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Monogamy refers to when one person is committed physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and financially to another person. It is a personal choice that each individual makes, and make together as a couple. There is no judgment whether being monogamous is better than not being. What does matter is whether you and your potential partner want the same thing.
It's my opinion that this is an issue to be discussed on the first date. For realz. You need to identify and be steadfast in your true reason for pairing up. If you're interested in determining whether there is potential for a long-term relationship, you need to say so at the get-go. Or, neither of you wants that kind of commitment at this time in your lives. That's cool, too. But doesn't it make sense to know whether you're both on the same page as soon as possible? It will not work if only one of you wants to be monogamous, or you agree to something other than what you really want for the sake of being with that person. Someone gets hurt in this scenario every time.
For example, when I was still in the dating arena, I knew exactly why I was dating and what I was looking for: I was ready to find someone to settle down with and marry. So I made it a habit to ask on every first date what his goal for dating was: did he just want to have fun, be friends with benefits, keep it casual so we could see other people, or was he interested in a long-term relationship with the hopes of marriage. (I asked it in this way so as not to lead him to an answer he thought I'd want to hear.) This took many men aback; some said they didn't understand why I asked such a serious question so soon after meeting. Others laughed nervously and changed the subject. Those guys didn't get a second date. Why? I didn't want to waste any more of my time or theirs. I knew what I wanted and chose not to settle for a man who didn't want the same.
It's my opinion that this is an issue to be discussed on the first date. For realz. You need to identify and be steadfast in your true reason for pairing up. If you're interested in determining whether there is potential for a long-term relationship, you need to say so at the get-go. Or, neither of you wants that kind of commitment at this time in your lives. That's cool, too. But doesn't it make sense to know whether you're both on the same page as soon as possible? It will not work if only one of you wants to be monogamous, or you agree to something other than what you really want for the sake of being with that person. Someone gets hurt in this scenario every time.
For example, when I was still in the dating arena, I knew exactly why I was dating and what I was looking for: I was ready to find someone to settle down with and marry. So I made it a habit to ask on every first date what his goal for dating was: did he just want to have fun, be friends with benefits, keep it casual so we could see other people, or was he interested in a long-term relationship with the hopes of marriage. (I asked it in this way so as not to lead him to an answer he thought I'd want to hear.) This took many men aback; some said they didn't understand why I asked such a serious question so soon after meeting. Others laughed nervously and changed the subject. Those guys didn't get a second date. Why? I didn't want to waste any more of my time or theirs. I knew what I wanted and chose not to settle for a man who didn't want the same.
The first time I met my sweetie, I asked the question, and he said, "I'm really a one-woman kind of man, and imagine that I will get married." Cha-ching! We had the same goal, and he got a second (and third, and fourth...) date. Once it was mutually decided that we would be exclusive and monogamous, that set the stage for building a relationship...and a healthy one at that. Truth be told, it's the best relationship I've ever been in. In fact, it's so great that I agreed to marry him next year.
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Moxie
Moxie is defined as the ability to face difficulty with spirit, confidence and courage. (It is synonymous with chutzpah, guts and backbone.) You won't allow anyone or anything to compromise your relationship. You put up your dukes (figuratively speaking) and confront anything that gets in your way. Both of you are committed and fearless enough to tackle any problem together--regardless of other's opinions, and with the desire for a stronger bond between you as a result. That's moxie.
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Mutual Respect
This refers to honoring each other's decisions and choices (even if they differ from yours), and fully accepting the other person for what and who they are.
In my counseling practice, I talk with a lot of people who are struggling with their intimate relationships. I often hear that one person believes the idea that if only his/her partner could be "fixed," then the partnership would be happy and successful.
Respecting our partner has to be built on the recognition that he/she is an intelligent and remarkably capable person. (It's probably one of the reasons you got together in the first place, right?) Your sweetie may not be as good as you are at organization, baseball, cooking, gardening or whatever. But, you know what? You aren't as good as they are at many things. The bottom line is in healthy relationships, neither of you is superior to the other. You are each fully functioning human beings.
Once you've reminded yourself (and your partner) of these facts, what do you do next? For starters, change your mindset that either of you needs to be fixed in any way. The only control you have is over your own behavior and how you respond to others. (Make this your mantra.) That said, should you have a problem with something that is said or done, say so right when it happens. (Of course, if you're out in public, please give him/her the courtesy of getting to a private place to have this conversation, but don't let too much time to go by.) Tell your partner that you love him/her, but state calmly, firmly and specifically how the problematic behavior affects you, and that you want it to stop immediately.
None of us are mind-readers, and if a hurtful or embarrassing behavior is not addressed at the time it happens, the person will assume you accept the behavior, and true to human nature, it will continue. Most of us want to please our partners, so give yours the benefit of the doubt that the upsetting behavior was not done intentionally, but rather a momentary lapse in judgment. Provide the opportunity and instructions to make it right. This will help both of you hone your skills in giving and receiving respect.
On the other side of the coin, if your partner does or says something kind, thoughtful, romantic, etc., tell him/her immediately, mention how much you appreciate it and offer affection to solidify the message. This also clues him/her into the behaviors that make you feel loved and respected, and you want them to be repeated!
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
In my counseling practice, I talk with a lot of people who are struggling with their intimate relationships. I often hear that one person believes the idea that if only his/her partner could be "fixed," then the partnership would be happy and successful.
Truth is, most people aren't broken. Life was working before we allied with our partner, and will continue to work even if the relationship ends. We choose to be with our partner because it enhances our life, and hopefully makes us happier. That's not to say that we all can't improve in certain skill areas, but when a partner implies (or tells you directly) that you are broken, it hurts profoundly. It also sends the message that you are not respected for who you are...as-is.
Respecting our partner has to be built on the recognition that he/she is an intelligent and remarkably capable person. (It's probably one of the reasons you got together in the first place, right?) Your sweetie may not be as good as you are at organization, baseball, cooking, gardening or whatever. But, you know what? You aren't as good as they are at many things. The bottom line is in healthy relationships, neither of you is superior to the other. You are each fully functioning human beings.
Once you've reminded yourself (and your partner) of these facts, what do you do next? For starters, change your mindset that either of you needs to be fixed in any way. The only control you have is over your own behavior and how you respond to others. (Make this your mantra.) That said, should you have a problem with something that is said or done, say so right when it happens. (Of course, if you're out in public, please give him/her the courtesy of getting to a private place to have this conversation, but don't let too much time to go by.) Tell your partner that you love him/her, but state calmly, firmly and specifically how the problematic behavior affects you, and that you want it to stop immediately.
None of us are mind-readers, and if a hurtful or embarrassing behavior is not addressed at the time it happens, the person will assume you accept the behavior, and true to human nature, it will continue. Most of us want to please our partners, so give yours the benefit of the doubt that the upsetting behavior was not done intentionally, but rather a momentary lapse in judgment. Provide the opportunity and instructions to make it right. This will help both of you hone your skills in giving and receiving respect.
On the other side of the coin, if your partner does or says something kind, thoughtful, romantic, etc., tell him/her immediately, mention how much you appreciate it and offer affection to solidify the message. This also clues him/her into the behaviors that make you feel loved and respected, and you want them to be repeated!
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
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