HELP! How do I know whether to agree to a second date?

First dates can be nerve-wracking.  Both people are nervous to some degree and the goal is to make a good first impression.  But how do you know whether to agree to a second date?  

Some good reasons include:

·         You had a good time

·         Your date made you laugh because you thought he/she was funny

·         Once the initial jitters went away, you felt comfortable and the conversation was pretty easy

·         Your date asked you lots of good, appropriate questions about yourself

·         At the end of your date, he/she expressed an interest in getting together again

That said, first dates can tank.  Best-laid plans fail, the weather turns lousy, one of you is late, and nerves get the best of you.  These are not necessarily deal-breakers, in my opinion.  Some things are just out of one’s control.  If your first date was a disaster or didn’t quite go as you’d hoped, consider:

·         Whether he/she made an effort to salvage the date (which demonstrates creativity, flexibility and resilience)

·         Whether your date found the humor in the situation and didn’t get upset (which demonstrates emotional maturity and tolerance for the unexpected)

·         Whether he/she expressed an interest in getting together again for a do-over

·         That you had good reasons for choosing to get to know this person better.  A crummy first date doesn’t change that.

A woman told me that a man she had met online was 45 minutes late for their first date.  To his credit, he called to let her know his dog had escaped and it took some time to capture it.  When the call ended, she was angry.  So angry, in fact, that she seriously considered abandoning their date at a nearby park and not seeing him again.  Her expectations of a “perfect” date were ruined, and she thought it was a “sign” that things couldn’t possibly go well.  

But she had really looked forward to meeting this guy in person because of their many online and phone discussions.  She decided to stick it out and make the best of it.  She grabbed a blanket from her trunk, spread it out under a shady tree, and used that time to relax and enjoy the beautiful weather while she waited.  He went above and beyond to make it up to her and they had a wonderful first date. 

If she hadn’t been willing to abandon her first-date expectations and give this guy the benefit of the doubt, she would have missed an awesome opportunity.  Long story short, they’re celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary this year.

So...when should you NOT go on a second date?  If that person exhibits or you learn that he/she possesses any of the dealbreakers on your list.  

No need to move forward.  



Next!







(c) 2017 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! Can a relationship be salvaged after a breakup?

My first reaction is...why would you want it to?

To be fair, it’s not completely impossible for a couple to get back together after breaking up.  The success of the reconciliation, however, hinges on a number of things:

Remember this:  your relationship will never be the same.  It shouldn’t be the same.  What you once had was broken…that’s why you broke up.

Understand that what you want to work on is not a pick-up-where-you-left-off version of the former relationship.  This is a new relationship altogether, so it’s imperative to go back to square-one and begin to get to know each other all over again.  You and your partner have changed not only since you first met, but since the breakup as well, and it will be helpful to know how those changes will impact the new relationship.

Do not live together during this process.  This is not the time for making your lives convenient by sharing the bills.  Keep your own homes and focus only on building something stronger and better than you had before.  A bonus is that if you both decide that the new relationship won’t work, the separation is a bit less difficult because no one has to move out.

If you’re not already in counseling, you must each find your own therapist and make the commitment to self-improvement.  You will identify how you contributed to the previous relationship’s demise.  Each of you will benefit from learning more about who you are and what you want, how to better communicate, how to feel good about yourself, and how to be a loving and supportive partner. 

Make an appointment for couples counseling.  Learn and practice improved communication techniques and how to deal with conflict in mutually-productive, non-violent and respectful ways.

Separately, list concrete examples of how you’ll know when the new relationship is working well (“Spends more quality time with me,” “No screaming or physical altercations,” “I feel trusted because my partner isn’t checking my social media accounts/looking through my purse or wallet,” “Discusses things in a calm and respectful way,” etc.)

Together, discuss and write down the reasons for the breakup (address behaviors only and do not shame your partner).  

Using this list, create a “relationship contract:” Establish ground-rules for how each person expects to be treated, and repair plans for when a rule is violated (example: a verbal, face-to-face apology is given).  Make sure to include ways each of you can help the other feel cared for, respected, and how to make the relationship a priority in both of your lives (date night once a week/month, etc.). 

Set a three-month “contract renewal” date.  You’ll need at least this long to practice your new skills and behaviors.  Evaluate what’s working well and which parts of the contract need revising.  Three-month “check-ins” are a great tool to help keep the relationship moving in a positive direction. 

(c) 2017 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.