From the Counselor's Desk: October 2016

HELP! (My new advice column.)

In my work as a mental health counselor, I don't offer advice as to how to solve clients' problems. In this special kind of relationship, it's essential for the person to bring about change in themselves so their circumstances and environments can improve. It's empowering and necessary, and good clinical practice.

This does NOT mean that I don't have opinions regarding the challenges I hear about. I know what I would do if I was in that person's shoes. (Kick him to the curb! Knock that crap off! What're you...CRAY-CRAY??????) I just keep my comments to myself.

So to satisfy my interest in giving advice to people whom I don't see for counseling, I've created an advice column called HELP! Visitors can ask questions, and I'll be brutally honest with my responses. No holds-barred. Balls to the wall.

I invite questions on dealing with the challenges of life: Healthy relationships, time management, life skills, bullying, decision-making skills, and so on. Questions that are or could be construed as sexual, violent, hate-mongering or political will be deleted. Let's keep it PG-13, m'kay?

To give you a taste of what to expect, below is a question recently asked of me:

Q: How can I get over my fear of embarrassment?

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A: It might help you to know that even the most confident, popular, wealthy, and famous people get embarrassed, and many of them fear it just like you, yet they survive the temporary discomfort and move on. It’s human nature to not want to be laughed at or ridiculed, but look at it this way: anyone who is inappropriately critical or speaks unkindly or disrespectfully over who you are or what you’ve done or said is insecure and fearful themselves.

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Fear is a necessary, life-saving emotion. It provides the strength and speed to run away from a sabre-toothed tiger chasing us or to put up our dukes and fight off the enemy. However, it has no place in deciding how we behave or speak on the chance that someone equally as insecure and fearful will embarrass us.

My suggestion is to find a counselor who you like to work with to get at the root of your fear and insecurity, and build up your confidence. In the meantime, take pride in what you do well, your character and integrity, that you have people in your life who love and care about you, and that you’re a good person. Focus on the good, and all the times things went well and you didn’t get embarrassed. Make note of strategies you've used in the past that kept embarrassment at arm's-length.

We all flub up at one time or another. No one is immune. Join us, won't you?

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HELP! I'm being bullied and don't know why. What do I do?

Ever hear of the saying, “Misery loves company?” Bullies are essentially insecure and fearful deep down, and the only way they know how to temporarily forget how much pain they’re in is to focus on and inflict intentional hurt onto someone else who’s done nothing to instigate or cause the behavior. They displace their pain in an attempt to have control over something when they feel they have control over nothing.

Knowing this about bullies might make it less scary to deal with one. Bullies target people with kind hearts, who are well-liked, and are successful…all the things they are not.

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If it would be safe to do so, let your bully know that you have had enough of their shenanigans, and you will not allow them to mistreat you for one more moment. (Make sure you have someone with you to witness this; preferably a person who could protect you or go for help if necessary.). Bullies prefer to prey on the passive and peacekeepers…stand your ground and don’t allow the bully to intimidate, threaten or scare you.

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If you can’t or don’t want to confront this person, document every interaction and include where, when, the names of witnesses, the content of your interactions, the outcome, and how you felt during and afterwards. Keep these notes in a safe place (preferably on the cloud) and document everything that makes you feel scared, threatened, or uncomfortable. Should you decide to sue for damages, these detailed notes will be of great help to show a prolonged pattern of intentional behavior to hurt and humiliate you.

HELP! Do breakups have to suck?

No. Breakups don’t ever have to suck. Not like you think.

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Surprised at my response?

If the two people involved are mature and self-confident enough to realize that their relationship has run its course and it’s time to go their separate ways, they can calmly and respectfully make that decision together, and wish each other well.

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No drama. No screaming. No stalking. No blowing up the other person’s Facebook page with hateful words. No disrespectful behaviors are exchanged. (These are red-flags for insecure, immature individuals. These people are to be avoided until they find their missing confidence.)

Don't misunderstand. It's incredibly sad when you’ve imagined having a life with this person, and realize that it's no longer an option. It’s absolutely appropriate to grieve the dreams and hopes you had. Figure out the lessons you learned from that relationship and make a mental note to use that wisdom in positive ways next time. Eventually the sadness will lift and you will learn to move forward without this person. You'll once again love your life and will be ready when the next love-of-your-life crosses your path.

If you're a breakup survivor and need some guidance, read The Breakup Recovery Plan.

Life Skills Hack: Gandhi's Guide for Changing the World

1. Change yourself.

When you change how you think, then you will change how you feel and will in turn affect the actions you take. So the world around you will change as well, not only because you are now viewing your environment through new lenses of thoughts and emotions, but because the change within can allow you to take action in ways you wouldn’t have – or maybe even have thought about – while stuck in your old thought patterns.

2. You are in control.

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You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don’t have to freak out, overreact or even react in a negative way. As you come to realize that no one outside of yourself actually controls how you feel, you can begin to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. This new habit can grow stronger and stronger over time. A huge benefit is this will make your life a whole lot easier and much more pleasurable.

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3. Forgive and let it go.
Forgiveness does not equal condoning. Forgiveness benefits you, and not the person whom you are forgiving. Forgiveness allows you to release old hurts and disappointments so that you can move forward with a new, more positive way of viewing your life. When you forgive, you have taken control over your feelings and choose to release yourself from the bonds of what has been holding you back.

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4. Take action to live the life you want.

Resistance to taking action comes from you imagining negative future consequences, or reflecting on past failures. To truly accept your worth and purpose in your life, Gandhi stated that you must practice this belief in your thoughts, feelings and actions daily. When you are grateful for the life you live, you must practice that gratitude faithfully. You must practice the skill of being the best version of you. The result for "walking the walk" is a fuller understanding of your place in the world and what you can do to make a positive impact.

5. Take care of this moment.

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The only thing we can be absolutely certain of is what's happening in this moment. And this moment. And this one. Gandhi encourages staying in the present as much as possible and to be accepting. The past is gone, and the future is an uncontrollable entity. What you're doing right now is all that matters. Enjoy where you are. Appreciate and accept what is.

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6. Everyone is human.

When we idolize others, such as celebrities, political leaders and sports figures, we run the risk of becoming setting them apart from our experiences and abilities. You think you could never achieve that status because they're special and different from you. The truth is, everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time. We are all human, fallible and capable of making mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, we must stop beating ourselves up over mistakes we've made and instead see with clarity where we went wrong, what we can learn from those mistakes, and try, try again. And again.

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7. Persist.

One of the reasons people don’t get what they want is simply because they give up too soon. The time they think an achievement will require isn’t realistic or they just don't understand what it takes to see something through.

Never give up. Find what you really like to do, and you’ll find the inner motivation to keep going, going and going. Gandhi was so successful with his method of non-violence was because he and his followers were so persistent. They just didn’t give up.

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8. See the good in people and help them.

We can choose to focus on what's good in people, while maintaining awareness of their ability to make poor choices. When you see the good in people it becomes easier to be motivated to be of service to them. By being of service and recognizing their value, the rewards are multiple: a) you feel good knowing you've eased another person's burden; b) the person you helped feels more connected to the community; and c) the people you help may feel more inclined to pay it forward. And so you, together, create an upward spiral of positive change that grows and becomes stronger.

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9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self.

When your thoughts, words and actions are aligned, you feel powerful and good about yourself. When words and thoughts match, that shows through in your communication. With these channels in alignment people tend to really listen to what you’re saying. You are communicating with sincerity, self-respect and a desire to truly connect with others.

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10. Continue to grow and evolve.

Humans are works in progress. The world provides us with experiences that challenge our beliefs and values. Ask yourself whether what you believed as a child is still your stance today. Is your best friend the same one you had when you were in middle school? People change, and so do their preferences and beliefs. This is GOOD. We're supposed to evolve and become the best version of ourselves. If you need convincing, see Rule #1 above.

Source: The Positivity Blog