Such a small word that has so much attached to it. Many people hate to say it, and most of us don't like hearing it.
It's difficult to turn someone down for a date, an invitation to a party, or an offer to study with a classmate. A buddy asks to borrow your very expensive road bike. Your BFF needs money to buy cigarettes.
We worry about hurting the other person's feelings. But agreeing to do something that is not good or holds no interest for you is damaging in two ways: 1) you give in because you feel guilty, or 2) you give in because the other person knows just what to say to manipulate you. Neither is a good reason to say yes when you really want to say no.
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| Draw the line, then stick to it. |
Saying no is an exercise in self-care, self-respect, and self-preservation. It's also an expression that one is setting boundaries with others...drawing a line in the sand, so to speak. Boundaries are healthy and good for you and for the other people in your life.
Make a plan to be thoughtful and mindful when you are asked for something or to do a task for another person. Stop and think, "Do I really want to do this? Do I have the time? Will I feel better or worse if I say yes?" Then make the decision that's best for YOU.
Peter Bregman wrote a blog entry about this and has these nine tips to help you say no.
- Know your no. Identify what's important to you and acknowledge what's not. If you don't know where you want to spend your time, you won't know where you don't want to spend your time. Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no. All the other steps follow this one.
- Be appreciative. It's almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They're asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation. Don't worry; this doesn't need to lead to a yes.
- Say no to the request, not the person. You're not rejecting the person, just declining his invitation. So make that clear. Let him know what you respect about him — maybe you admire the work he's doing, or recognize his passion or generosity. Maybe you would love to meet for lunch. Don't fake this — even if you don't like the person making the request, simply being polite and kind will communicate that you aren't rejecting him.
- Explain why. The particulars of your reason for saying no make very little difference. But having a reason does. Maybe you're too busy. Maybe you don't feel like what they're asking you to do plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you're saying no.
- Be as resolute as they are pushy. Some people don't give up easily. That's their prerogative. But without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. They'll respect you for it. You can make light of it if you want ("I know you don't give up easily — but neither do I. I'm getting better at saying no.")
- Practice. Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Say no when someone tries to sell you something on the street. Go into a room by yourself, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your no muscle helps.
- Establish a pre-emptive no. We all have certain people in our lives who tend to make repeated, sometimes burdensome requests of us. In those cases, it's better to say no before the request even comes in. Let that person know that you're hyper-focused on a couple of things in your life and trying to reduce your obligations in all other areas. If it's your boss who tends to make the requests, agree upfront with her about where you should be spending your time. Then, when the requests come in, you can refer to your earlier conversation.
- Be prepared to miss out. Some of us have a hard time saying no because we hate to miss an opportunity. And saying no always leads to a missed opportunity. But it's not just a missed opportunity; it's a tradeoff. Remind yourself that when you're saying no to the request, you are simultaneously saying yes to something you value more than the request. Both are opportunities. You're just choosing one over the other.
- Gather your courage. If you're someone who is used to saying yes, it will take courage to say no, especially if the person asking doesn't give up easily. You may feel like a bad friend. You might feel like you're letting someone down or not living up to expectations. Maybe you'll imagine that you'll be seen or talked about in a negative light. Those things might be the cost of reclaiming your life. You'll need courage to put up with them.
One more time...it bears repeating...
"No" is a complete sentence.
Source:
http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/02/nine-practices-to-help-you-say.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=linkedin&goback=%2Egde_4409416_member_215944128
(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson. All Rights Reserved.
Today is Ash Wednesday. It marks the beginning of Lent, a 40-day period where Christian followers fast, abstain from eating meat, and repent of their sins. During this time, they also give up something they value, such as coffee, TV, their iPod, etc, or decide to change a bad behavior or habit. Then, on Easter Sunday (the last day of Lent), the person decides whether the sacrifice is continued or abandoned.
