Warmth
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| Image: revamt.blogspot.com |
Warmth is the result of feeling safe, secure, trusted, and having a mutually-felt sense of connection and attachment. Warmth is a by-product of what psychologist Carl Rogers refers to as unconditional positive regard, where one person appreciates and accepts another person as-is, no changes needed. To maintain or improve the health of your relationship, learn to convey warmth every day. Show how much you like and trust your partner. Hug often. Say thank you. Hold hands. Look your partner in the eye when speaking and listening. Be playful. Make up a special nickname that only you call your partner in private. Laugh at his corny jokes. Eat her burnt cookies and say how delicious they are...and share a good laugh.
David Whyte makes the profound statement that “the antidote to exhaustion is not rest, but wholeheartedness.” Wholeheartedness is marked by unconditional commitment, unwavering devotion, and unreserved enthusiasm for yourself and others. It means being open and truthful and requiring it from your partner.
In her research, Dr. Brené Brown studies people who embrace their vulnerability and imperfection, are connected to the relationships, stand on a foundation of daily gratitude, and are resilient and brave in the face of adversity and conflict. She refers to these people as being wholehearted. They trust their intuition. They appreciate and are not embarrassed by what makes them unique. In short, they love themselves. Let me repeat that: They love themselves. How can YOU become or improve the ways in which you are wholehearted? Dr. Brown came up with this prescription:
- let ourselves be seen (including vulnerabilities and imperfections)
- love with our whole hearts (even though there's no guarantee)
- practice gratitude every day
- believe that I am enough
Wind-Downs
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| Image: frugaljewgal.com |
We are engulfed in extremely full schedules and lives, and time just seems to whiz by. At the end of the day, it's time for bed, and you're feeling tense and can't stop your mind from running at full speed. You toss and turn and worry that you'll be too tired to tackle tomorrow.
In healthy relationships, couples devote a block of time every day to wind down with each other. You could make this part of your bedtime routine. Once your jammies are on and teeth are brushed, the TV, computer, iPad, etc. are turned off, engage with each other. Soothing and calm discussions, reading quietly in each other's presence or reading to each other, giving mutual foot or back rubs, journaling, meditating, listening to relaxing instrumental music...do whatever it takes to make you feel connected to your mate, and practice winding down together for restful, recuperative sleep.
In healthy relationships, couples devote a block of time every day to wind down with each other. You could make this part of your bedtime routine. Once your jammies are on and teeth are brushed, the TV, computer, iPad, etc. are turned off, engage with each other. Soothing and calm discussions, reading quietly in each other's presence or reading to each other, giving mutual foot or back rubs, journaling, meditating, listening to relaxing instrumental music...do whatever it takes to make you feel connected to your mate, and practice winding down together for restful, recuperative sleep.
Work
Both partners need to have something productive to do to feel good about themselves and as equal, contributing members of the team. It makes no difference whether this work is paid or not, but it's extremely important that what is produced or accomplished is respected and valued.
Having a healthy, fulfilling relationship is the result of mostly self-improvement. Push to get outside of your comfort zone. Hone your relationship skills. If you have emotional issues, get into counseling to heal them. Let go of your need to be in control of anyone other than yourself. Remember that the past can only impact your present life if you allow it to. Let go of your parents, and remind yourself that they are doing the best they can with what they have (they're not perfect, and neither are you). Knock down your wall of defenses and fears, and allow another person to know you completely. Work on your capacity for giving and receiving unconditional love.
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| Image: The Worthy Walk |
Defined as having worth, merit or value, it is the ability to recognize and appreciate all of the valuable qualities you and your partner possess, and hopefully, share with each other.
Xtra Effort
As it clearly states in "Work" above, partnerships take time and energy to make and keep them healthy and mutually rewarding. Sometimes, however, this work is hard...make that damn hard...and you might wonder how you'll ever keep it up. That's when you need to make an extra effort to show your love, respect and appreciation for your partner. That extra effort will invariably bring about extra rewards.
Xtravagant Affection
As C. S. Lewis so eloquent stated, "Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." No truer words were spoken. In fact, studies have shown that affection has physical--as well as emotional--benefits. According to Arizona State University human communication expert Dr. Kory Floyd, "Being affectionate is good for you. Affection can be a simple, non-pharmaceutical, cheap way to reduce stress." Floyd has found that there are direct associations between being an affectionate person and a lower risk of depression and stress. "Highly affectionate people tend to have better mental health and less stress. They also react to stress better," he says.It's said that kissing your partner goodbye when you leave for work and hello when you return home (holding for 15 seconds each) not only shows affection for your mate, but has a physiological impact on the body by promoting the production of oxytocin, which has been dubbed "the bonding hormone." Full-contact, sustained hugs have the same effect. Check in with your partner to come to an agreement about what kind of affection, and when and where feels right for you to be affectionate, and make a mutual effort to be extravagant with your affection for each other on a regular basis.
Yielding
Admitting when you are wrong, agree to disagree, happy to comply, accommodating. See Picking Your Battles.
Young-at-Heart
No matter the age, life becomes a lot easier to handle when you are having fun. Doing things you loved as a kid--building a snowman, having a snowfight, riding your bike, jacks, hopscotch, roller skating, etc.--is just the kick in the butt some relationships need to get back in balance and keep the sparks alive. These activities are even more rewarding when they're done with kids (or grandkids) whose innocent, untainted view of the world is delightful.
Zero Tolerance
Zero...zip...zilch...nada...as it relates to dishonesty, disrespect, mistrust and/or interpersonal violence. Address these matters with your partner immediately, communicating clearly that any of these behaviors directed toward you or anyone else will not be tolerated in any circumstance, and with the understanding that you will take action regarding the relationship should the behavior be repeated. Then follow through if necessary.
Embrace the life you have today. Yesterday is gone, and who knows what the future will bring. Find people and things to be thankful for. Write them down in a gratitude journal every day, and when you're feeling down or overwhelmed, read your list aloud. Keep your mindset on a positive path; identify what you have and what you're doing today to move your life forward. Individuals with a zest for life make phenomenal partners...I'm so grateful that I have one myself!
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
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