Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 3)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is Step 3 of The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy.

Source:  Google Images

3. Gather your Dream Team.  Isolating yourself from the world ("I don't need anyone...I can do this myself") isn't helpful nor healthy.  Now is when you need to have people in your corner.  In addition to your Breakup Buddy, surround yourself with friends and family who love and like you, but don’t torture them by constantly analyzing the breakup or mentioning his name a million times.  Enlist their help when redecorating and de-cluttering your living space and by accompanying you to the list of fun activities you’ve been wanting to do.

Next step:  4.  Allow yourself to grieve.



[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 4)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 

3. Gather your Dream Team.



Source:  Google Images

4. Allow yourself to grieve.  A loss is difficult, no matter how you slice it.  You feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, annoyed, sad, sad, and sad.  There’s a saying that in order to get over pain you have to go right through it.  Let your feelings bubble up to the surface and recognize that tears, anger and the rest of those icky feelings are necessary to the healing process.  If you don’t give yourself permission now and just push your feelings aside, sometime in the future they will come back to bite you in the backside.  Guaranteed.  Better to feel crummy now and get past it, than to prolong the inevitable and put moving forward with your life on hold.


Next step:  5.  Get rid of his stuff.





[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 5)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days.

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 
3. Gather your Dream Team.

4. Allow yourself to grieve.  

Source:  Google Images

5. Get rid of his stuff.   Gather some boxes.  In one box, put all of his clothing and anything of value (iPod, CD's, X-Box, stereo) and give it to your Breakup Buddy to return to him—and, no, you can’t go with her...you’re on a 60-day detox, remember?  In another box, put all of his personal items (toothbrush, underwear and anything else that is of little value and can be tossed) and put it out with this week's trash.  In the third box, place all of the mementos of your relationship (cards, love letters, photos of the two of you, ticket stubs, stuffed animals, anything that makes you think of him), and give to your Breakup Buddy to keep at her house, with the understanding that she will not throw the box out nor will she give you access to it during the 60 days.  Having those things around will do nothing but stall your progress and keep you sad and feeling hurt.  Eventually, as time passes and you work through the pain and begin to feel better, you can decide whether to have your Breakup Buddy toss the box into the trash, or have her help you throw it out yourself.  Out with the old...


Next step:  6.  In with the new: Reclaim your living space!

[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 6)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days. 

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 
3. Gather your Dream Team. 

4. Allow yourself to grieve.

5. Get rid of his stuff.

Source:  Google Images


6. In with the new:  Reclaim your living space.  It's time to reinvent the place where you live.  Clear it out of old, painful reminders of a life you will no longer have.  Instead, create a new perspective, and make room for great new things to come.  Make your space feel fresh and renewed.  Rearrange the furniture.  Hang up some new posters.  Buy a new set of sheets or candles in your favorite scent.  Paint one wall with your favorite color.  Having your home look different will move you toward thinking and feeling hopeful about the new chapter ahead of you.


Next step:  7.  Meet with a counselor



[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Relationships: The Breakup Recovery Plan (Step 7)

[Note:  Although this entry was written for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, these same principles will help anyone whose relationship has ended.]



Image:  fanpop.com

Whether you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt.  A LOT.  What’s worse, they can be really hard to get past.   A breakover is a set plan that moves you from the initial pain of a breakup to re-creating your life into what you want, better than what you had, with your confidence lifted and personal integrity intact.  With the help of Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (authors of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken), here is The Breakover Plan:

1. No contact for 60 days. 

2. Get yourself a Breakup Buddy. 
3. Gather your Dream Team. 

4. Allow yourself to grieve.  

5. Get rid of his stuff. 

6. In with the new:  Reclaim your living space.

Source:  Google Images



7. Meet with a counselor.  You would benefit greatly from sharing your feelings with someone who doesn't know you or your ex.  Seeking out this kind of help is so incredibly healthy...and it does NOT mean you are crazy or mentally ill.  Professionals are trained specifically on how to help people find new coping strategies to get through these kinds of life transitions. Counseling can also help you to regain your self-esteem to prepare you for the next relationship.


Next step:  8. Do a self-inventory




[Source:  Behrendt, Greg & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  It's called a breakup because it's broken.  New York:  Broadway Books, 2005.  Print.] 

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

College Success: Tips on Choosing Your College Major

Did you know that up to 85% of college students changes majors at least once?  According to the National Center for Education Statistics, on average, college students change their major at least three times over the course of their college career.

Choosing a major is one of the biggest decisions you'll make during your time at college. Trying to figure out what you want to do can be a huge task. It might help to know that many graduates go to work in careers that have nothing to do with their college major. Still, the thought of choosing a major can be a stressful one and creates second thoughts on whether you're selecting the right one.

Graphic Source

Other Tips

• If you don't want to continue on for a master's, make sure you pick a degree where a master's isn't needed to be competitive in the workforce.
• Don’t be afraid to change majors. There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a field you hate. Change majors if your interests are no longer what they used to be. (Just don’t wait too long to make this change as it could cost you extra tuition dollars.)

Sources:  National Center for Education Statistics, NACADA,  College Grotto
(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

The Truth About Mental Health: A Virtual Panic Attack

 Source:  Soul Pancake

(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Wellness Wisdom: Types of Sexual Assault

Types of Sexual Violence

Rape: forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object. Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape: women, men or children, straight or gay.

Acquaintance Rape: Acquaintance assault involves coercive sexual activities that occur against a person's will by means of force, violence, duress, or fear of bodily injury. These sexual activities are imposed upon them by someone they know (a friend, date, acquaintance, etc.).

Child Sexual Abuse: sexual contact by force, trickery, or bribery where there is an imbalance in age, size, power, or knowledge.

Dating and domestic violence: any act, attempt, or threat of force by a family member or intimate partner against another family member. Dating and domestic violence occurs in all socioeconomic, educational, racial, and age groups. The issues of power and control are at the heart of family violence. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors to gain power and control.

Drug facilitated assault: when drugs or alcohol are used to compromise an individual's ability to consent to sexual activity. In addition, drugs and alcohol are often used in order to minimize the resistance and memory of the victim of a sexual assault. Alcohol remains the most commonly used chemical in crimes of sexual assault, but there are also substances being used by perpetrators including: Rohypnol, GHB, GBL, etc.

Incest: sexual contact between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal (e.g., parents and children, uncles/aunts and nieces/nephews, etc.). This usually takes the form of an older family member sexually abusing a child or adolescent. Incest is considered by many experts to be a particularly damaging form of sexual abuse because it is perpetrated by individuals upon whom the victim trusts and depends. In addition, support can also be lacking and pressure to keep silent powerful as fear of the family breaking up can be overwhelming to other family members.

Male Sexual Assault
Men can be raped.  Male victims of sexual assault are an often forgotten population--unseen, neglected, and under-served.

Partner Rape is defined as sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will when the perpetrator is the individual's current partner (married or not), previous partner, or roommate/housemate.

• Battering rape- the experience of both physical and sexual violence within a relationship. Some may experience physical abuse during the sexual assault. Others may experience sexual assault after a physical assault as an attempt to "make up."
• Force-only rape- motivated by a perpetrator's need to demonstrate power and maintain control. Therefore, he/she asserts his/her feelings of entitlement over his/her partner in the form of forced sexual contact.
• Obsessive/Sadistic rape- involves torture and perverse sexual acts. Such rape is characteristically violent and often leads to physical injury.

Sexual exploitation by a helping professional: sexual contact of any kind between a helping professional (doctor, therapist, teacher, priest, professor, police officer, lawyer, etc.) and a client/patient.

Hate Crime: the victimization of an individual based on that individual's race, religion, national origin, ethnic identification, gender, or sexual orientation. While any targeted group can experience rape and sexual assault as a form of hate crime, there are two groups that are often noted for being victims of this particular form of hate crime.

• Women: Many believe that all violence against women, including rape and sexual assault, is a hate crime because it is not simply a violent act, but is "an act of misogyny, or hatred of women" (Copeland & Wolfe, 1991).
• People in the LGBT Community: Members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered (LGBT) community are often targets of hate crimes, many of which include rape or sexual assault

Sexual harassment: unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature in which submission to or rejection of such conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual's work or school performance or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work or school environment.

• Quid pro quo- When a perpetrator makes conditions of employment contingent on the victim providing sexual favors. This type of harassment is less common.
• Hostile environment- When unwelcome, severe and persistent sexual conduct on the part of a perpetrator creates an uncomfortable and hostile environment (e.g., jokes, lewd postures, leering, inappropriate touching, rape, etc.). This type of harassment constitutes up to 95% of all sexual harassment cases.

Stalking occurs when an individual follows a pattern of behavior that leaves someone else feeling afraid, nervous, harassed, or in danger.

Stranger Rape: 3 Major Categories

1. Blitz sexual assault- The perpetrator rapidly and brutally assaults the victim with no prior contact. Blitz assaults usually occur at night in a public place.
2. Contact sexual assault- The suspect contacts the victim and tries to gain her or his trust and confidence before assaulting her or him. Contact perpetrators pick their victims in bars, lure them into their cars, or otherwise try to coerce the victim into a situation of sexual assault.
3. Home invasion sexual assault- When a stranger breaks into the victim's home to commit the assault.

Source:  Moving to End Sexual Assault


(c) 2011-2016 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Money Matters: 6 Reasons to avoid defaulting on your student loans

You know all the reasons why getting a college education is the answer to your future success and why it's worth the investment.  Realistically, sometimes paying off the loans that funded your education can be challenging.  But defaulting on your student loans is a very serious problem that can be avoided.  Here are some excellent reasons not to default on your student loans. 

Source

1.  Debt collectors are aggressive.

If debt collectors are sometimes likened to junkyard dogs, the Department of Education would be the one who is not chained or fenced. They may call you repeatedly and become a nuisance and embarrassment to you. 

Source

2.  It will cost you more in the long-run.
Skipping or making late payments will result in additional fees and penalties that can add up quickly.  If you fully default and stop making payments altogether, those costs can skyrocket.  Eventually, you'll have to pay for the original amount of the loan(s) PLUS inflated interest, penalties, and even legal costs if you let it go that far.

Source

3.  Student loans don't go away.
There is no statute of limitations on federal student loans, which means its collectors can chase you to your grave.  Along the way, your loan originator can take your tax refunds and garnish your wages without having to go to court. They can even take a bite out of your Social Security checks after you retire, something other creditors cannot do.

4.  Student default will hurt your credit score.
A single missed payment will label you as "delinquent," but when your payment becomes 90 days past due, your account will be reported to the three major credit bureaus and your credit score will tank.  This means you'll pay a high interest rate when you buy a car or get a credit card, and your car insurance premiums will be sky-high.  The size of deposits required for utilities and cell phones will be huge, also, as a result of poor credit.

Source

5. It can impact your ability to get a job.
Credit checks have become routine for some employers doing background checks on potential employees.  Do you think you'll get hired if you have a poor credit score because you purposely ignore your financial obligations?

6.  It can affect your ability to get a decent apartment.
Landlords are routinely doing credit checks on potential tenants because they want to be sure that the rent will be paid on time and in full.  If you have a good credit score, it shows that you're responsible with your money and pay your bills on time.


Source:  Charter College and Reuters
(c) Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Reputation Building 101: Volunteer

Volunteer your time...build your reputation.

 
Help those less fortunate than yourself, because the personal rewards are immeasurable.  A bonus of performing good deeds is that you can use these experiences to build your reputation.  Your reputation determines how people view you, and having a good one is worth more than any education, skills or talents. 

I have a colleague who volunteered A LOT of his free time to a particular local chapter of a non-profit organization.  It was through his network at this organization that he found an opening for a full-time, paid position with benefits.  

He applied, interviewed, and got the job.  The people who interviewed him already had heard great things about him from other volunteers, had seen him in action many times, knew about his work ethic, the kind of person he is, and his dedication to their cause.  

He later learned that his volunteer efforts and remarkable reputation are what put him head-and-shoulders above the other candidates.

Source

A great reputation can open many doors, but spending time helping others will make you feel fantastic about yourself and the positive impact you make on their lives.  

Giving to others is an awesome opportunity to recognize--and be grateful for--the abundance in your own life. 


(c) 2011-2016. Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.