HELP! Can a relationship be salvaged after a breakup?

My first reaction is...why would you want it to?

To be fair, it’s not completely impossible for a couple to get back together after breaking up.  The success of the reconciliation, however, hinges on a number of things:

Remember this:  your relationship will never be the same.  It shouldn’t be the same.  What you once had was broken…that’s why you broke up.

Understand that what you want to work on is not a pick-up-where-you-left-off version of the former relationship.  This is a new relationship altogether, so it’s imperative to go back to square-one and begin to get to know each other all over again.  You and your partner have changed not only since you first met, but since the breakup as well, and it will be helpful to know how those changes will impact the new relationship.

Do not live together during this process.  This is not the time for making your lives convenient by sharing the bills.  Keep your own homes and focus only on building something stronger and better than you had before.  A bonus is that if you both decide that the new relationship won’t work, the separation is a bit less difficult because no one has to move out.

If you’re not already in counseling, you must each find your own therapist and make the commitment to self-improvement.  You will identify how you contributed to the previous relationship’s demise.  Each of you will benefit from learning more about who you are and what you want, how to better communicate, how to feel good about yourself, and how to be a loving and supportive partner. 

Make an appointment for couples counseling.  Learn and practice improved communication techniques and how to deal with conflict in mutually-productive, non-violent and respectful ways.

Separately, list concrete examples of how you’ll know when the new relationship is working well (“Spends more quality time with me,” “No screaming or physical altercations,” “I feel trusted because my partner isn’t checking my social media accounts/looking through my purse or wallet,” “Discusses things in a calm and respectful way,” etc.)

Together, discuss and write down the reasons for the breakup (address behaviors only and do not shame your partner).  

Using this list, create a “relationship contract:” Establish ground-rules for how each person expects to be treated, and repair plans for when a rule is violated (example: a verbal, face-to-face apology is given).  Make sure to include ways each of you can help the other feel cared for, respected, and how to make the relationship a priority in both of your lives (date night once a week/month, etc.). 

Set a three-month “contract renewal” date.  You’ll need at least this long to practice your new skills and behaviors.  Evaluate what’s working well and which parts of the contract need revising.  Three-month “check-ins” are a great tool to help keep the relationship moving in a positive direction. 

(c) 2017 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

HELP! Do breakups have to suck?

No.  Breakups don’t ever have to suck.  Not like you think.

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Surprised at my response?

If the two people involved are mature and self-confident enough to realize that their relationship has run its course and it’s time to go their separate ways, they can calmly and respectfully make that decision together, and wish each other well.

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No drama.  No screaming.  No stalking.  No blowing up the other person’s Facebook page with hateful words. No disrespectful behaviors are exchanged.  (These are red-flags for insecure, immature individuals.  These people are to be avoided until they find their missing confidence.)

Don't misunderstand.  It's incredibly sad when you’ve imagined having a life with this person, and realize that it's no longer an option.  It’s absolutely appropriate to grieve the dreams and hopes you had.  Figure out the lessons you learned from that relationship and make a mental note to use that wisdom in positive ways next time.  Eventually the sadness will lift and you will learn to move forward without this person.  You'll once again love your life and will be ready when the next love-of-your-life crosses your path.


If you're a breakup survivor and need some guidance, read The Breakup Recovery Plan.

(c) 2012-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! I need to get out of a toxic relationship. How can I end it but let her down easy?

Your compassion shows how much you care about others' feelings, but the truth is that it won't be easy.  That said, toxic relationships are a danger to our health, well-being, self-esteem and a huge waste of our precious time.  You need to make a clean break.

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When you decide when and where to speak with her (in person), be sure to use “I” statements when telling her that it’s over (“I’m not interested in seeing you any longer,” “I’ve realized that my priorities have changed…” etc.). When you start each statement with “I,” it will keep her from getting defensive, and even though she will be upset, she will hear you say that you have identified your role in the relationship and aren’t necessarily pointing a finger at her. Also, it’s very possible that she’s feeling the same way about your partnership but has been unable to end it herself.

Don’t wait. Don't allow her to guilt you into delaying the inevitable.  End it.  Today.  Your health depends on it.


(c) 2012-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  It's meant to be followed in numerical order. With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan (click on #1 to get started):

1. No contact for 60 days. 

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy.

3. Gather your Dream Team. 
4. Allow yourself to grieve. 

5. Get rid of his stuff.

6. In with the new:  Reclaim your living space.

7. Meet with a counselor.  
8. Do a self-inventory.  

9. Assess the relationship realistically.  

10. Get moving and stay busy.

11. No public breakdowns or tantrums. 
12. Never leave the house wearing something you wouldn’t want to run into your ex in.

13. No backsliding.  

14. Celebrate all successes...big and small. 



[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 1)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is Step 1 of The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.  No calls.  No texts.  No checking out his Facebook page.  No drive-bys.  No dropping in unannounced.  No stalking.  No going to his workplace.  No contact.  Zero.  Zip.  Zilch. Nada.  This is perhaps the most important--and difficult--task to tackle, but having no contact with your ex gives you the emotional distance necessary for complete recovery from a breakup.  The no-contact rule also goes for his family and friends.  Do not text, call or visit his mother, or hang out with his friends to find out how he's doing.  BIG no-no.  Remember this:  space and time are healthy and absolutely necessary right now.

Source:  Google Images



I know, I know...that's definitely not what you wanted to hear.  But it has to be done for your own well-being. So how do you do it?  Erase him from your immediate world.  Block his number and delete text messages from your cell phone.  Unfriend him on Facebook (change your status back to Single while you're at it).  Junk his emails.  Stay away from the places you know he hangs out.  Sixty days sounds like an eternity when your heart and dreams for the future have just been stomped on, but it can be done (I'm living proof of it myself).  On your calendar or planner, mark Day 1, Day 30 and Day 60.  Put a big red “X” on each day you get through.  Watch and be proud of your progress.  Some days will be better than others.  It will certainly get easier as time passes.  On Day 30, if you’ve had no contact, reward yourself with something like a mani/pedi or a movie.  On Day 60 (woo-hoo...you did it!), make the reward bigger.  However, if you backslide (explained later), you must start all over at Day 1.


Next step:  2: Get Yourself a Breakup Buddy

[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 2)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.

My Breakup Buddy and Me

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy.  This is someone who you trust completely, and to whom you can be accountable when you’re having a moment of weakness during the 60-day detox, when you feel sad or lonely, or find yourself plotting some kind of revenge against your ex.  This person will serve as your coach, reality-check, shoulder to cry on, cheerleader, give-you-a-kick-in-the-ass-when-you-need-it friend, someone who will drag you out of the house to get the stink blown off of you, and who will celebrate all of your little victories along the path of recovery.  Choose this person carefully and ask whether he/she is willing to follow through with this level of responsibility every day for the next 60.

Next step:  3.  Gather Your Dream Team


[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 3)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is Step 3 of The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy.

Source:  Google Images

3. Gather your Dream Team.  Isolating yourself from the world ("I don't need anyone...I can do this myself") isn't helpful nor healthy.  Now is when you need to have people in your corner.  In addition to your Breakup Buddy, surround yourself with friends and family who love and like you, but don’t torture them by constantly analyzing the breakup or mentioning his name a million times.  Enlist their help when redecorating and de-cluttering your living space and by accompanying you to the list of fun activities you’ve been wanting to do.

Next step:  4.  Allow yourself to grieve.



[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 4)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 

3. Gather your Dream Team.



Source:  Google Images

4. Allow yourself to grieve.  A loss is difficult, no matter how you slice it.  You feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, annoyed, sad, sad, and sad.  There’s a saying that in order to get over pain you have to go right through it.  Let your feelings bubble up to the surface and recognize that tears, anger and the rest of those icky feelings are necessary to the healing process.  If you don’t give yourself permission now and just push your feelings aside, sometime in the future they will come back to bite you in the backside.  Guaranteed.  Better to feel crummy now and get past it, than to prolong the inevitable and put moving forward with your life on hold.


Next step:  5.  Get rid of his stuff.





[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 5)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 
3. Gather your Dream Team.

4. Allow yourself to grieve.  

Source:  Google Images

5. Get rid of his stuff.   Gather some boxes.  In one box, put all of his clothing and anything of value (iPod, CD's, X-Box, stereo) and give it to your Breakup Buddy to return to him—and, no, you can’t go with her...you’re on a 60-day detox, remember?  In another box, put all of his personal items (toothbrush, underwear and anything else that is of little value and can be tossed) and put it out with this week's trash.  In the third box, place all of the mementos of your relationship (cards, love letters, photos of the two of you, ticket stubs, stuffed animals, anything that makes you think of him), and give to your Breakup Buddy to keep at her house, with the understanding that she will not throw the box out nor will she give you access to it during the 60 days.  Having those things around will do nothing but stall your progress and keep you sad and feeling hurt.  Eventually, as time passes and you work through the pain and begin to feel better, you can decide whether to have your Breakup Buddy toss the box into the trash, or have her help you throw it out yourself.  Out with the old...


Next step:  6.  In with the new: Reclaim your living space!

[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 6)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days. 

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 
3. Gather your Dream Team. 

4. Allow yourself to grieve.

5. Get rid of his stuff.

Source:  Google Images


6. In with the new:  Reclaim your living space.  It's time to reinvent the place where you live.  Clear it out of old, painful reminders of a life you will no longer have.  Instead, create a new perspective, and make room for great new things to come.  Make your space feel fresh and renewed.  Rearrange the furniture.  Hang up some new posters.  Buy a new set of sheets or candles in your favorite scent.  Paint one wall with your favorite color.  Having your home look different will move you toward thinking and feeling hopeful about the new chapter ahead of you.


Next step:  7.  Meet with a counselor



[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 7)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days. 

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 
3. Gather your Dream Team. 

4. Allow yourself to grieve.  

5. Get rid of his stuff. 

6. In with the new:  Reclaim your living space.

Source:  Google Images



7. Meet with a counselor.  You would benefit greatly from sharing your feelings with someone who doesn't know you or your ex.  Seeking out this kind of help is so incredibly healthy...and it does NOT mean you are crazy or mentally ill.  Professionals are trained specifically on how to help people find new coping strategies to get through these kinds of life transitions. Counseling can also help you to regain your self-esteem to prepare you for the next relationship.


Next step:  8. Do a self-inventory




[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.