From the Counselor's Desk

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: O

One-and-Only

There is much comfort in knowing that the person you've chosen as your partner is totally committed to you and only you. Your partner is equally satisfied that you feel the same about him/her. This peaceful and safe feeling comes from a foundation of mutual trust, both given and received. (Also see Monogamy.)

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Oneness

Oneness is a feeling of being intimately connected to something or someone; a belief that we are all connected and part of the universe as a whole. It is the belief that one thrives with a spiritual connection, meaning that you can feel oneness with a higher power, nature, or the universe. This sense of belonging is a basic human need and necessary for survival.

In the context of relationships, oneness defines the strength and resilience of the connection you and your partner have built and maintained: Your common individual and partnership goals, mutual self-respect, admiration, care, trust and love. Oneness, however, does not mean that you relinquish your individuality or have it taken from you. Instead, it is two unique individuals living separate lives but walking the same path toward common goals together.

Originality

It is human nature to compare ourselves with others: we watch how other people dress and behave in social situations, the cars they drive, the neighborhoods they live in. We do this in a desperate desire to fit in, and yet we yearn to preserve elements of our individuality. It's a tough inner battle we all face.

That said, it's not uncommon for couples to model their relationships from others whose partnerships embrace the same standards, behaviors and ways of interacting--that desire to fit in with people whom you admire. However, within the healthy relationship, it's essential to maintain your individual selves, lives, goals and dreams.

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Certainly you know couples who are "perfect for each other." They are active in the community, go on vacations, have a nice home, and they're happy whenever you run into them. You may even secretly wish your relationship was more like theirs.

Keep in mind, though, that what this couple shows to the world may or may not accurately reflect their relationship's health. One partner could be cheating on the other, a partner and/or children might be abused, they have so many bills that they're filing for bankruptcy, there might be addictions living in the home, they are bored with each other, or they're in the process of ending the relationship because neither of them has been happy for quite some time.

My point is that you shouldn't assume that other people have it better than you...including relationships. Choose the elements that you've seen in others and which are important to you (respect, patience, etc.), but create a partnership that makes room for each partner's original and unique individuality, and provides an accurate reflection of what your relationship really is to the world.

Openness
You and your partner are able to be emotionally open and honest, being able to express your opinions and be comfortable enough to allow and support your partner's emotional openness as well.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: P

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Passion

Passion is a vital component of romance; it is simply a desire. A "spark." A desire to see and spend time inside your relationship. Passion for the relationship itself; a desire to work on its growth. You should know, however, that with passion comes vulnerability.

Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins explain: "We know of no way to have long-lasting passion...without allowing yourself to be vulnerable. What does being vulnerable mean? To us, it means opening to your truth and allowing the other person to see and hear who you truly are. It means letting down your defenses and your pretenses and just being who you truly are. True long-lasting passion comes from within as the two of you connect on a soul level. If one or both people are not willing to be who they truly are, then the spark between them has very little chance of authentic life."

Simply said, in order to create and sustain passion in relationships, both partners have to be willing to bare their souls and be completely open and honest...before they bare anything else.

Passion is meant to come in waves. If you feel that the "spark" has faded, make reconnecting with your partner a priority and schedule time together. Speak to each other about what your individual needs are, and create a plan to be sure both partners are satisfied with the outcome.

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Patience
There are a lot of outside influences that can affect how we behave towards other people. Sometimes how we behave has nothing to do with that individual in particular. Certain situations that invoke feelings of anger, fear or resentment are often not resolved right away, and we carry those feelings around until they inevitably spew out of us onto the first available target...usually someone we trust, like our partner.

Do not allow yourself to be mistreated, but try to be patient in certain situations where your partner has had a bad day. Perhaps her sister made her really mad today and she didn't resolve the issue with her, so it's been brewing in your partner all day. She comes home in a bad mood and doesn't feel like going to your mom's for dinner. Let her vent and talk about ways in which she can resolve the issue, actively listening to her and resisting the urge to solve the problem yourself.

His boss has been riding him all day, and he's totally fed up. He got a flat tire on the way home and had to change it in the pouring rain. He got passed over for a promotion. Again. He slams the front door, and immediately goes into the bedroom, garage or other private place and shuts the door. He needs time to calm down, and figure out for himself how to solve his problems. Give him the time and space he needs to do just that...without interruption. When he comes out of his "cave," he will most likely be calmer, and then will be in a better state of mind to tell you all about it. Ask if he wants you to just listen or whether he'd like your input.

If you believe in the "Golden Rule" (do unto others as you would have them do unto you), then put it in action. Muster all the patience you can to support your partner through the tough times. I guarantee it will be reciprocated somewhere down the line.

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Pillow Talk
Remember the old saying, "Never go to bed angry?" It's solid advice. Bed time is never an appropriate time to start (or continue) an argument or discuss a problem. It's the time for winding down and literally putting the challenges and the worries of the day to bed.

The house is quiet, and the two of you are snuggled under the blankets and settling down for sleep. Face each other and quietly discuss the good parts of your day or things you're grateful for (come up with at least one thing). Then kiss goodnight and say "I love you." This kind of pillow talk is a wonderful way to close your day, and solidifies your bond so that you can face together whatever the next day brings.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: Q

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Quality of Life

The World Health Organization defines quality of life as "individuals' perception of their position in life in the context of the culture and value systems in which they live and in relation to their goals, expectations, standards and concerns." I suggest that you regularly examine the life quality of your relationship. Answer these questions separately, and then come together with your partner to discuss your answers.

Are you content with the quality of your life with your partner? Do you feel safe, loved, appreciated, and respected 99% of the time? Are you both "on the same page" as far as where your relationship is going? Do you have more good days than bad? Are you satisfied with the amount of love and support you receive from your partner, and do you reciprocate in kind? Are you individually and collectively working on clear-cut goals? If you are a student, are you taking full advantage of the opportunity that's been given to you...going to class, doing your work on time, studying, performing well on exams? Are you gainfully employed? If so, are you content with what you do? If not, are you taking specific steps to find another job that's more fulfilling? Do you make time to have fun?

Relationships take work. They need regular maintenance (and repairs when necessary) to keep them in good working order. So it's important to have regular check-ins with your partner to determine your life quality; the exercise above can get the conversation started.

Quietude

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Defined as "the state of being quiet; tranquillity; calmness; stillness," quietude is yet another element to defining one's quality of life (see above). It is essential not only to your personal health, but to the health of your partnership. It is an excellent stress reliever, and helps dealing with the world a little easier. Some people find it by sitting quietly for a minute, and just paying attention to their breath. Others take yoga classes. Meditate. Go for a hike in the woods, or a walk around the neighborhood. Listen to soothing music. Read for pleasure. Linger in a hot bath. Stretch out on a lawn chair or hammock. You can create quietude with any activity (or inactivity) that is uninterrupted and makes you feel calm and peaceful.

Make creating quietude a regular part of your routine. You say you don't have the time? Make the time. Your health (and that of your partnership) depends on it.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: R

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Reciprocity

Reciprocity refers to the generous and equitable give-and-take between people. Sometimes we give more and sometimes we ask for more. Giving more means that you're aware that something's going on with your partner, understand what they need either physically and/or emotionally, then take steps to meet those needs. This also requires that you are doing enough for yourself that you have something to give.

Needing something from your partner is the other part of reciprocity. You have to develop an awareness of yourself to know why and when you may need more emotional or physical attention from your partner. Once you have that awareness, you must have the confidence and trust to ask your partner for what you need. Your partner cannot read your mind and vice-versa. There has to open communication and awareness for reciprocity to occur.

Over time, assess the give-and-take status of your relationship. It should feel balanced and equitable in the long-run. If not, ask yourselves these questions: Are you doing all the giving and getting nothing back when you need it? Is your partner denying his/her needs to meet yours? Stay on top of this by talking about it when you're both calm and rested.

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Rituals

Like the beat of a song, rituals define the rhythm and tempo of life. They can be soothing, bring much comfort when the world seems chaotic, and provide structure to one's day. They are activities you can rely on. In the context of relationships, they represent both individuality and a sense of teamwork that glues couples together.

Some examples of rituals:

one cooks dinner, the other cleans up
one gets the kids ready for bed, the other makes the next day's lunches
one sings in the shower, while the other makes the bed
on every anniversary of your first date, he takes you to the place you had your first date
you kiss each other before leaving and upon returning

You get the idea. Rituals between couples show unity and collaboration. What rituals have you established with your sweetie?

Romance
Sending flowers, going on a date, mentioning how beautiful/handsome your date is, listening intently to what he/she says, eagerness to know the other better, making time to kiss, wanting to spend alone time together...these are examples of romantic gestures used in the beginning of a relationship to let the other person know we're interested. Romance brings couples closer together.

Image: romanticlovepictures.com

Some relationship experts feel that romance cannot or should not be sustained a relationship; that it's unrealistic to expect to keep those happy, butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings going as the relationship matures, and the realities of life inevitably step in. I wholeheartedly disagree. I think that it's when couples are shoulder-to-shoulder, dealing with real-life, facing the challenges of working, paying bills, taking care of kids, going to college, etc., that romance can be much-needed respite to help them reconnect and be reminded of why they're together in the first place. I prefer to think of romance as an element of "relationship maintenance."

So, just as you make time for getting the oil changed every 3,000 miles, schedule a date night at least once a month. That's right, I said schedule...put it on your calendar, and treat it as an appointment that can't be changed--you cannot cancel it if something else comes up. If you have kids, find another couple with kids and trade off babysitting services so you won't have to shell out that money. If funds are really tight, find activities that are free or cost next to nothing, or send the kids off for a few hours and enjoy your alone time at home...it's not so much what you do, but that you're spending time together.

When planning your date, pick some of the activities you enjoyed doing when you first met--movie matinee, dancing at a club, rollerskating, hiking...whatever makes both of you happy. Focus on each other, and make a pact not to talk about anything that's causing stress in your lives. This is your special time where nothing else matters but the two of you.

Now, if you're feeling that once a month romance isn't enough for you, surprise your partner with small gestures of your love and appreciation...write a love note on the bathroom mirror (dry-erase markers work great), hold a kiss a few seconds longer than usual, make a batch of his favorite cookies that are his alone to eat.

Remember, also, that romance is an emotional gift you give to each other (such as bringing your hearts closer together), and is best executed when it's not motivated by expectations that you'll have sex (although couples do report that they believe their partner is sexiest when he/she is romantic, and physical intimacy results.)

The most important payoffs for planning romance is you'll have something fun to look forward to, your emotional connection will be rejuvenated, and your batteries recharged enough to get you through your busy life...until your next date night.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: S

Self-Esteem

In truly healthy relationships, your belief in yourself stays strong (and often increases) as you grow together. You feel good about yourself and how your partner treats you.

Sexual Fulfillment

At the risk of stating the obvious, sex is a vital component of healthy relationships: it creates an intimate bond, is an expression of your love for each other, an excellent stress-reliever, it feels good and it's fun!

Image: mydailydiary.net

Ideally, you are both giving and receiving the amount of sexual intimacy you each need. Sometimes a couple's desires temporarily get out of sync. However, if one of you--over time--wants less or more than the other, or wants to do it in a way that your partner isn't comfortable with, it's time to have a sit-down and discuss it openly when neither of you is upset. Like anything else in building a healthy relationship, honest and non-threatening communication is way to best come to a compromise. Define what sex means to you, state your needs and wants honestly to your partner, and be very clear of what you're not willing to do. Then you will agree on a plan that works for the both of you.

Get comfortable discussing sex regularly. Check in to see if your partner is feeling fulfilled, understanding that your plan can be tweaked at any time--with both parties in agreement. If after attempts to create a plan fail and you're still not on the same page sexually, seek the help of a professional...and not necessarily a sex therapist. In lots of cases, the issues that get in the way of a healthy sexual life have little to do with sex. If this is where the two of you are at, make this important investment in your partnership together.

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Social Skills

A healthy couple enjoys being together in public, either with friends and family, or out on their own. They are free to spend time with others and not feel that their relationship is threatened. The desire to introduce each other to friends and family members should exist. Mutual respect is a requirement, and that respect is reflected in how others are treated. There is no name-calling, screaming, degrading, embarrassing or nasty words or behaviors. Disagreements are considered personal matters, and are dealt with in private with the goal of a win-win result. Good manners are commonplace; the "best foot forward" behaviors demonstrated in the early days of dating continue. Every.day.

Surprises

Think back to the time when someone threw you a surprise party. How did that feel? Hopefully, after the initial shock faded and your heart rate returned to normal, you felt pretty special. The people in attendance thought enough of you to spice up your day and show how much they love and appreciate you.

Healthy couples enjoy sharing little, unexpected selfless gestures of love and appreciation, too. Surprises don't have to cost a lot of cash, but do take a bit of effort to plan: a card sent to her office, a note tucked in his coat pocket, a single flower on her windshield, arranging for uninterrupted time (and a tray of snacks) so he can watch a football game, making dinner so she doesn't have to (and doing the dishes).

Remember that the motivation behind surprising your sweetie is love and appreciation...and not from a sense of obligation, guilt or wanting something in return. And for heaven's sake, don't say, "Look what I did for you!" That's a dead giveaway that you're looking for brownie points for yourself, rather than making your partner feel special. Allow your main squeeze the pleasure of showing you how much you're appreciated in return.

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ABC's of Healthy Relationships: T-V

Team Approach

When tough times hit, remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. You’ve got each other’s back. The idea should be that you both are on the same side pulling against the world.

Time Together

It takes time to get to know someone, and it works best when in each other's presence. After the newness wears off of a romantic relationship, however, the time you spend together is more about quality than quantity. Share experiences. Talk about your day, then listen intently about your partner's. Do things together. Even chores can be fun when you make a game out of it (face it, everyone likes competition!). Take turns doing something your partner likes versus always doing what you want to do. Sometimes it's cool to just sit with each other while one of you watches TV and the other just reads a book. This balance of being separate individuals and committed partners is what healthy relationships are built upon.

Time Apart

As important as spending time together is, it's equally critical to schedule time apart as well. New relationships are all about time together, but as the relationship develops, it's healthy to want to spend time alone with friends. (Wanting to do things alone or with others is not a sign that your relationship is failing.) It is dangerous, suffocating, and unhealthy when you allow the focus on your partner to become so narrow that you completely neglect your friends, family, hobbies and interests. Being a healthy individual translates into being a healthy partner. Ideally, you will both be secure enough with yourselves and trust each other that you don't have to spend every minute together. In fact, you will become comfortable and enjoy immensely how much time you spend apart. Besides, think of all the great stories about your outside interests that you get to share with your partner...making you a more interesting and attractive individual!

Trust

Mutual trust is the hallmark of healthy relationships. Trust in relationships can only be demonstrated when each person feels good about themselves, has integrity, is independent in thoughts, behaviors and finances, has little self-doubt, and believes that their individual lives will continue to move forward--regardless of whether the relationship lasts.

As you get to know your partner better over time, take notice of how he/she shows you how trustworthy they are. (Does he/she stand by their word?) Demonstrate to your partner that you can be trusted as well. (Do you keep promises and tell the truth?) When you say you will call, give a specific time (say, at 8:00), then be damn sure to call at 8:00 (for extra brownie points, call a couple of minutes early). If you will be late for a scheduled get-together, give your partner the courtesy of a phone call or text. The next time your sweetie goes out with his boys, believe him and trust that he is responsible enough to call you should something go wrong...and enjoy your time apart (see "Time Apart" above).

If you find yourself calling or texting your partner 100 times a day to find out where he is, what he's doing and who he's with, if you're checking her texts/Facebook wall or emails for messages from other guys, or you're secretly following him (or having your friends follow him), there is no trust between you. None.

If you question your partner's trustworthiness, one of two things is happening: 1) your partner has actually violated your trust through his/her actions; or 2) you are extremely afraid that your partner is not really committed to you and/or is actively looking for someone else to be with. Either circumstance points to a partnership that is not worth having. Healthy connections cannot be built on financial dependence, insecurity, immaturity, and/or fear.

Observable violations of trust should also give you reason to question the future of your relationship. (Notice I said observable; this means you yourself have witnessed your partner's behaviors or heard his/her words--not what others are reporting to you third-hand.) People who are not trustworthy are selfish, have no integrity and do not care about how their actions influence others. Only you can decide whether this is the kind of partner you want. Trust what you know to be true.

Make sure your partner is worthy of, values and upholds your trust, and require he/she face specific consequences when violations are made. Organize your own life and behavior so as to always deserve your partner's faith and trust as well. You must establish and protect mutual trust in your relationship. Without this key ingredient, you have no relationship. Period.

Understanding

One of our basic human needs is being understood by others. A common complaint I hear in my work as a counselor is that men and women seem to speak different languages. Can you remember the last time you had a disagreement and you or the other person said, "You're just not hearing me! You don't understand!" "Are we even talking about the same thing?"

Thankfully, there is a solution. When your partner speaks with you, listen actively--without interruption--then paraphrase what was said, without adding your emotional reaction to it. ("If I heard you correctly, you said...") This gives excellent feedback to your partner as to whether you heard and understood everything that was conveyed, and offers the opportunity for him/her to repeat anything you may have missed and/or the option to give you more information. Then ask what he/she wants from you: advice or solution options, or listening and offering support. Address any issues that involve you with "I" statements (meaning you reply by saying things like "I can see how upset you are..." "I am sorry..." "I understand what you're saying..." which prevents your partner from becoming defensive). Ask your partner to do the same for you. Not only will you both feel understood (significantly reducing the number of disagreements--huge bonus), this style of active communication builds and sustains a strong bond between you.

Validation

Another human need is to be assured that one's feelings, thoughts, dreams and existence are valid and important. When we're upset, we need to hear that our reasons for feeling so are accurate. When we do a good job, it feels so good when the boss offers recognition with a pat on the back. We all have an innate to feel that who we are and what we do matters to someone. Validate the loved ones in your life. If you need validation but aren't receiving it, let your partner know, and ask for it. For a booster, you can regularly validate yourself ("I matter." "What I do has importance and value.").

Vision

Vision is defined by an individual having goals, dreams, aspirations. In the context of relationships, individual visions are accepted, supported and respected by each partner, and a shared vision for the relationship also holds an important place. Having the freedom for you and your partner to pursue your own visions separately, while working together on common, mutually-agreed-upon goals is like super-glue in relationships.

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: W-Z

Warmth

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Warmth is the result of feeling safe, secure, trusted, and having a mutually-felt sense of connection and attachment. Warmth is a by-product of what psychologist Carl Rogers refers to as unconditional positive regard, where one person appreciates and accepts another person as-is, no changes needed. To maintain or improve the health of your relationship, learn to convey warmth every day. Show how much you like and trust your partner. Hug often. Say thank you. Hold hands. Look your partner in the eye when speaking and listening. Be playful. Make up a special nickname that only you call your partner in private. Laugh at his corny jokes. Eat her burnt cookies and say how delicious they are...and share a good laugh.

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Wholeheartedness

David Whyte makes the profound statement that “the antidote to exhaustion is not rest, but wholeheartedness.” Wholeheartedness is marked by unconditional commitment, unwavering devotion, and unreserved enthusiasm for yourself and others. It means being open and truthful and requiring it from your partner.

In her research, Dr. Brené Brown studies people who embrace their vulnerability and imperfection, are connected to the relationships, stand on a foundation of daily gratitude, and are resilient and brave in the face of adversity and conflict. She refers to these people as being wholehearted. They trust their intuition. They appreciate and are not embarrassed by what makes them unique. In short, they love themselves. Let me repeat that: They love themselves. How can YOU become or improve the ways in which you are wholehearted? Dr. Brown came up with this prescription:

let ourselves be seen (including vulnerabilities and imperfections)
love with our whole hearts (even though there's no guarantee)
practice gratitude every day
believe that I am enough

Wind-Downs

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We are engulfed in extremely full schedules and lives, and time just seems to whiz by. At the end of the day, it's time for bed, and you're feeling tense and can't stop your mind from running at full speed. You toss and turn and worry that you'll be too tired to tackle tomorrow.

In healthy relationships, couples devote a block of time every day to wind down with each other. You could make this part of your bedtime routine. Once your jammies are on and teeth are brushed, the TV, computer, iPad, etc. are turned off, engage with each other. Soothing and calm discussions, reading quietly in each other's presence or reading to each other, giving mutual foot or back rubs, journaling, meditating, listening to relaxing instrumental music...do whatever it takes to make you feel connected to your mate, and practice winding down together for restful, recuperative sleep.

Work

Both partners need to have something productive to do to feel good about themselves and as equal, contributing members of the team. It makes no difference whether this work is paid or not, but it's extremely important that what is produced or accomplished is respected and valued.

Working on Yourself

Having a healthy, fulfilling relationship is the result of mostly self-improvement. Push to get outside of your comfort zone. Hone your relationship skills. If you have emotional issues, get into counseling to heal them. Let go of your need to be in control of anyone other than yourself. Remember that the past can only impact your present life if you allow it to. Let go of your parents, and remind yourself that they are doing the best they can with what they have (they're not perfect, and neither are you). Knock down your wall of defenses and fears, and allow another person to know you completely. Work on your capacity for giving and receiving unconditional love.

Image: The Worthy Walk

Worthiness

Defined as having worth, merit or value, it is the ability to recognize and appreciate all of the valuable qualities you and your partner possess, and hopefully, share with each other.

Xtra Effort

As it clearly states in "Work" above, partnerships take time and energy to make and keep them healthy and mutually rewarding. Sometimes, however, this work is hard...make that damn hard...and you might wonder how you'll ever keep it up. That's when you need to make an extra effort to show your love, respect and appreciation for your partner. That extra effort will invariably bring about extra rewards.

Xtravagant Affection

As C. S. Lewis so eloquent stated, "Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." No truer words were spoken. In fact, studies have shown that affection has physical--as well as emotional--benefits. According to Arizona State University human communication expert Dr. Kory Floyd, "Being affectionate is good for you. Affection can be a simple, non-pharmaceutical, cheap way to reduce stress." Floyd has found that there are direct associations between being an affectionate person and a lower risk of depression and stress. "Highly affectionate people tend to have better mental health and less stress. They also react to stress better," he says.

It's said that kissing your partner goodbye when you leave for work and hello when you return home (holding for 15 seconds each) not only shows affection for your mate, but has a physiological impact on the body by promoting the production of oxytocin, which has been dubbed "the bonding hormone." Full-contact, sustained hugs have the same effect. Check in with your partner to come to an agreement about what kind of affection, and when and where feels right for you to be affectionate, and make a mutual effort to be extravagant with your affection for each other on a regular basis.

Yielding

Admitting when you are wrong, agree to disagree, happy to comply, accommodating. See Picking Your Battles.

Young-at-Heart

No matter the age, life becomes a lot easier to handle when you are having fun. Doing things you loved as a kid--building a snowman, having a snowfight, riding your bike, jacks, hopscotch, roller skating, etc.--is just the kick in the butt some relationships need to get back in balance and keep the sparks alive. These activities are even more rewarding when they're done with kids (or grandkids) whose innocent, untainted view of the world is delightful.

Zero Tolerance

Zero...zip...zilch...nada...as it relates to dishonesty, disrespect, mistrust and/or interpersonal violence. Address these matters with your partner immediately, communicating clearly that any of these behaviors directed toward you or anyone else will not be tolerated in any circumstance, and with the understanding that you will take action regarding the relationship should the behavior be repeated. Then follow through if necessary.

Zest
Embrace the life you have today. Yesterday is gone, and who knows what the future will bring. Find people and things to be thankful for. Write them down in a gratitude journal every day, and when you're feeling down or overwhelmed, read your list aloud. Keep your mindset on a positive path; identify what you have and what you're doing today to move your life forward. Individuals with a zest for life make phenomenal partners...I'm so grateful that I have one myself!