Attending college can have a profound effect on one's life. It is a time of personal growth and development that has the potential for producing both short and long range achievements. It is also a period of significant adjustment, whether you are coming to college directly from high school, or as an older adult student who has been away from school for a while. Regardless of your unique circumstances, you will probably find the college experience to be exciting and stimulating but at the same time challenging, as you are faced with many academic, personal and social responsibilities. Sometimes finding a way to balance everything you have to do causes distress or interferes with your day-to-day living.
difficulty concentrating or completing academic tasks
poor academic performance
test anxiety
family or relationship problems
exploring a career change and/or program change
procrastination and other self-defeating behaviors/habits
issues of grief and loss
difficulty with a professor or another student
difficulty managing stress
transferring to another college
coping with traumatic events
domestic violence or sexual assault
depression or lack of motivation
anxiety
problems with alcohol or other substances
issues with eating behaviors and/or body image
problems with managing anger
In sum, people seek counseling to find ways to better manage their everyday problems. This blog will address many of the issues that cause people distress.
QUESTION: Have you ever sought counseling? If so, was it helpful? If you needed or wanted to but didn't, what kept you from doing so?
Jeez...If a therapist who looked like him said that to me, I'd be totally freaked out and would run screaming for the hills. As I explained earlier in what counseling is and what it is not, people have deeply-rooted opinions about counseling...most of them based on the opinions of others and not necessarily from personal experience. Here's the top ten reasons why people avoid going to counseling, and my responses to their erroneous views. 1. What’s happening in my life is nobody’s business but mine. Response: False. Your life and your choices have dramatic effects on others. Like dropping a pebble in a pond, your behaviors and decisions have a ripple effect that impacts your family, friends, classmates, professors and coworkers. You can find comfort in knowing that counselors are bound by their professional code of ethics (not to mention state law) to preserve confidentiality...so in essence, your business will still be your business...and it won't be discussed around the watercooler. 2. If we’re at a point where we need to get counseling, the relationship is too far gone. Response: False. This is like saying that if you break your arm, you might as well go ahead and get both of them amputated. Recognizing that there are problems in a relationship, and wanting to work together on a solution is actually healthy, and are very good reasons to go to counseling, either separately or together. Many relationship issues can be resolved by learning new ways to communicate, establishing healthy boundaries and working on mutually-agreed-upon goals as a couple. 3. Counseling doesn’t work. Response: Sometimes true. What matters more are the reasons why it doesn’t work: most of the time when counseling doesn’t work, it is because the person resists the process, and even sabotages it. Counseling is only as successful as the work that's put into it by both the counselor and the person in counseling. It takes time, patience, courage and practicing new ways of behaving over a period of time before the person really begins to feel better. 4. People are mysterious and there’s no way to really know what’s happening inside of them. Response: True. It is true that people are mysterious, but counselors don't have special powers to unlock the hidden secrets deep inside us. Rather, they use proven ways of helping people make adjustments so they can live more peacefully and comfortably. 5. I’ve been to counselors before. They’re just going to get me on medication. Response: Most counselors are not qualified to prescribe meds. One needs to be a medical doctor or psychiatric nurse practitioner to do that. However, counselors appreciate how combining counseling with medication can produce effective results and symptom relief. The point is to use whatever will best help you to move forward, to feel better, and to make genuine progress. Whether you go on medication is ultimately your choice. 6. Counselors are quacks. Response: Of course some are...every profession has quacks. But every profession also has its share of highly skilled professionals. Ask your counselor about their credentials (this is a reasonable question). Spend time assessing whether the counselor you meet with really cares about you, listens more than he/she talks, and wants to partner with you in finding solutions to what's troubling you. If you meet with a counselor and you don't think it's a good fit, make an appointment with another one and try again. 7. I don't want to cry in front of a stranger. Response: This is a common worry. Counselors are trained to help people feel comfortable enough to talk about what's concerning them, and when those issues are painful, people cry. We cry when we are in pain, fear we are alone, or that no one has ever had this problem to this degree. These are all absolutely appropriate reasons to shed tears. You should know, also, that crying is actually a very healthy way to rid your body of stress hormones and pent-up anxiety. I assure you that there will be a box of tissues nearby for you to wipe your eyes and blow your nose. And any counselor worth their salt won't think you're weird or a cry-baby...they'll think you're human. 8. It’s going to be weird. Response: Probably. Everything new feels weird at first. That has nothing to do with whether it’s the right idea or not. As with any new experience, once you get comfortable with the counselor you're talking with, the weirdness dissolves. 9. I went to counseling once and it didn’t help. Response: Once? Really? It takes years to develop behaviors that make us feel stuck, and can take many months to unlearn old ways of thinking and behaving, and learn newer, healthier ways to get unstuck. Humans are creatures of habit and fear and resist change every chance we get. Learning new ways of thinking and behaving is hard work that takes time, and sometimes people get impatient and are fearful of doing something different because they don't know how it will turn out. But if one is committed to making important changes or decisions, a counselor can be a significant source of support and encouragement. 10. I don’t need/can’t afford counseling. Response: Most people need counseling at some point, and probably at multiple points. Sometimes we just can't get through a difficult circumstance because the coping strategies or problem-solving skills that used to work no longer do. At times when we need to make a decision that will have a significant impact on our lives, it can help to have someone to sort it out. Counseling can help you take personal responsibility for the path your life takes, help you to better understand yourself, and make healthy, appropriate choices. As for affording it, The Wellness and Support Services office can provide you with a list of nearby agencies and counselors who take insurances as well as cash. (c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson
Kimberly Zapata writes about depression on The Mighty, a website dedicated to educating the general public on the myths and realities of living with a mental illness. She recently posted this very well-written and clear explanation of the difference between depression and sadness. Here are her words, as I couldn't have said them better:
I’ve received a lot of mental health advice over the last 20 years, and while the vast majority of said advice has been helpful, one troublesome comment keeps coming up.
“Aw, it’s OK. You’ll snap out of it; I mean, everyone gets depressed.”
Make no mistake: I know these words are well-intentioned. They are meant to lift my spirits and remind me I am OK, I will be OK and I am not alone. But every time I hear them, I cringe because they are not true.
They could not be further from the truth.
You see, depression isn’t a “bad day.” It isn’t a bad moment, a bad week, and everyone does not “get depressed” because depression is a mental illness — an illness which you cannot “shake,” you cannot “snap out of,” and you cannot wish away. Depression is not something you can will away.
That said, many use the word “depressed” to convey extreme sadness. In fact, the phrase “I’m depressed” may actually be more be common than “I’m sad.” The good news is this shift in vernacular has led to an unconscious shift in how we feel about depression and what we think. But depression and sadness are not the same thing. Feeling depressed is not the same as having depression, and by saying things like this we make things more complicated, we make things more confusing, we take away the seriousness of the illness, we minimize the illness and we make the person who has it feel as though it is all in their head — a feeling they could, and should, be able to shake.
The biggest differences between sadness and depression: 1. Sadness is a feeling; depression is an illness.
Sadness is an emotion, one of sorrow or pain, which almost always has an underlying cause or outside trigger — i.e. death, divorce, job loss, medical diagnosis, etc. Depression, however, is a serious medical illness which can be “caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors.” While the symptoms of depression can be intensified by an external factor, like those named above, these events do not always cause depression.
2. Sadness may take away your desire to smile, but depression will take away your ability.
I hate to use the word “normal” — since who defines what is or is not normal — but sadness is a normal emotion. It is a feeling we have in response to disappointment, or in response to hearing generally unpleasant, and sometimes tragic, news. Sadness can be felt when you lose a loved one, when you lose your job, when your friends cancel plans or when your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you. In short, sadness occurs when you are hurt. It comes in waves, and while sadness can linger, it is temporary.
Sadness will fade, but depression can be constant. It is comprised of a series of symptoms ranging from extreme sadness and negative thinking to emptiness, hopelessness, worthlessness and numbness. Depression can cause sleeping problems, eating problems and concentration issues, and these symptoms are present, in one form or another, every minute of every day because happy thoughts cannot cure depression. Faith, money and love cannot cure depression. Depression can only be treated and managed.
That said, it is a misconception that those who are depressed are perpetually sad and constantly crying. While these symptoms are common in the grips of a major depressive episode, for most, these feelings may not be experienced on a weekly or even monthly basis. Instead, it is the other symptoms that make up their day-to-day life.
3. Everyone experiences sadness and grief but…
When loneliness persists, sadness sticks and dismal feelings linger — when you become a shell of who you once were — you should consider something more may be at work, especially if you can’t “snap out of it.” Because there is no “snapping out of it” or “pulling yourself together” when you a struggling with depression. Even with the right medication. Even with all of the “tools.”
To further drive home the differences, Cortnee Deyarmin created this very well-done video explanation:
"She hurt me so badly...I'll never get over this."
"I deserve an apology."
"I'll never forgive him for that."
Forgiveness for wrongs others have done to us is a hurdle many people have great difficulty getting over. Most of us believe the world should be fair, honest and good, and when it's not, we think that apologies and restitution should automatically follow. Only then can forgiveness truly be given.
Unfortunately, that's not how it works. People hurt us. We expect The Offender to acknowledge what they've done and do everything in their power to make it better. So we wait. And wait. And wait. And it never comes. In moments of weakness, we become The Offender and hurt others. We know what we've done, and we're ashamed deep down. It's so hard to believe and admit that we've inflicted pain, and we might want to apologize, but just can't find the words. Time passes and it seems like it's too late to say "I'm sorry." OR We don't care about the aftermath over what we've done because we believe the other person deserved what they got. Regardless of which side of the pain you're on, you'll never get past it without forgiving the other and yourself. So why is it so effin' hard to do? Because people misunderstand what forgiveness is and what it is not.
FACT: Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior. It's about accepting that regretful things happened, remembering that the past cannot be changed, and most importantly, not allowing your life to be defined by the hurt that was inflicted.
FACT: Forgiveness is about the person holding onto the bitterness. It’s about releasing the negativity that keeps you stuck in the past.
FACT: Even if the other person does not deserve your forgiveness, you do. You no longer need to be defined by the wrongdoing of others.
FACT: Forgiveness does not mean allowing The Offender to continue to hurt you. Set limits regarding how you expect to be treated, and if the other person won't honor those boundaries, end that relationship. FACT: Being unforgiving allows The Offender to continue to have control over how you live it. FACT: Forgiveness opens your heart to healing and loving again, making it available to have wonderful people and experiences fill it. FACT: Mistakes are opportunities to learn how to do things better. If you have hurt others, find the lesson, make amends to the ones you've hurt, and move on wiser than before. And while you're forgiving The Offender, forgive yourself for not being healthier back then. Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know that which might be so obvious now. You didn't know what you didn't know. Source: Judy Belmont
People are more
intuitive than they give themselves credit for.
We “know” when something is amiss; we get a feeling in the pit of our
stomachs that alerts us to danger or when something is just not right.
I
tell people to trust what they feel and take action.
Open,
honest communication is essential to all human relationships. Taking a direct (but compassionate) approach
to sharing concerns with one’s partner is best.
A good way to start the conversation is by using “I-statements.” For example:
“I’m
concerned. I’ve been noticing that you’ve
been distant lately and seem unhappy. I’m
wondering whether our relationship is the reason.”
“I’m
worried about you. I’ve noticed that you
seem depressed.”
Note
that these are statements and not questions, which tend to put others on the defense. Share your observations without probing, and give your partner an
opportunity to respond.
If your partner rebuffs
what you’ve said, give concrete examples of what you’ve witnessed, and share
how you came to your conclusion.Offer
the opportunity to discuss what’s going on, even if you have to put it off for an hour or even the next day.Give them a little time and space to respond, to gather their thoughts;
maybe there’s something going on that they want to discuss but are afraid or
ashamed to.
A caveat to this,
obviously, is if your partner has mentioned thoughts of suicide, homicide or performing
other forms of violence, get him/her to the nearest emergency room for a
complete mental health evaluation.If
they refuse to go, call 911 and ask the police for assistance. Your partner may get angry, but taking this action could save their life and connect them with the support they need.
Automatic
thoughts ignite our anxiety.
Automatic thoughts are those message we tell ourselves,
such as
“What if…?”
“I’ll
never be able to do this.”
“Everyone
is looking at me.”
“I’m
not ready...”
You
get the drill. We all do this
unconsciously and without forethought.
The
reason why automatic thoughts are so damaging is that we believe what they tell
us. These knee-jerk internal messages have
been ingrained in us over time, and they are difficult (but not impossible) to
challenge and change.
A
clinical method of challenging automatic thoughts is “the worst case scenario,”
asking oneself, “If what I think is true, what’s the worst thing that could
happen?” Then, once you answer that, you
ask yourself, “If THAT is true, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” And you keep asking the question until you conclude
that the initial anxiety-provoking message doesn’t hold true. Then whatever is in front of you can be addressed.
Fear
of failure or looking stupid or inadequate can be debilitating. We worry that we don’t know how to handle
ourselves. Another form of self-talk (called
cognitive restructuring) is to remind yourself that you’ve done the task
that's previously caused anxiety before, and mentally list when you’ve been successful in
the same or similar situations. The fear
subsides when we remind ourselves that we really do know what we’re doing most of the time.
My father was a man of few words. But when he spoke, boy, he definitely had some good stuff to say.
When it came to the World-of-Work, he told my brothers and me that there were a few rules to follow when we eventually got jobs: 1. Go when you're scheduled to work. Even if you don't feel like it. Your employer and co-workers depend on you being there. 2. Arrive well before you have to clock-in. Give yourself plenty of travel time in case you get a flat tire, or traffic gets backed up. 3. Give all you've got to the work you're doing, because what you're producing is important to someone. 4. Be nice to the secretaries, janitors and the cafeteria ladies. If you are, you'll never have a problem at work because they're the ones who really run the place. 5. Mind your manners. You never know who you're talking to. 6. Look like something. These pearls of wisdom may sound dated, given the entitled attitudes I frequently am exposed to, but they are as relevant today as they were many years ago.
Pop lived these rules all the years he worked as a milkman for several local dairies, and later as a master journeyman carpenter for the National Park Service. His uniform was always perfect. He left an hour early to make sure he got to work on time, and stayed late if something needed to be finished. He'd go to work even when he didn't feel well; I can remember him staying home from work on only two occasions: when his best friend died, and when my youngest brother was born. I heard him call his boss "Sir" and all of the ladies in the office "Ma'am." After he retired, he always spoke of his work with fondness and great pride. He knew he did the best job he could, and made his employer look good...the goal for every dedicated, engaged and successful employee. A good work ethic is essential for crafting a good reputation, and will take you farther in your career than you can imagine...if you follow Pop's simple rules.
It's normal for everyone to sometimes feel anxious in the morning. The typical reasons for morning anxiety is feeling rushed and unprepared. Ever sleep through your alarm or realize that you have nothing clean to wear?
It’s important to recognize that the anxiety one feels while getting ready for the day and having an anxiety disorder are vastly different states of being. In fact, a person being treated for an anxiety disorder can potentially feel less anxious in the morning than someone who doesn’t have the diagnosis. Anxious symptoms worsen when the person feels rushed, unprepared, and not in a routine. Below are some suggestions for getting organized, less hurried, and reducing your morning anxiety. Prepare the night before: at least two hours before bed:
Lay
out the next day’s clothing, and pack backpack or tote
Remember when on the first day of elementary and middle school your teacher would ask everyone to write about what they did over the summer?
I always dreaded doing that assignment because we never went anywhere. I did a lot of reading, playing with Barbies, organizing my closet, and getting my knees dirty in the garden. I thought my essays always sounded so nerdy and lame when compared to classmates who traveled all over the country or went to camp.
In hindsight, while our family couldn't afford to go away, the skills I gained learning how to keep busy and be productive are far more lasting than any boring trip or long-forgotten week at a camp.
So how are you spending your summer or holiday break? These times offer the perfect opportunity to get a job or volunteer for a company or organization that aligns with your program of study.
Finding a job might be challenging in this economy. However, volunteering offers innumerable opportunities to learn important transferable career skills, you'll meet other people who work in your field (great networking opp), looks great on a resume (shows you are interested in making your community a better place), and has been known to turn into an internship and/or full-time job. Suh-weet!
Where do you find volunteer opps? Every hospital and nursing home need volunteers to assist with patient- and non-patient care assignments. Also, here are some volunteering links for the Capital District to get you started:
So will your summer be nerdy, lazy and lame, or will you talk about your amazing and memorable experiences, how many people you helped, and the many career-building skills you've gained?
On the matter of taking out student loans, Don't do it. Just don't. The exception is if you have a balance on your tuition and you need to buy books, borrow ONLY that amount and not a penny more.
It's tempting to max-out your loans and be flush with money during the semester. I did it. I borrowed every penny for which I was eligible. I didn't need the loans to pay my tuition or books; PELL and TAP took care of that. But the temptation was strong, and I did it anyway. I racked up a total of over $25,000 in student loans by the time I was done with graduate school. What did I do with all that money? I bought a car, new clothes for me and my kids, bought Christmas presents, paid my rent, gave money to family and friends. It was SO great to get those big checks every semester! Looking back, though, I really wish I hadn't. It took me over 15 years to pay it off. FIFTEEN YEARS.
Do you want to be paying off loans that you didn't need for 15, 20 or 30 years? When I made my monthly loan payments (which took a huge chunk out of my paycheck, by the way), I was essentially still paying for that apartment I no longer lived in, a car I no longer owned, a stereo I got rid of a long time ago, clothes I no longer wear, and money I loaned that was never paid back. What a waste. What a HUGE mistake.
If you've even remotely thought that you can get away from just not paying them back, beware. If you default on your student loans, here's what will happen:
The IRS will take all of your tax refunds until the loans are paid off (plus interest and collection fees)
Your paycheck or wages will be garnished by the IRS
If you collect Social Security or SSI, it will be garnished
Your bank accounts can be frozen and drained by the government
The federal government can sue you and you'll have to go to court
You'll need to hire an attorney (BIG BUCKS)
If you fail to appear for court, a warrant for your arrest will be created
Don't believe me? Read about what happened to this guy.
Your credit score will tank (Read here to understand why this matters.)
When people fall on difficult financial times, one solution is to declare bankruptcy. Since the passing of the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005, no student loan--private or federal--can be discharged (forgiven) in bankruptcy. The only exception? The person declaring bankruptcy must be able to prove that the debt repayment would cause "undue hardship," which is extremely difficulty to do except in case that the person is severely disabled.
There are alternatives to taking on student loan debt:
Consider attending part-time and pay out-of-pocket whatever financial aid doesn't cover.
Consider attending a community college where the education is equivalent to the first two years at any four-year school and the tuition is ridiculously low.
Consider waiting until you've saved enough money to afford college without having to take out loans.
Resist the temptation.
PLEASE.
It will be hard to do now, but you will be SO glad later.
