HELP! What can I do to control my anxiety?

Image source

Automatic thoughts ignite our anxiety.  Automatic thoughts are those message we tell ourselves, such as 

“What if…?”

“I’ll never be able to do this.”

“Everyone is looking at me.”

“I’m not ready...”

You get the drill.  We all do this unconsciously and without forethought.

The reason why automatic thoughts are so damaging is that we believe what they tell us.  These knee-jerk internal messages have been ingrained in us over time, and they are difficult (but not impossible) to challenge and change.

A clinical method of challenging automatic thoughts is “the worst case scenario,” asking oneself, “If what I think is true, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”  Then, once you answer that, you ask yourself, “If THAT is true, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”  And you keep asking the question until you conclude that the initial anxiety-provoking message doesn’t hold true.  Then whatever is in front of you can be addressed.

Image Source

Fear of failure or looking stupid or inadequate can be debilitating.  We worry that we don’t know how to handle ourselves.  Another form of self-talk (called cognitive restructuring) is to remind yourself that you’ve done the task that's previously caused anxiety before, and mentally list when you’ve been successful in the same or similar situations.  The fear subsides when we remind ourselves that we really do know what we’re doing most of the time.

(c) 2017 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Reputation Building 101: Good work ethic

Image Source

My father was a man of few words.  But when he spoke, boy, he definitely had some good stuff to say.

When it came to the World-of-Work, he told my brothers and me that there were a few rules to follow when we eventually got jobs:
1.  Go when you're scheduled to work.  Even if you don't feel like it.  Your employer and co-workers depend on you being there.
2.  Arrive well before you have to clock-in.  Give yourself plenty of travel time in case you get a flat tire, or traffic gets backed up.
3.  Give all you've got to the work you're doing, because what you're producing is important to someone.
4.  Be nice to the secretaries, janitors and the cafeteria ladies.  If you are, you'll never have a problem at work because they're the ones who really run the place.
5.  Mind your manners.  You never know who you're talking to.
6.  Look like something.

These pearls of wisdom may sound dated, given the entitled attitudes I frequently am exposed to, but they are as relevant today as they were many years ago.

Image Source

Pop lived these rules all the years he worked as a milkman for several local dairies, and later as a master journeyman carpenter for the National Park Service.  His uniform was always perfect. He left an hour early to make sure he got to work on time, and stayed late if something needed to be finished.  He'd go to work even when he didn't feel well; I can remember him staying home from work on only two occasions:  when his best friend died, and when my youngest brother was born.  I heard him call his boss "Sir" and all of the ladies in the office "Ma'am."

After he retired, he always spoke of his work with fondness and great pride.  He knew he did the best job he could, and made his employer look good...the goal for every dedicated, engaged and successful employee.

A good work ethic is essential for crafting a good reputation, and will take you farther in your career than you can imagine...if you follow Pop's simple rules.


(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! What can I do to prevent feeling anxious in the mornings?

      

It's normal for everyone to sometimes feel anxious in the morning.  The typical reasons for morning anxiety is feeling rushed and unprepared.  Ever sleep through your alarm or realize that you have nothing clean to wear?

Image by © Bettmann/CORBIS

It’s important to recognize that the anxiety one feels while getting ready for the day and having an anxiety disorder are vastly different states of being.  In fact, a person being treated for an anxiety disorder can potentially feel less anxious in the morning than someone who doesn’t have the diagnosis.   Anxious symptoms worsen when the person feels rushed, unprepared, and not in a routine.  Below are some suggestions for getting organized, less hurried, and reducing your morning anxiety.
Prepare the night before:  at least two hours before bed:

• Lay out the next day’s clothing, and pack backpack or tote
• Make your lunch
• Make a to-do list

Image Source

Prepare the night before:  at least one hour before bed, begin a "wind-down" bedtime routine:

• Shower
• Get in your jammies
• Turn off all technology
• Have a warm beverage (no alcohol, though)
• Brush teeth
• Read a non-stimulating book or journal about your day/things for which you're grateful
• Set alarm to awaken in plenty of time to be unhurried in the morning
• Set bedtime at same time every evening; plenty of sleep can help ward off feeling stressed
• Make your bedroom dark and quiet to make falling asleep easier

Image Source

Morning routine:

• Get out of bed when the alarm goes off.  No hitting the snooze button!
• Make your bed
• Exercise/stretch
• Sit in a comfortable chair and meditate or pay attention to your breath for 5-10 minutes
• As you get dressed, keep a positive mindset about the day ahead
• Sit at your table and eat something for breakfast
• Look over the to-do list and prioritize your tasks
• Grab your lunch and backpack/tote and get out the door, leaving with plenty of extra time in case of a traffic jam, etc.
• Enjoy your anxiety-reduced day!

(c) 2017 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

How I Spent My Summer

What are you doing to help others?

Remember when on the first day of elementary and middle school your teacher would ask everyone to write about what they did over the summer? 

I always dreaded doing that assignment because we never went anywhere.  I did a lot of reading, playing with Barbies, organizing my closet, and getting my knees dirty in the garden.  I thought my essays always sounded so nerdy and lame when compared to classmates who traveled all over the country or went to camp. 

In hindsight, while our family couldn't afford to go away, the skills I gained learning how to keep busy and be productive are far more lasting than any boring trip or long-forgotten week at a camp.

Raise your hand...volunteer!

So how are you spending your summer or holiday break?  These times offer the perfect opportunity to get a job or volunteer for a company or organization that aligns with your program of study. 

Finding a job might be challenging in this economy.  However, volunteering offers innumerable opportunities to learn important transferable career skills, you'll meet other people who work in your field (great networking opp), looks great on a resume (shows you are interested in making your community a better place), and has been known to turn into an internship and/or full-time job.  Suh-weet!

Opportunities are everywhere!

Where do you find volunteer opps?  Every hospital and nursing home need volunteers to assist with patient- and non-patient care assignments.  Also, here are some volunteering links for the Capital District to get you started:







Volunteer Match:  http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/index.jsp?r=msa&l=13459

Albany.com:  http://www.albany.com/guide/community_volunteeropportunities.cfm

Simply Hired:  http://www.simplyhired.com/a/jobs/list/q-volunteer/l-albany,+ny

Albany County:  http://www.albanycounty.com/employment.asp



So will your summer be nerdy, lazy and lame, or will you talk about your  amazing and memorable experiences, how many people you helped, and the many career-building skills you've gained?


(c) Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Money Matters: Student Loans

Image Source

On the matter of taking out student loans,

Don't do it.  Just don't.

The exception is if you have a balance on your tuition and you need to buy books, borrow ONLY that amount and not a penny more.

Image Source

It's tempting to max-out your loans and be flush with money during the semester.  I did it. I borrowed every penny for which I was eligible. I didn't need the loans to pay my tuition or books; PELL and TAP took care of that.  But the temptation was strong, and I did it anyway. I racked up a total of over $25,000 in student loans by the time I was done with graduate school.

What did I do with all that money?  I bought a car, new clothes for me and my kids, bought Christmas presents, paid my rent, gave money to family and friends.  It was SO great to get those big checks every semester!

Looking back, though, I really wish I hadn't.  It took me over 15 years to pay it off.  

FIFTEEN YEARS.  

Image Source

Do you want to be paying off loans that you didn't need for 15, 20 or 30 years?

When I made my monthly loan payments (which took a huge chunk out of my paycheck, by the way), I was essentially still paying for that apartment I no longer lived in, a car I no longer owned, a stereo I got rid of a long time ago, clothes I no longer wear, and money I loaned that was never paid back.

What a waste.  What a HUGE mistake.

Image Source

If you've even remotely thought that you can get away from just not paying them back, beware.  If you default on your student loans, here's what will happen:

• The IRS will take all of your tax refunds until the loans are paid off (plus interest and collection fees)
• Your paycheck or wages will be garnished by the IRS
• If you collect Social Security or SSI, it will be garnished
• Your bank accounts can be frozen and drained by the government
• The federal government can sue you and you'll have to go to court
• You'll need to hire an attorney (BIG BUCKS)
• If you fail to appear for court, a warrant for your arrest will be created
• Don't believe me?  Read about what happened to this guy.
• Your credit score will tank (Read here to understand why this matters.)

When people fall on difficult financial times, one solution is to declare bankruptcy.  Since the passing of the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005, no student loan--private or federal--can be discharged (forgiven) in bankruptcy.  The only exception?  The person declaring bankruptcy must be able to prove that the debt repayment would cause "undue hardship," which is extremely difficulty to do except in case that the person is severely disabled.

There are alternatives to taking on student loan debt: 

• Consider attending part-time and pay out-of-pocket whatever financial aid doesn't cover.  
• Consider attending a community college where the education is equivalent to the first two years at any four-year school and the tuition is ridiculously low.  
• Consider waiting until you've saved enough money to afford college without having to take out loans.

Resist the temptation.  

PLEASE.  

It will be hard to do now, but you will be SO glad later.

Trust me on this one. 

(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! How do I know whether to agree to a second date?

First dates can be nerve-wracking.  Both people are nervous to some degree and the goal is to make a good first impression.  But how do you know whether to agree to a second date?  

Some good reasons include:

·         You had a good time

·         Your date made you laugh because you thought he/she was funny

·         Once the initial jitters went away, you felt comfortable and the conversation was pretty easy

·         Your date asked you lots of good, appropriate questions about yourself

·         At the end of your date, he/she expressed an interest in getting together again

That said, first dates can tank.  Best-laid plans fail, the weather turns lousy, one of you is late, and nerves get the best of you.  These are not necessarily deal-breakers, in my opinion.  Some things are just out of one’s control.  If your first date was a disaster or didn’t quite go as you’d hoped, consider:

·         Whether he/she made an effort to salvage the date (which demonstrates creativity, flexibility and resilience)

·         Whether your date found the humor in the situation and didn’t get upset (which demonstrates emotional maturity and tolerance for the unexpected)

·         Whether he/she expressed an interest in getting together again for a do-over

·         That you had good reasons for choosing to get to know this person better.  A crummy first date doesn’t change that.

A woman told me that a man she had met online was 45 minutes late for their first date.  To his credit, he called to let her know his dog had escaped and it took some time to capture it.  When the call ended, she was angry.  So angry, in fact, that she seriously considered abandoning their date at a nearby park and not seeing him again.  Her expectations of a “perfect” date were ruined, and she thought it was a “sign” that things couldn’t possibly go well.  

But she had really looked forward to meeting this guy in person because of their many online and phone discussions.  She decided to stick it out and make the best of it.  She grabbed a blanket from her trunk, spread it out under a shady tree, and used that time to relax and enjoy the beautiful weather while she waited.  He went above and beyond to make it up to her and they had a wonderful first date. 

If she hadn’t been willing to abandon her first-date expectations and give this guy the benefit of the doubt, she would have missed an awesome opportunity.  Long story short, they’re celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary this year.

So...when should you NOT go on a second date?  If that person exhibits or you learn that he/she possesses any of the dealbreakers on your list.  

No need to move forward.  



Next!







(c) 2017 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

HELP! Can a relationship be salvaged after a breakup?

My first reaction is...why would you want it to?

To be fair, it’s not completely impossible for a couple to get back together after breaking up.  The success of the reconciliation, however, hinges on a number of things:

Remember this:  your relationship will never be the same.  It shouldn’t be the same.  What you once had was broken…that’s why you broke up.

Understand that what you want to work on is not a pick-up-where-you-left-off version of the former relationship.  This is a new relationship altogether, so it’s imperative to go back to square-one and begin to get to know each other all over again.  You and your partner have changed not only since you first met, but since the breakup as well, and it will be helpful to know how those changes will impact the new relationship.

Do not live together during this process.  This is not the time for making your lives convenient by sharing the bills.  Keep your own homes and focus only on building something stronger and better than you had before.  A bonus is that if you both decide that the new relationship won’t work, the separation is a bit less difficult because no one has to move out.

If you’re not already in counseling, you must each find your own therapist and make the commitment to self-improvement.  You will identify how you contributed to the previous relationship’s demise.  Each of you will benefit from learning more about who you are and what you want, how to better communicate, how to feel good about yourself, and how to be a loving and supportive partner. 

Make an appointment for couples counseling.  Learn and practice improved communication techniques and how to deal with conflict in mutually-productive, non-violent and respectful ways.

Separately, list concrete examples of how you’ll know when the new relationship is working well (“Spends more quality time with me,” “No screaming or physical altercations,” “I feel trusted because my partner isn’t checking my social media accounts/looking through my purse or wallet,” “Discusses things in a calm and respectful way,” etc.)

Together, discuss and write down the reasons for the breakup (address behaviors only and do not shame your partner).  

Using this list, create a “relationship contract:” Establish ground-rules for how each person expects to be treated, and repair plans for when a rule is violated (example: a verbal, face-to-face apology is given).  Make sure to include ways each of you can help the other feel cared for, respected, and how to make the relationship a priority in both of your lives (date night once a week/month, etc.). 

Set a three-month “contract renewal” date.  You’ll need at least this long to practice your new skills and behaviors.  Evaluate what’s working well and which parts of the contract need revising.  Three-month “check-ins” are a great tool to help keep the relationship moving in a positive direction. 

(c) 2017 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

RAK: Random Acts of Kindness (If cats can be kind, so can you)

(c) 2012-2017 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Reputation Building 101: Don't cry over spilled milk.

When : Always February 11th

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day is in recognition that life can put us off course sometimes...throw a wrench into the works...places a huge mountain on our path.   It's a day to be optimistic, think positive, look on the bright side, and to find something good in everything that happens to us. 

Today is a day to recognize that s#!t happens, and when it does, don't waste your time and energy having a hissy-fit or getting angry.  Instead, take a positive attitude, find the hidden lesson and move on to something better.

Source

(c) 2014-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: Valentine's Day...To gift or not to gift...that is the question.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I started thinking about why this holiday is such a big deal.  Why should we be expected to produce a card, flowers, candy or jewelry on February 14th to show loved ones how much they mean to us?  Does the amount of money spent on gifts reflect the depth of feelings for the recipient? 

I have a theory about the motivations for gift giving: 

1) People who feel obligated to give flowers or candy are typically resentful about it. 
2) Feelings of guilt come into play if there's no money to buy a gift or if it’s not what he/she would like to give as a gift.  The worry, then, is that a huge argument will ensue and will result in the relationship ending.
3) Another worry is what the gift represents; is it a reflection of wanting to move the relationship forward, is it a representation of one person feeling less than the other person?
4) "If I do this for him/her, then I expect [fill in the blank]."

I think that a lot of money is needlessly spent just because everyone else is doing it on that one day.
 
What's often forgotten is if you care about someone, let him/her know daily.  It would make more sense to surprise your  partner with tokens of affection on a regular basis and not on a holiday.

Some no-cost/low-cost ideas to surprise your sweetie include:

• Watching a movie on Netflix, while eating pizza by candlelight
• Hiking in the Adirondacks
• Getting up early to watch the sun rise together
• Writing a thank-you letter expressing your appreciation for all your partner does for you
• Getting his car washed and vacuumed
• Making her dinner...and doing all the clean-up, too

The pressure of spending big on Valentine's Day is because the greeting card, restaurant, candy and flower industries tell us we SHOULD.  Save your hard-earned dough and spread the love every day. 

(c)2011-16 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.