Improving Self-Esteem

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”- Eleanor Roosevelt

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, how confident you are, how accomplished you feel. It reflects whether a person loves, accepts, and believes in who they are. For some of us, it can go up and down. One day you might feel really on top of everything, great about yourself, unafraid to try anything. The next day, you’re just as likely to feel completely at the bottom, unsure of yourself, afraid to say or do anything.  Then the day after that, you're back on top.


Image:  Google Images

 There are some folks, however, who feel really badly about themselves most of the time.  In addition to having a generally negative view of yourself, having chronic, long-term low self-esteem takes an enormous toll on the quality of your life:

·         You take fewer risks, which limits your opportunities, both personally and professionally. 

·         You’re reluctant to voice or even acknowledge your own needs and always put others’ before yours.

·         You are probably also haunted by past mistakes and worry about making future ones. 

·         You question everything you say and do, and over-analyze interactions with others because you fear you’ve screwed up or embarrassed yourself. 

·         You are uncomfortable when someone gives you a compliment. 

·         You focus on what you’re lacking or missing in yourself and your life. 

·         You worry a lot about what other people think of you. 

Image:  Google Images

Because of how horribly they feel, many people with low self-esteem are reluctant to work on gaining high self-esteem for fear that people will think they are “stuck up” or “think they’re all that.”  Don’t confuse high self-esteem with arrogance.  Having high self-esteem means that you love, accept and believe in yourself as you are; arrogance means that you think you're better than everyone else.  Two different things.  Self-esteem is good; arrogance, not so much. 


So where does one start to improve how one thinks and feels?  Building high self-esteem is a process, not something you can develop overnight.  It takes time, energy, persistence and patience to change old ways of thinking and behaving.  It isn’t necessarily comfortable or easy, either.  As you begin to think and behave differently, other people may not like it and may give you a difficult time.  You may feel uneasy, scared and a little stressed, also, because you're doing new and different things, and you may find yourself in a position to need to give up things and people you're accustomed to having around you.  Changing for the better can, in all honesty, suck.  Big time.  These are NOT good reasons to stop improving yourself and go back to the "stinkin' thinkin'" mentality, however.  When you ride out the discomfort and learn new, positive ways of thinking and behaving, the end result will be absolutely worth the changes you've made.

Image:  Google Images

Here are some ideas to help you improve your self-esteem:

Stop comparing yourself with other people.  Your importance, value and worth are not dependent on what others do, have or achieve.  There will always be some people who have more than you, and some who have less.

Stop criticizing yourself.  Some people have a bad habit of putting themselves down regularly.  They say negative things to themselves like, “I’m so stupid!” or “I’m late again” or “I hate how I look.”  Get in the new habit of catching yourself when you say critical things about yourself and learn to stop the criticisms.  Instead, say something positive about yourself or something you've accomplished.

Forgive and move on.  Humans make mistakes, even when they try their best.  Constantly thinking about all the ways others have hurt or wronged you in the past is a waste of your time and energy.  So is beating yourself up for hurting someone else or making a decision that didn’t turn out how you had hoped.  The past is gone.  If someone else hurt you, forgive them for making that mistake.  If you are feeling badly about how you treated someone, forgive yourself.  Then move on...put it behind you.  Make a mental note to do better next time.


Surround yourself with your Dream Team.  The Real You is a wonderful, unique person with enormous potential and capacity for loving yourself and sharing your love with others.  Keeping company with people who are positive and supportive has a way of rubbing off on you.  It’s nearly impossible to think badly about yourself when you spend time with people who think you’re fabulous and capable of achieving whatever you set your mind to.  There is no room in your life for individuals who consistently put you down, stomp on your dreams, and treat you like a doormat.  Delete their numbers on your cell phone, and unfriend them on Facebook.

Get involved in work and activities you love.  It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re at a job you hate.  Your self-esteem will rise dramatically when you’re involved in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable.  Even if you’re not able to quit your job right away, you can still spend some of your leisure time doing your favorite hobbies and activities.


To thine own self be true.  Live your own life, and not the life someone else decided was best for you.  If you’re making decisions based on getting approval from family and friends, you’re not being true to yourself.  You’re the only one living in your sneakers, and no one else knows what’s better for you than YOU.  Stand up for what you want, and take the steps to get it.


Stop blaming yourself for past mistakes.  There are very few things in life that are in our control.  People with low self-esteem tend to take the blame whenever something goes wrong.  Instead, learn how to be proud of your efforts and give yourself credit for the things you have done well.


Recognize and honor your personal strengths.  Ever hear the expression, "if you don't toot your own horn, nobody else will"?  Sometimes you have to take a new inventory about what you LIKE about yourself:  your looks, smile, health, personality, character strengths.  Don’t sell yourself short.  There are many wonderful things about you, and it isn’t wrong or egotistical to praise yourself for what you’ve got going for you.


Quit overanalyzing.  Sometimes the real problem isn’t self-esteem at all, but a tendency toward overthinking everything.  When you find yourself doing this, redirect your focus to positive things.  Give your mind a rest.

Image:  Google Images

Accept all compliments by saying “Thank You.”  Don’t dismiss or ignore the nice things people say about you.  When you do this, you tell yourself that you don’t deserve or aren’t worthy of praise (a by-product of low-self esteem).  Practice saying “thank you” to every kind word someone says to you or about you, and realize that others have no trouble seeing how wonderful and valuable you really are...because they're right!

Volunteer your time and talents.  When you offer to help others in need, it will take your focus off of yourself and will naturally make you feel good.  And when you are thanked for what you’ve done, don’t dismiss it; practice saying, “You’re welcome.”

Take care of your whole self.  Getting adequate sleep, regular exercise, learning how to relax, scheduling fun activities into your life and eating healthy help your body to release hormones called endorphins, which are the “feel-good” chemicals.

Invest the time and energy it will take to improve how you feel about yourself...you are so worth it. 

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Managing Everyday Anxiety

In its simplest terms, anxiety is defined as your body's natural response to imminent threat or danger, or to an event or circumstances with an uncertain outcome.   It's what you feel when your body gets ready to fight back or run away. 

Anxiety becomes a problem, however, when you are anxious and nervous without an actual threat or danger, your body stays in a hyperaroused mode, and the anxiety takes over your life.  That's when it's time to get help. 

People with anxiety disorders can learn how to change their thoughts and behaviors so they can live happy, productive, fulfilling lives as a result of working with a mental health professional who specializes in treating anxiety.

This 2-minute video does an excellent job at explaining the difference between everyday anxiety and anxiety disorders. 

Our focus, however, is anxiety of the everyday type, and how best to manage it.

We all know what anxiety feels like. Our heart pounds before a big presentation or an exam in our toughest class. We get butterflies in our stomach during a blind date. We worry over family problems or feel jittery at the thought of asking the boss for a raise.  And while any of these circumstances can certainly be cause for worry, they are finite, which means that there's a specific ending to the event. 

For example, once your presentation or exam is over, the anxiety subsides and you begin to feel better.  But the time leading up to the event or circumstance is where people suffer from the ravages of anxiety:  headache, stomach ache, diarrhea, feeling nervous and jittery, restlessness, sweating, irritability, difficulty concentrating and sleeping.  These are all caused by the release of stress hormones called cortisol and adrenaline. 

How can we manage our anxiety so we can tackle the task we're so worried or nervous about?  Here are six ways to get you started.

1.  Exercise.  The best way to burn off the stress hormones is to get moving on a regular basis.  Even a walk around the block or dancing can make you feel better.

Whatever it takes.

2.  Rest.  Getting adequate rest is essential for managing anxiety and to improve your overall health. If you're having trouble sleeping, it could be remedied in a number of ways, not the least of which is establishing a bedtime routine and sticking to it.  Turn off the TV, computer and cell phone; these are distracting and actually rev you up.  Take a shower, read, listen to soothing music.  Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. 

3.  Positive mindset.  How you feel and behave is directly related to how you think.  Research has shown that people who imagine a positive, realistic outcome of an upcoming event have less anxiety and tend to perform better at the task, which often results in a positive outcome! 

As you prepare for a stressful event, imagine that it's going to go the way you hope it will...and begin to believe it will, too.  Imagine getting an A on the exam or presentation.  The blind date goes well.  The boss gives you the raise. 

Having a positive outlook actually will make you feel less anxious, and has the added benefit of providing you with the mental and physical energy you need to perform at your best.

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4.  Relax.  Find a way to give your mind and body rest from the worry.  What will work for you...Is it taking the dog for a walk?  Stretching out in a recliner?  Sitting quietly and breathing deeply?  Having a glass of wine with a friend or a beer with your buddies?  Taking a bath?  Reading?  Spending an afternoon in Lake George?

Whoa, indeed.

5.  Assess the event/situation accurately and realistically.  When you think an event or situation is more important, more dangerous or more negative than it actually is raises your anxiety.  As mentioned above, how you think impacts how you feel and behave.  So take a look at what you're facing on a broader scale...will the world actually end if you don't get an A on the exam?  Will you never go out again if the blind date doesn't work out?  Will your life be forever ruined if you don't get the job you're interviewing for?



Say it with me: "Fruits and veggies ROCK!"

 6.  Put down the junk food.  Although it's tempting to grab your go-to comfort foods when you're anxious (mine is mac and cheese), your body is an engine that needs good, clean, food in its natural form for fuel.  Fruits, veggies, lean protein and whole grains will not only make you look and feel better, they will raise your metabolism so it can burn off stress hormones quickly and efficiently.

There you have it.  Anxiety can be managed so you can get through those difficult times and circumstances with your mental and physical health intact.  If you find that these tips don't help, make an appointment to meet with a counselor right away so you can learn other ways to better manage it.

QUESTION:  How do YOU manage your anxiety? 

 

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Building Personal Boundaries

"I just don't understand why my boyfriend treats me like dirt.  I know he has someone else on the side, but what I can do about it?" 

"I hate it when my roommate takes something from my room without asking...how do I get her to stop (or do I need to move out)?"

"When my girlfriend gets mad, she gets in my face and screams and calls me every name in the book.  Then she trashes me on Facebook where everyone can see.  Later she says she's sorry, I forgive her, and things are good for a while...until I do something else to make her mad.  It's like a vicious cycle.  I do everything I can to avoid getting her upset, but she always finds things to get mad at."

These are complaints I hear all too often from students who are having difficulties with personal relationships.  What's missing in these scenarios are healthy personal boundaries.  And although we have no control over how others behave, we can control how we allow others to treat us.

Personal boundaries are like fences.  Just like the fence around the property where you live, personal boundaries are built to keep out those people and behaviors who don't respect you or your belongings.

Boundaries are necessary for you to learn how to define yourself in a healthy way.  Setting boundaries means that you are taking responsibility as an adult, and expect equality and respect in the relationships you have with others.

So where do you start?  There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two statements involve setting the boundary; the third is what you will do to defend that boundary.

Part 1: "If you" :  A description of the behavior you find unacceptable (being as specific as possible).

Part 2: "I will" :  A description of what action you will take to protect and take care of yourself in the event the other person violates the boundary.

Part 3: "If you continue this behavior I will" :  A description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.  If you set boundaries then do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue with the same old behavior.  Be sure the consequence is one you will follow-through.

Example:  "If you don't stop screaming at me, I will ask you to leave until you are calm enough to discuss this like adults.  If you continue to scream at me, I will call the police and have you escorted out."  (This is said only once, with follow-through of the consequence should the other person choose not to respect the boundary.)

Setting a boundary is not making a threat.  It is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat you in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person's behavior.

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that). Setting a boundary is part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. It is a major step in taking control over how you will allow others to treat you.

Setting a boundary is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation.  Some people say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate the other person. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is this: When you set a boundary you let go of the outcome; it's up to the other person to change how they treat you. 

One last thing to remember:  As you build those healthy, appropriate boundaries, people around you will probably not like it.  You will be challenged in every way possible as you follow through with your expectations of how others to treat you.

Eventually, one of three things will happen: 
1) the other person will begin to improve how they treat you, 
2) when this person realizes he/she can no longer manipulate or bully you, they will move out of your life, or
3) if the person doesn't change and disrespects the limits you've set, you can choose to leave that relationship behind. 

 

You win every time.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.