Soft Skills Hack: Building Personal Boundaries

"I just don't understand why my boyfriend treats me like dirt.  I know he has someone else on the side, but what I can do about it?" 

"I hate it when my roommate takes something from my room without asking...how do I get her to stop (or do I need to move out)?"

"When my girlfriend gets mad, she gets in my face and screams and calls me every name in the book.  Then she trashes me on Facebook where everyone can see.  Later she says she's sorry, I forgive her, and things are good for a while...until I do something else to make her mad.  It's like a vicious cycle.  I do everything I can to avoid getting her upset, but she always finds things to get mad at."

These are complaints I hear all too often from students who are having difficulties with personal relationships.  What's missing in these scenarios are healthy personal boundaries.  And although we have no control over how others behave, we can control how we allow others to treat us.

Personal boundaries are like fences.  Just like the fence around the property where you live, personal boundaries are built to keep out those people and behaviors who don't respect you or your belongings.

Boundaries are necessary for you to learn how to define yourself in a healthy way.  Setting boundaries means that you are taking responsibility as an adult, and expect equality and respect in the relationships you have with others.

So where do you start?  There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two statements involve setting the boundary; the third is what you will do to defend that boundary.

Part 1: "If you" :  A description of the behavior you find unacceptable (being as specific as possible).

Part 2: "I will" :  A description of what action you will take to protect and take care of yourself in the event the other person violates the boundary.

Part 3: "If you continue this behavior I will" :  A description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.  If you set boundaries then do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue with the same old behavior.  Be sure the consequence is one you will follow-through.

Example:  "If you don't stop screaming at me, I will ask you to leave until you are calm enough to discuss this like adults.  If you continue to scream at me, I will call the police and have you escorted out."  (This is said only once, with follow-through of the consequence should the other person choose not to respect the boundary.)

Setting a boundary is not making a threat.  It is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat you in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person's behavior.

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that). Setting a boundary is part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. It is a major step in taking control over how you will allow others to treat you.

Setting a boundary is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation.  Some people say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate the other person. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is this: When you set a boundary you let go of the outcome; it's up to the other person to change how they treat you. 

One last thing to remember:  As you build those healthy, appropriate boundaries, people around you will probably not like it.  You will be challenged in every way possible as you follow through with your expectations of how others to treat you.

Eventually, one of three things will happen: 
1) the other person will begin to improve how they treat you, 
2) when this person realizes he/she can no longer manipulate or bully you, they will move out of your life, or
3) if the person doesn't change and disrespects the limits you've set, you can choose to leave that relationship behind. 

 

You win every time.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.