Team Approach
When tough times hit, remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. You’ve got each other’s back. The idea should be that you both are on the same side pulling against the world.
Time Together
It takes time to get to know someone, and it works best when in each other's presence. After the newness wears off of a romantic relationship, however, the time you spend together is more about quality than quantity. Share experiences. Talk about your day, then listen intently about your partner's. Do things together. Even chores can be fun when you make a game out of it (face it, everyone likes competition!). Take turns doing something your partner likes versus always doing what you want to do. Sometimes it's cool to just sit with each other while one of you watches TV and the other just reads a book. This balance of being separate individuals and committed partners is what healthy relationships are built upon.
It takes time to get to know someone, and it works best when in each other's presence. After the newness wears off of a romantic relationship, however, the time you spend together is more about quality than quantity. Share experiences. Talk about your day, then listen intently about your partner's. Do things together. Even chores can be fun when you make a game out of it (face it, everyone likes competition!). Take turns doing something your partner likes versus always doing what you want to do. Sometimes it's cool to just sit with each other while one of you watches TV and the other just reads a book. This balance of being separate individuals and committed partners is what healthy relationships are built upon.
As important as spending time together is, it's equally critical to schedule time apart as well. New relationships are all about time together, but as the relationship develops, it's healthy to want to spend time alone with friends. (Wanting to do things alone or with others is not a sign that your relationship is failing.) It is dangerous, suffocating, and unhealthy when you allow the focus on your partner to become so narrow that you completely neglect your friends, family, hobbies and interests. Being a healthy individual translates into being a healthy partner. Ideally, you will both be secure enough with yourselves and trust each other that you don't have to spend every minute together. In fact, you will become comfortable and enjoy immensely how much time you spend apart. Besides, think of all the great stories about your outside interests that you get to share with your partner...making you a more interesting and attractive individual!
Trust
Mutual trust is the hallmark of healthy relationships. Trust in relationships can only be demonstrated when each person feels good about themselves, has integrity, is independent in thoughts, behaviors and finances, has little self-doubt, and believes that their individual lives will continue to move forward--regardless of whether the relationship lasts.
As you get to know your partner better over time, take notice of how he/she shows you how trustworthy they are. (Does he/she stand by their word?) Demonstrate to your partner that you can be trusted as well. (Do you keep promises and tell the truth?) When you say you will call, give a specific time (say, at 8:00), then be damn sure to call at 8:00 (for extra brownie points, call a couple of minutes early). If you will be late for a scheduled get-together, give your partner the courtesy of a phone call or text. The next time your sweetie goes out with his boys, believe him and trust that he is responsible enough to call you should something go wrong...and enjoy your time apart (see "Time Apart" above).
If you find yourself calling or texting your partner 100 times a day to find out where he is, what he's doing and who he's with, if you're checking her texts/Facebook wall or emails for messages from other guys, or you're secretly following him (or having your friends follow him), there is no trust between you. None.
If you question your partner's trustworthiness, one of two things is happening: 1) your partner has actually violated your trust through his/her actions; or 2) you are extremely afraid that your partner is not really committed to you and/or is actively looking for someone else to be with. Either circumstance points to a partnership that is not worth having. Healthy connections cannot be built on financial dependence, insecurity, immaturity, and/or fear.
Observable violations of trust should also give you reason to question the future of your relationship. (Notice I said observable; this means you yourself have witnessed your partner's behaviors or heard his/her words--not what others are reporting to you third-hand.) People who are not trustworthy are selfish, have no integrity and do not care about how their actions influence others. Only you can decide whether this is the kind of partner you want. Trust what you know to be true.
Make sure your partner is worthy of, values and upholds your trust, and require he/she face specific consequences when violations are made. Organize your own life and behavior so as to always deserve your partner's faith and trust as well. You must establish and protect mutual trust in your relationship. Without this key ingredient, you have no relationship. Period.
As you get to know your partner better over time, take notice of how he/she shows you how trustworthy they are. (Does he/she stand by their word?) Demonstrate to your partner that you can be trusted as well. (Do you keep promises and tell the truth?) When you say you will call, give a specific time (say, at 8:00), then be damn sure to call at 8:00 (for extra brownie points, call a couple of minutes early). If you will be late for a scheduled get-together, give your partner the courtesy of a phone call or text. The next time your sweetie goes out with his boys, believe him and trust that he is responsible enough to call you should something go wrong...and enjoy your time apart (see "Time Apart" above).
If you question your partner's trustworthiness, one of two things is happening: 1) your partner has actually violated your trust through his/her actions; or 2) you are extremely afraid that your partner is not really committed to you and/or is actively looking for someone else to be with. Either circumstance points to a partnership that is not worth having. Healthy connections cannot be built on financial dependence, insecurity, immaturity, and/or fear.
Make sure your partner is worthy of, values and upholds your trust, and require he/she face specific consequences when violations are made. Organize your own life and behavior so as to always deserve your partner's faith and trust as well. You must establish and protect mutual trust in your relationship. Without this key ingredient, you have no relationship. Period.
Understanding
One of our basic human needs is being understood by others. A common complaint I hear in my work as a counselor is that men and women seem to speak different languages. Can you remember the last time you had a disagreement and you or the other person said, "You're just not hearing me! You don't understand!" "Are we even talking about the same thing?"
Thankfully, there is a solution. When your partner speaks with you, listen actively--without interruption--then paraphrase what was said, without adding your emotional reaction to it. ("If I heard you correctly, you said...") This gives excellent feedback to your partner as to whether you heard and understood everything that was conveyed, and offers the opportunity for him/her to repeat anything you may have missed and/or the option to give you more information. Then ask what he/she wants from you: advice or solution options, or listening and offering support. Address any issues that involve you with "I" statements (meaning you reply by saying things like "I can see how upset you are..." "I am sorry..." "I understand what you're saying..." which prevents your partner from becoming defensive). Ask your partner to do the same for you. Not only will you both feel understood (significantly reducing the number of disagreements--huge bonus), this style of active communication builds and sustains a strong bond between you.
Validation
Another human need is to be assured that one's feelings, thoughts, dreams and existence are valid and important. When we're upset, we need to hear that our reasons for feeling so are accurate. When we do a good job, it feels so good when the boss offers recognition with a pat on the back. We all have an innate to feel that who we are and what we do matters to someone. Validate the loved ones in your life. If you need validation but aren't receiving it, let your partner know, and ask for it. For a booster, you can regularly validate yourself ("I matter." "What I do has importance and value.").
Vision
Vision is defined by an individual having goals, dreams, aspirations. In the context of relationships, individual visions are accepted, supported and respected by each partner, and a shared vision for the relationship also holds an important place. Having the freedom for you and your partner to pursue your own visions separately, while working together on common, mutually-agreed-upon goals is like super-glue in relationships.(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
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