ABC's of Healthy Relationships: A

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Acceptance

Accepting another person just as they are is powerful in a relationship. This can be done internally through thoughts, and externally through words and actions. Acceptance of perceived shortcomings and circumstances of the relationship can help you and your partner move forward in peace towards the kind of healthy partnership you want.

Unfortunately, new partners have the erroneous belief that, given enough time and effort, they can change the other.  The truth is that there is nothing you can say or do to make anyone else change.  Are you hearing me?  Nothing.  The only person you can change is yourself...that's where your control lies. 

When you and your partner disagree, it is important to have strategies in place to allow you--together--to handle it in such a way that your relationship can grow stronger as a result.  Yes, that's right.  You and your partner can disagree...and the relationship can grow stronger as a result of how the two of you accomplish that disagreement.  How can that be?  The answer is acceptance. 

Acceptance is key to creating harmony for--and between--the two of you.  Acceptance means giving up the idea that there is only a "right way" and a "wrong way."  Acceptance refers to looking at your differences from the viewpoint that there can be two right ways of doing things--which means that the two of you now have more possible solutions to work with. 

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Accommodation

Accommodation means that we understand and love our partner for who they basically really are, and we make adjustments for that.  Our partner also returns the favor in kind.  We all have bad days, and sometimes that means that we accept that in our partner and allow them be emotional from time-to-time.  It can also mean that we make sense of the world differently than he/she does.  For example, some people like to talk about everything, while others like to get quiet for a while and make sense of the issues on their own. Regardless of your individual style, it means that we agree that “you do it differently than I do and that’s okay.  I love you just the same.”

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Affection

Affection is the outward expression of care.  Most often this demonstration is touching, kissing, gift giving, making love, doing favors such as preparing a favorite meal or creating artwork such as poetry or music.  Affection usually occurs because the one giving affection can't contain the love they feel for the other person.  That love compels them to act. 

Affection is a deep, long-standing commitment to understand what your significant other’s needs are and the willingness to consistently strive to meet those needs.  It is love in action, and is the daily motivation to build a strong and lasting relationship with another human being. 

Affection produces feelings of intimacy, security, significance, and respect in a relationship. What results is the tender feelings that are often called love.  It is a learned behavior and for many people, takes a considerable amount of effort to achieve. We are naturally born with the ability and desire to love, but affection takes work.

Be sure to give.  Expect to receive. Tell your significant other if you feel you need something more or something different.  It's that important.

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Affirmation

Affirmation comes in two modes:  self-affirmation and affirming your partner.  Acknowledging, appreciating and loving yourself as-is makes you not only an awesome, secure and stable person, but makes you a great catch.  Find ways every day to think about all of the great qualities, talents and abilities you possess and tell yourself what a great person you are.

Partners who affirm (or validate) each other know how to effectively use this kind of “Relationship Glue.”  Focus on your partner’s unique qualities that initially drew you to him/her, and what continues to amaze and intrigue you long after the bloom of new love fades.  Verbalize your love for your spouse every day.  A good way to do this is is to say to your partner, “Know what I love about you?”  then tell him/her what it is.

There are many other ways to affirm your partner as well. You already do it--with words, how you say something, the way you look at and touch him/her. We all affirm our partners, sometimes without realizing it.  Saying, "I love you" is a type of affirmation.  Unfortunately, as relationships develop and begin focusing on the day-to-day responsibilities that often become priority, we tend to stop offering affirmations since we assume that our partner knows how we feel about him/her.

This is a mistake.  If the "relationship glue" is not consistently replenished, your intimate bond will be in serious jeopardy of falling apart.  My suggestion?  Apply generously and liberally, and reapply on a regular basis.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: W-Z

Warmth

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Warmth is the result of feeling safe, secure, trusted, and having a mutually-felt sense of connection and attachment. Warmth is a by-product of what psychologist Carl Rogers refers to as unconditional positive regard, where one person appreciates and accepts another person as-is, no changes needed.  To maintain or improve the health of your relationship, learn to convey warmth every day.  Show how much you like and trust your partner.  Hug often.  Say thank you.  Hold hands.  Look your partner in the eye when speaking and listening.  Be playful.  Make up a special nickname that only you call your partner in private.  Laugh at his corny jokes.  Eat her burnt cookies and say how delicious they are...and share a good laugh.



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Wholeheartedness

David Whyte makes the profound statement that “the antidote to exhaustion is not rest, but wholeheartedness.”  Wholeheartedness is marked by unconditional commitment, unwavering devotion, and unreserved enthusiasm for yourself and others.  It means being open and truthful and requiring it from your partner.

In her research, Dr. Brené Brown studies people who embrace their vulnerability and imperfection, are connected to the relationships, stand on a foundation of daily gratitude, and are resilient and brave in the face of adversity and conflict. She refers to these people as being wholehearted.   They trust their intuition.  They appreciate and are not embarrassed by what makes them unique.  In short, they love themselves.  Let me repeat that:  They love themselves.  How can YOU become or improve the ways in which you are wholehearted?  Dr. Brown came up with this prescription:

• let ourselves be seen (including vulnerabilities and imperfections)
• love with our whole hearts (even though there's no guarantee)
• practice gratitude every day 
• believe that I am enough

Wind-Downs

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We are engulfed in extremely full schedules and lives, and time just seems to whiz by.  At the end of the day, it's time for bed, and you're feeling tense and can't stop your mind from running at full speed.  You toss and turn and worry that you'll be too tired to tackle tomorrow.

In healthy relationships, couples devote a block of time every day to wind down with each other.  You could make this part of your bedtime routine.  Once your jammies are on and teeth are brushed, the TV, computer, iPad, etc. are turned off, engage with each other.  Soothing and calm discussions, reading quietly in each other's presence or reading to each other, giving mutual foot or back rubs, journaling, meditating, listening to relaxing instrumental music...do whatever it takes to make you feel connected to your mate, and practice winding down together for restful, recuperative sleep.

Work

Both partners need to have something productive to do to feel good about themselves and as equal, contributing members of the team.  It makes no difference whether this work is paid or not, but it's extremely important that what is produced or accomplished is respected and valued.

Working on Yourself

Having a healthy, fulfilling relationship is the result of mostly self-improvement.  Push to get outside of your comfort zone.  Hone your relationship skills.  If you have emotional issues, get into counseling to heal them. Let go of your need to be in control of anyone other than yourself.  Remember that the past can only impact your present life if you allow it to.  Let go of your parents, and remind yourself that they are doing the best they can with what they have (they're not perfect, and neither are you). Knock down your wall of defenses and fears, and allow another person to know you completely.  Work on your capacity for giving and receiving unconditional love.

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Worthiness

Defined as having worth, merit or value, it is the ability to recognize and appreciate all of the valuable qualities you and your partner possess, and hopefully, share with each other.

Xtra Effort

As it clearly states in "Work" above, partnerships take time and energy to make and keep them healthy and mutually rewarding.  Sometimes, however, this work is hard...make that damn hard...and you might wonder how you'll ever keep it up.  That's when you need to make an extra effort to show your love, respect and appreciation for your partner.  That extra effort will invariably bring about extra rewards.

Xtravagant Affection

As C. S. Lewis so eloquent stated, "Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives."  No truer words were spoken.  In fact, studies have shown that affection has physical--as well as emotional--benefits.  According to Arizona State University human communication expert Dr. Kory Floyd, "Being affectionate is good for you. Affection can be a simple, non-pharmaceutical, cheap way to reduce stress." Floyd has found that there are direct associations between being an affectionate person and a lower risk of depression and stress.  "Highly affectionate people tend to have better mental health and less stress. They also react to stress better," he says.

It's said that kissing your partner goodbye when you leave for work and hello when you return home (holding for 15 seconds each) not only shows affection for your mate, but has a physiological impact on the body by promoting the production of oxytocin, which has been dubbed "the bonding hormone."  Full-contact, sustained hugs have the same effect.  Check in with your partner to come to an agreement about what kind of affection, and when and where feels right for you to be affectionate, and make a mutual effort to be extravagant with your affection for each other on a regular basis.

Yielding

Admitting when you are wrong, agree to disagree, happy to comply, accommodating.  See Picking Your Battles.

Young-at-Heart

No matter the age, life becomes a lot easier to handle when you are having fun.  Doing things you loved as a kid--building a snowman, having a snowfight, riding your bike, jacks, hopscotch, roller skating, etc.--is just the kick in the butt some relationships need to get back in balance and keep the sparks alive.  These activities are even more rewarding when they're done with kids (or grandkids) whose innocent, untainted view of the world is delightful.

Zero Tolerance

Zero...zip...zilch...nada...as it relates to dishonesty, disrespect, mistrust and/or interpersonal violence.  Address these matters with your partner immediately, communicating clearly that any of these behaviors directed toward you or anyone else will not be tolerated in any circumstance, and with the understanding that you will take action regarding the relationship should the behavior be repeated.  Then follow through if necessary.

Zest
Embrace the life you have today.  Yesterday is gone, and who knows what the future will bring.  Find people and things to be thankful for.  Write them down in a gratitude journal every day, and when you're feeling down or overwhelmed, read your list aloud.  Keep your mindset on a positive path; identify what you have and what you're doing today to move your life forward.  Individuals with a zest for life make phenomenal partners...I'm so grateful that I have one myself!

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson