Soft Skills Hack: Improving Your Communication Skills

In my line of work, having well-developed communication skills is a requirement.  Counselors are trained to be active listeners, reiterate what we hear the other person has said, and to respond without giving advice or bringing our opinions or feelings into it.

The result is open, mutually-respectful communication where both people feel heard and understood, and a positive rapport develops between us.  It's human nature that we all want to be heard and understood.

Unfortunately, I estimate that about 95% of the difficulties students come to me with are directly related to poor or inadequate communication.  No joke. 

The tough part is that most (if not all) people think they're great communicators, but that high percentage I just quoted blows that mindset out of the water.

There are three relatively simple steps to improve how we communicate with others.

Listen actively.  This means that you are listening only to what the other person is saying.  You're not up in your head, thinking of the next thing to say (you can't listen and think at the same time--trust me on this one).  You're paying attention to the words and the feelings that are wrapped around them.  Look directly at them, and show your interest in what they're saying.

Summarize.  You simply restate what the person has said.  A good way of doing this is, "If I heard you correctly, you said ___________."  This shows the other person that you really did hear what he/she said, gives them the opportunity to either correct you or fill in anything that you might have missed.  (If he/she is going on for a bit, stop them politely by saying, "Hold on...I want to make sure I'm hearing everything you've said so far.  Am I correct that you said ________?" Then ask them to continue.)

Respond only to what the other person has said, without giving advice or sharing your feelings or opinions.  This is where it gets a little difficult.  We're so accustomed to solving problems, telling others what we think is right, and how we feel about things.  But when we do this, we are actually breaking down that communication with the other person.

This video (courtesy of http://www.rhemaresourcecentre.com/) does a very good job at further explaining these techniques (Note:  the video content actually ends at 2 minutes and 30 seconds.)

Here's a conversation between good friends done in two ways (see if you can choose the better way of communication):

VERSION ONE
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  Yeah, she's a b&*%$.  My brother took my PS3 and spilled soda on it and now it's a piece of crap.  He's always pulling crap like that.  I hate him.  My parents are always up my butt, too.  I need to move out and get my own place.
Lucy:  Are you listening to me?
Charlie:  Uh, yeah, right.  What were we talking about?
Lucy:  How much I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  Right.  I think you should go in her room, trash it, take one of her shirts and slice it up, then leave it on her bed.  That'll teach her not to mess with your stuff.
Lucy:  You're a whack job, Charlie Brown.  Later. 

VERSION TWO
Lucy:  I hate my roommate!
Charlie:  What happened?
Lucy:  She borrowed clothes without asking and ruined one of my shirts.  I hate her!
Charlie:  I can tell you're really mad at her for not asking your permission and then ruining your shirt.
Lucy:  Yeah, I'm mad!  It was my favorite shirt.  I hate that she does stuff like that.
Charlie:  I can relate.  No one likes to be disrespected.
Lucy:  You hit it on the head.  She disrespects me all the time and I don't know what to do.
Charlie:  What do you think you could do to let her know how you feel?
Lucy:  I need to talk to her...and maybe change the lock on my room.
Charlie:  Talking to her?  Changing the lock?  I think those are good ideas.
Lucy:  Thanks, Charlie.

As corny as these examples may seem, you can see the huge difference in how they ended.  Lucy felt heard and understood, and appreciated Charlie's support in the second version.  He validated her feelings, and instead of giving her advice or his opinion, he let her come up with a solution that would work for HER.  Their friendship is a little bit stronger as a result.


You, too, can improve your communication skills by trying these techniques.  As a result, you will notice that you'll have fewer disagreements and arguments, and your relationships with be stronger and healthier.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Keeping the balls in the air: Juggling college with the rest of your life

We all lead busy lives.  (I know...duh.)  We have many responsibilities to ourselves and others that take up a good deal of our time.  Having a full-time job, a spouse or significant other, kids, going out with friends, volunteer activities, caring for a sick family member...all of these contribute to our very full schedules.  Don't you sometimes wonder how we get it all done in the 168 hours we're alloted every week?

When we make the decision to pursue a college education, we're adding a HUGE task to juggle with the rest.  How do college students manage to keep all the balls in the air?  The truth is, they can't and don't, and in all honesty, they shouldn't expect to.  Some things simply have to take a back seat when you go to college.  For reals.

I realize that statement is one you probably didn't want to hear.  We're expected to "do it all" and "git 'er done," and be all things to all people, but it's virtually impossible when you choose to come to college.  So how does one make the best of it?  There are three keys to getting everything done with your sanity intact:  setting priorities, time management, and organization.

Setting priorities is the first thing to do.  Make a list of everything that you have to do in any particular week.  Include things like work, commuting to work and campus, the kids' activities, class time, laundry, sleep, study time, household chores, grocery shopping, recreational activities, etc.  Then put a "1" next to the five most important things that must be done by you--in other words, no one else can do it.  (Note:  it is assumed that "doing well in and finishing college" is a "1.")  Put a "2" next to the three important tasks that you need to do, but with less urgency.  Finally, put a "3" next to the three tasks that, if you didn't do them, your life wouldn't fall apart.  Now...do you have any items that didn't get assigned a number?  Delegate these to a family member or friend, or perhaps they can be put on hold indefinitely.

Time management is the next hurdle to tackle.  You will need a weekly planner, and a monthly calendar that you can hang on the wall.  Now that you have your tasks prioritized, you can begin to schedule them (yes, I said schedule) in your planner and on the wall calendar.  Start with the "1's" and then the "2's".  When finding study time in your week, remember to allow 2 hours of study for every credit you're taking.  If you're registered for 15 credits, you need to find 30 hours every week to study; six credits requires 12 hours of study time.  Take all of your course syllabi (outlines) and write in all of your quizzes, exams, and research paper due dates.  If you have kids who are school-aged, include their vacation weeks (be sure you have reliable child-care--and a reliable backup--because our college vacations do not coincide with the public school calendars).

Take a look at your planner.  Is there enough time to get your priority tasks done?  Yes?  Great.  No?  Then you need to go back to your priority list and either get rid of something or delegate it for someone else to do.  Do you need to cut your hours at work?  Will you have to turn down the invitation to be your kid's homeroom parent?  Say no to going out every Saturday night, shopping or taking a trip?

You may find sticking to this super-tight schedule to be difficult because you're not accustomed to it.  It will help if you make a habit of looking at your calendar at least 3 times each day:  when you first wake up, in the middle of the day, and after dinner.  If you stay with it, in time it will feel like second nature...eventually you won't be able to function without your planner!  (If you need additional assistance with time management, visit the Learning Center in Elston 528.)

The last step is getting organized.  Now that you know how your time is being spent each week, choose a day (Sunday, perhaps?) to get ready for the rest of the week.  Put together the clothes you and your kids will wear each day so no time will be wasted wondering what to put on.  Get your backpack ready so you can walk out the door on time.  Plan your meals and perhaps get acquainted with how to use a Crock-Pot, or cook all of your

meals ahead of time so they can be warmed up later.  Look over this week's schedule...do you have a quiz or a paper due?  A doctor's appointment?  Do you need to arrange transportation for yourself or the kids?  Get all of your prep work for the week completed, so you'll feel less stressed and ready to tackle your busy schedule.

Another very important way to stay organized is to find a dedicated space where you will do homework, write your papers, complete reading assignments and study...uninterrupted.  Whether it's in your home office, bedroom, the Learning Center or Library, find one place where you won't be bothered and go there when your schedule tells you to.  It's absolutely impossible to get any school work done when the television is blasting, you're trying to get the kids to bed, or the phone won't stop ringing.  You need a quiet space to help you do the best work you're capable of.  One more thing...be sure you have everything you need to get your work done, such as paper, pens, textbook, laptop.  Turn off the phone and get crackin'.

Coming to college will no doubt put you closer to your personal and career goals, but it is an enormous addition to our already-busy lives.  Setting your priorities, effectively managing your time and staying organized will help keep most of the balls in the air.

QUESTION:  How do you manage your life?

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

When the glass is half-full: The benefits of living with a positive attitude

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."  (Winston Churchill)

Attending college is an awesome and wonderful experience, yet it causes a lot of anxiety and worry for many students.  You may worry about being able to cut it, whether you've got what it takes to see it all the way through to graduation (let alone to the end of the semester).  In a nutshell...

Having a positive attitude helps you to cope more easily with the rigors and responsibilities of college and the daily affairs of your personal life. Being positive brings optimism into your experience, and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. If you adopt it as a way of thinking and behaving, a positive attitude will bring constructive changes into your life, and make them happier, brighter and more successful. With a positive attitude you see the bright side of life, become optimistic and expect the best to happen. It is certainly a state of mind that is well worth developing and strengthening.

A positive attitude manifests in the following ways: 

• Positive thinking.
• Constructive thinking.
• Creative thinking.
• Expecting success.
• Optimism.
• Motivation to accomplish your goals.
• Being inspired.
• Choosing happiness.
• Not giving up.
• Looking at failure and problems as blessings in disguise.
• Believing in yourself and in your abilities.
• Displaying self-esteem and confidence.
• Looking for solutions.
• Seeing opportunities.

A positive attitude leads to happiness and success and can change your whole life. If you look at the bright side of life, it will impact everything you do. This affects not only you and the way you look at the world, but your whole environment and the people around you...it becomes contagious.

"Yeah, right.  What's in it for me?"

• Helps achieving goals and attaining success.
• Success achieved faster and more easily.
• More happiness.
• More energy.
• Greater inner power and strength.
• The ability to inspire and motivate yourself and others.
• Fewer difficulties encountered along the way.
• The ability to overcome any difficulty.
• Life smiles at you.
• People respect you.

A negative attitude says: you cannot achieve success.  A positive attitude says: You can.

If you've been struggling with a negative attitude, expecting (and experiencing) failure and difficulties, it's now time to change the way you think. You can get rid of negative thoughts and behavior and replace them with ones that are positive and hopeful. You can start today.  Right now.  (If you have tried before and failed, try again.)

Where do you start?

• Choose to be happy.
• Make a list of everything you're good at.  Practice telling other people about your many talents!
• Make a list of all of your accomplishments and feel proud!
• Look at the bright side of life.  What have you got going for you?
• Choose to be and stay optimistic.
• Find reasons to smile more often. (Added benefit:  less wrinkles when you smile!)
• Have faith in yourself...focus on what you can do!
• Surround yourself with happy, hopeful and positive people.  Keep away from people who put you down and don't believe in you.
• Read inspiring stories.  (Start here.)
• Read inspiring quotes.  (Try some of these.)
• Repeat affirmations that inspire and motivate you.  (Dr. Wayne Dyer is awesome.)
• Visualize only those positive goals and dreams you want to happen. (Make a Vision Board.)
• Learn to control your thoughts.  Say (to yourself and out loud) "I can..." and "I will..."
• Learn concentration and meditation.

Start with baby steps.  One day at a time.  Celebrate your small successes in the process.  Following even only one of the above suggestions will bring you a bit closer to a glass that's half-full.

(c) 2011 Robyn M Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Personal Space Etiquette

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Have you ever stood next to someone who doesn’t understand the concept of personal space? There you are, minding your own business and next thing you know you feel someone’s breath on the back of your neck, or they're standing so close you can tell what they ate for lunch.  Don't you wish you could just say, "Hey, buddy, you need to back the [bleep] up"?

Your personal space is like an invisible bubble that surrounds you.  If people move inside this bubble when they are walking nearby, sitting next to or talking to you, it probably makes you feel uncomfortable.  And when you invade others' bubbles in similar ways, you can be certain you're creeping them out, too.  These are direct violations of personal boundaries.  Knowing the appropriate space limits in dealing with others is an important soft skill to learn, both on campus, at work and in your personal life.

We'll look at the different bubble sizes, whether it always stays the same size, and tips to protect your personal space and how to respect others' as well.
 
Anthropologist and proxemics expert Edward T. Hall has broken down the distances of personal territory ("bubbles") for U.S. Americans into four areas:

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Important factors to consider:

• The bubble is larger if you are talking to a stranger.
• The better you know the person you're talking to, the smaller the bubble may be.
• The bubble is usually larger for two men than for two women.
• The bubble may be very small for a man and a woman if they are in a relationship.
• The bubble may be larger than normal for a man and a woman who are strangers to each other.
• The bubble size may differ for different cultures.

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When two people are having an argument, often the first thing one of them will do is move in close, invading the other person's personal space. This is interpreted by that other person as aggression. The term for this, literally, is “getting in someone’s face.” There are many things that can affect how big a person's personal space is at any given time. 

Circumstances
As well as the individual factors mentioned above, the circumstances in which you find yourself may also affect the size of your bubble. You might find yourself much closer to a stranger you are talking to at a club, for instance, or standing in line at the bank.  You might also have a very large bubble if you are not used to talking to strangers, but have a much smaller bubble if you are an extrovert.

Cultural Differences
Different cultures maintain different standards of personal space. For example, the personal space for people in Japan might be much larger than for people in Italy.   Latin American and Mediterranean cultures like to stand at 1.5 feet ("personal bubble") for a personal conversation. An explanation for this is that cultures from colder climates have larger personal space bubbles while cultures with warmer climates prefer to be much closer. This explains why North Americans and Northern Europeans like their personal space. South Americans and Southern Europeans will enter your comfort zone.  

Image:  tvtropes.org

Any time someone else violates or comes into one's personal space without permission, it is an intrusion and a lack of respect.  Period.

What to do if someone invades your personal space
When someone gets uncomfortably close to you, there are several things you can do:

• Do nothing.
• Lean away from the person or take a step back, hoping he or she will take the hint.
• Be honest and say you're uncomfortable being so close.
• Explain why you need more space. For example, if you're left-handed, and the person is too close to your left side, comment about how you need the space to take notes.

How to have respect for others' personal space

• Don't touch anyone unless they invite you to. 
• Don't allow anyone to touch you without permission.
• Don’t stand closer than 4 feet to a person unless you have an intimate relationship.
• If you see the person you're talking with back up, it means you're standing too close.
• When speaking with someone, don't shout over people or lean over someone else.  Move closer.
• Never touch anyone else's children or belongings unless invited to do so.
• It's better to wait for someone to walk through a narrow space rather than squeezing through and brushing someone's body whether they are of the same gender or not.
• Give yourself some extra space when sitting next to someone.
• Whether at work or home, going through someone's desk/room/office is a serious case of invading personal privacy.
• The same thing goes for opening their mail, going through a purse or wallet, reading emails, checking out phone texts/voice mails.

Being aware of and respecting another person's personal space simply means that you allow them to control their bubble.  Be aware that you will keep a comfortable distance between yourself and someone else, and remember to never break through that boundary unless you have that person's permission or have been clearly invited to get closer. 

(c) Robyn King 2011-16. All Rights Reserved.



Improving Self-Esteem

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”- Eleanor Roosevelt

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, how confident you are, how accomplished you feel. It reflects whether a person loves, accepts, and believes in who they are. For some of us, it can go up and down. One day you might feel really on top of everything, great about yourself, unafraid to try anything. The next day, you’re just as likely to feel completely at the bottom, unsure of yourself, afraid to say or do anything.  Then the day after that, you're back on top.


Image:  Google Images

 There are some folks, however, who feel really badly about themselves most of the time.  In addition to having a generally negative view of yourself, having chronic, long-term low self-esteem takes an enormous toll on the quality of your life:

·         You take fewer risks, which limits your opportunities, both personally and professionally. 

·         You’re reluctant to voice or even acknowledge your own needs and always put others’ before yours.

·         You are probably also haunted by past mistakes and worry about making future ones. 

·         You question everything you say and do, and over-analyze interactions with others because you fear you’ve screwed up or embarrassed yourself. 

·         You are uncomfortable when someone gives you a compliment. 

·         You focus on what you’re lacking or missing in yourself and your life. 

·         You worry a lot about what other people think of you. 

Image:  Google Images

Because of how horribly they feel, many people with low self-esteem are reluctant to work on gaining high self-esteem for fear that people will think they are “stuck up” or “think they’re all that.”  Don’t confuse high self-esteem with arrogance.  Having high self-esteem means that you love, accept and believe in yourself as you are; arrogance means that you think you're better than everyone else.  Two different things.  Self-esteem is good; arrogance, not so much. 


So where does one start to improve how one thinks and feels?  Building high self-esteem is a process, not something you can develop overnight.  It takes time, energy, persistence and patience to change old ways of thinking and behaving.  It isn’t necessarily comfortable or easy, either.  As you begin to think and behave differently, other people may not like it and may give you a difficult time.  You may feel uneasy, scared and a little stressed, also, because you're doing new and different things, and you may find yourself in a position to need to give up things and people you're accustomed to having around you.  Changing for the better can, in all honesty, suck.  Big time.  These are NOT good reasons to stop improving yourself and go back to the "stinkin' thinkin'" mentality, however.  When you ride out the discomfort and learn new, positive ways of thinking and behaving, the end result will be absolutely worth the changes you've made.

Image:  Google Images

Here are some ideas to help you improve your self-esteem:

Stop comparing yourself with other people.  Your importance, value and worth are not dependent on what others do, have or achieve.  There will always be some people who have more than you, and some who have less.

Stop criticizing yourself.  Some people have a bad habit of putting themselves down regularly.  They say negative things to themselves like, “I’m so stupid!” or “I’m late again” or “I hate how I look.”  Get in the new habit of catching yourself when you say critical things about yourself and learn to stop the criticisms.  Instead, say something positive about yourself or something you've accomplished.

Forgive and move on.  Humans make mistakes, even when they try their best.  Constantly thinking about all the ways others have hurt or wronged you in the past is a waste of your time and energy.  So is beating yourself up for hurting someone else or making a decision that didn’t turn out how you had hoped.  The past is gone.  If someone else hurt you, forgive them for making that mistake.  If you are feeling badly about how you treated someone, forgive yourself.  Then move on...put it behind you.  Make a mental note to do better next time.


Surround yourself with your Dream Team.  The Real You is a wonderful, unique person with enormous potential and capacity for loving yourself and sharing your love with others.  Keeping company with people who are positive and supportive has a way of rubbing off on you.  It’s nearly impossible to think badly about yourself when you spend time with people who think you’re fabulous and capable of achieving whatever you set your mind to.  There is no room in your life for individuals who consistently put you down, stomp on your dreams, and treat you like a doormat.  Delete their numbers on your cell phone, and unfriend them on Facebook.

Get involved in work and activities you love.  It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re at a job you hate.  Your self-esteem will rise dramatically when you’re involved in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable.  Even if you’re not able to quit your job right away, you can still spend some of your leisure time doing your favorite hobbies and activities.


To thine own self be true.  Live your own life, and not the life someone else decided was best for you.  If you’re making decisions based on getting approval from family and friends, you’re not being true to yourself.  You’re the only one living in your sneakers, and no one else knows what’s better for you than YOU.  Stand up for what you want, and take the steps to get it.


Stop blaming yourself for past mistakes.  There are very few things in life that are in our control.  People with low self-esteem tend to take the blame whenever something goes wrong.  Instead, learn how to be proud of your efforts and give yourself credit for the things you have done well.


Recognize and honor your personal strengths.  Ever hear the expression, "if you don't toot your own horn, nobody else will"?  Sometimes you have to take a new inventory about what you LIKE about yourself:  your looks, smile, health, personality, character strengths.  Don’t sell yourself short.  There are many wonderful things about you, and it isn’t wrong or egotistical to praise yourself for what you’ve got going for you.


Quit overanalyzing.  Sometimes the real problem isn’t self-esteem at all, but a tendency toward overthinking everything.  When you find yourself doing this, redirect your focus to positive things.  Give your mind a rest.

Image:  Google Images

Accept all compliments by saying “Thank You.”  Don’t dismiss or ignore the nice things people say about you.  When you do this, you tell yourself that you don’t deserve or aren’t worthy of praise (a by-product of low-self esteem).  Practice saying “thank you” to every kind word someone says to you or about you, and realize that others have no trouble seeing how wonderful and valuable you really are...because they're right!

Volunteer your time and talents.  When you offer to help others in need, it will take your focus off of yourself and will naturally make you feel good.  And when you are thanked for what you’ve done, don’t dismiss it; practice saying, “You’re welcome.”

Take care of your whole self.  Getting adequate sleep, regular exercise, learning how to relax, scheduling fun activities into your life and eating healthy help your body to release hormones called endorphins, which are the “feel-good” chemicals.

Invest the time and energy it will take to improve how you feel about yourself...you are so worth it. 

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Managing Everyday Anxiety

In its simplest terms, anxiety is defined as your body's natural response to imminent threat or danger, or to an event or circumstances with an uncertain outcome.   It's what you feel when your body gets ready to fight back or run away. 

Anxiety becomes a problem, however, when you are anxious and nervous without an actual threat or danger, your body stays in a hyperaroused mode, and the anxiety takes over your life.  That's when it's time to get help. 

People with anxiety disorders can learn how to change their thoughts and behaviors so they can live happy, productive, fulfilling lives as a result of working with a mental health professional who specializes in treating anxiety.

This 2-minute video does an excellent job at explaining the difference between everyday anxiety and anxiety disorders. 

Our focus, however, is anxiety of the everyday type, and how best to manage it.

We all know what anxiety feels like. Our heart pounds before a big presentation or an exam in our toughest class. We get butterflies in our stomach during a blind date. We worry over family problems or feel jittery at the thought of asking the boss for a raise.  And while any of these circumstances can certainly be cause for worry, they are finite, which means that there's a specific ending to the event. 

For example, once your presentation or exam is over, the anxiety subsides and you begin to feel better.  But the time leading up to the event or circumstance is where people suffer from the ravages of anxiety:  headache, stomach ache, diarrhea, feeling nervous and jittery, restlessness, sweating, irritability, difficulty concentrating and sleeping.  These are all caused by the release of stress hormones called cortisol and adrenaline. 

How can we manage our anxiety so we can tackle the task we're so worried or nervous about?  Here are six ways to get you started.

1.  Exercise.  The best way to burn off the stress hormones is to get moving on a regular basis.  Even a walk around the block or dancing can make you feel better.

Whatever it takes.

2.  Rest.  Getting adequate rest is essential for managing anxiety and to improve your overall health. If you're having trouble sleeping, it could be remedied in a number of ways, not the least of which is establishing a bedtime routine and sticking to it.  Turn off the TV, computer and cell phone; these are distracting and actually rev you up.  Take a shower, read, listen to soothing music.  Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. 

3.  Positive mindset.  How you feel and behave is directly related to how you think.  Research has shown that people who imagine a positive, realistic outcome of an upcoming event have less anxiety and tend to perform better at the task, which often results in a positive outcome! 

As you prepare for a stressful event, imagine that it's going to go the way you hope it will...and begin to believe it will, too.  Imagine getting an A on the exam or presentation.  The blind date goes well.  The boss gives you the raise. 

Having a positive outlook actually will make you feel less anxious, and has the added benefit of providing you with the mental and physical energy you need to perform at your best.

http://www.wearanimals.com/

4.  Relax.  Find a way to give your mind and body rest from the worry.  What will work for you...Is it taking the dog for a walk?  Stretching out in a recliner?  Sitting quietly and breathing deeply?  Having a glass of wine with a friend or a beer with your buddies?  Taking a bath?  Reading?  Spending an afternoon in Lake George?

Whoa, indeed.

5.  Assess the event/situation accurately and realistically.  When you think an event or situation is more important, more dangerous or more negative than it actually is raises your anxiety.  As mentioned above, how you think impacts how you feel and behave.  So take a look at what you're facing on a broader scale...will the world actually end if you don't get an A on the exam?  Will you never go out again if the blind date doesn't work out?  Will your life be forever ruined if you don't get the job you're interviewing for?



Say it with me: "Fruits and veggies ROCK!"

 6.  Put down the junk food.  Although it's tempting to grab your go-to comfort foods when you're anxious (mine is mac and cheese), your body is an engine that needs good, clean, food in its natural form for fuel.  Fruits, veggies, lean protein and whole grains will not only make you look and feel better, they will raise your metabolism so it can burn off stress hormones quickly and efficiently.

There you have it.  Anxiety can be managed so you can get through those difficult times and circumstances with your mental and physical health intact.  If you find that these tips don't help, make an appointment to meet with a counselor right away so you can learn other ways to better manage it.

QUESTION:  How do YOU manage your anxiety? 

 

(c) 2011 Robyn M. Posson

Soft Skills Hack: Building Personal Boundaries

"I just don't understand why my boyfriend treats me like dirt.  I know he has someone else on the side, but what I can do about it?" 

"I hate it when my roommate takes something from my room without asking...how do I get her to stop (or do I need to move out)?"

"When my girlfriend gets mad, she gets in my face and screams and calls me every name in the book.  Then she trashes me on Facebook where everyone can see.  Later she says she's sorry, I forgive her, and things are good for a while...until I do something else to make her mad.  It's like a vicious cycle.  I do everything I can to avoid getting her upset, but she always finds things to get mad at."

These are complaints I hear all too often from students who are having difficulties with personal relationships.  What's missing in these scenarios are healthy personal boundaries.  And although we have no control over how others behave, we can control how we allow others to treat us.

Personal boundaries are like fences.  Just like the fence around the property where you live, personal boundaries are built to keep out those people and behaviors who don't respect you or your belongings.

Boundaries are necessary for you to learn how to define yourself in a healthy way.  Setting boundaries means that you are taking responsibility as an adult, and expect equality and respect in the relationships you have with others.

So where do you start?  There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two statements involve setting the boundary; the third is what you will do to defend that boundary.

Part 1: "If you" :  A description of the behavior you find unacceptable (being as specific as possible).

Part 2: "I will" :  A description of what action you will take to protect and take care of yourself in the event the other person violates the boundary.

Part 3: "If you continue this behavior I will" :  A description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.  If you set boundaries then do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue with the same old behavior.  Be sure the consequence is one you will follow-through.

Example:  "If you don't stop screaming at me, I will ask you to leave until you are calm enough to discuss this like adults.  If you continue to scream at me, I will call the police and have you escorted out."  (This is said only once, with follow-through of the consequence should the other person choose not to respect the boundary.)

Setting a boundary is not making a threat.  It is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat you in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person's behavior.

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that). Setting a boundary is part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. It is a major step in taking control over how you will allow others to treat you.

Setting a boundary is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation.  Some people say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate the other person. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is this: When you set a boundary you let go of the outcome; it's up to the other person to change how they treat you. 

One last thing to remember:  As you build those healthy, appropriate boundaries, people around you will probably not like it.  You will be challenged in every way possible as you follow through with your expectations of how others to treat you.

Eventually, one of three things will happen: 
1) the other person will begin to improve how they treat you, 
2) when this person realizes he/she can no longer manipulate or bully you, they will move out of your life, or
3) if the person doesn't change and disrespects the limits you've set, you can choose to leave that relationship behind. 

 

You win every time.

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.