From the Counselor's Desk

Excuses, excuses

I regularly meet with people who are not happy in or satisfied with their intimate relationships because they are violent, drama-ridden and chaotic. Many, however, mention that their partnerships aren't horrible. Mediocre. Not-so-bad. They believe that it's perfectly appropriate and typical to feel this way most of the time, but feel bad that they aren't more jazzed about their partners, or their partners seem distant and disinterested.

Being in a “so-so relationship” is not a relationship at all. A relationship is either good, or it's not. When it’s good, each partner is fully invested in and committed to the health and growth of their partnership.

When it’s not, it sucks all of the time.

A woman who calls her relationship “so-so” isn't getting what she requires to be happy. She’s also afraid to admit that it’s time to make a clean break and move on.

My bottom line is no one should ever settle for anything less than a good relationship. There's no reason to.

Below are examples of the reasons women are reluctant to walk away from relationships that "aren't so bad," and my responses follow each one.

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"I'm afraid of being single or starting over."

Fear has no place in a relationship. It’s only when you feel good about yourself, your life and are emotionally, socially and financially self-sufficient that are you ready to be with a partner. When you can say that you’re really okay living your fabulous life without a partner to share it, that’s the time to invite someone in who’s equally independent.

"He's such a nice guy."

Of course he’s a nice guy…that’s why you chose to be with him! Your partner doesn’t have to be a distant, unaffected, disengaged jerk to be the wrong person for you. It would be unfair to string him along while you feel the way you do. You know how to find a nice guy, so find another one who you really want to be with.

"He loves me so much (but I'm lukewarm about him)."

You do not have a relationship. Both partners in healthy relationships feel the same level of affection, caring, respect and love the majority of the time. When this balance is off long-term, and you are not working particularly hard at remedying the situation, it’s time to move on.

"I love him so much (but he's lukewarm about me)."

Why would you continue to chase after a partner who doesn’t feel the same way about you? You deserve to receive at least as much love as you give. If not, it is not a relationship.

"I can change him."

Hear me clearly: You do not have the power to change anyone but yourself. You can’t love him enough, do enough, or support him enough to change how he feels about you. You can change your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, though. You can decide that you deserve better and take action to have better. Find a partner who will be so grateful that you chose him, that he will do everything he can to show how much he loves and appreciates you as-is. This is what a mutually-satisfying relationship feels like.

"The sex is amazing."

Satisfying sex is important in every healthy relationship, but it’s only a part. What else do you find amazing about your partnership? In what other non-sexual ways do you work together to feel good and develop your bond? You can’t sustain a relationship based only on how great he is in bed. In time, his desire for (and adeptness at) sex will decline, and then how else will your partnership be sustained? Think about how mind-blowing sex would be with someone who works as skillfully at making the whole relationship feel good the majority of the time…that kind of devotion is one you can rely on long after passion fades.

"I want to have kids fairly soon."

It’s perfectly appropriate to consider the limited amount of time women really have to start a family. But having kids with a man who you feel only so-so about is not only bad for you—and him—but your children will grow up thinking that the kind of ill-fitting, unsatisfying relationship you have is the kind to seek for themselves. You wouldn’t want that for them, right? So you most certainly shouldn’t want that for yourself either.

"We have so much in common."

Again, it makes sense that you share interests and experiences…you’re together, after all. But common threads alone aren’t strong enough to make the relationship worthwhile if you’re not feeling it for him. It’s just not enough.

"He has a great job he loves."

Wonderful! It makes a man feel strong and important when he loves what he does for a living and is recognized for it. The difference between a great relationship and one that’s not so great is the amount of time he spends at work. Are you both coming home around the same time, sharing dinner and discussing your day? Or are you eating alone most nights, not knowing when to expect him? A partner who would rather spend more time working at a job he loves than spending more time with the woman he loves is working his way out of the relationship.

"He's really cute."

There’s plenty of research around that states that attractiveness is an integral part of pairing up. Makes sense, right? However, looks are unimportant if a man treats you badly, ignores you, or is indifferent to the relationship. A so-so looking man who works consistently at making you feel respected, cared for and loved unconditionally will be far more attractive to you than a pretty boy who doesn’t give two hoots.

"He's great with grand or romantic gestures."

Doesn’t it feel wonderful when your partner surprises you with flowers, gifts and lavish vacations? It’s like the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae! My question to you is, what is he doing every day, in small ways, to make you feel loved, respected and cared for? Those gestures that he’s not pointing out to you, or doing in public where everyone can see? For example, does he brush the snow off your car so you don’t have to? Does he make the bed because you don’t have time in your rush to get out of the door in the morning? Does he sit with you to watch a chick-flick without snide or rude remarks? These day-to-day, seemingly innocuous deeds are the real examples of a partner’s integrity and worthiness of you. Flowers die, gifts may not fit, and vacations are over much too quickly. How you’re treated in your mundane, daily life are the things to truly celebrate.

"He's really outgoing."

If this quality is one that is attractive to you, great. And I’ll bet your friends and family love this about him. Who wouldn’t? But, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, how does he behave when he’s alone with you? Is he as upbeat and interested in discussing what you’re passionate about as he is when he’s having a conversation with a stranger at a party?

"He has a close relationship with his mother."

Define close. A man worth his salt thinks the world of his mother, and speaks about her in respectful, loving ways. But if he is enmeshed with Mom (in other words, the umbilical cord is still intact), this is a huge red flag. If your man spends more time with his mother, discusses all of his affairs with her, doesn’t make a decision without her advice, and always puts her first, then you need to get outta Dodge now. You will never, ever be the priority in this man’s life, and you deserve much, much better.

QUESTION: How's your current relationship going? Good? So-so? Not horrible? Could be better? A hot mess?

Spring Cleaning

Source

It's Spring Break, and I've spent the better part of my day cleaning my office. When I'm embarrassed to have a student or colleague come into my space, that's when I know it's time to take action. I took a whole box of paper (which previously took residence in piles all over the room), and shredded all of it. Two Xerox paper boxes of tschotskes are going in the car to drop off at Goodwill.

I can actually see the floor around my desk now. No more tripping hazards.

I did NOT look this happy or fashionable when cleaning.

I typically don't have time to maintain the de-cluttering during the semester, so I take full advantage of every break to weed out all of the things I thought I couldn't live without, and donate, shred or chuck it.

I find it interesting that the stuff I tossed today were things I chose to hang onto when I tidied up in January. Funny how priorities change so quickly.

Source

With the physical cleansing comes a parallel mental decluttering, too. Choosing to lay down burdens over which I have no control, forgiving someone who's said something that hurt my feelings, and needless worry over money gets packed up and pushed out of my mind. In its place is an internal peace that rejuvenates and replenishes my hope and gratitude.
As a result, my office looks cleaner and my mind is lighter. I'm set to take on the rest of the semester with a decluttered work space, renewed energy and inner spaciousness.

Feels pretty damn good.

QUESTION: Do you have internal and external clutter, and what do you do about it?

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

A Love-Hate Relationship: Daylight Savings Time

I love this time of year. I can smell Spring coming, and the milder weather means we can put the windows down in the car, the garden is starting to grow, and Jumpin' Jacks is open! (Woot woot!) It also means Spring Break and the days start getting longer. Huzzah!

There's only one caveat to this blissful Spring Fever mindset: We move the clocks an hour forward, which means an hour less sleep. Don't know about you, but the change to Daylight Savings Time on Sunday has thrown everything out of whack.

I'm not tired at the time I'm "supposed" to wind-down at night, and instead of falling asleep within the first ten minutes, I lay in bed for an hour. (Only got 4-1/2 hours last night. Yikes.) The 4:30am alarm that I was used to is now rousing me at what was 3:30am last week. (No wonder the gym is empty.) As I sit here writing this, I'm chugging down the largest coffee the cafeteria sells because I could so fall asleep at my desk right now. (Caffeine is my friend today.) Can you relate?

So what's really going on? Here is an explanation of why we have trouble adjusting and some interesting facts about the biological impact of Daylight Savings Time:

(Couldn't resist...guess I'm punchy from
serious lack of sleep)

Our circadian rhythm, nature's built-in mechanism that affects our behavior, is triggered primarily by the amount of light and darkness in our environment. Changes in daylight hours disrupts the release of melatonin, a hormone that regulates sleep, and interrupts our circadian body clocks. Interference with the body's natural processes can impair memory, concentration and performance, and produce symptoms often compared to jet lag.

A highly-respected expert on "chronobiology" (the study of circadian rhythms), Prof. Till Roenneberg's studies show that our internal body clocks never adjust to gaining an "extra" hour of sunlight at the end of the day during daylight saving time. "The consequence of that is that the majority of the population has drastically decreased productivity, decreased quality of life, increasing susceptibility to illness, and is just plain tired," Roenneberg said.
Roenneberg goes on to say that light doesn't have the same affect on the body in the morning as it does in the evening. "More light in the morning would advance the body clock, and that would be good. But more light in the evening would even further delay the body clock," he said.

This stuff is starting to make sense, but what do we do about it?

(Damn...My eyelids feel like lead right now.)

Several experts offer suggestions for dealing with the effects of the time change:
1. Get your exercise or workout done early in the day
2. Avoid coffee in the afternoon; drink decaf green tea instead
3. Resist the urge to spend that extra hour of daylight outdoors; get
inside and prepare for night time
4. Drink a cup of chamomile or other calming herbal tea before bed
5. Avoid alcohol (it may help you fall asleep, but it's actually a stimulant that will keep you from sleeping well)
6. Turn off the TV, cell phone and computer an hour before bedtime (the light from the screen can disrupt your body's ability to relax)
7. Make your bed as comfortable and cozy as possible and keep your bedroom cool and dark
8. Darken your windows (with shades or room-darkening drapes) to keep early morning light out of your sleeping area
9. Practice deep breathing after tucking yourself in
10. Once you wake up, throw open the drapes or sit near a bright window during breakfast to reset your inner clock

Geez...I can't stop yawning! (Not pretty. Trust me on this one. See above.) I'll give these tips a try and see whether they lessen my sluggishness. Are you with me? What've we got to lose?

Guess I better throw out that cuppa coffee, get my butt outta this chair and take a damn walk around campus.

QUESTION: How has turning the clocks forward affected you? What helped you get through the first few days?

Additional source: http://www.nigms.nih.gov/Education/Factsheet_CircadianRhythms.htm

All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c)2012 Robyn M. Posson

The Dream Job Project

Logo design by Alex Knowlton

Imagine, if you will:

You recently got a big inheritance (or won the lottery), so you have no money worries and don't have to work.

But you want to stay busy doing something that you love so much that you don't care if you earn a paycheck. So, you choose your "dream job," and now you practically skip to your place of business.

You have so much enthusiasm and limitless personal and professional satisfaction that you’ve never been happier going to work every day.

You wish everyone was as happy and fulfilled as you. You wish you had found this job sooner.

Reality:

Truth is, you don't need to have gobs of money in the bank to have a career that fires you up.

What's your passion? What are you good at? What's your dream?

Find what that is for you, and figure out a way to get paid for it.

Most people need to work until retirement age, so we might as well do something that lights us up.

So think BIG. Make a plan to do it. Start today, and make the commitment to work at it. Jump over the hurdles and obstacles and find the important lessons in them. Tell anyone who'll listen what your dream is, because you never know. And as Winston Churchill said, "Never, ever give up."

Proof

I decided (at the age of 28 and a single mother of two elementary school-aged children), that I would complete my education with a Master's degree in Counseling by the time I was 40. My chosen dream job was to work as a mental health counselor on a college campus in the Capital District.

Long story short, I received my Master's on my 41st birthday, and worked at local colleges in jobs somewhat related to counseling. I made myself visible on campus. I kept a positive attitude and professional image. I volunteered at a college Counseling Center three nights a week. I told everyone (including the Counseling Center supervisor and college president) that I wanted a position as a mental health counselor at that college.

Three years later, my dream came true. The college created a new position and they hired me. I still pinch myself!

I love what I do, and as long as my salary covers my expenses with a little left over for a rainy day, I'm good. I don't do it to be rich or famous. I do it because I can't imagine doing anything else. That feeling is one I hope everybody had.

Including you.

Alan Watts: What if Money Was No Object?

What are you giving up...and what are you giving?

Today is Ash Wednesday. It marks the beginning of Lent, a 40-day period where Christian followers fast, abstain from eating meat, and repent of their sins. During this time, they also give up something they value, such as coffee, TV, their iPod, etc, or decide to change a bad behavior or habit. Then, on Easter Sunday (the last day of Lent), the person decides whether the sacrifice is continued or abandoned.

When you think of it, 40 days out of 365 isn't really a lot of time, but when you choose to turn your back on something you are accustomed to having or doing, it can seem like an eternity. Many people report, however, that with each day that goes by, it gets a little bit easier to bear. Sometimes, at the end of the forty days, they wonder why they bothered having or doing whatever it was they thought they couldn't live without. Maybe it's not such a sacrifice after all.

Regardless of your spiritual path or religious beliefs, I propose we all give up something that needs to be gone from our lives. Overeating, bad attitudes, toxic relationships, smoking, drinking, caffeine, arguing and/or fighting, putting down people for the sake of feeling superior ourselves, doing too much of anything...all are examples of healthy sacrifices. Choose one that will make the biggest impact on your life right now.

Start today...even if it isn't Ash Wednesday when you read this. Choose only that one thing you're determined to get rid of, count out 40 days on your calendar, mark the 40th day, and put a red "X" on every day you succeed. If you trip up, start again, and again, and again if you have to. Making a change is no doubt difficult, but the control over your success lies within you and you only.

During this period of sacrifice, why not use your time to help others? Giving to someone else makes us feel good, keeps our minds off of what we're giving up, and puts our own struggles into perspective. Offer to tutor a classmate. Clean out your closet and donate your no longer needed clothing to a charity. Become a Big Brother or Big Sister to a kid who needs your time and guidance. Volunteer at a local hospital or the Animal Protective Foundation. You get the point.

At the end of the 40 days, you have two decisions to make: 1) Will you continue giving up? and 2) Will you continue giving?

To show that I practice what I preach (so to speak), I'm giving up snacking after 8:00pm. That's when I'm usually sitting in front of the TV with some kind of salty or sweet carb to munch on...even though I'm trying to lose a few pounds. So, I'm gonna bite the bullet. If I need something to nibble on, it will be before 8, and will be something healthy for me. If I trip up (hey, I'm human too), then I will start back at Day 1 again. Who knows...in 40 days I might be able to live without snacking after 8 completely.

To keep myself motivated (yet distracted), I plan to use my time to clean out and organize my attic, and will donate anything I haven't used in a year to Goodwill. Trust me...it will take at least 40 days to complete this task, but getting this done will a huge improvement and I will feel great.

Today is Day One, and Day 40 is marked on my calendar. It'll be hard, but I can do this. So can you. Are you with me?

<Note: All images obtained through Google Images unless otherwise noted>
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

Turn and face the strain...Ch-ch-changes....

[Couldn't resist...Love me some vintage Bowie!]

A common complaint I hear in my counseling office is that one person declares that all the problems in his/her life would be gone...if only another person would change.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this message bears repeating: The only person who can change your happiness, success, circumstances, health and the direction of your life is Y.O.U. And change is hard.

Miserable in a relationship? Choose to do something about it--meet with a counselor who will help you strategize solutions that work for YOU.

Having trouble in your classes? Choose to do something about it--meet with your professors during office hours, seek help in the Learning Center, request a tutor.

Hate your job? Choose to do something about it--meet with someone in Career and Employment Services who will help jazz up your resume and show you how to search for another job.

Carrying around more weight than you'd like to? Choose to do something about it--make an appointment with your general practitioner, have a complete physical and get on a healthy eating and exercise program that you're willing to do long-term.

What will you do?

See a pattern here? "Choose to do something about it" is the secret. It means the ball is always in your court--if you're willing to pick it up, that is.

We all have choices whether to change or to stay the same. It's as simple as that. Making changes are often difficult, but consider this: When you take control over your life and make good, healthy decisions to make it better, you will feel like you own the world. It's empowering and encouraging to know that if you want something different than what you've got, you can make it happen.

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbnJo88kuP8

Toot-toot...Sabbatical!!!

I have been approved to take a one-semester sabbatical in the Fall to research and develop a comprehensive bullying prevention program for college campuses. I'm still reeling from the wonderful news. I've wanted this for a very long time. It just seems so unreal, but I'm so very happy and excited to be taking on this venture.

Time to make my travel plans.

ROAD TRIP!!!! Woot-woot!!

PS: I am grateful to Schenectady County Community College's sabbatical selection committee, my colleagues in Student Affairs, the President, and Board of Trustees for their support and honoring me with this opportunity. I won't let you down.

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson

No. (A complete sentence.)

Such a small word that has so much attached to it. Many people hate to say it, and most of us don't like hearing it.
It's difficult to turn someone down for a date, an invitation to a party, or an offer to study with a classmate. A buddy asks to borrow your very expensive road bike. Your BFF needs money to buy cigarettes.

We worry about hurting the other person's feelings. But agreeing to do something that is not good or holds no interest for you is damaging in two ways: 1) you give in because you feel guilty, or 2) you give in because the other person knows just what to say to manipulate you. Neither is a good reason to say yes when you really want to say no.

Draw the line, then stick to it.

Saying no is an exercise in self-care, self-respect, and self-preservation. It's also an expression that one is setting boundaries with others...drawing a line in the sand, so to speak. Boundaries are healthy and good for you and for the other people in your life.

Make a plan to be thoughtful and mindful when you are asked for something or to do a task for another person. Stop and think, "Do I really want to do this? Do I have the time? Will I feel better or worse if I say yes?" Then make the decision that's best for YOU.

Peter Bregman wrote a blog entry about this and has these nine tips to help you say no.

Know your no. Identify what's important to you and acknowledge what's not. If you don't know where you want to spend your time, you won't know where you don't want to spend your time. Before you can say no with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say no. All the other steps follow this one.
Be appreciative. It's almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They're asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation. Don't worry; this doesn't need to lead to a yes.
Say no to the request, not the person. You're not rejecting the person, just declining his invitation. So make that clear. Let him know what you respect about him — maybe you admire the work he's doing, or recognize his passion or generosity. Maybe you would love to meet for lunch. Don't fake this — even if you don't like the person making the request, simply being polite and kind will communicate that you aren't rejecting him.
Explain why. The particulars of your reason for saying no make very little difference. But having a reason does. Maybe you're too busy. Maybe you don't feel like what they're asking you to do plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you're saying no.
Be as resolute as they are pushy. Some people don't give up easily. That's their prerogative. But without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. They'll respect you for it. You can make light of it if you want ("I know you don't give up easily — but neither do I. I'm getting better at saying no.")
Practice. Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Say no when someone tries to sell you something on the street. Go into a room by yourself, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your no muscle helps.
Establish a pre-emptive no. We all have certain people in our lives who tend to make repeated, sometimes burdensome requests of us. In those cases, it's better to say no before the request even comes in. Let that person know that you're hyper-focused on a couple of things in your life and trying to reduce your obligations in all other areas. If it's your boss who tends to make the requests, agree upfront with her about where you should be spending your time. Then, when the requests come in, you can refer to your earlier conversation.
Be prepared to miss out. Some of us have a hard time saying no because we hate to miss an opportunity. And saying no always leads to a missed opportunity. But it's not just a missed opportunity; it's a tradeoff. Remind yourself that when you're saying no to the request, you are simultaneously saying yes to something you value more than the request. Both are opportunities. You're just choosing one over the other.
Gather your courage. If you're someone who is used to saying yes, it will take courage to say no, especially if the person asking doesn't give up easily. You may feel like a bad friend. You might feel like you're letting someone down or not living up to expectations. Maybe you'll imagine that you'll be seen or talked about in a negative light. Those things might be the cost of reclaiming your life. You'll need courage to put up with them.

One more time...it bears repeating...

"No" is a complete sentence.
Source: http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/02/nine-practices-to-help-you-say.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=linkedin&goback=%2Egde_4409416_member_215944128

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson. All Rights Reserved.

No truer words...

"[It's a sad day when] it's easier to get an assault rifle in the United States than it is to get adequate mental health care." (Dr. Nancy Snyderman)

Amen.

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2012