ABC's of Healthy Relationships: N

Sorry...couldn't resist these adorable kittens

Nearness

One of the many elements of healthy relationships is nearness (also called proximity).  While it's certainly possible to have a good long-distance relationship (military families do it all the time), it's important to be in your partner's presence a majority of the time.  Why?  Because couples need extended face-to-face opportunities to build a healthy partnership.  They need to learn how to work together as a team.  To endure and get past the daily hassles and life obstacles that get in the way.  How to live in the same space.  How to handle finances.  How to negotiate disagreements fairly.  How to plan dreams and goals.

I'm not suggesting that individuals can't live alone and handle these issues separately (in fact, you should both be able to), but a relationship is based on the two people involved to be "in relation" to each other...meaning being near and together.

Nesting

  

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You've decided to live together, and are so excited and happy at the opportunities to save money and be together on a daily basis (see Nearness).  Your partner brings his things to your apartment, and you realize that there's not enough room for his stuff.  She wants to put "girly things" in every room and it's not sitting too well with you.  Whose bed will you use?  Where will his favorite chair fit?  You now have two of everything in the kitchen and there's no space.  What DO you do?

This process is called nesting.  When two people plan to share their lives and their home, a lot of compromises need to be made when building that "nest."  Ideally, you will find a new place to live and give up where you lived separately to create a home that will really be both of yours.  However, if that's not feasible, then decide which of your apartments is bigger/more convenient/more affordable, etc.  If your partner is moving into your place, you need to make room by weeding out some of your stuff.  Make space in the closets or give up one of yours so your partner can have his/her own.  If you don't have room for a second dresser, free up half of the drawers for your sweetie.  Decide together which toaster/blender/dishes/furniture, etc. you'll keep and sell or donate the extras.  Both of you needs to have a say in how your new home will look and function.

Another great nesting tip (and another exercise in compromise) is to make your living space gender neutral so that both will feel comfortable.  Repaint the bedroom in a soothing earth tone and get rid of the frou-frou or hunting gear.  Take down some of your sports memorabilia and make space for your sweetie to put up some of her cherished things.  Tone down your pink-tile bathroom by using accessories in chocolate brown or navy.  In other words, redefine these spaces to accommodate both of you...because it now belongs to both of you.

 

Nicknames

Nicknames, or other terms of endearment, are yet another way in which we create intimacy in our relationships.  What we call each other in private make our interactions special, because no one but our most intimate partner uses those terms, like Sweetie, Honey, Babe, Cookie, Superman, Cupcake, Big Guy, etc.  Decide whether these names are ever to be used in others' presence, or whether one or two is acceptable.  There is one caveat to calling each other nicknames:  they must not demean or disrespect the other person in any way.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson