From the Counselor's Desk

I Quit! Top Ten Reasons Students Don't Finish College

Many community college students have a lot going on when they begin their studies; the academic and time demands of taking classes often adds a lot more to do in an already-busy life. Most have responsibilities in their personal lives and bills that need to be paid. They have groceries to buy, kids to take care of, and cars to keep running. The number one reason they drop out is because they have to work, according to the results of a national survey of 614 young college students, ages 22 to 30, that was recently released. The hardest challenge for some students is figuring out how to juggle everything and stay in college, and in many cases, they can't. And when the rubber hits the road, dropping out of college is usually the first thing to be sacrificed.

Source: http://www.publicagenda.org/

Top 10 Reasons College Students Leave/Drop-Out:
1.   Demands from part-time or full-time employment while managing school.
2.   Not staying current with homework and/or studying.
3.   NOT GOING TO CLASS!
4.   A sense of not belonging; a sense of isolation, homesickness.
5.   Financial constraints; low on funds.
6.   Personal family issues.
7.   Academic courses not challenging enough or too challenging
8.   The college does not offer the degree of interest for the student.
9.   Lack of advising, guidance from parents or academic counselors.
10. Moving to a different geographic location.

Let's be real here. College isn’t for everyone, or maybe it's not the right time to attend college now. Whether it's the cost, the lack of direction, having more work than you imagined, or missing friends who went away to school, college can be a challenge that some aren’t ready for. Pursuing an education often doesn’t get easier as time goes by (especially if one's circumstances don't change or improve), and there will always be some reason to withdraw early. How can you manage your life so you can avoid being included in these statistics?

QUESTION: Have you considered dropping out? What are/were your reasons?
Sources: http://collegesurvivalblog.com/ , http://www.publicagenda.org

(All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise indicated.)
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

Heavy Lifting: Tired of Carrying Around that Load?

In my counseling practice, the most common statement that students make is "My life would be perfect if <insert other person's name> would change <insert annoying, abusive or otherwise inappropriate behavior>."

They come to me exhausted, frustrated and downright angry because everything they've done to force the other to make changes has failed, and yet harbor guilt because they care for and love that person and don't want to give up on the relationship. They're out of ideas, and basically want me to provide an instruction manual on how to get that other person to change. If it was only that easy.

These students are not evil, manipulative people. Really, they're not. In fact, they have the best of intentions to bring more happiness into their lives. (We all want that, right?) They are, however, needlessly carrying the burdens of others because they are misled and misinformed about the boundaries of relationships and limitations of personal responsibility. Fortunately, those things can be learned. That said, here's what I (and Jenn Gibson) know to be the truth about this matter:

1. Other people can't be changed or saved.
Period. End of discussion. They have to want to change and save themselves. They have to feel the pain, struggle and cry until there are no more tears. They only decide when they're ready to change, and figure out themselves what works best for them. If they don't want to change or believe there's nothing to change, that's their prerogative and responsibility.

Personally, I now know for certain that I cannot save a single soul. However, that doesn't mean I haven't tried, such as when I was a brand new counselor, naively thinking I could save the world; with a former co-worker who was abused at home; with a friend who continues to have money troubles; with my dying father. Nothing I did helped to change the outcome. Absolutely nothing. (Talk about feeling like an exhausted failure.) With the correct information, a change in my M.O. and lots of practice, however, I came to understand that my efforts to help were unnecessary and counterproductive for me and the other person.

So how do people change? The process goes something like this:

Things have to completely fall apart (what I call "hitting one's personal bottom of the barrel")
Coping strategies used in the past no longer work
They come to the realization that change is necessary
They seek help from an objective third-party (a counselor, for example) to learn more effective and empowering coping skills
Changes are made, and the person has an improved sense of pride, self-sufficiency and self-satisfaction.

2. We are only responsible for ourselves.
I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, needs, actions, words, happiness, beliefs, ideals, decisions, dreams, hopes, fears, failures, victories. They are mine and only mine. And you are in charge of yours and yours alone.
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You must not take on burdens for another person. You can’t fill the void in them. You can’t protect them from the things that scare the bejeezus out of them. When you step in and take over, you're doing them a great disservice--you're removing the opportunity for that person to experience real growth and a chance to come to terms with those things that cause them the greatest pain. As a consquence, they don't learn how to handle that pain in ways that are meaningful and helpful for them so they can move forward.

When I reflect upon my most difficult, hopeless, darkest, sobbing-on-my-hands-and-knees-and-praying-to-God-for-the-pain-to-end periods, that's when I grew the most, when I discovered how strong I really was, and got crystal clear about who I am and what I need. No one could help me do it, speed it along, or do it for me. Nope, that s**t was mine to deal with. I had to muster up the courage to take that journey toward change and health. And the victory in learning how to get through the pain and move forward with my life was a result of my efforts to change. I learned how to take care of myself. Which leads me to...

3. Caring for yourself first and getting your needs met must be your top priority.

You are Number One. The Big Enchilada. The Grand Poobah. You deserve to take good care of you and get everything you need. When you instead put another before you, at the end of the day you’ll be exhausted, have zero energy, frustrated and eventually resentful of the other person...not to mention upset with yourself for doing so damn much with no improvement or change to show for it.

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This is the hardest concept to really get our minds around, I think. When someone you love is hurting, you want it to stop. And you want to stop it. Now.

Think about it this way: if you've ever flown in an airplane, the flight attendants remind us that if the cabin pressure drops, and the oxygen mask falls down, we are to put it on ourselves first. We can't help others if we're gasping for air. This is an obvious exercise in self-care.

Instead, you can show your care and concern by taking a step back and let your loved one take those first scary steps toward change on their own. Put your own oxygen mask on. Let others decide when it's time for air; they really do know what they need.

4. The only person in the whole world who can make you happy is you.
It's a slippery slope to be on when you rely on another to provide you with joy, affirmation, contentment and self-fulfillment...which, when you think about it, are not really yours at all. It also places an unfair burden on the other person who consequently feels responsible for your happiness...when they should really be focusing only on their own.

Instead, manifest your own happiness by recognizing and valuing all of your wonderful, unique qualities and abilities, and in the things that light you up...and own them as all yours.

5. A broken heart can only be healed from the inside.

A question I'm often asked by people who are grieving is, "How long will it take until I feel better?" and I reply, "As long as it takes." There is no recipe or timeline for grief. People need to fully experience their feelings in their own time, which can often be distressful to others looking on. What you can do as a supportive outsider is be a sounding board, offer a compassionate ear, refrain from giving advice, love them, celebrate each baby-step toward victory, and remind them that in time it will get easier and better (because it always get easier and better).

6. Setting up appropriate boundaries between you and others is healthy for you and them.

Ever hear the saying, "Good fences make good neighbors?" Knowing when to draw the line in the sand to protect you from taking on others' problems is the best gift you can give yourself. In doing so, others are forced to learn the important life coping skills that everyone needs to survive. And that's the best gift you can give them.

So...what's my "heavy lifting" lesson?
I am accountable to and for myself only. (Say it with me, people!)

As mentioned earlier, it's taken me many years to really embrace this, and it's still a challenge to live it every day. Laying down that heavy load of taking on responsibility for others' well-being and caring for myself first is a huge relief. When I'm successful, it feels good. Really good. Damn good. Stepping back gives me breathing room to focus on myself and demonstrates that I trust the person is capable of figuring things out in a way that's best for them.

When I'm okay, my relationships are okay, too. And like the L'oreal commercials say, I'm worth it. So are you.

Source: http://www.rootsofshe.com/heavy-lifting-lessons/

All images courtesy of Google Images.
(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

Soft Skill Hack: What's the Magic Word?

One of my favorite pasttimes is people-watching. I like sitting in the Commons or at the mall and just watch how people behave when they are alone and how they interact and treat others. I find behavior fascinating, and I learn something new about human nature every day. Most of the time my faith in the kindness in people is strengthened; other times, not so much.

In a previous blog entry, I talked about how important soft skills are to the success of your job search and career as a whole. Under the category of "Good Communication" is basic manners. You know, saying please and thank you, holding a door open for someone coming in behind you, speaking in calm and quiet voice, refraining from texting or taking a phone call when someone is speaking, offering to help someone who dropped their books or is carrying a heavy load. (Basic stuff.)

It takes no more effort to use manners when dealing with other people than it does to be impolite, and the outcome of those kinds of interaction are always positive. Yet I've witnessed countless students walk by someone who's having trouble opening a door, letting a door slam in someone's face, barking orders to other students, and screaming at or threatening a college employee when something doesn't go in the student's favor. It's sad. Very sad. And it makes me furious. (Crazy stuff.)

However, when I see acts of kindness and good manners being used, I have hope. The majority of our college community uses good manners in their everyday dealings with others. Campus life is much improved when we treat (and are treated by) everyone we encounter with kindness and respect. An added bonus is these skills will come in very handy when snagging a dream job, keeping it, and moving up the ladder of success. (Good stuff.)

Doesn't it feel good when someone shows you respect and you don't feel personally attacked or embarrassed? It does for me, and I'd wager you'd agree. So, if it feels good to you, imagine how great you could make someone else feel today by offering kindness and respect. In a nutshell, if we all followed the "do unto others" philosophy, our world would be in a much better place. (Great stuff.)

...for visiting my blog. It's greatly appreciated.

Question: Have you witnessed interactions where good manners were used? Any examples of people who treat others with disrespect?

All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

Going for the Bachelor's: Ten Steps to an Easy Transfer

According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, approximately 4 million freshmen start college each Fall. One-third of all college students in the U.S. switch institutions at least once before earning a degree, says a report released by the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center. That's a lot of students jockeying for an acceptance letter from their number one college choice. If you're one of those people who want to transfer, there is a tried-and-true process to increase your chances of getting in.

Transferring from a community college to a four-year school is a process that should be planned well in advance; in fact, your first semester at SCCC is not too soon. The best strategy is to meet with our Transfer Counselor (located in Student Affairs), and stay in touch with her to ensure that you sign up for the best courses to match your interests, and which will be transferable to the institution(s) you're interested in attending. It's also helpful to have a good relationship with the transfer counselor at your four-year school. Being in regular contact with both the community college and the four-year college you hope to attend is a must.

With thanks to Bernice Dunn, here are the ten steps to an easy transfer:

1. Identify career goals and area of study
This is vital in choosing a college. Inquire about articulation agreements. If you don't know what you want to major in, then it is time to make an appointment with a career counselor in Student Affairs who can assist you with this decision.

2. Always register with "transfer" in mind. Keep your grades up!
When you meet with your advisor each semester, remind him/her that you plan on transferring. YOUR GRADES ARE IMPORTANT FROM THE START! Other colleges look at all of your grades.

3. Consider the environment that you want at your transfer college
What's important to you when thinking about a four-year school? Location? Size of school? Public vs. Private? Cost? Urban, Rural or Suburban campus setting?

4. Develop a list of colleges that suits you
The transfer counselors in Student Affairs can help you with this list. College searches are also available on the Internet at:
http://www.collegeview.com
http://www.nycareerzone.org
http://www.collegeboard.com
http://www.mycollegeguide.org
http://www.cgf.org

5. Research your college choices
With a list of five to ten colleges, begin detailed research by using the Internet at http://www.utexas.edu/world/univ/state/ . Check out the colleges' catalogs online. Talk to others about your choices. What are your priorities? Narrow your list to three to five schools where you would be happy attending.

6. Catalogs
Colleges have their catalogs and applications online, and oftentimes will waive the application fee if you apply online. If you graduate from SCCC, you can waive the application fee at any SUNY school.

7. Visit the campuses
If at all possible, it's important to visit the campuses to get a "feel" for campus life there. Is it right for you?

8. Set up an interview
Ask questions about transfer credits, financial aid, housing, meal plans, student life, and so on. Also ask how long it will take to finish your degree there.

9. Applications, Financial Aid, Transcripts, Essays and References

Apply online to three to five colleges, including one safety, one stretch and two matches.
Complete the FAFSA (and CSS profile, if required), and have it sent to all of the colleges you're applying to. DO THIS EARLY; the early applicants get most of the financial aid.
Go to our Registrar's Office and any other college you've attended and have your transcripts sent to all of the colleges you are applying to.
When writing your essays, be sure to personalize them to each school, and answer the essay question each college asks. Check and double-check your spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

The best recommendations come from college professors who can give accurate assessments of your academic abilities. Letters from parents, friends or significant others are not appropriate for this requirement.

10. Wait and decide

You made it! Relax and wait. Assess all of your offers and decide which one is the best for your personal circumstances. Send in the deposit and final transcript once you've decided. Now...celebrate!

For more information on a smooth transfer, please visit our website: http://www.sunysccc.edu/student/Counseling/TransferInfo.html

Question: Do you plan to transfer? How's the process going for you so far?

Sources: Dunn, Bernice. 10 Steps to an Easy Transfer (brochure)
http://chronicle.com/article/A-Third-of-Students-Transfer/130954/?sid=cc&utm_source=cc&utm_medium=en
http://collegecompletion.chronicle.com/

All images courtesy of Google Images unless otherwise noted.

Your Rights and Responsibilities as a College Student

Your life has no doubt changed significantly since you became a college student. Now that you're a young adult, you have more autonomy and the freedom to make important choices. You're developing mature, adult relationships. Professors are asking for your views on various topics. You have more school work than you ever expected, reading assignments that are enormous, and projects that seem monumental. You're trying to balance all of this with everything else you have to do in your life off-campus. And sometimes you feel irritated and overwhelmed; maybe to the point where you react and/or behave in ways that you might not under different circumstances.

It takes time to make a change, and the transition to the culture of a college campus is no different. Our job is to educate you so that you may reach your personal and career goals, and encourage you to be a person who will make a positive impact on our campus and the world. That said, the College also has many expectations of you; how we behave and treat each other is one of them.

I am amazed and appalled when students and other campus personnel tell me story after story about how someone screamed at a teacher or got in a student's face, a student who disrupted a classroom with swearing and a hissy fit, college property that was damaged willfully, others' belongings being stolen, and people getting stupid loud and inappropriately hanging all over each other in the Student Lounge. This is not high-school, people. It is expected that everyone will behave like responsible adults. Behaviors like those listed above are absolutely inappropriate and unacceptable on our campus. Period.

To help you understand, I've listed the rights and responsibilities that clearly explain appropriate conduct that everyone is expected to follow while on campus:

Your Rights Concerning Other Students and College Personnel:

The right to a clean, peaceful and non-threatening environment in which to learn.
The right to ask for help and support when it is needed, without worry of retribution.
The right to be present on campus without worry of being stalked or harassed.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern you.
The right to be present on campus without worry of criticism and judgment of your personal opinions.
The right to be present on campus without worry of emotional, psychological and/or physical threat and/or violence.
The right to be respectfully asked, rather than "ordered."
The right to be present on campus without worry of others' angry outbursts and rage.
The right to make a complaint if any of your rights have been violated, with the expectation that a solution will be found quickly.
The right to have your rights protected.

Your Responsibilities Concerning Other Students and College Personnel

You are responsible for helping to keep the campus clean, and behaving and speaking in a peaceful and non-threatening manner to create an environment conducive to learning.
You are responsible for treating college property with the utmost respect and will not cause intentional damage.
When asking for help and support, you will do so calmly, respectfully, using good manners.
You are responsible for behaving in ways that do not violate the rights of others in ways that they feel stalked or harassed. You are also responsible for reporting stalking or harassing behaviors directed to you, another student, or college employee.
When seeking clear and informative answers, ask a college employee to direct you to the appropriate source. If you still don’t understand, say so in a calm and mature manner.
You are responsible for reporting any inappropriate criticism and judgment. You will refrain from criticism and judgment of other students' or college employees’ personal opinions as well.
You are responsible for behaving in ways that do not threaten or harm any member of the campus community.
You are responsible for asking questions in respectful ways, and without a tone of "ordering."
You are responsible for behaving in ways that do not include angry outbursts and rage.
You are responsible for respecting and protecting the rights of every college community member.

Behaving appropriately will serve you well as you prepare for your new career, and fortunately, we give you many opportunities to learn and develop them while on campus. But what happens if one chooses not to abide by these rights and responsibilities? When violated, SCCC takes a zero-tolerance stand. Action will be taken. And the consequences can sometimes be very serious.

The SCCC Student Code of Conduct (CoC) was created to clearly explain the unacceptable behaviors that can occur on campus (or at an off-site campus-sponsored activity), and the consequences that are handed to students who choose to misbehave, which range from taking no action to expulsion for an indefinite amount of time from the college. A student who engages in illegal activities will be arrested. I recommend that if you haven't already done so, check out the CoC and get informed.

We understand the changes that are expected as one grows into adulthood can be crazy hard. There is much to learn and it takes time. Nevertheless, we are committed to protect the rights and responsibilities of everyone on our campus...including yours. We expect that you will do the same.

Source: http://www.sunysccc.edu/student/conduct.htm

[All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.]

Woot woot! It's Leap Day!

I always wondered what it would be like to have been born on Feb. 29th...it's a birthday that's rare and special. But when does someone born on Leap Day really celebrate their birthday? Every year on Feb. 28th or do they have a huge blow-out party every presidential election year?

Personally, I wouldn't want to wait every four years. No-siree-bob. My birthday is my favorite day of the year...even more than Christmas or Thanksgiving. Frankly, I'd have a party every six months, if I thought I could get away with it.

[Sorry...got off on a tangent there.]

Having an extra day every four years is a gift...especially for a college student. Twenty-four hours that you didn't have last year, or the year before that, or the year before that. What are you going to do with all that time?

Study for midterms?
Go to the Learning Center to get help with study skills and organizing your time better?
Join a study group? Start a study group?
Sign up for a tutor?
Meet with your professors during office hours?
Catch up on any reading, writing a paper,or doing homework you've been putting off?

Use this time well and productively. Midterms are looming, finals will be here before we know it, and we want you to be ready.

So...what are you waiting for? Hop to it!

[All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.]
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: A

Image: askinyourface.com

Acceptance

Accepting another person just as they are is powerful in a relationship. This can be done internally through thoughts, and externally through words and actions. Acceptance of perceived shortcomings and circumstances of the relationship can help you and your partner move forward in peace towards the kind of healthy partnership you want.

Unfortunately, new partners have the erroneous belief that, given enough time and effort, they can change the other. The truth is that there is nothing you can say or do to make anyone else change. Are you hearing me? Nothing. The only person you can change is yourself...that's where your control lies.

When you and your partner disagree, it is important to have strategies in place to allow you--together--to handle it in such a way that your relationship can grow stronger as a result. Yes, that's right. You and your partner can disagree...and the relationship can grow stronger as a result of how the two of you accomplish that disagreement. How can that be? The answer is acceptance.

Acceptance is key to creating harmony for--and between--the two of you. Acceptance means giving up the idea that there is only a "right way" and a "wrong way." Acceptance refers to looking at your differences from the viewpoint that there can be two right ways of doing things--which means that the two of you now have more possible solutions to work with.

Image: desibucket.com

Accommodation

Accommodation means that we understand and love our partner for who they basically really are, and we make adjustments for that. Our partner also returns the favor in kind. We all have bad days, and sometimes that means that we accept that in our partner and allow them be emotional from time-to-time. It can also mean that we make sense of the world differently than he/she does. For example, some people like to talk about everything, while others like to get quiet for a while and make sense of the issues on their own. Regardless of your individual style, it means that we agree that “you do it differently than I do and that’s okay. I love you just the same.”

Image: tribework.blogspot.com

Affection

Affection is the outward expression of care. Most often this demonstration is touching, kissing, gift giving, making love, doing favors such as preparing a favorite meal or creating artwork such as poetry or music. Affection usually occurs because the one giving affection can't contain the love they feel for the other person. That love compels them to act.

Affection is a deep, long-standing commitment to understand what your significant other’s needs are and the willingness to consistently strive to meet those needs. It is love in action, and is the daily motivation to build a strong and lasting relationship with another human being.

Affection produces feelings of intimacy, security, significance, and respect in a relationship. What results is the tender feelings that are often called love. It is a learned behavior and for many people, takes a considerable amount of effort to achieve. We are naturally born with the ability and desire to love, but affection takes work.

Be sure to give. Expect to receive. Tell your significant other if you feel you need something more or something different. It's that important.

Image: womenforchange.info

Affirmation

Affirmation comes in two modes: self-affirmation and affirming your partner. Acknowledging, appreciating and loving yourself as-is makes you not only an awesome, secure and stable person, but makes you a great catch. Find ways every day to think about all of the great qualities, talents and abilities you possess and tell yourself what a great person you are.

Partners who affirm (or validate) each other know how to effectively use this kind of “Relationship Glue.” Focus on your partner’s unique qualities that initially drew you to him/her, and what continues to amaze and intrigue you long after the bloom of new love fades. Verbalize your love for your spouse every day. A good way to do this is is to say to your partner, “Know what I love about you?” then tell him/her what it is.

There are many other ways to affirm your partner as well. You already do it--with words, how you say something, the way you look at and touch him/her. We all affirm our partners, sometimes without realizing it. Saying, "I love you" is a type of affirmation. Unfortunately, as relationships develop and begin focusing on the day-to-day responsibilities that often become priority, we tend to stop offering affirmations since we assume that our partner knows how we feel about him/her.

This is a mistake. If the "relationship glue" is not consistently replenished, your intimate bond will be in serious jeopardy of falling apart. My suggestion? Apply generously and liberally, and reapply on a regular basis.