HELP! Can a relationship be salvaged after a breakup?

My first reaction is...why would you want it to?

To be fair, it’s not completely impossible for a couple to get back together after breaking up.  The success of the reconciliation, however, hinges on a number of things:

Remember this:  your relationship will never be the same.  It shouldn’t be the same.  What you once had was broken…that’s why you broke up.

Understand that what you want to work on is not a pick-up-where-you-left-off version of the former relationship.  This is a new relationship altogether, so it’s imperative to go back to square-one and begin to get to know each other all over again.  You and your partner have changed not only since you first met, but since the breakup as well, and it will be helpful to know how those changes will impact the new relationship.

Do not live together during this process.  This is not the time for making your lives convenient by sharing the bills.  Keep your own homes and focus only on building something stronger and better than you had before.  A bonus is that if you both decide that the new relationship won’t work, the separation is a bit less difficult because no one has to move out.

If you’re not already in counseling, you must each find your own therapist and make the commitment to self-improvement.  You will identify how you contributed to the previous relationship’s demise.  Each of you will benefit from learning more about who you are and what you want, how to better communicate, how to feel good about yourself, and how to be a loving and supportive partner. 

Make an appointment for couples counseling.  Learn and practice improved communication techniques and how to deal with conflict in mutually-productive, non-violent and respectful ways.

Separately, list concrete examples of how you’ll know when the new relationship is working well (“Spends more quality time with me,” “No screaming or physical altercations,” “I feel trusted because my partner isn’t checking my social media accounts/looking through my purse or wallet,” “Discusses things in a calm and respectful way,” etc.)

Together, discuss and write down the reasons for the breakup (address behaviors only and do not shame your partner).  

Using this list, create a “relationship contract:” Establish ground-rules for how each person expects to be treated, and repair plans for when a rule is violated (example: a verbal, face-to-face apology is given).  Make sure to include ways each of you can help the other feel cared for, respected, and how to make the relationship a priority in both of your lives (date night once a week/month, etc.). 

Set a three-month “contract renewal” date.  You’ll need at least this long to practice your new skills and behaviors.  Evaluate what’s working well and which parts of the contract need revising.  Three-month “check-ins” are a great tool to help keep the relationship moving in a positive direction. 

(c) 2017 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.