Interpersonal Abuse: You Don't Have to Be Hit to Be Hurt


Image:  layoutsparks.com
Relationships.  A popular subject of discussion with afternoon television-pseudo-psychologists, talk shows, movies and countless self-help books.  Relationships can be all-at-once exhilarating, frustrating, comforting and painful...reason being that we make these ties with others who are, like us, always in a process of changing and growing.  What is of particular interest, though, is how to know whether your relationship is a healthy one.

Before we delve into the topic in the title, let's first define relationships.  We have relationships with lots of people:  significant other/spouse, family, your doctor, friends, peers, classmates, a familiar bartender, gym trainer, hairdresser, professors, co-workers, bosses, and so on.  Each connection we make with another person has a unique dynamic, which refers to the rules that guide the interaction between two people, including how they behave, how they treat, and the level of respect they display for each other.

Image:  agendalove.com
That said, how do you know that yours is healthy and appropriate?   First, take a look at what your rights are in any relationship (including intimate ones):
  • To express your opinions and have them be respected
  • To have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs
  • To grow as an individual in your own way
  • To change your mind
  • To not allow your partner to control you, nor will you be allowed to control your partner
  • To not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior
  • To not be physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abused
  • To break up with or fall out of love with someone and not be threatened
For a relationship to be fully functional, all of these rights must always be followed by both people.  We get into trouble when one or both parties fail to live up to these rights and responsibilities (especially the issue of control), and that's called abuse. Period.

In this month of October, where a lot of focus is drawn toward domestic violence awareness and prevention, it seems appropriate to tie into this topic by discussing all of the ways in which humans hurt and abuse others.  Not all of them include putting hands on someone else, but the pain, humiliation and the helplessness of being controlled are nonetheless deeply profound and disturbing to the one being abused.

Have you or your partner/family member/friend, etc. ever behaved in any of the following ways?


Psychological/Emotional Abuse
Q   Stalking (to follow, watch, harass, terrorize or other unwanted contact)
Q   Preventing sleep, rest or personal time
Q   Withholding approval or affection
Q   Making you feel as if you’re crazy in public or through private humiliation; playing mind games
Q   Making threats to commit suicide or murder
Q   Making threats of violence against significant third parties (family, friends, etc.)
Q   Excessive texts, IM’s or phone calls to check on your activity
Q   Unreasonable jealousy or suspicion
Q   Cheats on you, feels no remorse and expects you to accept it without complaint
Q   Forced drug or alcohol consumption
Q   Intimidation (making violent gestures, smashing things, destroying property, harming pets)
Q   Ignoring or discounting goals, dreams, activities or accomplishments
Q   Makes you feel you’re incapable of doing anything right, you’re stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, etc., and no one else will ever want you



Isolation
Q   Limiting outside involvement with a social support network
Q   Expecting you to report every move and activity
Q   Restricting use of the car
Q   Moving residences to prevent you from forming supportive relationships


Verbal Abuse
Q   Yelling
Q   Name-calling
Q   Shaming
Q   Putting you down
Q   Deliberate use of silence/ignoring


Intimidation
Q   Driving recklessly to make you feel threatened or in danger
Q   Destroying your property or cherished possessions
Q   Making you afraid by using looks/actions/gestures
Q   Throwing objects in anger to make you feel threatened
Q   Displaying and threatening to use weapons


Economic Abuse
Q   Rigidly controlling your finances
Q   Spending family income without consent and/or making you struggle to pay the bills
Q   Withholding money or preventing you access to your bank account
Q   Forcing you to account for every penny you earn and spend
Q   Withholding or forcing you to ask/beg for basic necessities (food, clothing, shelter, medications)
Q   Restricting you to an allowance
Q   Preventing you from working or choosing your own career
Q   Demand that you quit your job
Q   Refuses to get a job so the burden of supporting the family falls on you
Q   Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, showing up at your job and causing a scene, calling constantly)
Q   Stealing from you or taking your money overtly


Using Children or Pets
Q   Threatening to take the children away
Q   Making you feel guilty about the children; says you’re an unfit parent
Q   Abusing the children or pets to punish you
Q   Using the children to relay messages


Using Privilege
Q   Treating you like a servant
Q   Making all the big decisions without consulting with you
Q   Being the one to define male and female roles
Q   Acting like the king or queen of the castle


Sexual Abuse
Q   Sex on demand or sexual withholding
Q   Physical assaults during intercourse
Q   Spousal rape or non-consensual sex
Q   Using sexually degrading language
Q   Denying reproductive freedom
Q   You give in because denying your partner could result in an escalated altercation

Perhaps you hadn't considered that some of these behaviors are abusive, but THEY ARE.  If you are in a difficult relationship and want help to stop the abuse, please call the Counseling Center at 381-1365 and make an appointment with a counselor.

Image:  Google Images
For more information on the red flags to look for in intimate relationships, visit
http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/








(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Taking Personal Responsibility

Did you ever stop to think that everything you are or ever will be is completely up to you? That you are where you are because of who you are?  Truth is, everything that exists in your adult life exists because of you, your behavior, words, decisions and actions.  For example, you are a college student because you made the decision to pursue a degree, filled out the application, ordered your transcripts, registered for classes, and choose to go to those classes.  Nobody made this happen but you.

We all have freedom of choice, and because you have chosen each and every circumstance of your adult life, you are completely responsible for all of your successes and failures, your happiness and unhappiness, your present and future.  A really important lesson adults can learn is that no one else can make you succeed or fail, or feel happy or unhappy, empty or fulfilled.
The acceptance of personal responsibility is what separates the adult from the child. Children have neither the ability nor the freedom to make such high-level decisions.  But as adults, it’s the great leap forward into maturity. Responsibility is the hallmark of the fully-integrated, fully-functioning human being.  Which. Is. Good.


Responsibility goes hand-in-hand with success, achievement, motivation, happiness and self-actualization (reaching your greatest potential). It’s the absolute minimum requirement for accomplishing everything you could ever really want in life. Accepting that you’re completely responsible for yourself and realizing that no one is coming to the rescue is the beginning of peak performance.

The opposite of accepting responsibility is making excuses and blaming people, things and circumstances for what’s going on in your life. When people get into the habit of making excuses, they get into the habit of side-stepping responsibility at the same time.

Irresponsible people have a catch-all excuse they use whenever challenged with a difficult task or one that requires more self-discipline and persistence than they had thought.  As soon as things start to go poorly, they pull out their excuse and let themselves off the hook. And there they stay...with a goal that is left unfulfilled, and stuck in the belief that they are incapable of doing anything different or better.
When you take personal responsibility, you will:

* Acknowledge that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life.
* Accept that you are responsible for what you choose to feel or think and how you behave.
* Accept that you choose the direction for your life.
* Accept that you cannot blame others for the choices you have made.
* Hold the rational belief that you are responsible for determining who you are, and how your choices affect your life.
* Accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions.
* Admit when you make a mistake and have the desire to do better next time.
* Own up when you achieve something wonderful, without saying, "Oh, it was nothing" or "Anyone could do what I did."
* Realize that you determine your feelings about any events or actions addressed to you, no matter how negative they seem.
* Recognize that you are your best cheerleader; it is not reasonable or healthy to define yourself based on what other people think of you.
* Recognize that as you enter adulthood and maturity, you determine how your self-esteem will develop.
* Not feel sorry for the "bum deal" you have been handed but taking hold of your life and give it direction and meaning.
* Let go of your sense of over-responsibility for others.
* Protect and nurture your health and emotional well being.
* Structure your life with time management, stress management, confront fears and burnout prevention.
* Take an honest inventory of your strengths, abilities, talents, virtues and positive points.
* Develop positive, self-affirming, self-talk scripts to enhance your personal development and growth.
* Let go of blame and anger toward those in your past who did the best they could, given the limitations of their knowledge, background and awareness.
* Work out and let go of the anger, hostility, pessimism and depression over past hurts, pains, abuse, mistreatment and misdirection...then move forward with a new, healthier perspective.


Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14698-accepting-personal-responsibility/#ixzz1ZLrQnYKD


(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.






















Soft Skills Hack: Improving Your Communication Skills

In my line of work, having well-developed communication skills is a requirement.  Counselors are trained to be active listeners, reiterate what we hear the other person has said, and to respond without giving advice or bringing our opinions or feelings into it.

The result is open, mutually-respectful communication where both people feel heard and understood, and a positive rapport develops between us.  It's human nature that we all want to be heard and understood.

Unfortunately, I estimate that about 95% of the difficulties students come to me with are directly related to poor or inadequate communication.  No joke. 

The tough part is that most (if not all) people think they're great communicators, but that high percentage I just quoted blows that mindset out of the water.

There are three relatively simple steps to improve how we communicate with others.

Listen actively.  This means that you are listening only to what the other person is saying.  You're not up in your head, thinking of the next thing to say (you can't listen and think at the same time--trust me on this one).  You're paying attention to the words and the feelings that are wrapped around them.  Look directly at them, and show your interest in what they're saying.

Summarize.  You simply restate what the person has said.  A good way of doing this is, "If I heard you correctly, you said ___________."  This shows the other person that you really did hear what he/she said, gives them the opportunity to either correct you or fill in anything that you might have missed.  (If he/she is going on for a bit, stop them politely by saying, "Hold on...I want to make sure I'm hearing everything you've said so far.  Am I correct that you said ________?" Then ask them to continue.)


Respond only to what the other person has said, without giving advice or sharing your feelings or opinions.  This is where it gets a little difficult.  We're so accustomed to solving problems, telling others what we think is right, and how we feel about things.  But when we do this, we are actually breaking down that communication with the other person.

This video (courtesy of http://www.rhemaresourcecentre.com/) does a very good job at further explaining these techniques (Note:  the video content actually ends at 2 minutes and 30 seconds.)




Here's a conversation between good friends done in two ways (see if you can choose the better way of communication):

VERSION ONE
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  Yeah, she's a b&*%$.  My brother took my PS3 and spilled soda on it and now it's a piece of crap.  He's always pulling crap like that.  I hate him.  My parents are always up my butt, too.  I need to move out and get my own place.
Lucy:  Are you listening to me?
Charlie:  Uh, yeah, right.  What were we talking about?
Lucy:  How much I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  Right.  I think you should go in her room, trash it, take one of her shirts and slice it up, then leave it on her bed.  That'll teach her not to mess with your stuff.
Lucy:  You're a whack job, Charlie Brown.  Later. 


VERSION TWO
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  I can tell you're really mad at her for not asking your permission and then ruining your shirt.
Lucy:  Yeah, I'm mad!  It was my favorite shirt.  I hate that she does stuff like that.
Charlie:  I can relate.  No one likes to be disrespected.
Lucy:  You hit it on the head.  She disrespects me all the time and I don't know what to do.
Charlie:  What do you think you could do to let her know how you feel?
Lucy:  I need to talk to her...and maybe change the lock on my room.
Charlie:  Talking to her?  Changing the lock?  I think those are good ideas.
Lucy:  Thanks, Charlie.


As corny as these examples may seem, you can see the huge difference in how they ended.  Lucy felt heard and understood, and appreciated Charlie's support in the second version.  He validated her feelings, and instead of giving her advice or his opinion, he let her come up with a solution that would work for HER.  Their friendship is a little bit stronger as a result.


You, too, can improve your communication skills by trying these techniques.  As a result, you will notice that you'll have fewer disagreements and arguments, and your relationships with be stronger and healthier.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Keeping the balls in the air: Juggling college with the rest of your life


We all lead busy lives.  (I know...duh.)  We have many responsibilities to ourselves and others that take up a good deal of our time.  Having a full-time job, a spouse or significant other, kids, going out with friends, volunteer activities, caring for a sick family member...all of these contribute to our very full schedules.  Don't you sometimes wonder how we get it all done in the 168 hours we're alloted every week?

When we make the decision to pursue a college education, we're adding a HUGE task to juggle with the rest.  How do college students manage to keep all the balls in the air?  The truth is, they can't and don't, and in all honesty, they shouldn't expect to.  Some things simply have to take a back seat when you go to college.  For reals.

I realize that statement is one you probably didn't want to hear.  We're expected to "do it all" and "git 'er done," and be all things to all people, but it's virtually impossible when you choose to come to college.  So how does one make the best of it?  There are three keys to getting everything done with your sanity intact:  setting priorities, time management, and organization.


Setting priorities is the first thing to do.  Make a list of everything that you have to do in any particular week.  Include things like work, commuting to work and campus, the kids' activities, class time, laundry, sleep, study time, household chores, grocery shopping, recreational activities, etc.  Then put a "1" next to the five most important things that must be done by you--in other words, no one else can do it.  (Note:  it is assumed that "doing well in and finishing college" is a "1.")  Put a "2" next to the three important tasks that you need to do, but with less urgency.  Finally, put a "3" next to the three tasks that, if you didn't do them, your life wouldn't fall apart.  Now...do you have any items that didn't get assigned a number?  Delegate these to a family member or friend, or perhaps they can be put on hold indefinitely.


Time management is the next hurdle to tackle.  You will need a weekly planner, and a monthly calendar that you can hang on the wall.  Now that you have your tasks prioritized, you can begin to schedule them (yes, I said schedule) in your planner and on the wall calendar.  Start with the "1's" and then the "2's".  When finding study time in your week, remember to allow 2 hours of study for every credit you're taking.  If you're registered for 15 credits, you need to find 30 hours every week to study; six credits requires 12 hours of study time.  Take all of your course syllabi (outlines) and write in all of your quizzes, exams, and research paper due dates.  If you have kids who are school-aged, include their vacation weeks (be sure you have reliable child-care--and a reliable backup--because our college vacations do not coincide with the public school calendars).

Take a look at your planner.  Is there enough time to get your priority tasks done?  Yes?  Great.  No?  Then you need to go back to your priority list and either get rid of something or delegate it for someone else to do.  Do you need to cut your hours at work?  Will you have to turn down the invitation to be your kid's homeroom parent?  Say no to going out every Saturday night, shopping or taking a trip?

You may find sticking to this super-tight schedule to be difficult because you're not accustomed to it.  It will help if you make a habit of looking at your calendar at least 3 times each day:  when you first wake up, in the middle of the day, and after dinner.  If you stay with it, in time it will feel like second nature...eventually you won't be able to function without your planner!  (If you need additional assistance with time management, visit the Learning Center in Elston 528.)


The last step is getting organized.  Now that you know how your time is being spent each week, choose a day (Sunday, perhaps?) to get ready for the rest of the week.  Put together the clothes you and your kids will wear each day so no time will be wasted wondering what to put on.  Get your backpack ready so you can walk out the door on time.  Plan your meals and perhaps get acquainted with how to use a Crock-Pot, or cook all of your
meals ahead of time so they can be warmed up later.  Look over this week's schedule...do you have a quiz or a paper due?  A doctor's appointment?  Do you need to arrange transportation for yourself or the kids?  Get all of your prep work for the week completed, so you'll feel less stressed and ready to tackle your busy schedule.

Another very important way to stay organized is to find a dedicated space where you will do homework, write your papers, complete reading assignments and study...uninterrupted.  Whether it's in your home office, bedroom, the Learning Center or Library, find one place where you won't be bothered and go there when your schedule tells you to.  It's absolutely impossible to get any school work done when the television is blasting, you're trying to get the kids to bed, or the phone won't stop ringing.  You need a quiet space to help you do the best work you're capable of.  One more thing...be sure you have everything you need to get your work done, such as paper, pens, textbook, laptop.  Turn off the phone and get crackin'.

Coming to college will no doubt put you closer to your personal and career goals, but it is an enormous addition to our already-busy lives.  Setting your priorities, effectively managing your time and staying organized will help keep most of the balls in the air.





QUESTION:  How do you manage your life?

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

When the glass is half-full: The benefits of living with a positive attitude

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."  (Winston Churchill)
Attending college is an awesome and wonderful experience, yet it causes a lot of anxiety and worry for many students.  You may worry about being able to cut it, whether you've got what it takes to see it all the way through to graduation (let alone to the end of the semester).  In a nutshell...


Having a positive attitude helps you to cope more easily with the rigors and responsibilities of college and the daily affairs of your personal life. Being positive brings optimism into your experience, and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. If you adopt it as a way of thinking and behaving, a positive attitude will bring constructive changes into your life, and make them happier, brighter and more successful. With a positive attitude you see the bright side of life, become optimistic and expect the best to happen. It is certainly a state of mind that is well worth developing and strengthening.



A positive attitude manifests in the following ways: 
  • Positive thinking.
  • Constructive thinking.
  • Creative thinking.
  • Expecting success.
  • Optimism.
  • Motivation to accomplish your goals.
  • Being inspired.
  • Choosing happiness.
  • Not giving up.
  • Looking at failure and problems as blessings in disguise.
  • Believing in yourself and in your abilities.
  • Displaying self-esteem and confidence.
  • Looking for solutions.
  • Seeing opportunities.
A positive attitude leads to happiness and success and can change your whole life. If you look at the bright side of life, it will impact everything you do. This affects not only you and the way you look at the world, but your whole environment and the people around you...it becomes contagious.

"Yeah, right.  What's in it for me?"
  • Helps achieving goals and attaining success.
  • Success achieved faster and more easily.
  • More happiness.
  • More energy.
  • Greater inner power and strength.
  • The ability to inspire and motivate yourself and others.
  • Fewer difficulties encountered along the way.
  • The ability to overcome any difficulty.
  • Life smiles at you.
  • People respect you.
A negative attitude says: you cannot achieve success.  A positive attitude says: You can.
If you've been struggling with a negative attitude, expecting (and experiencing) failure and difficulties, it's now time to change the way you think. You can get rid of negative thoughts and behavior and replace them with ones that are positive and hopeful. You can start today.  Right now.  (If you have tried before and failed, try again.)


Where do you start?
  • Choose to be happy.
  • Make a list of everything you're good at.  Practice telling other people about your many talents!
  • Make a list of all of your accomplishments and feel proud!
  • Look at the bright side of life.  What have you got going for you?
  • Choose to be and stay optimistic.
  • Find reasons to smile more often. (Added benefit:  less wrinkles when you smile!)
  • Have faith in yourself...focus on what you can do!
  • Surround yourself with happy, hopeful and positive people.  Keep away from people who put you down and don't believe in you.
  • Read inspiring stories.  (Start here.)
  • Read inspiring quotes.  (Try some of these.)
  • Repeat affirmations that inspire and motivate you.  (Dr. Wayne Dyer is awesome.)
  • Visualize only those positive goals and dreams you want to happen. (Make a Vision Board.)
  • Learn to control your thoughts.  Say (to yourself and out loud) "I can..." and "I will..."
  • Learn concentration and meditation.
Start with baby steps.  One day at a time.  Celebrate your small successes in the process.  Following even only one of the above suggestions will bring you a bit closer to a glass that's half-full.
(c) 2011 Robyn M Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Personal Space Etiquette


Image Source
Have you ever stood next to someone who doesn’t understand the concept of personal space? There you are, minding your own business and next thing you know you feel someone’s breath on the back of your neck, or they're standing so close you can tell what they ate for lunch.  Don't you wish you could just say, "Hey, buddy, you need to back the [bleep] up"?

Your personal space is like an invisible bubble that surrounds you.  If people move inside this bubble when they are walking nearby, sitting next to or talking to you, it probably makes you feel uncomfortable.  And when you invade others' bubbles in similar ways, you can be certain you're creeping them out, too.  These are direct violations of personal boundaries.  Knowing the appropriate space limits in dealing with others is an important soft skill to learn, both on campus, at work and in your personal life.

We'll look at the different bubble sizes, whether it always stays the same size, and tips to protect your personal space and how to respect others' as well.
 
Anthropologist and proxemics expert Edward T. Hall has broken down the distances of personal territory ("bubbles") for U.S. Americans into four areas:
Image Source
Important factors to consider:
  • The bubble is larger if you are talking to a stranger.
  • The better you know the person you're talking to, the smaller the bubble may be.
  • The bubble is usually larger for two men than for two women.
  • The bubble may be very small for a man and a woman if they are in a relationship.
  • The bubble may be larger than normal for a man and a woman who are strangers to each other.
  • The bubble size may differ for different cultures.
Image Source
When two people are having an argument, often the first thing one of them will do is move in close, invading the other person's personal space. This is interpreted by that other person as aggression. The term for this, literally, is “getting in someone’s face.” There are many things that can affect how big a person's personal space is at any given time. 

Circumstances
As well as the individual factors mentioned above, the circumstances in which you find yourself may also affect the size of your bubble. You might find yourself much closer to a stranger you are talking to at a club, for instance, or standing in line at the bank.  You might also have a very large bubble if you are not used to talking to strangers, but have a much smaller bubble if you are an extrovert.

Cultural Differences
Different cultures maintain different standards of personal space. For example, the personal space for people in Japan might be much larger than for people in Italy.   Latin American and Mediterranean cultures like to stand at 1.5 feet ("personal bubble") for a personal conversation. An explanation for this is that cultures from colder climates have larger personal space bubbles while cultures with warmer climates prefer to be much closer. This explains why North Americans and Northern Europeans like their personal space. South Americans and Southern Europeans will enter your comfort zone.  
Image:  tvtropes.org

Any time someone else violates or comes into one's personal space without permission, it is an intrusion and a lack of respect.  Period.

What to do if someone invades your personal space
When someone gets uncomfortably close to you, there are several things you can do:
  • Do nothing.
  • Lean away from the person or take a step back, hoping he or she will take the hint.
  • Be honest and say you're uncomfortable being so close.
  • Explain why you need more space. For example, if you're left-handed, and the person is too close to your left side, comment about how you need the space to take notes.

How to have respect for others' personal space
  • Don't touch anyone unless they invite you to. 
  • Don't allow anyone to touch you without permission.
  • Don’t stand closer than 4 feet to a person unless you have an intimate relationship.
  • If you see the person you're talking with back up, it means you're standing too close.
  • When speaking with someone, don't shout over people or lean over someone else.  Move closer.
  • Never touch anyone else's children or belongings unless invited to do so.
  • It's better to wait for someone to walk through a narrow space rather than squeezing through and brushing someone's body whether they are of the same gender or not.
  • Give yourself some extra space when sitting next to someone.
  • Whether at work or home, going through someone's desk/room/office is a serious case of invading personal privacy.
  • The same thing goes for opening their mail, going through a purse or wallet, reading emails, checking out phone texts/voice mails.
Being aware of and respecting another person's personal space simply means that you allow them to control their bubble.  Be aware that you will keep a comfortable distance between yourself and someone else, and remember to never break through that boundary unless you have that person's permission or have been clearly invited to get closer. 


(c) Robyn King 2011-16. All Rights Reserved.





Improving Self-Esteem

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”- Eleanor Roosevelt


Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, how confident you are, how accomplished you feel. It reflects whether a person loves, accepts, and believes in who they are. For some of us, it can go up and down. One day you might feel really on top of everything, great about yourself, unafraid to try anything. The next day, you’re just as likely to feel completely at the bottom, unsure of yourself, afraid to say or do anything.  Then the day after that, you're back on top.

Image:  Google Images
 There are some folks, however, who feel really badly about themselves most of the time.  In addition to having a generally negative view of yourself, having chronic, long-term low self-esteem takes an enormous toll on the quality of your life:
·         You take fewer risks, which limits your opportunities, both personally and professionally. 
·         You’re reluctant to voice or even acknowledge your own needs and always put others’ before yours.
·         You are probably also haunted by past mistakes and worry about making future ones. 
·         You question everything you say and do, and over-analyze interactions with others because you fear you’ve screwed up or embarrassed yourself. 
·         You are uncomfortable when someone gives you a compliment. 
·         You focus on what you’re lacking or missing in yourself and your life. 
·         You worry a lot about what other people think of you. 


Image:  Google Images


Because of how horribly they feel, many people with low self-esteem are reluctant to work on gaining high self-esteem for fear that people will think they are “stuck up” or “think they’re all that.”  Don’t confuse high self-esteem with arrogance.  Having high self-esteem means that you love, accept and believe in yourself as you are; arrogance means that you think you're better than everyone else.  Two different things.  Self-esteem is good; arrogance, not so much. 


So where does one start to improve how one thinks and feels?  Building high self-esteem is a process, not something you can develop overnight.  It takes time, energy, persistence and patience to change old ways of thinking and behaving.  It isn’t necessarily comfortable or easy, either.  As you begin to think and behave differently, other people may not like it and may give you a difficult time.  You may feel uneasy, scared and a little stressed, also, because you're doing new and different things, and you may find yourself in a position to need to give up things and people you're accustomed to having around you.  Changing for the better can, in all honesty, suck.  Big time.  These are NOT good reasons to stop improving yourself and go back to the "stinkin' thinkin'" mentality, however.  When you ride out the discomfort and learn new, positive ways of thinking and behaving, the end result will be absolutely worth the changes you've made.


Image:  Google Images

Here are some ideas to help you improve your self-esteem:
Stop comparing yourself with other people.  Your importance, value and worth are not dependent on what others do, have or achieve.  There will always be some people who have more than you, and some who have less.

Stop criticizing yourself.  Some people have a bad habit of putting themselves down regularly.  They say negative things to themselves like, “I’m so stupid!” or “I’m late again” or “I hate how I look.”  Get in the new habit of catching yourself when you say critical things about yourself and learn to stop the criticisms.  Instead, say something positive about yourself or something you've accomplished.

Forgive and move on.  Humans make mistakes, even when they try their best.  Constantly thinking about all the ways others have hurt or wronged you in the past is a waste of your time and energy.  So is beating yourself up for hurting someone else or making a decision that didn’t turn out how you had hoped.  The past is gone.  If someone else hurt you, forgive them for making that mistake.  If you are feeling badly about how you treated someone, forgive yourself.  Then move on...put it behind you.  Make a mental note to do better next time.


Surround yourself with your Dream Team.  The Real You is a wonderful, unique person with enormous potential and capacity for loving yourself and sharing your love with others.  Keeping company with people who are positive and supportive has a way of rubbing off on you.  It’s nearly impossible to think badly about yourself when you spend time with people who think you’re fabulous and capable of achieving whatever you set your mind to.  There is no room in your life for individuals who consistently put you down, stomp on your dreams, and treat you like a doormat.  Delete their numbers on your cell phone, and unfriend them on Facebook.


Get involved in work and activities you love.  It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re at a job you hate.  Your self-esteem will rise dramatically when you’re involved in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable.  Even if you’re not able to quit your job right away, you can still spend some of your leisure time doing your favorite hobbies and activities.


To thine own self be true.  Live your own life, and not the life someone else decided was best for you.  If you’re making decisions based on getting approval from family and friends, you’re not being true to yourself.  You’re the only one living in your sneakers, and no one else knows what’s better for you than YOU.  Stand up for what you want, and take the steps to get it.


Stop blaming yourself for past mistakes.  There are very few things in life that are in our control.  People with low self-esteem tend to take the blame whenever something goes wrong.  Instead, learn how to be proud of your efforts and give yourself credit for the things you have done well.


Recognize and honor your personal strengths.  Ever hear the expression, "if you don't toot your own horn, nobody else will"?  Sometimes you have to take a new inventory about what you LIKE about yourself:  your looks, smile, health, personality, character strengths.  Don’t sell yourself short.  There are many wonderful things about you, and it isn’t wrong or egotistical to praise yourself for what you’ve got going for you.


Quit overanalyzing.  Sometimes the real problem isn’t self-esteem at all, but a tendency toward overthinking everything.  When you find yourself doing this, redirect your focus to positive things.  Give your mind a rest.


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Accept all compliments by saying “Thank You.”  Don’t dismiss or ignore the nice things people say about you.  When you do this, you tell yourself that you don’t deserve or aren’t worthy of praise (a by-product of low-self esteem).  Practice saying “thank you” to every kind word someone says to you or about you, and realize that others have no trouble seeing how wonderful and valuable you really are...because they're right!


Volunteer your time and talents.  When you offer to help others in need, it will take your focus off of yourself and will naturally make you feel good.  And when you are thanked for what you’ve done, don’t dismiss it; practice saying, “You’re welcome.”

Take care of your whole self.  Getting adequate sleep, regular exercise, learning how to relax, scheduling fun activities into your life and eating healthy help your body to release hormones called endorphins, which are the “feel-good” chemicals.

Invest the time and energy it will take to improve how you feel about yourself...you are so worth it. 


(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson
 
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