, "good fences make good neighbors," each person has a right to his/her own emotional and physical boundaries.  Only you: 1) decide what limits you have; 2) set your own boundaries; 3) have a right to have your limits respected; and 4) have a responsibility to respect your partner’s limits.  Your partner has the same rights over his/her boundaries, too.  These limitations need to be communicated clearly, honestly, and consistently over time.  “I don’t like it when you…”  “I feel disrespected, unloved, unappreciated, uncared for when..."



(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: C



Image:  explore-oil-pastels-with-robert-sloan.com

Candlelit dinners

This can’t be said too many times.  Healthy relationships use the basics of romance to thrive.  Get out a candle and eat together without the kids.  Dinner doesn’t have to take place in a five-star restaurant, and doesn’t have to be fancy—it can be meatloaf or spaghetti at the kitchen table—but the point of having candles is the soft light makes it easier to focus on the two of you, and is a visual reminder of just how handsome or beautiful your partner still is in your eyes.

Image:  michelletalbert.com

Chemistry

For many, physical attractiveness is at the top of the list of requirements for a relationship.  In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your partner--his or her physical attractiveness. Others feel that looks don't matter as much as one's personality and character. There is no right or wrong way of thinking when it comes to this category; this is totally a personal choice of what gets you jazzed about a potential partner.

There is a chemical response we experience when we're attracted to another.  We excrete oxytocin, known as "the bonding hormone," that makes us feel warm, loving and wanting to be close to that person.  Whether it's hormones or attraction, there's something that sparked your interest in each other.  It's that je-ne-sais-quoi that drew you to your sweetie.  It's possible that one of you is confident, well-spoken and well-liked, and that's what turned your partner on.  Or you are uber-intelligent, but have awesome social skills so that others never feel dumb in your presence, and that's attractive, too.  Regardless, chemistry needs to be there to get the relationship rolling, and keep that spark between you alive. 

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Clarity

Clarity is when everyone involved understands what’s going on in the relationship. There are no assumptions, secrets, guesses, misunderstandings or frustration because you both actually know for certain what’s going on.

Dialogue is very important to achieving clarity. Make sure to practice listening skills and asking questions. Open ended questions are ones that don’t lead to a yes or no answer (who, what, when, where, why, how), and allow the other person to meaningfully explain their perspective.  This is a style of communicating about relationship issues that doesn’t require confrontation; it’s just about people really listening to each other and feeling understood.

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Commitment

Committing to the relationship itself provides a secure container for you and your partner to grow within. This is often the foundation of the relationship itself and can be verbalized, written, or unspoken.  Both parties must agree to the level of commitment they will share (friendship, monogamous romantic relationship, dating casually, etc.).  Where the difficulty lies is in defining the difference between making a promise and a commitment.

A promise is defined as "a verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act."  Examples:  I promise to drop off that package to the post office and will not forget this time.  I promise to be exclusive in our relationship.

A commitment is both a fact demonstrated by behavior, and an attitude consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
Examples:  I am committed to keeping my promises.  I am committed to our relationship.

In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. If a potential partner doesn't regularly keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are most certainly related, and reveals their personal integrity as well.

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Communication

The desire to communicate typically comes pretty easy in the beginning of relationships--you might find yourself talking for hours over dinner or on the phone and it seems as though no time has gone by at all.  The secret, however, is to keep communication consistent and strong as the relationship progresses and settles.

If something is changing or if something is on your mind or troubling you, talk to them face to face.  Some couples report that holding hands during talks give the message that both of you are working together to meet the challenge being discussed.   You have to get comfortable talking to each other because none of us are mind-readers.  

Communication can take many forms, sometimes it's just a look or a touch.  Talk with your partner about how you want to communicate with him/her, and give your sweetie the opportunity to share his/her preferences as well.  There are a lot of resources out there to help us take an insightful look at how we communicate with our partners and how we expect them to communicate with us. Our individual interpretation of how we show love and how we expect to be shown love varies from person to person. Understanding this, and finding mutually satisfying ways to communicate,  is priceless.

 

Compatibility

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If you and your partner have been in the relationship for more than year, you've come to realize that there are differences between the two of you.  Since you're human beings (and, like snowflakes, no two people are alike), there's no way around that.  As a matter of fact, your relationship would be dull and uninteresting if you were mirror images.  However, you can be different and still be compatible.  You may have different preferences for food, entertainment, clothing, sense of humor, and so on.  Healthy couples are compatible in the areas that matter to you both--especially core values and life goals. 

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Compromise

A couple may argue from time to time, but people in a healthy relationship are able to find a middle ground where both sides are respected.  If one person feels the need to constantly be right, then there is no compromise.

Compromise means giving up wants, but not needs.  It's a give and take, taking turns, a blending of your hearts and minds.  For instance, a couple can compromise on where they have dinner, but one must stand their ground and not allow a compromise of anything that would jeopardize one’s sense of self, dignity, physical or emotional well-being.

The Rules of Compromise:  1) Work together on a win-win solution; 2) Don’t go back on your word and follow through with what you've agreed upon; 3) Do it cheerfully; and 4) Expect nothing in return.



Congruence

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Communication between people is expressed in many forms, mainly in thoughts, words and actions.  When these three are aligned and one clearly explains and matches the other two, this is called congruence.  Congruence is essential to build trust in any relationship.


For example, if your partner is proud that you are a college student and fully supports your efforts to reach your goal, then he/she will say so often because he/she sincerely thinks so.  His/her actions will also reflect the thoughts and words by respecting and providing the quiet time and space to do your work, cheerfully understands the time you need away from the relationship to read, study, go to class, and will take on some of the responsibilities that usually fall on you (laundry or taking out the trash, for example) so you have adequate time to devote to your college responsibilities.

When there's incongruence in thoughts, words and actions, then openness needs to step in.  Discuss with your partner about where the disconnect is and come to a solution that works for both of you. 

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson