Assertive or Aggressive...which type are you?

Many people confuse being assertive with being aggressive.  For the record, these are two completely different behaviors--one promotes positive, healthy self-esteem and mutually satisfying relationships, while the other promotes conflict and difficult relationships and destroys one's sense of well-being.  Being assertive demonstrates confidence and maturity; aggressiveness indicates insecurity and behaving in immature ways. 

Aggressiveness is defined as: "1.  unprovoked attacks, invasions, menacing others; 2. making an all-out effort to win or succeed at any cost; highly competitive; 3. vigorously energetic, especially in the use of forcefulness; 4. forward and pushy" (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/aggressive).  Notice the unflattering and undesirable behaviors, like unprovoked attacks, menacing, forcefulness, pushy...all which suggest that an aggressive person will do anything to get the task done, regardless of who he/she hurts in the process.

Assertiveness, on the other hand, is defined as "behavior which enables an individual to act in his/her own best interests, to stand up for him/herself without undue anxiety, to express his/her honest feelings comfortably, or to exercise his/her own rights without denying the rights of others...Assertiveness is the expression of one's feelings, beliefs, opinions and needs in a direct, honest and appropriate manner.  Such assertive behavior will reflect a high regard for one's own personal rights as well as the rights of others" (http://www.jpmlifeinnovations.com/files/Assertive%20Behavior.pdf).  An assertive person not only respects his/her rights, but considers others' rights equally.  A person with an assertive philsophy will get along well in the world; the aggressive person, not so much.

So how does one become assertive or improve their assertive behaviors?  By learning the philosophy, your rights and how to communicate assertively.

  

Principles of an Assertive Philosophy:

• We try to live in such a way that we never intentionally hurt anyone.  When we honestly share ourselves in direct and appropriate ways, everyone benefits
• By denying our own feelings, we sacrifice our personal integrity and damage our relationships.  Likewise, our relationships are hurt when we try to control others through hostility, intimidation or guilt.
• Personal relationships are more authentic and mutually satisfying when we are honest with each other.  When we frequently sacrifice our rights, we teach other people to take advantage of us.
• By standing up for ourselves and letting ourselves be known to others, we gain self-respect and respect from others

Your Basic Assertive Rights...You have the right to:

• Be treated with respect
• Say no and not feel guilty
• Experience and express your feelings
• Take time to slow down and think before you act
• Change your mind
• Ask for what you want
• Do less than you are humanly capable of doing
• Ask for information
• Make mistakes
• Feel good about yourself

While exercising your assertive rights, keep these 3 points in mind:

• Having assertive rights does not give you permission to act any way you want with total disregard for other people.
• Accepting rights bring personal power, which brings responsibility to the assertive person.
• Our assertive rights do not negate or make less important another person’s rights in a situation.

Assertive Communication

• Standing up for your rights without infringing on the rights of others.
• Results in an “I win and you win” outcome.
• Involves expressing beliefs, feelings, and preferences in a way which is direct, honest, appropriate and shows a high degree of respect for yourself and others.

To communicate with others effectively, honestly and with assertiveness: 

§        Describe the behavior: “When you . ..  “

§        How it affects you:  “It affects . ..  “

§        Describe your feelings:  “and I feel . ..  “

§        Specifically describe what you want:  “Therefore, I would like .. .“

                       

Example:  “When you shout at me, I am unable to work with you and I feel angry.  Therefore, I would like for you to stop shouting and tell me what you want.”

Other examples of assertive communication:

“When you talk, I can’t hear the movie. Please keep it down.”

“I really like it when you wear that shirt.  You look great!”

“When you yell at me, I feel angry.  Please stop shouting and tell me what you want.”

“It sounds like fun, but I can’t join you this time because I need to study.”

These suggestions represent just the tip of the assertiveness iceberg...there's lots more to know about exercising assertive behavior in a mutually beneficial and mature manner.  If you learn to follow these basics, however, you will be well on your way to improving not only how you feel about yourself, and you will learn how to communicate to others how you expect to be treated.

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson