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Reciprocity refers to the generous and equitable give-and-take between people. Sometimes we give more and sometimes we ask for more. Giving more means that you're aware that something's going on with your partner, understand what they need either physically and/or emotionally, then take steps to meet those needs. This also requires that you are doing enough for yourself that you have something to give.
Needing something from your partner is the other part of reciprocity. You have to develop an awareness of yourself to know why and when you may need more emotional or physical attention from your partner. Once you have that awareness, you must have the confidence and trust to ask your partner for what you need. Your partner cannot read your mind and vice-versa. There has to open communication and awareness for reciprocity to occur.
Over time, assess the give-and-take status of your relationship. It should feel balanced and equitable in the long-run. If not, ask yourselves these questions: Are you doing all the giving and getting nothing back when you need it? Is your partner denying his/her needs to meet yours? Stay on top of this by talking about it when you're both calm and rested.
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Like the beat of a song, rituals define the rhythm and tempo of life. They can be soothing, bring much comfort when the world seems chaotic, and provide structure to one's day. They are activities you can rely on. In the context of relationships, they represent both individuality and a sense of teamwork that glues couples together.
Some examples of rituals:
- one cooks dinner, the other cleans up
- one gets the kids ready for bed, the other makes the next day's lunches
- one sings in the shower, while the other makes the bed
- on every anniversary of your first date, he takes you to the place you had your first date
- you kiss each other before leaving and upon returning
Romance
Sending flowers, going on a date, mentioning how beautiful/handsome your date is, listening intently to what he/she says, eagerness to know the other better, making time to kiss, wanting to spend alone time together...these are examples of romantic gestures used in the beginning of a relationship to let the other person know we're interested. Romance brings couples closer together.
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Some relationship experts feel that romance cannot or should not be sustained a relationship; that it's unrealistic to expect to keep those happy, butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings going as the relationship matures, and the realities of life inevitably step in. I wholeheartedly disagree. I think that it's when couples are shoulder-to-shoulder, dealing with real-life, facing the challenges of working, paying bills, taking care of kids, going to college, etc., that romance can be much-needed respite to help them reconnect and be reminded of why they're together in the first place. I prefer to think of romance as an element of "relationship maintenance."
So, just as you make time for getting the oil changed every 3,000 miles, schedule a date night at least once a month. That's right, I said schedule...put it on your calendar, and treat it as an appointment that can't be changed--you cannot cancel it if something else comes up. If you have kids, find another couple with kids and trade off babysitting services so you won't have to shell out that money. If funds are really tight, find activities that are free or cost next to nothing, or send the kids off for a few hours and enjoy your alone time at home...it's not so much what you do, but that you're spending time together.
When planning your date, pick some of the activities you enjoyed doing when you first met--movie matinee, dancing at a club, rollerskating, hiking...whatever makes both of you happy. Focus on each other, and make a pact not to talk about anything that's causing stress in your lives. This is your special time where nothing else matters but the two of you.
Now, if you're feeling that once a month romance isn't enough for you, surprise your partner with small gestures of your love and appreciation...write a love note on the bathroom mirror (dry-erase markers work great), hold a kiss a few seconds longer than usual, make a batch of his favorite cookies that are his alone to eat. Remember, also, that romance is an emotional gift you give to each other (such as bringing your hearts closer together), and is best executed when it's not motivated by expectations that you'll have sex (although couples do report that they believe their partner is sexiest when he/she is romantic, and physical intimacy results.)
The most important payoffs for planning romance is you'll have something fun to look forward to, your emotional connection will be rejuvenated, and your batteries recharged enough to get you through your busy life...until your next date night.
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
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