The gift of forgiveness

"She hurt me so badly...I'll never get over this." 

"I deserve an apology."

"I'll never forgive him for that." 

Forgiveness for wrongs others have done to us is a hurdle many people have great difficulty getting over.  Most of us believe the world should be fair, honest and good, and when it's not, we think that apologies and restitution should automatically follow.  Only then can forgiveness truly be given.

Unfortunately, that's not how it works.  

People hurt us.  We expect The Offender to acknowledge what they've done and do everything in their power to make it better.  So we wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And it never comes.

In moments of weakness, we become The Offender and hurt others. We know what we've done, and we're ashamed deep down.  It's so hard to believe and admit that we've inflicted pain, and we might want to apologize, but just can't find the words.  Time passes and it seems like it's too late to say "I'm sorry." 
OR
We don't care about the aftermath over what we've done because we believe the other person deserved what they got.   

Regardless of which side of the pain you're on, you'll never get past it without forgiving the other and yourself.

So why is it so effin' hard to do? Because people misunderstand what forgiveness is and what it is not.  

FACT:  Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior.  It's about accepting that regretful things happened, remembering that the past cannot be changed, and most importantly, not allowing your life to be defined by the hurt that was inflicted. 

FACT:  Forgiveness is about the person holding onto the bitterness.  It’s about releasing the negativity that keeps you stuck in the past. 

FACT:  Even if the other person does not deserve your forgiveness, you do. You no longer need to be defined by the wrongdoing of others. 

FACT:  Forgiveness does not mean allowing The Offender to continue to hurt you. Set limits regarding how you expect to be treated, and if the other person won't honor those boundaries, end that relationship. 

FACT:  Being unforgiving allows The Offender to continue to have control over how you live it. 
FACT:  Forgiveness opens your heart to healing and loving again, making it available to have wonderful people and experiences fill it. 

FACT:  Mistakes are opportunities to learn how to do things better.  If you have hurt others, find the lesson, make amends to the ones you've hurt, and move on wiser than before. 

And while you're forgiving The Offender, forgive yourself for not being healthier back then. Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know that which might be so obvious now.  You didn't know what you didn't know. 

Source:  Judy Belmont

(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.