This can’t be said too many times. Healthy relationships use the basics of romance to thrive. Get out a candle and eat together without the kids. Dinner doesn’t have to take place in a five-star restaurant, and doesn’t have to be fancy—it can be meatloaf or spaghetti at the kitchen table—but the point of having candles is the soft light makes it easier to focus on the two of you, and is a visual reminder of just how handsome or beautiful your partner still is in your eyes.
For many, physical attractiveness is at the top of the list of requirements for a relationship. In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your partner--his or her physical attractiveness. Others feel that looks don't matter as much as one's personality and character. There is no right or wrong way of thinking when it comes to this category; this is totally a personal choice of what gets you jazzed about a potential partner.
There is a chemical response we experience when we're attracted to another. We excrete oxytocin, known as "the bonding hormone," that makes us feel warm, loving and wanting to be close to that person. Whether it's hormones or attraction, there's something that sparked your interest in each other. It's that je-ne-sais-quoi that drew you to your sweetie. It's possible that one of you is confident, well-spoken and well-liked, and that's what turned your partner on. Or you are uber-intelligent, but have awesome social skills so that others never feel dumb in your presence, and that's attractive, too. Regardless, chemistry needs to be there to get the relationship rolling, and keep that spark between you alive.
Clarity is when everyone involved understands what’s going on in the relationship. There are no assumptions, secrets, guesses, misunderstandings or frustration because you both actually know for certain what’s going on.
Dialogue is very important to achieving clarity. Make sure to practice listening skills and asking questions. Open ended questions are ones that don’t lead to a yes or no answer (who, what, when, where, why, how), and allow the other person to meaningfully explain their perspective. This is a style of communicating about relationship issues that doesn’t require confrontation; it’s just about people really listening to each other and feeling understood.
Committing to the relationship itself provides a secure container for you and your partner to grow within. This is often the foundation of the relationship itself and can be verbalized, written, or unspoken. Both parties must agree to the level of commitment they will share (friendship, monogamous romantic relationship, dating casually, etc.). Where the difficulty lies is in defining the difference between making a promise and a commitment.
A promise is defined as "a verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act." Examples: I promise to drop off that package to the post office and will not forget this time. I promise to be exclusive in our relationship.
A commitment is both a fact demonstrated by behavior, and an attitude consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
Examples: I am committed to keeping my promises. I am committed to our relationship.
In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. If a potential partner doesn't regularly keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are most certainly related, and reveals their personal integrity as well.
The desire to communicate typically comes pretty easy in the beginning of relationships--you might find yourself talking for hours over dinner or on the phone and it seems as though no time has gone by at all. The secret, however, is to keep communication consistent and strong as the relationship progresses and settles.
If something is changing or if something is on your mind or troubling you, talk to them face to face. Some couples report that holding hands during talks give the message that both of you are working together to meet the challenge being discussed. You have to get comfortable talking to each other because none of us are mind-readers.
Communication can take many forms, sometimes it's just a look or a touch. Talk with your partner about how you want to communicate with him/her, and give your sweetie the opportunity to share his/her preferences as well. There are a lot of resources out there to help us take an insightful look at how we communicate with our partners and how we expect them to communicate with us. Our individual interpretation of how we show love and how we expect to be shown love varies from person to person. Understanding this, and finding mutually satisfying ways to communicate, is priceless.
If you and your partner have been in the relationship for more than year, you've come to realize that there are differences between the two of you. Since you're human beings (and, like snowflakes, no two people are alike), there's no way around that. As a matter of fact, your relationship would be dull and uninteresting if you were mirror images. However, you can be different and still be compatible. You may have different preferences for food, entertainment, clothing, sense of humor, and so on. Healthy couples are compatible in the areas that matter to you both--especially core values and life goals.
A couple may argue from time to time, but people in a healthy relationship are able to find a middle ground where both sides are respected. If one person feels the need to constantly be right, then there is no compromise.
Compromise means giving up wants, but not needs. It's a give and take, taking turns, a blending of your hearts and minds. For instance, a couple can compromise on where they have dinner, but one must stand their ground and not allow a compromise of anything that would jeopardize one’s sense of self, dignity, physical or emotional well-being.
The Rules of Compromise: 1) Work together on a win-win solution; 2) Don’t go back on your word and follow through with what you've agreed upon; 3) Do it cheerfully; and 4) Expect nothing in return.
Congruence
Communication between people is expressed in many forms, mainly in thoughts, words and actions. When these three are aligned and one clearly explains and matches the other two, this is called congruence. Congruence is essential to build trust in any relationship.
For example, if your partner is proud that you are a college student and fully supports your efforts to reach your goal, then he/she will say so often because he/she sincerely thinks so. His/her actions will also reflect the thoughts and words by respecting and providing the quiet time and space to do your work, cheerfully understands the time you need away from the relationship to read, study, go to class, and will take on some of the responsibilities that usually fall on you (laundry or taking out the trash, for example) so you have adequate time to devote to your college responsibilities.
When there's incongruence in thoughts, words and actions, then openness needs to step in. Discuss with your partner about where the disconnect is and come to a solution that works for both of you.
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson
