ABC's of Healthy Relationships: E

Image:  gratuity-not-included.com

Editing

There are times when we want to say exactly what's on our minds at exactly the time we're thinking it.  You are almost bursting to tell your partner what you're really thinking.  Hold on, now.  This is where editing comes in. 


What do you want to say, and in what spirit are you saying it?  Are you complimenting, supporting or otherwise uplifting your partner?  Are you trying to butter them up?   Or are you so frustrated, hurt, angry, pissed that you just want to tell your loved one off?  Being honest is always the best policy, but not at the expense of your partner's feelings...or your integrity.


Healthy couples have learned to take a moment to self-assess what's really going on ("Why do I want to say this?"  "What's my motivation?"  "What outcome will come of this?").  If the intent is to be loving, go for it.  If you are angry or otherwise frustrated or stressed, take a time-out to calm down, choose your words carefully--being sure to address a behavior and not your partner's character.   

Image:  superstock.com

Effort

What keeps a relationship really going is the effort that a couple puts in it.  You should be willing to make amends after a fight, or help your partner go through his/her own personal struggle.  The effort that you exert is highly appreciated, with the added bonus that your partner has become more sensitive to you in the relationship. Remember that you deserve to get at least as much as you give, and your partner deserves the same. Couples who exert efforts on their relationship naturally result in satisfied couples with deeper understanding of each other.

Image:  vi.sualize.us

Embracing

One of the most important elements to a healthy relationship is a regular diet of physical contact with your partner…including those connections that are non-sexual in nature.  Hugging offers many healing properties:   One study found that hugging increased the amounts of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone.  Hugging also reduces heart disease, diminishes stress, promotes longevity, strengthens social ties, lowers blood pressure, lowers heart rate, and benefits both huggers equally.

Make the time to hug each other several times a day, without the motivation of expecting anything in return.  It's a wonderful way to strengthen the bond with your partner, it feels great, and costs nothing.  Win-win-win!

Equality

Healthy couples are comprised of two equal partners.  In fact, the dictionary defines the word partner as "a person associated with another...in a joint venture, usually sharing its risks and profits."  Each has an equal share in decision making, and neither partner is used selfishly by the other.  Both benefit from the rewards, and work in tandem to endure the problems.  The interests, opinions and feelings of both partners are shared equally and openly between each other. 

Think of yourselves as members on the same team, working shoulder-to-shoulder on common goals, dodging the obstacles, each share carrying the ball and fighting off the opponent, and both doing your happy dance when you score, or holding each other up when you don't.  That's a healthy relationship.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson 

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: W-Z

Warmth

Image:  revamt.blogspot.com

Warmth is the result of feeling safe, secure, trusted, and having a mutually-felt sense of connection and attachment. Warmth is a by-product of what psychologist Carl Rogers refers to as unconditional positive regard, where one person appreciates and accepts another person as-is, no changes needed.  To maintain or improve the health of your relationship, learn to convey warmth every day.  Show how much you like and trust your partner.  Hug often.  Say thank you.  Hold hands.  Look your partner in the eye when speaking and listening.  Be playful.  Make up a special nickname that only you call your partner in private.  Laugh at his corny jokes.  Eat her burnt cookies and say how delicious they are...and share a good laugh.



Image:  brenebrown.com



Wholeheartedness

David Whyte makes the profound statement that “the antidote to exhaustion is not rest, but wholeheartedness.”  Wholeheartedness is marked by unconditional commitment, unwavering devotion, and unreserved enthusiasm for yourself and others.  It means being open and truthful and requiring it from your partner.

In her research, Dr. Brené Brown studies people who embrace their vulnerability and imperfection, are connected to the relationships, stand on a foundation of daily gratitude, and are resilient and brave in the face of adversity and conflict. She refers to these people as being wholehearted.   They trust their intuition.  They appreciate and are not embarrassed by what makes them unique.  In short, they love themselves.  Let me repeat that:  They love themselves.  How can YOU become or improve the ways in which you are wholehearted?  Dr. Brown came up with this prescription:

• let ourselves be seen (including vulnerabilities and imperfections)
• love with our whole hearts (even though there's no guarantee)
• practice gratitude every day 
• believe that I am enough

Wind-Downs

Image:  frugaljewgal.com

We are engulfed in extremely full schedules and lives, and time just seems to whiz by.  At the end of the day, it's time for bed, and you're feeling tense and can't stop your mind from running at full speed.  You toss and turn and worry that you'll be too tired to tackle tomorrow.

In healthy relationships, couples devote a block of time every day to wind down with each other.  You could make this part of your bedtime routine.  Once your jammies are on and teeth are brushed, the TV, computer, iPad, etc. are turned off, engage with each other.  Soothing and calm discussions, reading quietly in each other's presence or reading to each other, giving mutual foot or back rubs, journaling, meditating, listening to relaxing instrumental music...do whatever it takes to make you feel connected to your mate, and practice winding down together for restful, recuperative sleep.

Work

Both partners need to have something productive to do to feel good about themselves and as equal, contributing members of the team.  It makes no difference whether this work is paid or not, but it's extremely important that what is produced or accomplished is respected and valued.

Working on Yourself

Having a healthy, fulfilling relationship is the result of mostly self-improvement.  Push to get outside of your comfort zone.  Hone your relationship skills.  If you have emotional issues, get into counseling to heal them. Let go of your need to be in control of anyone other than yourself.  Remember that the past can only impact your present life if you allow it to.  Let go of your parents, and remind yourself that they are doing the best they can with what they have (they're not perfect, and neither are you). Knock down your wall of defenses and fears, and allow another person to know you completely.  Work on your capacity for giving and receiving unconditional love.

Image:  The Worthy Walk

Worthiness

Defined as having worth, merit or value, it is the ability to recognize and appreciate all of the valuable qualities you and your partner possess, and hopefully, share with each other.

Xtra Effort

As it clearly states in "Work" above, partnerships take time and energy to make and keep them healthy and mutually rewarding.  Sometimes, however, this work is hard...make that damn hard...and you might wonder how you'll ever keep it up.  That's when you need to make an extra effort to show your love, respect and appreciation for your partner.  That extra effort will invariably bring about extra rewards.

Xtravagant Affection

As C. S. Lewis so eloquent stated, "Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives."  No truer words were spoken.  In fact, studies have shown that affection has physical--as well as emotional--benefits.  According to Arizona State University human communication expert Dr. Kory Floyd, "Being affectionate is good for you. Affection can be a simple, non-pharmaceutical, cheap way to reduce stress." Floyd has found that there are direct associations between being an affectionate person and a lower risk of depression and stress.  "Highly affectionate people tend to have better mental health and less stress. They also react to stress better," he says.

It's said that kissing your partner goodbye when you leave for work and hello when you return home (holding for 15 seconds each) not only shows affection for your mate, but has a physiological impact on the body by promoting the production of oxytocin, which has been dubbed "the bonding hormone."  Full-contact, sustained hugs have the same effect.  Check in with your partner to come to an agreement about what kind of affection, and when and where feels right for you to be affectionate, and make a mutual effort to be extravagant with your affection for each other on a regular basis.

Yielding

Admitting when you are wrong, agree to disagree, happy to comply, accommodating.  See Picking Your Battles.

Young-at-Heart

No matter the age, life becomes a lot easier to handle when you are having fun.  Doing things you loved as a kid--building a snowman, having a snowfight, riding your bike, jacks, hopscotch, roller skating, etc.--is just the kick in the butt some relationships need to get back in balance and keep the sparks alive.  These activities are even more rewarding when they're done with kids (or grandkids) whose innocent, untainted view of the world is delightful.

Zero Tolerance

Zero...zip...zilch...nada...as it relates to dishonesty, disrespect, mistrust and/or interpersonal violence.  Address these matters with your partner immediately, communicating clearly that any of these behaviors directed toward you or anyone else will not be tolerated in any circumstance, and with the understanding that you will take action regarding the relationship should the behavior be repeated.  Then follow through if necessary.

Zest
Embrace the life you have today.  Yesterday is gone, and who knows what the future will bring.  Find people and things to be thankful for.  Write them down in a gratitude journal every day, and when you're feeling down or overwhelmed, read your list aloud.  Keep your mindset on a positive path; identify what you have and what you're doing today to move your life forward.  Individuals with a zest for life make phenomenal partners...I'm so grateful that I have one myself!

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson