ABC's of Healthy Relationships: B

Balance

Many couples have an erroneous belief that doing everything together equals a healthy relationship.  They spend every waking moment together. They do everything together.  They're inseparable and become glued at the hip.  And then the inevitable happens....They slowly begin to let go of their friends, abandon their dreams, and eventually lose their identities....and resentment of each other sets in.  The strength and vitality of the relationship is in serious jeopardy.

So, how do you prevent this from happening?  This translates to practicing "togetherness", as well as its counterpart "separateness," simultaneously in the relationship.  In other words, both partners share a life together of common goals, values, hobbies, activities, and so forth, as they continue to pursue individual interests in order to meet their own personal needs.  Think of it this way:  you and your partner may travel on different paths when pursuing individual interests, but there are also many points at which these paths intersect, which is equally as important to the health of the partnership.

Being romantically involved with someone should not keep you from following your dreams. Otherwise, your emotional and mental growth gets stunted.  Personal growth is an essential part of life.  It's natural to aspire to continually grow, learn, change, and improve upon your current situation.  It allows you to reach your true potential as an individual and gives you personal satisfaction.  Once you achieve a state of self-realization and gratification, you are in a better position to contribute significantly to the partnership.  The essence of transforming you into a better partner leads to a healthy relationship.

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Beliefs (and Values)

Within each of us, there are basic fundamental core beliefs and values that act as a guide for the choices that we make.  It is important that we understand our own beliefs and values as well as those of our partner.  Major differences in core beliefs and values may cause significant friction in a relationship.  For instance, say you have a strong work ethic (go to work every day, get there on time, do the job to the best of your ability, etc.) and your partner doesn't care about such things.  He/she may even bounce from job to job, and go without one for quite a long time.  Is this someone who would make a compatible partner for you?  Would the difference in this one important core value make any significant impact on the relationship's success?   Differences should be discussed thoroughly between the two people, and decide together whether the relationship is really worth pursuing.



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Belonging

Belonging is not just about being in a relationship and feeling that you belong to your mate.  It is a basic human need.  You seek out belonging, feeling loved and being a part of something. You turn to school groups, to internet groups, to common interest groups, religious or spiritual groups.  It satisfies a core need within you; it fulfills your desire to know who you are, and how you fit in the larger world.

So, when you feel connected to the greater world, then you're in a good position to want to belong with a love partner.  Notice I said belong "with" and not belong "to."  You are each separate individuals, and yet you both have the desire to belong, to be loved and a part of something together.



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Best Behavior

Think back to the first few weeks of getting to know your partner.  You watched your manners, shaved and put on cologne when you knew you’d see her, listened intently to his stories about his job and family, and so on.  You put your best-foot-forward, so to speak, to make a good impression on your intended.  If you’ve been together for a while, the tendency is to get comfortable with your partner…which can mean being sloppy with grooming, attitudes and behaviors.  Your partner deserves your best behavior 95% of the time (no one’s perfect, after all), and by doing so you honor their decision to be with (and stay with) you.

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Billet-Doux

French for “love letter,” it’s good practice in healthy relationships to remind your partner how you feel about them on a regular basis…and not necessarily on an anniversary or other holiday.  It doesn’t have to be long or sound like a Shakepearean sonnet; you could buy (or make) a card and personalize it with a note from your heart.  It can be a love note written on the bathroom mirror. You get extra brownie-points if you leave it in a place where your sweetie will find it unexpectedly and when you’re not around (briefcase, send it to his/her office).

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Boundaries

Like the old saying, "good fences make good neighbors," each person has a right to his/her own emotional and physical boundaries.  Only you: 1) decide what limits you have; 2) set your own boundaries; 3) have a right to have your limits respected; and 4) have a responsibility to respect your partner’s limits.  Your partner has the same rights over his/her boundaries, too.  These limitations need to be communicated clearly, honestly, and consistently over time.  “I don’t like it when you…”  “I feel disrespected, unloved, unappreciated, uncared for when..."



(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: C



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Candlelit dinners

This can’t be said too many times.  Healthy relationships use the basics of romance to thrive.  Get out a candle and eat together without the kids.  Dinner doesn’t have to take place in a five-star restaurant, and doesn’t have to be fancy—it can be meatloaf or spaghetti at the kitchen table—but the point of having candles is the soft light makes it easier to focus on the two of you, and is a visual reminder of just how handsome or beautiful your partner still is in your eyes.

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Chemistry

For many, physical attractiveness is at the top of the list of requirements for a relationship.  In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your partner--his or her physical attractiveness. Others feel that looks don't matter as much as one's personality and character. There is no right or wrong way of thinking when it comes to this category; this is totally a personal choice of what gets you jazzed about a potential partner.

There is a chemical response we experience when we're attracted to another.  We excrete oxytocin, known as "the bonding hormone," that makes us feel warm, loving and wanting to be close to that person.  Whether it's hormones or attraction, there's something that sparked your interest in each other.  It's that je-ne-sais-quoi that drew you to your sweetie.  It's possible that one of you is confident, well-spoken and well-liked, and that's what turned your partner on.  Or you are uber-intelligent, but have awesome social skills so that others never feel dumb in your presence, and that's attractive, too.  Regardless, chemistry needs to be there to get the relationship rolling, and keep that spark between you alive. 

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Clarity

Clarity is when everyone involved understands what’s going on in the relationship. There are no assumptions, secrets, guesses, misunderstandings or frustration because you both actually know for certain what’s going on.

Dialogue is very important to achieving clarity. Make sure to practice listening skills and asking questions. Open ended questions are ones that don’t lead to a yes or no answer (who, what, when, where, why, how), and allow the other person to meaningfully explain their perspective.  This is a style of communicating about relationship issues that doesn’t require confrontation; it’s just about people really listening to each other and feeling understood.

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Commitment

Committing to the relationship itself provides a secure container for you and your partner to grow within. This is often the foundation of the relationship itself and can be verbalized, written, or unspoken.  Both parties must agree to the level of commitment they will share (friendship, monogamous romantic relationship, dating casually, etc.).  Where the difficulty lies is in defining the difference between making a promise and a commitment.

A promise is defined as "a verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act."  Examples:  I promise to drop off that package to the post office and will not forget this time.  I promise to be exclusive in our relationship.

A commitment is both a fact demonstrated by behavior, and an attitude consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
Examples:  I am committed to keeping my promises.  I am committed to our relationship.

In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. If a potential partner doesn't regularly keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are most certainly related, and reveals their personal integrity as well.

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Communication

The desire to communicate typically comes pretty easy in the beginning of relationships--you might find yourself talking for hours over dinner or on the phone and it seems as though no time has gone by at all.  The secret, however, is to keep communication consistent and strong as the relationship progresses and settles.

If something is changing or if something is on your mind or troubling you, talk to them face to face.  Some couples report that holding hands during talks give the message that both of you are working together to meet the challenge being discussed.   You have to get comfortable talking to each other because none of us are mind-readers.  

Communication can take many forms, sometimes it's just a look or a touch.  Talk with your partner about how you want to communicate with him/her, and give your sweetie the opportunity to share his/her preferences as well.  There are a lot of resources out there to help us take an insightful look at how we communicate with our partners and how we expect them to communicate with us. Our individual interpretation of how we show love and how we expect to be shown love varies from person to person. Understanding this, and finding mutually satisfying ways to communicate,  is priceless.

 

Compatibility

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If you and your partner have been in the relationship for more than year, you've come to realize that there are differences between the two of you.  Since you're human beings (and, like snowflakes, no two people are alike), there's no way around that.  As a matter of fact, your relationship would be dull and uninteresting if you were mirror images.  However, you can be different and still be compatible.  You may have different preferences for food, entertainment, clothing, sense of humor, and so on.  Healthy couples are compatible in the areas that matter to you both--especially core values and life goals. 

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Compromise

A couple may argue from time to time, but people in a healthy relationship are able to find a middle ground where both sides are respected.  If one person feels the need to constantly be right, then there is no compromise.

Compromise means giving up wants, but not needs.  It's a give and take, taking turns, a blending of your hearts and minds.  For instance, a couple can compromise on where they have dinner, but one must stand their ground and not allow a compromise of anything that would jeopardize one’s sense of self, dignity, physical or emotional well-being.

The Rules of Compromise:  1) Work together on a win-win solution; 2) Don’t go back on your word and follow through with what you've agreed upon; 3) Do it cheerfully; and 4) Expect nothing in return.



Congruence

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Communication between people is expressed in many forms, mainly in thoughts, words and actions.  When these three are aligned and one clearly explains and matches the other two, this is called congruence.  Congruence is essential to build trust in any relationship.


For example, if your partner is proud that you are a college student and fully supports your efforts to reach your goal, then he/she will say so often because he/she sincerely thinks so.  His/her actions will also reflect the thoughts and words by respecting and providing the quiet time and space to do your work, cheerfully understands the time you need away from the relationship to read, study, go to class, and will take on some of the responsibilities that usually fall on you (laundry or taking out the trash, for example) so you have adequate time to devote to your college responsibilities.

When there's incongruence in thoughts, words and actions, then openness needs to step in.  Discuss with your partner about where the disconnect is and come to a solution that works for both of you. 

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson 

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: R

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Reciprocity

Reciprocity refers to the generous and equitable give-and-take between people.  Sometimes we give more and sometimes we ask for more.  Giving more means that you're aware that something's going on with your partner, understand what they need either physically and/or emotionally, then take steps to meet those needs.  This also requires that you are doing enough for yourself that you have something to give.

Needing something from your partner is the other part of reciprocity.  You have to develop an awareness of yourself to know why and when you may need more emotional or physical attention from your partner.  Once you have that awareness, you must have the confidence and trust to ask your partner for what you need.  Your partner cannot read your mind and vice-versa.  There has to open communication and awareness for reciprocity to occur.

Over time, assess the give-and-take status of your relationship.  It should feel balanced and equitable in the long-run.  If not, ask yourselves these questions:  Are you doing all the giving and getting nothing back when you need it?  Is your partner denying his/her needs to meet yours?  Stay on top of this by talking about it when you're both calm and rested.

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Rituals

Like the beat of a song, rituals define the rhythm and tempo of life.  They can be soothing, bring much comfort when the world seems chaotic, and provide structure to one's day.  They are activities you can rely on.  In the context of relationships, they represent both individuality and a sense of teamwork that glues couples together.

Some examples of rituals:

• one cooks dinner, the other cleans up
• one gets the kids ready for bed, the other makes the next day's lunches
• one sings in the shower, while the other makes the bed
• on every anniversary of your first date, he takes you to the place you had your first date
• you kiss each other before leaving and upon returning

You get the idea.  Rituals between couples show unity and collaboration.  What rituals have you established with your sweetie? 


Romance
Sending flowers, going on a date, mentioning how beautiful/handsome your date is, listening intently to what he/she says, eagerness to know the other better, making time to kiss, wanting to spend alone time together...these are examples of romantic gestures used in the beginning of a relationship to let the other person know we're interested.  Romance brings couples closer together.

Image:  romanticlovepictures.com

Some relationship experts feel that romance cannot or should not be sustained a relationship; that it's unrealistic to expect to keep those happy, butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings going as the relationship matures, and the realities of life inevitably step in.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  I think that it's when couples are shoulder-to-shoulder, dealing with real-life, facing the challenges of working, paying bills, taking care of kids, going to college, etc., that romance can be much-needed respite to help them reconnect and be reminded of why they're together in the first place.  I prefer to think of romance as an element of  "relationship maintenance."

So, just as you make time for getting the oil changed every 3,000 miles, schedule a date night at least once a month.  That's right, I said schedule...put it on your calendar, and treat it as an appointment that can't be changed--you cannot cancel it if something else comes up.  If you have kids, find another couple with kids and trade off babysitting services so you won't have to shell out that money.  If funds are really tight, find activities that are free or cost next to nothing, or send the kids off for a few hours and enjoy your alone time at home...it's not so much what you do, but that you're spending time together. 

When planning your date, pick some of the activities you enjoyed doing when you first met--movie matinee, dancing at a club, rollerskating, hiking...whatever makes both of you happy.  Focus on each other, and make a pact not to talk about anything that's causing stress in your lives.  This is your special time where nothing else matters but the two of you.

Now, if you're feeling that once a month romance isn't enough for you, surprise your partner with small gestures of your love and appreciation...write a love note on the bathroom mirror (dry-erase markers work great), hold a kiss a few seconds longer than usual, make a batch of his favorite cookies that are his alone to eat.  
 
Remember, also, that romance is an emotional gift you give to each other (such as bringing your hearts closer together), and is best executed when it's not motivated by expectations that you'll have sex (although couples do report that they believe their partner is sexiest when he/she is romantic, and physical intimacy results.)

The most important payoffs for planning romance is you'll have something fun to look forward to, your emotional connection will be rejuvenated, and your batteries recharged enough to get you through your busy life...until your next date night.


(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson