Relationships: Put Down Your Dukes: 10 Rules for Having a Fair Argument

Okay, okay...break it up.

Unlike a boxing match, the goal of any disagreement should be to resolve the conflict rather than to win or "come out on top." Resolution comes more quickly and easily when each person feels like they've been heard, understood, and a mutually respectful solution is agreed upon by both parties and then implemented.

Da rulz.

So take off the gloves and follow these ten tips to improve the way you resolve differences with your partner or other person (referred to here on as OP).

1. Express your resentments and concerns as soon as you are aware of them.  Do not attack the OP's character.
2. Argue only one point at a time.
3. No name calling, finger-pointing, raised voices or acting out in a threatening or violent way.

   

   Hold hands

4. If arguing with your partner, hold hands and look at each other.  With OP, face and look at him/her.  (It will convey that you're paying attention.)
5. Let the other person speak without interruption. 
6. Never ridicule or make light of the other person's feelings. Instead, respond as much as possible with "I feel..." or "I want..." statements of your own. 
7. Reflect back what the other person says to you:  "If I heard you right, you said that you're angry because..."  If you misunderstood, ask for clarification, and reflect again until you get it right.

   

   Couldn't explain it better.
8. Validate that person's feelings:  "I can understand why you are angry about that."
9. Offer a mutually agreed-upon solution:  "Could we try to do ______ differently by ______?" Discuss options and find one that works for both of you.  Promise to follow-through.  Then do it.
10. Admit when you are wrong and offer a sincere apology (operative word being sincere):  "I'm sorry that this happened.  I'll do better in the future, etc." 
11. BONUS:  Kiss and make up (unless it's your boss or OP, then shaking hands will do).

    

    Love birds.

(c)2013-16 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Soft Skills Hack: Improving Your Communication Skills

In my line of work, having well-developed communication skills is a requirement.  Counselors are trained to be active listeners, reiterate what we hear the other person has said, and to respond without giving advice or bringing our opinions or feelings into it.

The result is open, mutually-respectful communication where both people feel heard and understood, and a positive rapport develops between us.  It's human nature that we all want to be heard and understood.

Unfortunately, I estimate that about 95% of the difficulties students come to me with are directly related to poor or inadequate communication.  No joke. 

The tough part is that most (if not all) people think they're great communicators, but that high percentage I just quoted blows that mindset out of the water.

There are three relatively simple steps to improve how we communicate with others.

Listen actively.  This means that you are listening only to what the other person is saying.  You're not up in your head, thinking of the next thing to say (you can't listen and think at the same time--trust me on this one).  You're paying attention to the words and the feelings that are wrapped around them.  Look directly at them, and show your interest in what they're saying.

Summarize.  You simply restate what the person has said.  A good way of doing this is, "If I heard you correctly, you said ___________."  This shows the other person that you really did hear what he/she said, gives them the opportunity to either correct you or fill in anything that you might have missed.  (If he/she is going on for a bit, stop them politely by saying, "Hold on...I want to make sure I'm hearing everything you've said so far.  Am I correct that you said ________?" Then ask them to continue.)

Respond only to what the other person has said, without giving advice or sharing your feelings or opinions.  This is where it gets a little difficult.  We're so accustomed to solving problems, telling others what we think is right, and how we feel about things.  But when we do this, we are actually breaking down that communication with the other person.

This video (courtesy of http://www.rhemaresourcecentre.com/) does a very good job at further explaining these techniques (Note:  the video content actually ends at 2 minutes and 30 seconds.)

Here's a conversation between good friends done in two ways (see if you can choose the better way of communication):

VERSION ONE
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  Yeah, she's a b&*%$.  My brother took my PS3 and spilled soda on it and now it's a piece of crap.  He's always pulling crap like that.  I hate him.  My parents are always up my butt, too.  I need to move out and get my own place.
Lucy:  Are you listening to me?
Charlie:  Uh, yeah, right.  What were we talking about?
Lucy:  How much I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  Right.  I think you should go in her room, trash it, take one of her shirts and slice it up, then leave it on her bed.  That'll teach her not to mess with your stuff.
Lucy:  You're a whack job, Charlie Brown.  Later. 

VERSION TWO
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  I can tell you're really mad at her for not asking your permission and then ruining your shirt.
Lucy:  Yeah, I'm mad!  It was my favorite shirt.  I hate that she does stuff like that.
Charlie:  I can relate.  No one likes to be disrespected.
Lucy:  You hit it on the head.  She disrespects me all the time and I don't know what to do.
Charlie:  What do you think you could do to let her know how you feel?
Lucy:  I need to talk to her...and maybe change the lock on my room.
Charlie:  Talking to her?  Changing the lock?  I think those are good ideas.
Lucy:  Thanks, Charlie.

As corny as these examples may seem, you can see the huge difference in how they ended.  Lucy felt heard and understood, and appreciated Charlie's support in the second version.  He validated her feelings, and instead of giving her advice or his opinion, he let her come up with a solution that would work for HER.  Their friendship is a little bit stronger as a result.


You, too, can improve your communication skills by trying these techniques.  As a result, you will notice that you'll have fewer disagreements and arguments, and your relationships with be stronger and healthier.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.