I regularly meet with people who are not happy in or satisfied with their intimate relationships because they are violent, drama-ridden and chaotic. Many, however, mention that their partnerships aren't horrible. Mediocre. Not-so-bad. They believe that it's perfectly appropriate and typical to feel this way most of the time, but feel bad that they aren't more jazzed about their partners, or their partners seem distant and disinterested.
Being in a “so-so relationship” is not a relationship at all. A relationship is either good, or it's not. When it’s good, each partner is fully invested in and committed to the health and growth of their partnership.
When it’s not, it sucks all of the time.
A woman who calls her relationship “so-so” isn't getting what she requires to be happy. She’s also afraid to admit that it’s time to make a clean break and move on.
My bottom line is no one should ever settle for anything less than a good relationship. There's no reason to.
Below are examples of the reasons women are reluctant to walk away from relationships that "aren't so bad," and my responses follow each one.
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"I'm afraid of being single or starting over."
Fear has no place in a relationship. It’s only when you feel good about yourself, your life and are emotionally, socially and financially self-sufficient that are you ready to be with a partner. When you can say that you’re really okay living your fabulous life without a partner to share it, that’s the time to invite someone in who’s equally independent.
"He's such a nice guy."
Of course he’s a nice guy…that’s why you chose to be with him! Your partner doesn’t have to be a distant, unaffected, disengaged jerk to be the wrong person for you. It would be unfair to string him along while you feel the way you do. You know how to find a nice guy, so find another one who you really want to be with.
"He loves me so much (but I'm lukewarm about him)."
You do not have a relationship. Both partners in healthy relationships feel the same level of affection, caring, respect and love the majority of the time. When this balance is off long-term, and you are not working particularly hard at remedying the situation, it’s time to move on.
"I love him so much (but he's lukewarm about me)."
Why would you continue to chase after a partner who doesn’t feel the same way about you? You deserve to receive at least as much love as you give. If not, it is not a relationship.
"I can change him."
Hear me clearly: You do not have the power to change anyone but yourself. You can’t love him enough, do enough, or support him enough to change how he feels about you. You can change your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, though. You can decide that you deserve better and take action to have better. Find a partner who will be so grateful that you chose him, that he will do everything he can to show how much he loves and appreciates you as-is. This is what a mutually-satisfying relationship feels like.
"The sex is amazing."
Satisfying sex is important in every healthy relationship, but it’s only a part. What else do you find amazing about your partnership? In what other non-sexual ways do you work together to feel good and develop your bond? You can’t sustain a relationship based only on how great he is in bed. In time, his desire for (and adeptness at) sex will decline, and then how else will your partnership be sustained? Think about how mind-blowing sex would be with someone who works as skillfully at making the whole relationship feel good the majority of the time…that kind of devotion is one you can rely on long after passion fades.
"I want to have kids fairly soon."
It’s perfectly appropriate to consider the limited amount of time women really have to start a family. But having kids with a man who you feel only so-so about is not only bad for you—and him—but your children will grow up thinking that the kind of ill-fitting, unsatisfying relationship you have is the kind to seek for themselves. You wouldn’t want that for them, right? So you most certainly shouldn’t want that for yourself either.
"We have so much in common."
Again, it makes sense that you share interests and experiences…you’re together, after all. But common threads alone aren’t strong enough to make the relationship worthwhile if you’re not feeling it for him. It’s just not enough.
"He has a great job he loves."
Wonderful! It makes a man feel strong and important when he loves what he does for a living and is recognized for it. The difference between a great relationship and one that’s not so great is the amount of time he spends at work. Are you both coming home around the same time, sharing dinner and discussing your day? Or are you eating alone most nights, not knowing when to expect him? A partner who would rather spend more time working at a job he loves than spending more time with the woman he loves is working his way out of the relationship.
There’s plenty of research around that states that attractiveness is an integral part of pairing up. Makes sense, right? However, looks are unimportant if a man treats you badly, ignores you, or is indifferent to the relationship. A so-so looking man who works consistently at making you feel respected, cared for and loved unconditionally will be far more attractive to you than a pretty boy who doesn’t give two hoots.
"He's great with grand or romantic gestures."
Doesn’t it feel wonderful when your partner surprises you with flowers, gifts and lavish vacations? It’s like the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae! My question to you is, what is he doing every day, in small ways, to make you feel loved, respected and cared for? Those gestures that he’s not pointing out to you, or doing in public where everyone can see? For example, does he brush the snow off your car so you don’t have to? Does he make the bed because you don’t have time in your rush to get out of the door in the morning? Does he sit with you to watch a chick-flick without snide or rude remarks? These day-to-day, seemingly innocuous deeds are the real examples of a partner’s integrity and worthiness of you. Flowers die, gifts may not fit, and vacations are over much too quickly. How you’re treated in your mundane, daily life are the things to truly celebrate.
"He's really outgoing."
If this quality is one that is attractive to you, great. And I’ll bet your friends and family love this about him. Who wouldn’t? But, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, how does he behave when he’s alone with you? Is he as upbeat and interested in discussing what you’re passionate about as he is when he’s having a conversation with a stranger at a party?
"He has a close relationship with his mother."
Define close. A man worth his salt thinks the world of his mother, and speaks about her in respectful, loving ways. But if he is enmeshed with Mom (in other words, the umbilical cord is still intact), this is a huge red flag. If your man spends more time with his mother, discusses all of his affairs with her, doesn’t make a decision without her advice, and always puts her first, then you need to get outta Dodge now. You will never, ever be the priority in this man’s life, and you deserve much, much better.
QUESTION: How's your current relationship going? Good? So-so? Not horrible? Could be better? A hot mess?
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