Wellness wisdom: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Image: Google

If you've ever flown on a commercial airplane, you've no doubt sat through the emergency shpiel given before take-off.  My favorite part is the oxygen mask:  In the event of an emergency, I am to put the mask on myself first so that I may help others around me.

This instruction is also true of daily living.  Some of us are givers, and give-give-give until we have nothing left for ourselves and wonder why we're always tired, out-of-steam, anxious and not very happy.

The oxygen mask represents making self-care the primary priority.  It's literally our life-line that must be attended to daily.  Are you eating at least three times a day with healthy snacks between?  Drinking 8 cups of water?  Getting regular exercise?  Waking up refreshed after a good night's sleep?  Having FUN?  

If we're not at our best, how can we expect to be of any use to others?

Do not, however, confuse this with being selfish (which I think is a horrible word, but that's another blog post).  Taking care of ourselves is mandatory, because...when you think about it...you're all you've got.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then proceed to assist others.  (Complimentary peanuts and soft drinks will be distributed momentarily.)

(c)2013 Robyn M. King.  All Rights Reserved.

Good grief: How do I get it to stop?

How do I get it to stop?


Coping with grief and loss tip 1: Get support

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

• Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
  
• Draw comfort from your faith – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you – such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
  
• Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
  
• Talk to a counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

Coping with grief and loss tip 2: Take care of yourself



When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

• Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
  
• Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
  
• Do not neglect your body. The healthier you are physically, the better you will be able to cope emotionally. If you have existing health problems, see your doctor to monitor your condition. Make sure that stress does not cause problems. Eat properly and get enough rest and exercise.
• Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
• Learn some healthy relaxation techniques.
• Take a break from your grief and do something you enjoy. Finding a moment of joy does not mean you are disloyal to the memory of your loved one.
  
• Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

There is life after grief.   If you allow yourself to grieve in the short term, you will feel better in the long run.   You will feel happy again. Your life will go on.

Promise.


Sources:   Nancy E. Crump, M.S., Certified Grief Counselor
Coping with Grief and Loss 

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

No. (A complete sentence.)

Such a small word that has so much attached to it.  Many people hate to say it, and most of us don't like hearing it.
It's difficult to turn someone down for a date, an invitation to a party, or an offer to study with a classmate.  A buddy asks to borrow your very expensive road bike.  Your BFF needs money to buy cigarettes.  

We worry about hurting the other person's feelings.  But agreeing to do something that is not good or holds no interest for you is damaging in two ways:  1) you give in because you feel guilty, or 2) you give in because the other person knows just what to say to manipulate you.  Neither is a good reason to say yes when you really want to say no.

Draw the line, then stick to it.

Saying no is an exercise in self-care, self-respect, and self-preservation. It's also an expression that one is setting boundaries with others...drawing a line in the sand, so to speak.  Boundaries are healthy and good for you and for the other people in your life.

Make a plan to be thoughtful and mindful when you are asked for something or to do a task for another person.  Stop and think, "Do I really want to do this?  Do I have the time?  Will I feel better or worse if I say yes?"  Then make the decision that's best for YOU. 

Peter Bregman wrote a blog entry about this and has these nine tips to help you say no.

• Know your no. Identify what's important to you and acknowledge what's not. If you don't know where you want to spend your time, you won't know where you don't want to spend your time. Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no. All the other steps follow this one.
• Be appreciative. It's almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They're asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation. Don't worry; this doesn't need to lead to a yes.
• Say no to the request, not the person. You're not rejecting the person, just declining his invitation. So make that clear. Let him know what you respect about him — maybe you admire the work he's doing, or recognize his passion or generosity. Maybe you would love to meet for lunch. Don't fake this — even if you don't like the person making the request, simply being polite and kind will communicate that you aren't rejecting him.
• Explain why. The particulars of your reason for saying no make very little difference. But having a reason does. Maybe you're too busy. Maybe you don't feel like what they're asking you to do plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you're saying no.
• Be as resolute as they are pushy. Some people don't give up easily. That's their prerogative. But without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. They'll respect you for it. You can make light of it if you want ("I know you don't give up easily — but neither do I. I'm getting better at saying no.")
• Practice. Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Say no when someone tries to sell you something on the street. Go into a room by yourself, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your no muscle helps.
• Establish a pre-emptive no. We all have certain people in our lives who tend to make repeated, sometimes burdensome requests of us. In those cases, it's better to say no before the request even comes in. Let that person know that you're hyper-focused on a couple of things in your life and trying to reduce your obligations in all other areas. If it's your boss who tends to make the requests, agree upfront with her about where you should be spending your time. Then, when the requests come in, you can refer to your earlier conversation.
• Be prepared to miss out. Some of us have a hard time saying no because we hate to miss an opportunity. And saying no always leads to a missed opportunity. But it's not just a missed opportunity; it's a tradeoff. Remind yourself that when you're saying no to the request, you are simultaneously saying yes to something you value more than the request. Both are opportunities. You're just choosing one over the other.
• Gather your courage. If you're someone who is used to saying yes, it will take courage to say no, especially if the person asking doesn't give up easily. You may feel like a bad friend. You might feel like you're letting someone down or not living up to expectations. Maybe you'll imagine that you'll be seen or talked about in a negative light. Those things might be the cost of reclaiming your life. You'll need courage to put up with them.

One more time...it bears repeating...

"No"  is a complete sentence.
Source:  http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/02/nine-practices-to-help-you-say.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=linkedin&goback=%2Egde_4409416_member_215944128

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson.  All Rights Reserved.