In my counseling practice, the most common statement that students make is "My life would be perfect if <insert other person's name> would change <insert annoying, abusive or otherwise inappropriate behavior>."
They come to me exhausted, frustrated and downright angry because everything they've done to force the other to make changes has failed, and yet harbor guilt because they care for and love that person and don't want to give up on the relationship. They're out of ideas, and basically want me to provide an instruction manual on how to get that other person to change. If it was only that easy.
These students are not evil, manipulative people. Really, they're not. In fact, they have the best of intentions to bring more happiness into their lives. (We all want that, right?) They are, however, needlessly carrying the burdens of others because they are misled and misinformed about the boundaries of relationships and limitations of personal responsibility. Fortunately, those things can be learned. That said, here's what I (and Jenn Gibson) know to be the truth about this matter:
1. Other people can't be changed or saved.
Period. End of discussion. They have to want to change and save themselves. They have to feel the pain, struggle and cry until there are no more tears. They only decide when they're ready to change, and figure out themselves what works best for them. If they don't want to change or believe there's nothing to change, that's their prerogative and responsibility.
Personally, I now know for certain that I cannot save a single soul. However, that doesn't mean I haven't tried, such as when I was a brand new counselor, naively thinking I could save the world; with a former co-worker who was abused at home; with a friend who continues to have money troubles; with my dying father. Nothing I did helped to change the outcome. Absolutely nothing. (Talk about feeling like an exhausted failure.) With the correct information, a change in my M.O. and lots of practice, however, I came to understand that my efforts to help were unnecessary and counterproductive for me and the other person.
So how do people change? The process goes something like this:
- Things have to completely fall apart (what I call "hitting one's personal bottom of the barrel")
- Coping strategies used in the past no longer work
- They come to the realization that change is necessary
- They seek help from an objective third-party (a counselor, for example) to learn more effective and empowering coping skills
- Changes are made, and the person has an improved sense of pride, self-sufficiency and self-satisfaction.
2. We are only responsible for ourselves.
I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, needs, actions, words, happiness, beliefs, ideals, decisions, dreams, hopes, fears, failures, victories. They are mine and only mine. And you are in charge of yours and yours alone.
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You must not take on burdens for another person. You can’t fill the void in them. You can’t protect them from the things that scare the bejeezus out of them. When you step in and take over, you're doing them a great disservice--you're removing the opportunity for that person to experience real growth and a chance to come to terms with those things that cause them the greatest pain. As a consquence, they don't learn how to handle that pain in ways that are meaningful and helpful for them so they can move forward.
When I reflect upon my most difficult, hopeless, darkest, sobbing-on-my-hands-and-knees-and-praying-to-God-for-the-pain-to-end periods, that's when I grew the most, when I discovered how strong I really was, and got crystal clear about who I am and what I need. No one could help me do it, speed it along, or do it for me. Nope, that s**t was mine to deal with. I had to muster up the courage to take that journey toward change and health. And the victory in learning how to get through the pain and move forward with my life was a result of my efforts to change. I learned how to take care of myself. Which leads me to...
3. Caring for yourself first and getting your needs met must be your top priority.
You are Number One. The Big Enchilada. The Grand Poobah. You deserve to take good care of you and get everything you need. When you instead put another before you, at the end of the day you’ll be exhausted, have zero energy, frustrated and eventually resentful of the other person...not to mention upset with yourself for doing so damn much with no improvement or change to show for it.
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This is the hardest concept to really get our minds around, I think. When someone you love is hurting, you want it to stop. And you want to stop it. Now.
Think about it this way: if you've ever flown in an airplane, the flight attendants remind us that if the cabin pressure drops, and the oxygen mask falls down, we are to put it on ourselves first. We can't help others if we're gasping for air. This is an obvious exercise in self-care.
Instead, you can show your care and concern by taking a step back and let your loved one take those first scary steps toward change on their own. Put your own oxygen mask on. Let others decide when it's time for air; they really do know what they need.
4. The only person in the whole world who can make you happy is you.
It's a slippery slope to be on when you rely on another to provide you with joy, affirmation, contentment and self-fulfillment...which, when you think about it, are not really yours at all. It also places an unfair burden on the other person who consequently feels responsible for your happiness...when they should really be focusing only on their own.
Instead, manifest your own happiness by recognizing and valuing all of your wonderful, unique qualities and abilities, and in the things that light you up...and own them as all yours.
5. A broken heart can only be healed from the inside.
A question I'm often asked by people who are grieving is, "How long will it take until I feel better?" and I reply, "As long as it takes." There is no recipe or timeline for grief. People need to fully experience their feelings in their own time, which can often be distressful to others looking on. What you can do as a supportive outsider is be a sounding board, offer a compassionate ear, refrain from giving advice, love them, celebrate each baby-step toward victory, and remind them that in time it will get easier and better (because it always get easier and better).
6. Setting up appropriate boundaries between you and others is healthy for you and them.
Ever hear the saying, "Good fences make good neighbors?" Knowing when to draw the line in the sand to protect you from taking on others' problems is the best gift you can give yourself. In doing so, others are forced to learn the important life coping skills that everyone needs to survive. And that's the best gift you can give them.
So...what's my "heavy lifting" lesson?
I am accountable to and for myself only. (Say it with me, people!)
As mentioned earlier, it's taken me many years to really embrace this, and it's still a challenge to live it every day. Laying down that heavy load of taking on responsibility for others' well-being and caring for myself first is a huge relief. When I'm successful, it feels good. Really good. Damn good. Stepping back gives me breathing room to focus on myself and demonstrates that I trust the person is capable of figuring things out in a way that's best for them.
When I'm okay, my relationships are okay, too. And like the L'oreal commercials say, I'm worth it. So are you.
Source: http://www.rootsofshe.com/heavy-lifting-lessons/
All images courtesy of Google Images.
(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson
