From the Counselor's Desk: 2013

College Success: Read ahead.

In college, the best way to get ahead and stay ahead is to READ ahead.

There will come a time during the semester where you'll have something due from each class at the same time. To help you avoid the unnecessary stress and pulling all-nighters, get in the habit of reading your chapters at least one week ahead. Another bonus to this approach is that the lectures you'll sit through will make a whole lot more sense, and you won't feel the need to write down everything your professor says.

So put your nose in your books every day. You will thank me for this later. Promise.

(c)2011-16 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Wellness Wisdom: We're going tobacco-free on Sept. 1.

Beginning September 1, 2013, our campus will transition to being tobacco free. SUNY Chancellor Nancy Zimpher has sent this mandate to all 64 SUNY campuses to require compliance.

As you can well imagine, this presents many challenges to our students, faculty, staff and visitors who smoke, and to the campus community who must find a way to abide by the rules.

SCCC will make many efforts to support smokers in their quest to quit smoking, through educational programming, printed information and counseling to support the "white-knuckling" that goes hand-in-hand with recovering from an addiction.

We want to help. Come to Elston 222 and reach out.

College Success: Ten Things You Need to Do Before The First Day at College

1. Be sure your tuition has been paid
Even if you're receiving Financial Aid (grants, scholarships and/or loans), check on the status of your bill with the Student Business Office (381-1346). SCCC also has a payment plan available. Classes will be dropped for those students whose tuition bills are not paid by the deadline.

2. Submit proof of immunization

Stop into Elston 222 and speak with Betsy (381-1344) to turn in your immunization records and/or to see whether you've been cleared to attend classes. Classes will be dropped for those students whose immunization records are not submitted by the first day of the semester.

3. Student ID and parking permit
You can obtain them now until the end of the second week of classes. Print a copy of your class schedule, grab your car's registration, and bring them with you to the Activity Forum in Elston Hall. Get in the habit of carrying the ID with you at all times.

4. Textbooks
Sold in the College Store (Elston Hall, first floor), you can buy new or used, or rent textbooks. You'll need your student ID, class schedule, and a way to pay for them (cash, check, credit cards are accepted; some students may be eligible for bookstore credit through the Financial Aid office).

5. Transportation

If you have a car, be sure it is in good working order, hang your parking permit on the rear-view mirror, and park in student parking areas only.
If taking public transportation, be sure that you know when the bus runs and when it will arrive at campus (They can drop you at the front door!). You can use your student ID card to swipe and ride anywhere, any time while classes are in session, for FREE.
If you're relying on another person to give you a ride, arrange a back-up plan so if you're driver is ill or the car breaks down you can still get to campus.

5. Study space
Establish a quiet place with no distractions somewhere in your home where you feel comfortable. Set up a table or desk where you can easily spread out your books, use a computer/laptop, and do your work. If you need to study on-campus, there are a couple of quiet zones: Begley Library, second floor and the Learning Center, Elston 528.

6. Use a weekly planner and monthly calendar
To stay organized and on top of your college work and personal life, a planner and calendar will come in very handy. If you've never used this method to be organized, stop in at the Learning Center, and they will gladly show you how to set up the process. Take my word for it: busy college students NEED to have a solid plan to be organized.

7. Work schedule
There's a formula we use to explain to college students how to be academically successful: for every credit hour you're taking, you will have at least 2 hours of outside work (reading textbook, studying, researching for a paper, etc). For example, if you're registered for 15 credits, that equates to:

15 hours per week in the classroom + 30 hours of classwork outside the classroom =

45 hours of college work

That's a full-time job all by itself. Talk with your employer to arrange a schedule that will accommodate the number of hours you'll need to devote to college responsibilities. It is strongly recommended, also, that if you are registered as a full-time student you should not work a job for more than 20 hours per week. If you can't live on that and need to work full-time, seriously consider studying on a part-time basis. One of the main reasons students drop out or fail is that they try to work and study full-time...and there just aren't enough hours in the week to do that.

8. Schedule study time

As crazy as that sounds, you need to treat study hours like going to class or to your job: the days and times must be scheduled in your planner and on the calendar. Study time is not negotiable. You wouldn't blow off going to work if you had the opportunity to hang out with friends or going shopping, for example. You'd be fired in a heartbeat. The same goes with studying. The time you carve out in your schedule is only for studying. While you're at it, learn to say no to family and friends who unintentionally try to pull you away from hitting the books.

9. Child care

If you have little ones who need looking after while you're on campus, be sure you have reliable and flexible child care. SCCC has a policy that children are not allowed in educational spaces (classrooms, labs, Library, etc.) nor are they to be left unattended anywhere on campus. To prevent missing classes, have at least one child-care back-up (although two back-ups is better). Another primary reason students fail or drop-out is that their child-care arrangements didn't work out or fell through.

10. Make coming to college your No. 1 priority.
When you decide to put your education as your most important priority, you will undoubtedly be successful. Why? Because you'll learn to say no to things that might be fun to do at the moment, but will ultimately take your focus off of achieving your educational and career goals in the long-run. Because you'll MAKE time to study, stay on top of your reading assignments, turn in ALL of your work on time. Because you will be proud of yourself when you finish what you are starting here because you put the work into it, and will recognize that if you are not successful, it will be because you didn't.

All of us at SCCC have complete faith in your abilities, and want you to succeed. If you need help, ask. If you can help a fellow student who you know is struggling, reach out. If you know you can make our campus and surrounding community better places to be, get involved. If you see someone with an armful of books and is having difficulty opening a door, do the right thing and hold it open (or offer to carry some of them!).

You can do it.

Relationships: Put Down Your Dukes: 10 Rules for Having a Fair Argument

Okay, okay...break it up.

Unlike a boxing match, the goal of any disagreement should be to resolve the conflict rather than to win or "come out on top." Resolution comes more quickly and easily when each person feels like they've been heard, understood, and a mutually respectful solution is agreed upon by both parties and then implemented.

Da rulz.

So take off the gloves and follow these ten tips to improve the way you resolve differences with your partner or other person (referred to here on as OP).

Express your resentments and concerns as soon as you are aware of them. Do not attack the OP's character.
Argue only one point at a time.
No name calling, finger-pointing, raised voices or acting out in a threatening or violent way.

Hold hands
If arguing with your partner, hold hands and look at each other. With OP, face and look at him/her. (It will convey that you're paying attention.)
Let the other person speak without interruption.
Never ridicule or make light of the other person's feelings. Instead, respond as much as possible with "I feel..." or "I want..." statements of your own.
Reflect back what the other person says to you: "If I heard you right, you said that you're angry because..." If you misunderstood, ask for clarification, and reflect again until you get it right.

Couldn't explain it better.
Validate that person's feelings: "I can understand why you are angry about that."
Offer a mutually agreed-upon solution: "Could we try to do ______ differently by ______?" Discuss options and find one that works for both of you. Promise to follow-through. Then do it.
Admit when you are wrong and offer a sincere apology (operative word being sincere): "I'm sorry that this happened. I'll do better in the future, etc."
BONUS: Kiss and make up (unless it's your boss or OP, then shaking hands will do).

Love birds.

Wellness wisdom: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Image: Google

If you've ever flown on a commercial airplane, you've no doubt sat through the emergency shpiel given before take-off. My favorite part is the oxygen mask: In the event of an emergency, I am to put the mask on myself first so that I may help others around me.

This instruction is also true of daily living. Some of us are givers, and give-give-give until we have nothing left for ourselves and wonder why we're always tired, out-of-steam, anxious and not very happy.

The oxygen mask represents making self-care the primary priority. It's literally our life-line that must be attended to daily. Are you eating at least three times a day with healthy snacks between? Drinking 8 cups of water? Getting regular exercise? Waking up refreshed after a good night's sleep? Having FUN?

If we're not at our best, how can we expect to be of any use to others?

Do not, however, confuse this with being selfish (which I think is a horrible word, but that's another blog post). Taking care of ourselves is mandatory, because...when you think about it...you're all you've got.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then proceed to assist others. (Complimentary peanuts and soft drinks will be distributed momentarily.)

Career Love: 11 Reasons why I do what I do.

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own." (Benjamin Disraeli)

When I tell people what I do for a living, most are typically intrigued. They want to know what counseling is all about, do I have a couch in my office, wonder how on earth could I do this kind of work, and state vehemently that they couldn't ever work with "crazy people." Well, to satisfy those kind of curiosities, here's a list of some of the reasons I do what I do.

1) I have the career I dreamed and worked towards for about for 25 years. (It was worth the wait.)

2) I have never met a crazy person in my work. Never. Only people (like you and me) who don't know how to deal with the crazy circumstances life has a way of throwing at us.

3) If I won the PowerBall lottery, I would keep this job. Seriously. I would. I love it THAT much.

4) I LOVE working with college students.

5) I am in awe of the changes people can and do make which then empowers them to complete their academic, personal and career goals. Doesn't get better than that.

6) I hold up a mirror to show what I see in them. Bringing to someone's attention that they already have within them the traits, skills, abilities and strength to solve whatever is challenging them is a powerful moment in that person's experience. That kind of reminder from an impartial observer can literally change a person's life.

7) Supporting people while they pull themselves out of a difficult situation and have a better quality of life is worth more to me than any PowerBall lottery pay-out.

8) I LOVE writing this blog, and am delighted that so many people are visiting and hopefully learning something new.

9) I am passionate about being a lifelong learner to improve my skills, expand my experience base, and implement new modes in which to best deliver counseling services and wellness programs to everyone with whom I meet. [At this update, I'm earning my certification as a CEAP.]

10) I’m grateful that I get to do this kind of work. I'm fully aware that jobs like mine are hard to come by. I'm so lucky to have this job!

11) Of all of the careers I've had, I most enjoy coming to work every day as a therapist, and can't imagine doing anything else.

***May 2016 update:***
I've decided to retire from my dream job…not because I've stopped loving it, but because I want to take it in a different direction: I want to start a private practice and consulting business! I'm excited, sad, petrified, and eager for this Second Dream Job to begin.

QUESTION: Are you loving what you do for a living? If yes, how did you get to where you are? If not, what will it take for you to get there?

©2013-2016. Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

A league of your own

Tal Bachman

Let's get one thing straight. There is no such thing as being "out of someone's league."

If you believe in this imaginary hierarchy, then your own insecurities make you a not-so-great romantic prospect. Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing thought Baby was too good for him. Tal Bachman (above) sings about it.

No one wants to be around insecure people--except for other people who are equally or more insecure than you. Period.

Insecure people have insecure, unstable relationships. Taking a "let's wait and see" attitude will most likely lead to a missed opportunity to meet someone wonderful.

On the other hand, if you know you have some great qualities that a love-partner would appreciate, then pull up your Big Girl Panties or Big Boy Boxers and get crackin'.

If you’ve been crushing on someone lately, grow a backbone and strike up a conversation. For all you know, they consider you out of their league and are waiting for you to make the first move.

And if the worst thing that could happen is you being awkwardly friend-zoned or being shot down, I’d say it’s worth the risk. You gotta be in it to win it.

You are in league of your own. Find someone who wants to be in it with you.

Source: http://www.cm-life.com/2013/03/20/advice-column-stop-wishing-start-doing/

Graduation!

Midway through Spring semester is the time when I start to notice a special kind of energy on our campus. Crocuses and tulips poke their heads up from a long, cold slumber to welcome the nicer weather. Students socialize outside: talking, playing guitar, kicking around a hacky-sack. Heavy outer layers give way to lighter jackets and sweaters. Hard-working groundspeople sweep away the vestiges of winter, plant flower beds and mow the first grass of the season. Students buckle down and spend more time in the computer labs and with tutors. Every member of the campus community (in one way or another) is in high-gear, preparing for the end of the academic year and graduation.

Graduate celebrating her Disney Internship experience

The notable chicken wing hat

Every May, we celebrate the successes of our students who earn their certificate or degree by having our pomp and circumstance in Proctor's Theatre, an opulent, historic venue that has a rich and varied history which dates all the way back to Vaudeville days. Faculty don academic regalia. Family and friends fill the balcony and happy hoots and hollers for their loved ones sound like music. Students look regal in their black robes; some decorate their caps, while at least one Culinary Arts grad wears rubber food on his head and Fire Protection students lose the mortar board and proudly sport their protective helmets (complete with tassel) instead. A beautifully catered reception follows, and graduation parties are eagerly anticipated. It's a joyous occasion for everyone involved.

Firefighters mean business!

For many students, however, what accompanies this rite of passage are conflicting feelings of joy, relief, eager anticipation, fear, worry and sadness.

"I have my degree! GO me!" versus "I have my degree...now what?"

"Can't wait to start my new job next week!" versus "I don't have a job yet...what am I going to do?"

"I can't wait to transfer in the Fall!" versus "I love SCCC...I don't want to leave!" versus "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in the Fall."

Graduating students who struggle with the next chapter can turn it around by being proactive. Visits to the Opportunity Zone can assist with resume writing, interview skills and making important career connections. An appointment with our Transfer Counselor can provide guidance with making a solid plan to continue one's education. Talking about these conficting feelings with a Counselor can help sort out these concerns, and morph them into hope and eager anticipation of what's to come.

In other words, it's not too late.

To every one of our graduates: Warm and heartfelt congratulations on your remarkable accomplishments, given the many responsibilities you managed to juggle. Regardless of whether you have concrete plans for the next few months, you deserve to feel proud of the knowledge, skills, talents and abilities you've acquired and honed during the short time you were here. (Cue the applause!)

All of us at SCCC are proud of you, too. Damn proud.

Best wishes for the adventure that lies ahead.

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson. All Rights Reserved.

Good grief: What is it, for crying out loud?

Sounds like an oxymoron, eh? Anyone in the throes and agony of grief would call it anything but good.

But it is.

What is it?
According to the Mayo Clinic, grief is a natural reaction to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. People may associate grief with the death of a loved one (which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief) but any loss can cause grief, including:

Divorce or relationship breakup
Loss of health
Losing a job
Loss of financial stability
A miscarriage
Retirement

Death of a pet
Loss of a cherished dream
A loved one’s serious illness
Loss of a friendship
Loss of safety after a trauma
Selling the family home

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss.

The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. It takes as long as it takes. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years.

Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

carolecartercounseling.com

Myths and Facts About Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse later on. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to "man up" or be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. It takes as long as it takes.

Next: Why does it hurt so freakin' bad?

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

Good grief: Why does it hurt so freakin' bad?

Did you know that crying is the fastest method to release stress hormones?
Tears are composed mostly of water, salt and cortisol.

Why does it hurt so freakin' bad?
Grief can often overwhelm us with both psychological and physical symptoms at a time when we are in a weakened state to deal with them. We are bombarded with a constant stream of thoughts and emotions, and our bodies feel like crap. We worry that the pain, sadness and inner chaos will never end.

Grieving causes distress because it hurts so intensely and we are never quite prepared for the impact it produces. To ease your mind, what follows is a breakdown of the typical psychological and physical symptoms people in distress often experience.

Common psychological reactions to traumatic events

overwhelming sadness

disbelief, stress, discomfort

emotional numbing, confusion

nightmares and other sleep disturbances

anger, fear, moodiness, and irritability

disinterest in maintaining good hygiene

flashbacks

survivor guilt

hypervigilance ("radar" is always on), jumpiness, easily startled

loss of hope

social withdrawal

increased use of alcohol and drugs

desiring isolation from others

Typical physical symptoms

increase in cortisol (a stress hormone)

loss of appetite or desire to eat more than usual

insomnia or sleeping too much

feeling lethargic or exhausted most of the time

forgetfulness

confusion or feeling "foggy-headed"

amplified aches and pains

inability to concentrate

nausea

constipation or diarrhea

chest pressure

racing heart

shortness of breath

panic attacks

increased anxiety

Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.

However, if your distress causes debilitating pain or thoughts of suicide, call 911 and seek emergency help immediately.

Next: How do I get it to stop?

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

Good grief: How do I get it to stop?

How do I get it to stop?

Coping with grief and loss tip 1: Get support

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
Draw comfort from your faith – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you – such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
Talk to a counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

Coping with grief and loss tip 2: Take care of yourself

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
Do not neglect your body. The healthier you are physically, the better you will be able to cope emotionally. If you have existing health problems, see your doctor to monitor your condition. Make sure that stress does not cause problems. Eat properly and get enough rest and exercise.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
Learn some healthy relaxation techniques.
Take a break from your grief and do something you enjoy. Finding a moment of joy does not mean you are disloyal to the memory of your loved one.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

There is life after grief. If you allow yourself to grieve in the short term, you will feel better in the long run. You will feel happy again. Your life will go on.

Promise.

Sources: Nancy E. Crump, M.S., Certified Grief Counselor
Coping with Grief and Loss

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

Women Leaders: Are we too critical of each other?

Mayer and Sandberg

Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo, and Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg have gotten a helluva lot of press lately: Mayer made some tough decisions about axing the work-at-home option for 200 Yahoo employees. Sandburg is speaking out about how women stand in the way of their own successes.

For a more thorough explanation, check out this article by Mashable.com: http://mashable.com/2013/03/14/women-leaders-tech-criticism/?goback=%2Egde_4409416_member_223465958

Personally, I'm befuddled by this topic. There's nary a blink-of-an-eye when men climb over each other to get to the next rung on the ladder of success. Men wouldn't dream of talking about how to be a "brother-friend" and "lifting each other up." It's instead an "every man for himself" mentality that has a very long and well-established history in the business arena.

So why are we asking women in (or aspire to be in) executive positions to behave or react any differently than their male counterparts?

Regardless of the gender doing the speaking up, leaning in, or climbing over, there are benefits and consequences with which to deal as a result of being a leader. Young professionals to be mentored. Strategies to grow the company. Connections to be made. Opportunities to be provided.

Anyone who is passionate about moving his or her career forward must be uber-confident in their abilities, courage to speak their truth, have skin thick enough to endure the slings and arrows of critics, have rock-solid integrity to be guided by, and be absolutely fearless in the pursuit.

QUESTION: What's your stand on this topic?

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

From the Counselor's Desk

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