Getting to Know You: Characteristics of Introverts

You could be an introvert if...

chatting1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.
Introverts are known to avoid small talk, because they find it to be a source of anxiety, or at least annoyance. For many quiet types, chit-chat can feel phony and meaningless.
“Let's clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people," Laurie Helgoe writes in Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength. "We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.”

2. You go to parties, but not to meet people.
If you're an introvert, you may sometimes enjoy going to parties, but chances are you're not going because you're excited to meet new people. At a party, most introverts would rather spend time with people they already know and feel comfortable around. If you happen to meet a new person that you connect with, great...but meeting people is rarely the goal.

 
3. You often feel alone in a crowd.
Ever feel like an outsider in the middle of social gatherings and group activities, even with people you know?  If you tend to find yourself feeling alone in a crowd, you might be an introvert. We might let friends or activities pick us, rather than extending our own invitations.

4. Networking is a chore to avoid.
Networking (AKA small-talk with the end goal of advancing your career) can feel particularly disingenuous for introverts, who crave authenticity in their interactions.  Introverts are advised to network in small, intimate groups rather than at large mixers.

5. People think you're "intense."
Are you jazzed by deep, philosophical conversations and a love of thought-provoking books and movies?  Introverts like to research and discuss topics they find meaningful, and which they're passionate about.

6. You're easily distracted.
While extroverts tend to get bored easily when they don't have enough to do, introverts get easily distracted and overwhelmed in environments with an excess of stimulation, and prefer quiet and relatively unexciting environments.

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7. Downtime is the best time.

One of the most fundamental characteristics of introverts is that they need time alone to recharge their batteries. Whereas an extrovert might get bored or antsy spending a day at home alone with tea and a stack of magazines, this sort of down time feels necessary and satisfying to an introvert.

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.
Introverts can be excellent leaders and public speakers -- and they don't necessarily shy away from the spotlight. Performers like Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera and Emma Watson all identify as introverts, and an estimated 40 percent of CEOs have introverted personalities. Instead, an introvert might struggle more with individually meeting and greeting large groups of people. 

9. When you get on the bus, you sit at the end of the bench -– not in the middle.
Whenever possible, introverts tend to avoid being surrounded by people on all sides, and sit in places where they can get away easily when they're ready to.  For example, when an introvert goes to the theater, the aisle or the back row are the preferred seating options.

10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long.
Do you start to get tired and lethargic after you've been out and about for an extended period of time? It's likely because you’re trying to conserve energy. Everything introverts do in the outside world causes them to expend energy, after which they'll need to go back and replenish their stores in a quiet environment. Without a nearby quiet place to go, many introverts will resort to zoning out. 

11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert.
It's true that opposites attract, and introverts frequently gravitate towards outgoing extroverts who encourage them to have fun and not take themselves too seriously.
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12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to be great at everything.
The dominant brain pathways introverts use is one that allows you to focus and think about things for a while, so they’re geared toward intense study and developing expertise, according to Dr. Marti Olsen Laney.

13. You actively avoid anything that might involve audience participation.
Because really, there is nothing more terrifying.

14. You screen all your calls -- even from friends.
You may not pick up your phone even from people you like, but you’ll call them back as soon as you’re mentally prepared and have gathered the energy for the conversation.  For example, one introvert said, "To me, a ringing phone is like having somebody jump out of a closet and go 'BOO!  I like having a long, nice phone call with a friend -- as long as it's not jumping out of the sky at me."
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15. You notice details that others don't.
The upside of being overwhelmed by too much stimuli is that introverts often have a keen eye for detail, noticing things that others around them miss. Research has found that, compared to extroverts,  introverts exhibit increased brain activity when processing visual information.

16. You have a constantly running inner monologue.
Extroverts tend to talk things through. Most introverts need to think first and discuss later.

17. You’ve been called an “old soul" since you were a kid.
Introverts observe and take in a lot of information, and they think before they speak, leading them to appear wise to others.

18. Your environment tends to sap your energy.
Neurochemically speaking, things like huge parties just aren’t your thing. Extroverts and introverts differ significantly in how their brains process experiences through "reward" centers.

Researchers demonstrated this phenomenon by giving Ritalin -- the ADHD drug that stimulates dopamine production in the brain -- to introverted and extroverted college students. The study "suggests that introverts have a fundamental difference in how strongly they process rewards from their environment, with the brains of introverts weighing internal cues more strongly than external motivational and reward cues," explained LiveScience's Tia Ghose.

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19. You look at the big picture.
When describing the way that introverts think, psychologist Carl Jung explained that they're more interested in ideas and the big picture rather than facts and details. Of course, many introverts excel in detail-oriented tasks -- but they often have a mind for more abstract concepts and discussion as well.

20. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.” 
Many introverted children come to believe that there's something "wrong" with them if they're naturally less outspoken and assertive than their peers. Introverted adults often say that as children, they were labeled as uninterested daydreamers who chose to not participate in class "like the others."
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21. You’re a writer.
Introverts are often better at communicating in writing than in person, and many are drawn to the solitary, creative profession of writing. Most introverts -- like "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling -- say that they feel most creatively charged when they have time to be alone with their thoughts.

22. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.
Introverts know how much they need to balance solitude with social activity. But when they overdo it -- possibly by over-exerting themselves with too much socializing and being overly busy-- they get stressed and need to retreat to recharge. This may manifest as going through periods of heightened social activity, and then balancing it out with a period of inwardness and solitude. 

23.  You cancel plans to go out or to be with others more often than not.
At the time you schedule social get-togethers, you're either feeling equipped to have that kind of contact or it's difficult to say no.  When the day of the event comes, however, your energy levels might not be able to handle it, and you reschedule.

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So...what's the verdict?  Are you an "innie?"  While writing this post I was surprised to find myself in each of these characteristics.  Upon much internal deliberation (natch!), I declare that I am an introvert.  What a relief to know that there's a valid explanation for my need for solitude and inner reflection to recharge!
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Source:  Huntington Post

(c) 2012-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Getting to Know You: Are you an introvert?

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It can be exhausting living in a busy, boisterous world when your personality not only prefers but craves a little solitude.  Unfortunately, introverts may come off as being socially awkward, rude, aloof or shy to those who don't understand the personality type.
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"Introversion is a preference that has to do with where you direct your energy (inward) and how you recharge (usually by being alone)," states cartoon artist and self-professed introvert Aaron Caycedo-Kimura. "It's not something to be cured. It’s just how some people are wired and how they were designed to be."

Think you can spot an introvert in a crowd? Hmm...not sure about that. Although the stereotypical introvert may be the one at the party who's hanging out alone by the food table fiddling with an iPhone, the "social butterfly" can just as easily have an introverted personality.

People are frequently unaware that they’re introverts (especially if they’re not shy) because they may not realize that being an introvert is about preferring to cultivate time alone and recharge lost energy from being around others, even if the company of friends gives them pleasure.

Despite the growing interest about the study of introversion, it remains a frequently misunderstood personality trait. As recently as 2010, the American Psychiatric Association even considered classifying "introverted personality" as a disorder by listing it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), a manual used to diagnose mental illnesses.  Thankfully, they decided against it.

Introverts are now speaking out about what it really means to be a "quiet" type.  To read more about the specific characteristics of introverted people, read this post

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

HELP! (My new advice column.)

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In my work as a mental health counselor, I don't offer advice as to how to solve clients' problems.  In this special kind of relationship, it's essential for the person to bring about change in themselves so their circumstances and environments can improve.  It's empowering and necessary, and good clinical practice.

This does NOT mean that I don't have opinions regarding the challenges I hear about.  I know what I would do if I was in that person's shoes.  (Kick him to the curb!  Knock that crap off!  What're you...CRAY-CRAY??????)  I just keep my comments to myself.

So to satisfy my interest in giving advice to people whom I don't see for counseling, I've created an advice column called HELP!  Visitors can ask questions, and I'll be brutally honest with my responses.  No holds-barred.  Balls to the wall.

I invite questions on dealing with the challenges of life: Healthy relationships, time management, life skills, bullying, decision-making skills, and so on.  Questions that are or could be construed as sexual, violent, hate-mongering or political will be deleted.  Let's keep it PG-13, m'kay?

To give you a taste of what to expect, below is a question recently asked of me:

Q: How can I get over my fear of embarrassment?

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A:  It might help you to know that even the most confident, popular, wealthy, and famous people get embarrassed, and many of them fear it just like you, yet they survive the temporary discomfort and move on. It’s human nature to not want to be laughed at or ridiculed, but look at it this way: anyone who is inappropriately critical or speaks unkindly or disrespectfully over who you are or what you’ve done or said is insecure and fearful themselves. 

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Fear is a necessary, life-saving emotion.  It provides the strength and speed to run away from a sabre-toothed tiger chasing us or to put up our dukes and fight off the enemy.  However, it has no place in deciding how we behave or speak on the chance that someone equally as insecure and fearful will embarrass us.

My suggestion is to find a counselor who you like to work with to get at the root of your fear and insecurity, and build up your confidence. In the meantime, take pride in what you do well, your character and integrity, that you have people in your life who love and care about you, and that you’re a good person. Focus on the good, and all the times things went well and you didn’t get embarrassed.  Make note of strategies you've used in the past that kept embarrassment at arm's-length.

We all flub up at one time or another.  No one is immune.  Join us, won't you? 

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(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! I'm being bullied and don't know why. What do I do?



Ever hear of the saying, “Misery loves company?” Bullies are essentially insecure and fearful deep down, and the only way they know how to temporarily forget how much pain they’re in is to focus on and inflict intentional hurt onto someone else who’s done nothing to instigate or cause the behavior.  They displace their pain in an attempt to have control over something when they feel they have control over nothing.

Knowing this about bullies might make it less scary to deal with one. Bullies target people with kind hearts, who are well-liked, and are successful…all the things they are not.

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If it would be safe to do so, let your bully know that you have had enough of their shenanigans, and you will not allow them to mistreat you for one more moment. (Make sure you have someone with you to witness this; preferably a person who could protect you or go for help if necessary.). Bullies prefer to prey on the passive and peacekeepers…stand your ground and don’t allow the bully to intimidate, threaten or scare you.

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If you can’t or don’t want to confront this person, document every interaction and include where, when, the names of witnesses, the content of your interactions, the outcome, and how you felt during and afterwards. Keep these notes in a safe place (preferably on the cloud) and document everything that makes you feel scared, threatened, or uncomfortable. Should you decide to sue for damages, these detailed notes will be of great help to show a prolonged pattern of intentional behavior to hurt and humiliate you.

(c) 2012-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! Do breakups have to suck?


No.  Breakups don’t ever have to suck.  Not like you think.


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Surprised at my response?


If the two people involved are mature and self-confident enough to realize that their relationship has run its course and it’s time to go their separate ways, they can calmly and respectfully make that decision together, and wish each other well.

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No drama.  No screaming.  No stalking.  No blowing up the other person’s Facebook page with hateful words. No disrespectful behaviors are exchanged.  (These are red-flags for insecure, immature individuals.  These people are to be avoided until they find their missing confidence.)

Don't misunderstand.  It's incredibly sad when you’ve imagined having a life with this person, and realize that it's no longer an option.  It’s absolutely appropriate to grieve the dreams and hopes you had.  Figure out the lessons you learned from that relationship and make a mental note to use that wisdom in positive ways next time.  Eventually the sadness will lift and you will learn to move forward without this person.  You'll once again love your life and will be ready when the next love-of-your-life crosses your path.


If you're a breakup survivor and need some guidance, read The Breakup Recovery Plan.



(c) 2012-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Life Skills Hack: Gandhi's Guide for Changing the World

 1. Change yourself.
When you change how you think, then you will change how you feel and will in turn affect the actions you take. So the world around you will change as well, not only because you are now viewing your environment through new lenses of thoughts and emotions, but because the change within can allow you to take action in ways you wouldn’t have – or maybe even have thought about – while stuck in your old thought patterns. 

2. You are in control.
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You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don’t have to freak out, overreact or even react in a negative way.  As you come to realize that no one outside of yourself actually controls how you feel, you can begin to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. This new habit can grow stronger and stronger over time.  A huge benefit is this will make your life a whole lot easier and much more pleasurable.

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3. Forgive and let it go. 
Forgiveness does not equal condoning.  Forgiveness benefits you, and not the person whom you are forgiving.  Forgiveness allows you to release old hurts and disappointments so that you can move forward with a new, more positive way of viewing your life.  When you forgive, you have taken control over your feelings and choose to release yourself from the bonds of what has been holding you back.

4. Take action to live the life you want.
Resistance to taking action comes from you imagining negative future consequences, or reflecting on past failures. To truly accept your worth and purpose in your life, Gandhi stated that you must practice this belief in your thoughts, feelings and actions daily. When you are grateful for the life you live, you must practice that gratitude faithfully.  You must practice the skill of being the best version of you. The result for "walking the walk" is a fuller understanding of your place in the world and what you can do to make a positive impact.

5. Take care of this moment.
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The only thing we can be absolutely certain of is what's happening in this moment.  And this moment.  And this one.  Gandhi encourages staying in the present as much as possible and to be accepting. The past is gone, and the future is an uncontrollable entity.  What you're doing right now is all that matters. Enjoy where you are.  Appreciate and accept what is.

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6. Everyone is human.
When we idolize others, such as celebrities, political leaders and sports figures, we run the risk of becoming setting them apart from our experiences and abilities. You think you could never achieve that status because they're special and different from you. The truth is, everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time.  We are all human, fallible and capable of making mistakes.  Speaking of mistakes, we must stop beating ourselves up over mistakes we've made and instead see with clarity where we went wrong, what we can learn from those mistakes, and try, try again. And again.

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7. Persist.
One of the reasons people don’t get what they want is simply because they give up too soon. The time they think an achievement will require isn’t realistic or they just don't understand what it takes to see something through. 

Never give up.  Find what you really like to do, and you’ll find the inner motivation to keep going, going and going. Gandhi was so successful with his method of non-violence was because he and his followers were so persistent. They just didn’t give up.
8. See the good in people and help them.
We can choose to focus on what's good in people, while maintaining awareness of their ability to make poor choices. When you see the good in people it becomes easier to be motivated to be of service to them. By being of service and recognizing their value, the rewards are multiple:  a) you feel good knowing you've eased another person's burden; b) the person you helped feels more connected to the community; and c) the people you help may feel more inclined to pay it forward. And so you, together, create an upward spiral of positive change that grows and becomes stronger.


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9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self.
When your thoughts, words and actions are aligned, you feel powerful and good about yourself.  When words and thoughts match, that shows through in your communication.  With these channels in alignment people tend to really listen to what you’re saying. You are communicating with sincerity, self-respect and a desire to truly connect with others.

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10. Continue to grow and evolve.
Humans are works in progress.  The world provides us with experiences that challenge our beliefs and values. Ask yourself whether what you believed as a child is still your stance today.  Is your best friend the same one you had when you were in middle school?  People change, and so do their preferences and beliefs.  This is GOOD.  We're supposed to evolve and become the best version of ourselves.  If you need convincing, see Rule #1 above.
  

Images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: Is My Partner Abusive?

Do you:
  • feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
  • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
  • feel emotionally numb or helpless?

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Belittling Behaviors
Does your partner:
  • humiliate or yell at you?
  • criticize you and put you down?
  • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
  • blame you for their own abusive behavior?
  • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
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Violent Behaviors or Threats
Does your partner:
  • have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
  • threaten to take your children away or harm them?
  • threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
  • force you to have sex?
  • destroy your belongings?

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Controlling Behaviors
Does your partner:
  • act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • control where you go or what you do?
  • keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  • constantly check up on you?
If you have questions or concerns about your partner's behavior, there is help.  
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Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska
Images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! I'm scared of confrontation and standing up for myself. I have never done so in the past. How do I do it and what do I say?



You make a solid plan.
1) Ask yourself this question..."What's the absolute WORST thing that could happen if I stood up for myself?"
2) When you've figured that out, ask yourself again..."If that is indeed the worst thing that could happen, what could I do to protect myself while standing my ground?"
3) Realize that you are strong and powerful, and protecting yourself is what you need to do.  When you confront someone, you must be safe (see question #2). When you've been mistreated, hurt or disrespected, you have every right to tell that person you will not allow that to happen any longer.  (Personal boundaries are healthy and necessary.)  Tell them in detail what the negative consequences will be for them if they continue (report to a trusted adult or authority figure, call the police, etc.) Stand your ground.  You are more powerful than your fear.
4) If the other person refuses to treat you better, follow through with the action you said you would take. This will be hard, but your actions will convey that you mean business and you won't allow him/her to push you around any longer.
5)  Enjoy the feeling of self-respect and empowerment.
(c) 2012-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Reputation Building 101: Rethinking Failure

Fact:  If any of us believed that falling down once meant that we'd never learn to walk, we'd all be crawling on our hands and knees today.
 
If falling off of a bike repeatedly meant you'd never learn how not to fall, Schwinn would have gone out of business a long time ago and there'd be no such thing as the Tour de Cure.

I'll assume that your toddler mindset didn't let many tumbles, wobbles and falling on your butt keep you from walking upright.  Getting your knees skinned and dumping your bike more than once didn't end your quest to be a skilled rider.

Know why you can walk, ride a bike, write, read, ski, and so on?  Because your younger self didn't know what failure was.  It wasn't an option, so there was nothing keeping you from mastering those skills.  You picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and started all over again.  And again.  And again.  You figured out how to balance yourself just right so that you fell less and less often.  You eventually got really good at it.  You took repeated failures and used them as learning opportunities.

That's called resilience.
At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I think that our ever-growing reliance on technology has been the death-knell of resilience.  I'm noticing that people who seem to always have a phone or tablet bonded to their hands, or folks who spend uncountable hours in front of a computer screen, are less skilled at dealing with obstacles that life throws their way.
  
The 24/7/365 availability of information and communication opportunities have replaced the practice-til-you-get-it method of building and honing academic, social and interpersonal skills.  It has also taken failure out of the realm of possibilities, and turned it from a singular event into how to describe oneself.

The result is a population that doesn't know what to do when things go wrong: 
  • When they don't do something right the first time (or the second time.  Or the third).  
  • When losing a competition and getting angry for not receiving a consolation prize.
  • Giving up when learning something new and it doesn't go perfectly right away.
  • How to lose gracefully and with sportsmanship.
  • How to take failure as an opportunity to grow and learn and do better.
We don't need consoling when we fail. Or a trophy for participation.  We need to build grit.  Rethink what we can learn from the experience. Show our tenacity.  Pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again...until we get it right.   


All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.