Depression: The holidays and beyond...

Image:  seattlest.com

If the Hallmark holiday specials and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" are to be believed, the holiday season makes us feel connected, appreciated, loved, cherished, grateful, hopeful and happy, and reminds us of what's really important.  Getting together with family, donating one's time and money to those less fortunate, and exchanging gifts are ways to express this mindset.  For some folks, the spirit lasts long after the holiday decorations are taken down. 
 


Unfortunately, however, the holidays can have quite a different effect on many people.  It's a busy, stressful time, where expectations of the "perfect" holiday with a "perfect" family fall painfully short.  It's a milestone where people evaluate their lives: broken relationships, losing a job, inadequate financial resources, the death of a loved one, being reminded of one's failures and worrying about an uncertain future cause heartache, distress, anxiety and helplessness.  College students have the added stress of end-of-semester demands.  The decrease in daylight hours adds insult to injury.  It's no wonder people become depressed. 

Image:  Google images

 Although there is much focus on it in the media during the holiday season, depression affects many people year-round.  According to the World Health Organization, almost 19 million American adults have a depressive disorder.  That's nearly 10% of our population, and half of them are women.  Depression affects all people regardless of age, geographic location, demographic or social position.  In fact, would you be surprised to know that Adam Duritz (Counting Crows lead singer), Drew Carey, J. K. Rowling (author of the Harry Potter books), actor Owen Wilson ("Wedding Crashers"), Rosie O'Donnell, singer Sheryl Crow, and Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy bassist) all live with depression?  No one is immune.

So how do you know whether you're depressed?  Here are some typical symptoms to look for:






Image:  Google images


• persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood
• feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
• decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
• difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• restlessness, irritability
• persistent physical symptoms that don't respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive problems and chronic pain
• thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts






Image:  Google images



The key word here is persistent.  According to the DSM-IV-TR (the handbook by which mental health professionals define and diagnose psychological disorders), five or more of these symptoms would be present--every day or nearly every day--during the same two week period, and would represent a change from a person's usual behaviors. Depression is not a weakness or a character flaw...it is a real medical illness. The good news is that with proper treatment, most people will improve.




If you are experiencing several of the symptoms listed above, these are the actions I recommend to be taken:

Image:  Google images


• If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, call 911 immediately or get to the nearest emergency room, where your safety can be protected, and treatment can begin.
• Make an appointment to meet with your primary physician for a complete physical.  Sometimes the symptoms of depression are actually caused by a physiological reason.
• Make an appointment with a counselor (381-1365).  Having a non-judgmental person to talk to is very healthy, and you'll also learn it is extremely helpful in your quest to feel better.
• Remember that people rarely "snap out" of a depression.  Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately.  Feeling better takes time.
• Mild exercise, going to a movie, a sporting event, or participating in other social events may help.
• Let your family and friends help you.  Contrary to popular belief, asking for and accepting help is a sign of strength and health.

Depression is one of the most treatable mental disorders and has an extremely high success rate with the proper treatment.  If you or someone else is having difficulty around the holidays--or any time of the year, for that matter--seek help immediately.  You're worth it!

Image:  iStockphoto.com

QUESTION:

Have you ever dealt with depression?  How did you handle it?  What worked?  What didn't?

For more information on depression, go to http://www.nimh.nih.gov/ and http://www.pendulum.org/

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Assertive or Aggressive...which type are you?

Many people confuse being assertive with being aggressive.  For the record, these are two completely different behaviors--one promotes positive, healthy self-esteem and mutually satisfying relationships, while the other promotes conflict and difficult relationships and destroys one's sense of well-being.  Being assertive demonstrates confidence and maturity; aggressiveness indicates insecurity and behaving in immature ways. 

Aggressiveness is defined as: "1.  unprovoked attacks, invasions, menacing others; 2. making an all-out effort to win or succeed at any cost; highly competitive; 3. vigorously energetic, especially in the use of forcefulness; 4. forward and pushy" (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/aggressive).  Notice the unflattering and undesirable behaviors, like unprovoked attacks, menacing, forcefulness, pushy...all which suggest that an aggressive person will do anything to get the task done, regardless of who he/she hurts in the process.

Assertiveness, on the other hand, is defined as "behavior which enables an individual to act in his/her own best interests, to stand up for him/herself without undue anxiety, to express his/her honest feelings comfortably, or to exercise his/her own rights without denying the rights of others...Assertiveness is the expression of one's feelings, beliefs, opinions and needs in a direct, honest and appropriate manner.  Such assertive behavior will reflect a high regard for one's own personal rights as well as the rights of others" (http://www.jpmlifeinnovations.com/files/Assertive%20Behavior.pdf).  An assertive person not only respects his/her rights, but considers others' rights equally.  A person with an assertive philsophy will get along well in the world; the aggressive person, not so much.

So how does one become assertive or improve their assertive behaviors?  By learning the philosophy, your rights and how to communicate assertively.

  

Principles of an Assertive Philosophy:

• We try to live in such a way that we never intentionally hurt anyone.  When we honestly share ourselves in direct and appropriate ways, everyone benefits
• By denying our own feelings, we sacrifice our personal integrity and damage our relationships.  Likewise, our relationships are hurt when we try to control others through hostility, intimidation or guilt.
• Personal relationships are more authentic and mutually satisfying when we are honest with each other.  When we frequently sacrifice our rights, we teach other people to take advantage of us.
• By standing up for ourselves and letting ourselves be known to others, we gain self-respect and respect from others

Your Basic Assertive Rights...You have the right to:

• Be treated with respect
• Say no and not feel guilty
• Experience and express your feelings
• Take time to slow down and think before you act
• Change your mind
• Ask for what you want
• Do less than you are humanly capable of doing
• Ask for information
• Make mistakes
• Feel good about yourself

While exercising your assertive rights, keep these 3 points in mind:

• Having assertive rights does not give you permission to act any way you want with total disregard for other people.
• Accepting rights bring personal power, which brings responsibility to the assertive person.
• Our assertive rights do not negate or make less important another person’s rights in a situation.

Assertive Communication

• Standing up for your rights without infringing on the rights of others.
• Results in an “I win and you win” outcome.
• Involves expressing beliefs, feelings, and preferences in a way which is direct, honest, appropriate and shows a high degree of respect for yourself and others.

To communicate with others effectively, honestly and with assertiveness: 

§        Describe the behavior: “When you . ..  “

§        How it affects you:  “It affects . ..  “

§        Describe your feelings:  “and I feel . ..  “

§        Specifically describe what you want:  “Therefore, I would like .. .“

                       

Example:  “When you shout at me, I am unable to work with you and I feel angry.  Therefore, I would like for you to stop shouting and tell me what you want.”

Other examples of assertive communication:

“When you talk, I can’t hear the movie. Please keep it down.”

“I really like it when you wear that shirt.  You look great!”

“When you yell at me, I feel angry.  Please stop shouting and tell me what you want.”

“It sounds like fun, but I can’t join you this time because I need to study.”

These suggestions represent just the tip of the assertiveness iceberg...there's lots more to know about exercising assertive behavior in a mutually beneficial and mature manner.  If you learn to follow these basics, however, you will be well on your way to improving not only how you feel about yourself, and you will learn how to communicate to others how you expect to be treated.

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson
   

Soft Skills Hack: Learning Soft Skills on Campus

"Emotional competence is the single most important personal quality that each of us must develop and access to experience a breakthrough.  Only through managing our emotions can we access our intellect and our technical competence. An emotionally competent person performs better under pressure."  --Dave Lennick, Executive VP, American Express Financial Advisers


At the risk of stating the obvious, the primary goal of college students is to learn academic and technical skills to get a satisfying job that will provide adequate financial security--in other words, getting a job you love that pays well enough to be comfortable.  Going to classes, reading textbooks, taking exams, and creating concrete evidence that one understands a topic (such as giving a presentation, flying an airplane, manufacturing nanoscale products, painting a landscape, or creating a delicious meal) are the hoops we all need to jump through to get us to strengthen our core competencies (otherwise known as "hard skills" or "technical skills").  There are, however, another set of skills learned or improved in college that are equally (if not more) important than book-smarts or being technically competent.  They are called "soft skills" or "social skills."

Soft skills refers to a group of personal qualities, habits, attitudes and social graces that make someone a good employee and compatible to work with. Companies value soft skills because research suggests (and experience shows) that they can be just as important an indicator of job performance as hard skills.

When looking for a job, it's important to remember that each company looks for a different mix of hard skills and experience depending on the business it's in. Given the current dismal job market and customer-service philosophy, however, it's no longer enough to be a functional expert. As a result, employers scrutinize every applicant's qualifications; not only do they seek intellectually and technically adept employees, they are more likely to place greater emphasis on the applicant's people skills and how well they will "fit" within the company.  With the help of Kate Lorenz, here are the top ten soft skills employers value the most:

1. Strong Work Ethic
Motivated and dedicated to getting the job done, no matter what it takes. Conscientious and does the best work possible.  Reports to work every day and on time.  Admits when a mistake is made, and has the willingness to learn how to do it better next time.  Considers deadlines as non-negotiable and works diligently to complete tasks before the deadline.  Treats all members of the organization with respect, regardless of their position.

2. Positive Attitude
Optimistic and upbeat, generates positive energy and good will with supervisors, colleagues, customers, and vendors.

3. Good Communication Skills
Verbally articulate, writes well and is a good listener. Expresses needs in a way that builds bridges with colleagues, customers and vendors.

4. Time Management Abilities
Knows how to prioritize tasks and appropriately manages working on a number of different projects at once. Uses time on the job wisely.  Meets deadlines every time.

5. Problem-Solving Skills
Resourceful and able to creatively solve problems that will inevitably arise. Takes ownership of problems and doesn't blame or leave them for someone else.  Asks for help when needed.

6. Acting as a Team Player
Works well in groups and teams. Willingness to assist colleagues as needed.  Cooperative and takes a leadership role when appropriate.

7. Self-Confidence
Truly believes he/she can do the job well. Projects a sense of calm and inspires confidence in others. Has the courage to ask questions that need to be asked and freely contributes ideas.

8. Ability to Accept and Learn From Criticism
Handles criticism gracefully and in a mature manner.  Views this kind of feedback as a "teachable moment" rather than a personal attack.  Is coachable and open to learning and growing as a person and as a professional.

9. Flexibility/Adaptability
Able to adapt to new situations and challenges. Embraces change and is open to new ideas.

10. Works Well Under Pressure
Appropriately handles the stress that accompanies deadlines and crises. Able to do the best work and comes through in a pinch.

So how does a college student learn these important job and personal skills?  Read my next blog entry to gain some valuable tips to give you an edge over others who are competing for the job you want.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.