Life Skills Hack: Gandhi's Guide for Changing the World

 1. Change yourself.

When you change how you think, then you will change how you feel and will in turn affect the actions you take. So the world around you will change as well, not only because you are now viewing your environment through new lenses of thoughts and emotions, but because the change within can allow you to take action in ways you wouldn’t have – or maybe even have thought about – while stuck in your old thought patterns. 

2. You are in control.

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You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don’t have to freak out, overreact or even react in a negative way.  As you come to realize that no one outside of yourself actually controls how you feel, you can begin to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. This new habit can grow stronger and stronger over time.  A huge benefit is this will make your life a whole lot easier and much more pleasurable.

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3. Forgive and let it go. 
Forgiveness does not equal condoning.  Forgiveness benefits you, and not the person whom you are forgiving.  Forgiveness allows you to release old hurts and disappointments so that you can move forward with a new, more positive way of viewing your life.  When you forgive, you have taken control over your feelings and choose to release yourself from the bonds of what has been holding you back.

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4. Take action to live the life you want.

Resistance to taking action comes from you imagining negative future consequences, or reflecting on past failures. To truly accept your worth and purpose in your life, Gandhi stated that you must practice this belief in your thoughts, feelings and actions daily. When you are grateful for the life you live, you must practice that gratitude faithfully.  You must practice the skill of being the best version of you. The result for "walking the walk" is a fuller understanding of your place in the world and what you can do to make a positive impact.

5. Take care of this moment.

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The only thing we can be absolutely certain of is what's happening in this moment.  And this moment.  And this one.  Gandhi encourages staying in the present as much as possible and to be accepting. The past is gone, and the future is an uncontrollable entity.  What you're doing right now is all that matters. Enjoy where you are.  Appreciate and accept what is.

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6. Everyone is human.

When we idolize others, such as celebrities, political leaders and sports figures, we run the risk of becoming setting them apart from our experiences and abilities. You think you could never achieve that status because they're special and different from you. The truth is, everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time.  We are all human, fallible and capable of making mistakes.  Speaking of mistakes, we must stop beating ourselves up over mistakes we've made and instead see with clarity where we went wrong, what we can learn from those mistakes, and try, try again. And again.

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7. Persist.

One of the reasons people don’t get what they want is simply because they give up too soon. The time they think an achievement will require isn’t realistic or they just don't understand what it takes to see something through. 

Never give up.  Find what you really like to do, and you’ll find the inner motivation to keep going, going and going. Gandhi was so successful with his method of non-violence was because he and his followers were so persistent. They just didn’t give up.

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8. See the good in people and help them.

We can choose to focus on what's good in people, while maintaining awareness of their ability to make poor choices. When you see the good in people it becomes easier to be motivated to be of service to them. By being of service and recognizing their value, the rewards are multiple:  a) you feel good knowing you've eased another person's burden; b) the person you helped feels more connected to the community; and c) the people you help may feel more inclined to pay it forward. And so you, together, create an upward spiral of positive change that grows and becomes stronger.

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9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self.

When your thoughts, words and actions are aligned, you feel powerful and good about yourself.  When words and thoughts match, that shows through in your communication.  With these channels in alignment people tend to really listen to what you’re saying. You are communicating with sincerity, self-respect and a desire to truly connect with others.

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10. Continue to grow and evolve.

Humans are works in progress.  The world provides us with experiences that challenge our beliefs and values. Ask yourself whether what you believed as a child is still your stance today.  Is your best friend the same one you had when you were in middle school?  People change, and so do their preferences and beliefs.  This is GOOD.  We're supposed to evolve and become the best version of ourselves.  If you need convincing, see Rule #1 above.

  

Source:  The Positivity Blog

Images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Life Skills Hack: How to best help a friend in pain

 

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When a friend or loved one is upset and hurting, it's likely that your immediate reaction is to offer comfort. You may want to help through your actions or your words, but most people worry: What if I do or say the wrong thing?

No matter what situation is causing your friend to hurt, life coach Iyanla Vanzant believes that there is one universal approach you can take to help ease their pain.  Just being with your friend is therapeutic and helpful.

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"Your presence is enough," Iyanla says.  You don't have to say anything or wrack your brain to find a solution.  Sitting quietly next to or near your friend can help more than you realize."

Iyanla has seen the power of this principle work firsthand in her experience as a spiritual advisor and the host of "Iyanla: Fix My Life."  That, she adds, is when an additional move towards healing can take place.

"In the stillness and the silence of your presence, pray," Iyanla suggests.

This prayer doesn't have to a religious or even spiritual in nature; rather, it's about putting forth good vibes and positive energy, and recognizing that your friend is strong and resilient.

If you're concerned that allowing yourself to be fully present might invite negativity into your own space, don't be, Iyanla says. The exact opposite happens.

"Just because your friend is hurting doesn't mean you have to get down in the pain with them. In fact, in your presence, you can pull the energy up and pull them out of the pain," Iyanla explains. "Just remember: Your presence is enough."


Source:  Huffington Post
(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Soft Skill Hack: What's the Magic Word?

One of my favorite pasttimes is people-watching.  I like sitting in the Commons or at the mall and just watch how people behave when they are alone and how they interact and treat others.  I find behavior fascinating, and I learn something new about human nature every day.  Most of the time my faith in the kindness in people is strengthened; other times, not so much.

In a previous blog entry, I talked about how important soft skills are to the success of your job search and career as a whole.  Under the category of "Good Communication" is basic manners.  You know, saying please and thank you, holding a door open for someone coming in behind you, speaking in calm and quiet voice, refraining from texting or taking a phone call when someone is speaking, offering to help someone who dropped their books or is carrying a heavy load.  (Basic stuff.)

It takes no more effort to use manners when dealing with other people than it does to be impolite, and the outcome of those kinds of interaction are always positive.  Yet I've witnessed countless students walk by someone who's having trouble opening a door, letting a door slam in someone's face, barking orders to other students, and screaming at or threatening a college employee when something doesn't go in the student's favor.  It's sad.  Very sad.  And it makes me furious.  (Crazy stuff.)


However, when I see acts of kindness and good manners being used, I have hope.  The majority of our college community uses good manners in their everyday dealings with others.  Campus life is much improved when we treat (and are treated by) everyone we encounter with kindness and respect.  An added bonus is these skills will come in very handy when snagging a dream job, keeping it, and moving up the ladder of success. (Good stuff.) 

Doesn't it feel good when someone shows you respect and you don't feel personally attacked or embarrassed?  It does for me, and I'd wager you'd agree.  So, if it feels good to you, imagine how great you could make someone else feel today by offering kindness and respect.  In a nutshell, if we all followed the "do unto others" philosophy, our world would be in a much better place.  (Great stuff.)

...for visiting my blog.  It's greatly appreciated.









Question:  Have you witnessed interactions where good manners were used?  Any examples of people who treat others with disrespect?   


All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Learning Soft Skills on Campus

"Emotional competence is the single most important personal quality that each of us must develop and access to experience a breakthrough.  Only through managing our emotions can we access our intellect and our technical competence. An emotionally competent person performs better under pressure."  --Dave Lennick, Executive VP, American Express Financial Advisers


At the risk of stating the obvious, the primary goal of college students is to learn academic and technical skills to get a satisfying job that will provide adequate financial security--in other words, getting a job you love that pays well enough to be comfortable.  Going to classes, reading textbooks, taking exams, and creating concrete evidence that one understands a topic (such as giving a presentation, flying an airplane, manufacturing nanoscale products, painting a landscape, or creating a delicious meal) are the hoops we all need to jump through to get us to strengthen our core competencies (otherwise known as "hard skills" or "technical skills").  There are, however, another set of skills learned or improved in college that are equally (if not more) important than book-smarts or being technically competent.  They are called "soft skills" or "social skills."

Soft skills refers to a group of personal qualities, habits, attitudes and social graces that make someone a good employee and compatible to work with. Companies value soft skills because research suggests (and experience shows) that they can be just as important an indicator of job performance as hard skills.

When looking for a job, it's important to remember that each company looks for a different mix of hard skills and experience depending on the business it's in. Given the current dismal job market and customer-service philosophy, however, it's no longer enough to be a functional expert. As a result, employers scrutinize every applicant's qualifications; not only do they seek intellectually and technically adept employees, they are more likely to place greater emphasis on the applicant's people skills and how well they will "fit" within the company.  With the help of Kate Lorenz, here are the top ten soft skills employers value the most:

1. Strong Work Ethic
Motivated and dedicated to getting the job done, no matter what it takes. Conscientious and does the best work possible.  Reports to work every day and on time.  Admits when a mistake is made, and has the willingness to learn how to do it better next time.  Considers deadlines as non-negotiable and works diligently to complete tasks before the deadline.  Treats all members of the organization with respect, regardless of their position.

2. Positive Attitude
Optimistic and upbeat, generates positive energy and good will with supervisors, colleagues, customers, and vendors.

3. Good Communication Skills
Verbally articulate, writes well and is a good listener. Expresses needs in a way that builds bridges with colleagues, customers and vendors.

4. Time Management Abilities
Knows how to prioritize tasks and appropriately manages working on a number of different projects at once. Uses time on the job wisely.  Meets deadlines every time.

5. Problem-Solving Skills
Resourceful and able to creatively solve problems that will inevitably arise. Takes ownership of problems and doesn't blame or leave them for someone else.  Asks for help when needed.

6. Acting as a Team Player
Works well in groups and teams. Willingness to assist colleagues as needed.  Cooperative and takes a leadership role when appropriate.

7. Self-Confidence
Truly believes he/she can do the job well. Projects a sense of calm and inspires confidence in others. Has the courage to ask questions that need to be asked and freely contributes ideas.

8. Ability to Accept and Learn From Criticism
Handles criticism gracefully and in a mature manner.  Views this kind of feedback as a "teachable moment" rather than a personal attack.  Is coachable and open to learning and growing as a person and as a professional.

9. Flexibility/Adaptability
Able to adapt to new situations and challenges. Embraces change and is open to new ideas.

10. Works Well Under Pressure
Appropriately handles the stress that accompanies deadlines and crises. Able to do the best work and comes through in a pinch.

So how does a college student learn these important job and personal skills?  Read my next blog entry to gain some valuable tips to give you an edge over others who are competing for the job you want.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Soft Skills Hack: Top Ten Tips for Developing Soft Skills

No doubt your goal is to complete your college degree and get a job that you will enjoy.  As mentioned in my last blog entry, these days you need to be more than technically skilled to make it in the workforce.  Here are more detailed, practical ways for building and strengthening soft skills to better position yourself for career success.

1.  Strong work ethic

• Get to class a few minutes early, prepared with all of the tools you need, and ready to hit the ground running when the professor starts to lecture.     
• Show respect and courtesy for every classmate and college employee.  You're more likely to get it when you give it.
• Say "please," "thank you," and "you're welcome" every time.  People naturally respond more positively to politeness. 
• If you are treated with disrespect in any way, seek the help of the appropriate campus employee to help resolve the conflict peacefully.  Do not take matters into your own hands.   
• If you're having difficulty dealing with challenges in your classes or personal life, ask a professor or college counselor for help.
• Abide by the conditions of each class syllabus--reading assignments, deadlines for papers/presentations, attendance and participation, etc.  The syllabus is a contract between you and the professor, and if you choose to stay in the class after receiving it, then you're agreeing to the terms required and are expected to follow them.  All of them.
• Respect deadlines and get all of your assignments done on (or better yet, before) the day they're due.  If you manage your time properly (see #4 below), then any last-minute crisis that may pop up in your personal life won't be made worse by having to beg your professor for an extension. 
• If you make a mistake, take ownership of it, apologize with sincerity, and ask for help so you can do better next time.

2.  Positive attitude

• Focus on what you're doing well, and be proud of those things.  Believe that you will continue to learn, improve and grow.  Realize the good things that are happening to you now, and have faith that more are on the way. 
• Keep your eye on graduation, but stay focused in the present and be grateful for the opportunity you have been given.  Not everyone can or does go to college.  You're one of the lucky ones.
• A cheerful disposition is far better received than someone who always complains and wears a scowl all the time.
• Treat everyone with the respect and courtesy you expect in return.  ("Do unto others...")

3.  Good communication skills

• Communication facilitates mutual understanding between people and builds strong, long-lasting connections and a firm foundation for relationships.  It involves being skilled in writing, speaking, listening, and reading.  In the workforce, you need to do all four very well.
• Refine, hone and improve your writing skills by keeping a journal, writing for the campus newspaper or writing a blog.  Ask for constructive feedback from professors or other college staff whose writing skills you respect.
• Strengthen your speaking skills by taking Introduction to Speech.  You will learn the proper way to speak in a way where you are precise, concise and convey the information you wish to share.  A bonus:  Employers LOVE when an applicant says they are comfortable speaking to groups of people.
• Listen more than you speak.  (Weren't you given two ears but only one mouth?)  You will be amazed at how much you will learn by keeping your mouth shut.
• If you disagree with an opinion, explain why without attacking the other person.
• It is rude and disrespectful to interrupt, ignore, text or talk when someone else is speaking.  Pay close attention to what's going on in class--the information will probably show up on an exam.

4.  Time management abilities

• Learn how to effectively use either a planner, time management software or an app.  If you've never managed your time in this way, it's time to start now.  Ask one of the Learning Center professionals to help you organize and document your academic and personal responsibilities.  Learning to rely on your planner will be awkward at first, but over time it will become second-nature.  And you'll slap yourself in the head and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
• Plan to arrive a few minutes early for every place you need to be:  class, club meetings, labs, appointments with a professor or advisor, etc.  Estimate how long it takes you to drive to campus, walk between classes, etc., and make notes in your planner to remind you when to leave the house, how much time you have between classes, etc.  Doing so will gain you an enormous amount of respect from professors and others, because arriving early will show that you value their time as much as you do your own.
• Procrastination is a terrible habit to have.  Even if it's "worked" in the past because you still get good grades, submitting projects last-minute (or worse, late) because of improper planning will not ever work in any career.  Remember how miserable, anxious and frustrated you were the last time you procrastinated.  Wouldn't it be better to be so organized that what you need to accomplish gets done before the deadline?  Think of the huge relief and sense of accomplishment you would feel.  Your professors (and eventually, your employer) will be impressed.

5.  Problem-solving skills

• Approach any problem with a clear head and take your personal feelings out of it.  Ask for help in brainstorming with a professor, college professional or classmates for solution options. 
• If you cause a problem, take responsibility for your contribution to it.  Blaming the problem on something or someone other than yourself makes you appear immature and irresponsible.  Take ownership of what you did wrong, then find and follow-through with constructive ways to solve the problem with maturity and integrity. 
• Asking for help when any problem arises (big or small) is a personal strength...NOT a weakness.  There are a lot of free services on campus to help get you to your goal.

6.  Acting as a team player

• Seek opportunities on campus to work on projects with other students.  For example, clubs, student government, volunteer organizations and theatre productions would love to have you join them.  Many hands make light work.
• When a professor has your class do small-group activities, instead of groaning about corny or stupid they are, use them as opportunities to practice working with others collaboratively.  Practice your listening and speaking skills.  
• Volunteer for leadership roles when you can, but it's equally as important to work as one of the team.

7.  Self-confidence

• No one will believe that you are smart, capable, talented and skilled unless you believe it yourself first.  Make a list of your accomplishments, abilities, talents and skills.  Remind yourself every day what a wonderful and unique person you are until it becomes second-nature.  Note: this is not an exercise in arrogance or being conceited...don't confuse being sure of yourself with being stuck on yourself.
• When an appropriate opportunity arises, share what you know about something you're passionate about, or share your ideas on a specific topic.  Show your confidence by raising your hand in class.  Research shows that students learn as much about the topic they're studying from their classmates as they do from the professor.
• Be confident enough to ask questions when you don't know something.  Raise your hand in class every time you don't understand.  This will show that you are confident enough to admit when you don't know something, are willing to learn, and aren't afraid to seek out the correct answer.

8.  Ability to accept and learn from criticism

• The word "criticism" has gotten a bad rap.  If you can view it instead as feedback or suggestions for improvement, then you're less likely to get defensive the next time you receive criticism.
• For example, whenever a professor hands back work you've submitted, the grade you earned and notes written in the margins are forms of constructive criticism...the key word being constructive, which literally means "promoting improvement or development."  They are not meant to attack your intelligence, character or ability.  Use this feedback to help you construct techniques and skills to perform better the next time.
• Be open to suggestions from others, and listen to what they have to say without judgment.  There's a saying that we only learn when we make mistakes, so identify what the lesson is, and make any necessary changes.
• Consider joining professional organizations related to your career and the local Chamber of Commerce.  On campus, there's a group called Rotoract, whose purpose is to match students with local professionals who belong to the Rotary.  They provide mentoring and advice, and often will provide constructive criticism.  There is much to be learned from others who've walked that path before you, and they can perhaps convince you to avoid some of the mistakes they made.  These groups also provide many professional development workshops--often for free--and are yet another way to connect with people like you while learning how to become a respectable and respected professional. 

9. Flexibility/Adaptability

• There's only two things that are certain in this life--death and taxes.  Everything else is subject to change.  Get used to this mindset.
• The graphic to the left shows the qualities an organization looks for in their employees because they are the qualities that the organization itself values.  How does this apply to college?  Find out what your professor values in a student (the syllabus will tell you) or what a coach values in a team member.  Then DO IT.
• When making an appointment with your professor, advisor or other campus employee, remember that their schedules are just as full as yours, so some flexibility is required.  Can you meet them during College Hour?  Come to campus an hour early? Stay a half-hour after your last class?  A little give and take goes a very long way.
• Imagine this:  You realize that some of your classes next semester will meet at Center City.  You've never been there before and aren't too happy that you have to make the commute from the main campus.  You think it sucks, you get all bent out of shape, and want to complain to college authorities of what a stupid idea it is to hold classes downtown in the first place.  Adapting quickly to new circumstances is valued by every employer.  So when you're faced with something new, or are forced to make a huge change, how will you adapt?  Instead of getting all worked up, calculate the time you'll need to get to classes at Center City early.  Go inside the new building and get familiar with it ahead of time.  Or change your class schedule so you'll take all your classes in the same location.

10.  Works well under pressure

• At the risk of sounding like a broken record, meeting deadlines is mandatory and non-negotiable.  Deadlines need to be met EVERY TIME.  Practice this skill by submitting all of your assigned work before they are due.
• When you're stressed over deadlines and crises that seem to show up when you have the least time to deal with them, two things are happening.  One, you haven't managed your time properly; and two, circumstances outside your control have thrown a wrench into what you need to do.  When you find yourself in this situation, remain calm. Then, prioritize what has to be accomplished.  What do you need to handle first, second, third...?  Then do them in order.  Ask for help and delegate tasks to someone else you trust.  Do whatever it takes to get the job done ON TIME (working in the Library until it closes, working with a classmate to complete a project on the weekend, etc.).  Whatever it takes.

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These tips are merely suggestions on how to build your soft skills. Use what works for you, and feel free to come up with your own techniques.  Changing the way you think and behave will be a challenge, but don't give up.  Practice a new skill every day on campus and in your personal life.  And when making these changes start to make you crazy, remember this...once you graduate, armed not only with a college degree and perhaps some related job experience, your well-developed soft skills could give you a significant advantage over anyone who's competing for the job you want. 


You need an edge.  Get the edge.



QUESTION:  Which of these skills do you think you do well already, and which ones do you need to work on?  



(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson
  

Soft Skills Hack: Taking Personal Responsibility

Did you ever stop to think that everything you are or ever will be is completely up to you? That you are where you are because of who you are?  Truth is, everything that exists in your adult life exists because of you, your behavior, words, decisions and actions.  For example, you are a college student because you made the decision to pursue a degree, filled out the application, ordered your transcripts, registered for classes, and choose to go to those classes.  Nobody made this happen but you.

We all have freedom of choice, and because you have chosen each and every circumstance of your adult life, you are completely responsible for all of your successes and failures, your happiness and unhappiness, your present and future.  A really important lesson adults can learn is that no one else can make you succeed or fail, or feel happy or unhappy, empty or fulfilled.

The acceptance of personal responsibility is what separates the adult from the child. Children have neither the ability nor the freedom to make such high-level decisions.  But as adults, it’s the great leap forward into maturity. Responsibility is the hallmark of the fully-integrated, fully-functioning human being.  Which. Is. Good.

Responsibility goes hand-in-hand with success, achievement, motivation, happiness and self-actualization (reaching your greatest potential). It’s the absolute minimum requirement for accomplishing everything you could ever really want in life. Accepting that you’re completely responsible for yourself and realizing that no one is coming to the rescue is the beginning of peak performance.

The opposite of accepting responsibility is making excuses and blaming people, things and circumstances for what’s going on in your life. When people get into the habit of making excuses, they get into the habit of side-stepping responsibility at the same time.

Irresponsible people have a catch-all excuse they use whenever challenged with a difficult task or one that requires more self-discipline and persistence than they had thought.  As soon as things start to go poorly, they pull out their excuse and let themselves off the hook. And there they stay...with a goal that is left unfulfilled, and stuck in the belief that they are incapable of doing anything different or better.
When you take personal responsibility, you will:

* Acknowledge that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life.
* Accept that you are responsible for what you choose to feel or think and how you behave.

* Accept that you choose the direction for your life.

* Accept that you cannot blame others for the choices you have made.

* Hold the rational belief that you are responsible for determining who you are, and how your choices affect your life.

* Accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

* Admit when you make a mistake and have the desire to do better next time.

* Own up when you achieve something wonderful, without saying, "Oh, it was nothing" or "Anyone could do what I did."

* Realize that you determine your feelings about any events or actions addressed to you, no matter how negative they seem.

* Recognize that you are your best cheerleader; it is not reasonable or healthy to define yourself based on what other people think of you.

* Recognize that as you enter adulthood and maturity, you determine how your self-esteem will develop.

* Not feel sorry for the "bum deal" you have been handed but taking hold of your life and give it direction and meaning.

* Let go of your sense of over-responsibility for others.

* Protect and nurture your health and emotional well being.

* Structure your life with time management, stress management, confront fears and burnout prevention.

* Take an honest inventory of your strengths, abilities, talents, virtues and positive points.

* Develop positive, self-affirming, self-talk scripts to enhance your personal development and growth.

* Let go of blame and anger toward those in your past who did the best they could, given the limitations of their knowledge, background and awareness.

* Work out and let go of the anger, hostility, pessimism and depression over past hurts, pains, abuse, mistreatment and misdirection...then move forward with a new, healthier perspective.


Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14698-accepting-personal-responsibility/#ixzz1ZLrQnYKD


(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.



Soft Skills Hack: Improving Your Communication Skills

In my line of work, having well-developed communication skills is a requirement.  Counselors are trained to be active listeners, reiterate what we hear the other person has said, and to respond without giving advice or bringing our opinions or feelings into it.

The result is open, mutually-respectful communication where both people feel heard and understood, and a positive rapport develops between us.  It's human nature that we all want to be heard and understood.

Unfortunately, I estimate that about 95% of the difficulties students come to me with are directly related to poor or inadequate communication.  No joke. 

The tough part is that most (if not all) people think they're great communicators, but that high percentage I just quoted blows that mindset out of the water.

There are three relatively simple steps to improve how we communicate with others.

Listen actively.  This means that you are listening only to what the other person is saying.  You're not up in your head, thinking of the next thing to say (you can't listen and think at the same time--trust me on this one).  You're paying attention to the words and the feelings that are wrapped around them.  Look directly at them, and show your interest in what they're saying.

Summarize.  You simply restate what the person has said.  A good way of doing this is, "If I heard you correctly, you said ___________."  This shows the other person that you really did hear what he/she said, gives them the opportunity to either correct you or fill in anything that you might have missed.  (If he/she is going on for a bit, stop them politely by saying, "Hold on...I want to make sure I'm hearing everything you've said so far.  Am I correct that you said ________?" Then ask them to continue.)

Respond only to what the other person has said, without giving advice or sharing your feelings or opinions.  This is where it gets a little difficult.  We're so accustomed to solving problems, telling others what we think is right, and how we feel about things.  But when we do this, we are actually breaking down that communication with the other person.

This video (courtesy of http://www.rhemaresourcecentre.com/) does a very good job at further explaining these techniques (Note:  the video content actually ends at 2 minutes and 30 seconds.)

Here's a conversation between good friends done in two ways (see if you can choose the better way of communication):

VERSION ONE
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  Yeah, she's a b&*%$.  My brother took my PS3 and spilled soda on it and now it's a piece of crap.  He's always pulling crap like that.  I hate him.  My parents are always up my butt, too.  I need to move out and get my own place.
Lucy:  Are you listening to me?
Charlie:  Uh, yeah, right.  What were we talking about?
Lucy:  How much I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  Right.  I think you should go in her room, trash it, take one of her shirts and slice it up, then leave it on her bed.  That'll teach her not to mess with your stuff.
Lucy:  You're a whack job, Charlie Brown.  Later. 

VERSION TWO
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  I can tell you're really mad at her for not asking your permission and then ruining your shirt.
Lucy:  Yeah, I'm mad!  It was my favorite shirt.  I hate that she does stuff like that.
Charlie:  I can relate.  No one likes to be disrespected.
Lucy:  You hit it on the head.  She disrespects me all the time and I don't know what to do.
Charlie:  What do you think you could do to let her know how you feel?
Lucy:  I need to talk to her...and maybe change the lock on my room.
Charlie:  Talking to her?  Changing the lock?  I think those are good ideas.
Lucy:  Thanks, Charlie.

As corny as these examples may seem, you can see the huge difference in how they ended.  Lucy felt heard and understood, and appreciated Charlie's support in the second version.  He validated her feelings, and instead of giving her advice or his opinion, he let her come up with a solution that would work for HER.  Their friendship is a little bit stronger as a result.


You, too, can improve your communication skills by trying these techniques.  As a result, you will notice that you'll have fewer disagreements and arguments, and your relationships with be stronger and healthier.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.