From the Counselor's Desk

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: I

Integrity

Integrity is a personal virtue that reflects the consistency of a person's actions that are guided by their morals and values. They do what they say they will do. They do the right thing even when no one is looking. They are dependable. A person is said to have integrity where he/she treats everyone by the same set of personal morals, because he/she has a solid belief that no one is inferior. Their insides match their outsides (in other words, congruent).

Couples build trust and dependability whenever possible, and admit mistakes when they happen. They live by their word, and honor their partner's values. They show appreciation for the other person regularly. They see it as a team victory when their partner has a good suggestion or idea, where both people contribute to success. They are honest about how they're feeling to each other, and resist "putting on a happy face" when it doesn't reflect what's really going on. Simply put, integrity = trust + honesty.

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Intimacy

Most people understand sexual intimacy and how it's "done." The kind of intimacy I’m referring to is the emotional kind, where you let your guard down and really allow your partner to know the good, the bad and the ugly about you. No holds barred. Allowing yourself to really see the other as he or she is and loving them anyway. Emotional intimacy is built on mutual trust and respect, and the connection that is created as a result is strong and resilient to the obstacles that life throws at us. And, it makes sexual intimacy a million times better...trust me on this one.

Independence
Each of you is a fully-functional person. You are able to take care of your needs and support yourself, if necessary. You have separate friends and interests and pursue them regularly. You are free to come and go. You don't "need" the other to thrive and/or survive; you want to be with your partner to add another element of fabulousness to your already-complete life.
(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: J

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Je ne sais quoi

A French saying meaning “an indefinable quality,” it’s that special something that draws you to your partner. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but it’s what makes him/her fascinating, remarkable, and incredibly unique. Find what that is in your sweetie, and cherish it daily.

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Joy

Lives are busy. Schedules are over-full. Everyone’s on the run. Take time every day to find the joy, the sheer thrill of what having your partner brings to your life. Joy is more than happiness…it goes to the deepest depths of your heart and soul…and it’s the driving force that sustains you when chaos looms large in the day-to-day responsibilities of life.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: K-L

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Kissing

Research has shown that when loving couples kiss each other goodbye in the morning and hello at the end of the workday, they report that their relationships are closer, more committed and satisfying, and surprisingly enough, there’s less incidences of auto accidents while commuting! Giving your sweetie a smooch at least once a day keeps you connected in a way that no other person has to you or them.

Loads of Lusciously Lavished Love

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Stating the obvious, I know, but couldn't resist the opportunity for alliteration.

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Loyalty

One force that strengthens relationships is a dynamic referred to as loyalty. Being loyal means giving a relationship the highest priority, second only to loyalty to yourself. Simple enough—if you care about someone, then be there for them. Be true to them. Do what’s in their best interests. Loyalty is earned on a two-way street, so expect it in return.

There is comfort in knowing that the one person whom you love best will be there at your side, ready to catch you when you stumble. Your partner feels the same when he/she knows you're there for them, too.

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: M

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Monogamy

Monogamy refers to when one person is committed physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and financially to another person. It is a personal choice that each individual makes, and make together as a couple. There is no judgment whether being monogamous is better than not being. What does matter is whether you and your potential partner want the same thing.

It's my opinion that this is an issue to be discussed on the first date. For realz. You need to identify and be steadfast in your true reason for pairing up. If you're interested in determining whether there is potential for a long-term relationship, you need to say so at the get-go. Or, neither of you wants that kind of commitment at this time in your lives. That's cool, too. But doesn't it make sense to know whether you're both on the same page as soon as possible? It will not work if only one of you wants to be monogamous, or you agree to something other than what you really want for the sake of being with that person. Someone gets hurt in this scenario every time.

For example, when I was still in the dating arena, I knew exactly why I was dating and what I was looking for: I was ready to find someone to settle down with and marry. So I made it a habit to ask on every first date what his goal for dating was: did he just want to have fun, be friends with benefits, keep it casual so we could see other people, or was he interested in a long-term relationship with the hopes of marriage. (I asked it in this way so as not to lead him to an answer he thought I'd want to hear.) This took many men aback; some said they didn't understand why I asked such a serious question so soon after meeting. Others laughed nervously and changed the subject. Those guys didn't get a second date. Why? I didn't want to waste any more of my time or theirs. I knew what I wanted and chose not to settle for a man who didn't want the same.

The first time I met my sweetie, I asked the question, and he said, "I'm really a one-woman kind of man, and imagine that I will get married." Cha-ching! We had the same goal, and he got a second (and third, and fourth...) date. Once it was mutually decided that we would be exclusive and monogamous, that set the stage for building a relationship...and a healthy one at that. Truth be told, it's the best relationship I've ever been in. In fact, it's so great that I agreed to marry him next year.

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Moxie

Moxie is defined as the ability to face difficulty with spirit, confidence and courage. (It is synonymous with chutzpah, guts and backbone.) You won't allow anyone or anything to compromise your relationship. You put up your dukes (figuratively speaking) and confront anything that gets in your way. Both of you are committed and fearless enough to tackle any problem together--regardless of other's opinions, and with the desire for a stronger bond between you as a result. That's moxie.

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Mutual Respect

This refers to honoring each other's decisions and choices (even if they differ from yours), and fully accepting the other person for what and who they are.

In my counseling practice, I talk with a lot of people who are struggling with their intimate relationships. I often hear that one person believes the idea that if only his/her partner could be "fixed," then the partnership would be happy and successful.

Truth is, most people aren't broken. Life was working before we allied with our partner, and will continue to work even if the relationship ends. We choose to be with our partner because it enhances our life, and hopefully makes us happier. That's not to say that we all can't improve in certain skill areas, but when a partner implies (or tells you directly) that you are broken, it hurts profoundly. It also sends the message that you are not respected for who you are...as-is.

Respecting our partner has to be built on the recognition that he/she is an intelligent and remarkably capable person. (It's probably one of the reasons you got together in the first place, right?) Your sweetie may not be as good as you are at organization, baseball, cooking, gardening or whatever. But, you know what? You aren't as good as they are at many things. The bottom line is in healthy relationships, neither of you is superior to the other. You are each fully functioning human beings.

Once you've reminded yourself (and your partner) of these facts, what do you do next? For starters, change your mindset that either of you needs to be fixed in any way. The only control you have is over your own behavior and how you respond to others. (Make this your mantra.) That said, should you have a problem with something that is said or done, say so right when it happens. (Of course, if you're out in public, please give him/her the courtesy of getting to a private place to have this conversation, but don't let too much time to go by.) Tell your partner that you love him/her, but state calmly, firmly and specifically how the problematic behavior affects you, and that you want it to stop immediately.

None of us are mind-readers, and if a hurtful or embarrassing behavior is not addressed at the time it happens, the person will assume you accept the behavior, and true to human nature, it will continue. Most of us want to please our partners, so give yours the benefit of the doubt that the upsetting behavior was not done intentionally, but rather a momentary lapse in judgment. Provide the opportunity and instructions to make it right. This will help both of you hone your skills in giving and receiving respect.

On the other side of the coin, if your partner does or says something kind, thoughtful, romantic, etc., tell him/her immediately, mention how much you appreciate it and offer affection to solidify the message. This also clues him/her into the behaviors that make you feel loved and respected, and you want them to be repeated!

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: N

Sorry...couldn't resist these adorable kittens

Nearness

One of the many elements of healthy relationships is nearness (also called proximity). While it's certainly possible to have a good long-distance relationship (military families do it all the time), it's important to be in your partner's presence a majority of the time. Why? Because couples need extended face-to-face opportunities to build a healthy partnership. They need to learn how to work together as a team. To endure and get past the daily hassles and life obstacles that get in the way. How to live in the same space. How to handle finances. How to negotiate disagreements fairly. How to plan dreams and goals.

I'm not suggesting that individuals can't live alone and handle these issues separately (in fact, you should both be able to), but a relationship is based on the two people involved to be "in relation" to each other...meaning being near and together.

Nesting

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You've decided to live together, and are so excited and happy at the opportunities to save money and be together on a daily basis (see Nearness). Your partner brings his things to your apartment, and you realize that there's not enough room for his stuff. She wants to put "girly things" in every room and it's not sitting too well with you. Whose bed will you use? Where will his favorite chair fit? You now have two of everything in the kitchen and there's no space. What DO you do?

This process is called nesting. When two people plan to share their lives and their home, a lot of compromises need to be made when building that "nest." Ideally, you will find a new place to live and give up where you lived separately to create a home that will really be both of yours. However, if that's not feasible, then decide which of your apartments is bigger/more convenient/more affordable, etc. If your partner is moving into your place, you need to make room by weeding out some of your stuff. Make space in the closets or give up one of yours so your partner can have his/her own. If you don't have room for a second dresser, free up half of the drawers for your sweetie. Decide together which toaster/blender/dishes/furniture, etc. you'll keep and sell or donate the extras. Both of you needs to have a say in how your new home will look and function.

Another great nesting tip (and another exercise in compromise) is to make your living space gender neutral so that both will feel comfortable. Repaint the bedroom in a soothing earth tone and get rid of the frou-frou or hunting gear. Take down some of your sports memorabilia and make space for your sweetie to put up some of her cherished things. Tone down your pink-tile bathroom by using accessories in chocolate brown or navy. In other words, redefine these spaces to accommodate both of you...because it now belongs to both of you.

Nicknames

Nicknames, or other terms of endearment, are yet another way in which we create intimacy in our relationships. What we call each other in private make our interactions special, because no one but our most intimate partner uses those terms, like Sweetie, Honey, Babe, Cookie, Superman, Cupcake, Big Guy, etc. Decide whether these names are ever to be used in others' presence, or whether one or two is acceptable. There is one caveat to calling each other nicknames: they must not demean or disrespect the other person in any way.

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: O

One-and-Only

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There is much comfort in knowing that the person you've chosen as your partner is totally committed to you and only you. Your partner is equally satisfied that you feel the same about him/her. This peaceful and safe feeling comes from a foundation of mutual trust, both given and received. (Also see Monogamy.)

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Oneness

Oneness is a feeling of being intimately connected to something or someone; a belief that we are all connected and part of the universe as a whole. It is the belief that one thrives with a spiritual connection, meaning that you can feel oneness with a higher power, nature, or the universe. This sense of belonging is a basic human need and necessary for survival.

In the context of relationships, oneness defines the strength and resilience of the connection you and your partner have built and maintained: Your common individual and partnership goals, mutual self-respect, admiration, care, trust and love. Oneness, however, does not mean that you relinquish your individuality or have it taken from you. Instead, it is two unique individuals living separate lives but walking the same path toward common goals together.

Originality

It is human nature to compare ourselves with others: we watch how other people dress and behave in social situations, the cars they drive, the neighborhoods they live in. We do this in a desperate desire to fit in, and yet we yearn to preserve elements of our individuality. It's a tough inner battle we all face.

That said, it's not uncommon for couples to model their relationships from others whose partnerships embrace the same standards, behaviors and ways of interacting--that desire to fit in with people whom you admire. However, within the healthy relationship, it's essential to maintain your individual selves, lives, goals and dreams.

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Certainly you know couples who are "perfect for each other." They are active in the community, go on vacations, have a nice home, and they're happy whenever you run into them. You may even secretly wish your relationship was more like theirs.

Keep in mind, though, that what this couple shows to the world may or may not accurately reflect their relationship's health. One partner could be cheating on the other, a partner and/or children might be abused, they have so many bills that they're filing for bankruptcy, there might be addictions living in the home, they are bored with each other, or they're in the process of ending the relationship because neither of them has been happy for quite some time.

My point is that you shouldn't assume that other people have it better than you...including relationships. Choose the elements that you've seen in others and which are important to you (respect, patience, etc.), but create a partnership that makes room for each partner's original and unique individuality, and provides an accurate reflection of what your relationship really is to the world.

Openness
You and your partner are able to be emotionally open and honest, being able to express your opinions and be comfortable enough to allow and support your partner's emotional openness as well.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: P

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Passion

Passion is a vital component of romance; it is simply a desire. A "spark." A desire to see and spend time inside your relationship. Passion for the relationship itself; a desire to work on its growth. You should know, however, that with passion comes vulnerability.

Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins explain: "We know of no way to have long-lasting passion...without allowing yourself to be vulnerable. What does being vulnerable mean? To us, it means opening to your truth and allowing the other person to see and hear who you truly are. It means letting down your defenses and your pretenses and just being who you truly are. True long-lasting passion comes from within as the two of you connect on a soul level. If one or both people are not willing to be who they truly are, then the spark between them has very little chance of authentic life."

Simply said, in order to create and sustain passion in relationships, both partners have to be willing to bare their souls and be completely open and honest...before they bare anything else.

Passion is meant to come in waves. If you feel that the "spark" has faded, make reconnecting with your partner a priority and schedule time together. Speak to each other about what your individual needs are, and create a plan to be sure both partners are satisfied with the outcome.

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Patience
There are a lot of outside influences that can affect how we behave towards other people. Sometimes how we behave has nothing to do with that individual in particular. Certain situations that invoke feelings of anger, fear or resentment are often not resolved right away, and we carry those feelings around until they inevitably spew out of us onto the first available target...usually someone we trust, like our partner.

Do not allow yourself to be mistreated, but try to be patient in certain situations where your partner has had a bad day. Perhaps her sister made her really mad today and she didn't resolve the issue with her, so it's been brewing in your partner all day. She comes home in a bad mood and doesn't feel like going to your mom's for dinner. Let her vent and talk about ways in which she can resolve the issue, actively listening to her and resisting the urge to solve the problem yourself.

His boss has been riding him all day, and he's totally fed up. He got a flat tire on the way home and had to change it in the pouring rain. He got passed over for a promotion. Again. He slams the front door, and immediately goes into the bedroom, garage or other private place and shuts the door. He needs time to calm down, and figure out for himself how to solve his problems. Give him the time and space he needs to do just that...without interruption. When he comes out of his "cave," he will most likely be calmer, and then will be in a better state of mind to tell you all about it. Ask if he wants you to just listen or whether he'd like your input.

If you believe in the "Golden Rule" (do unto others as you would have them do unto you), then put it in action. Muster all the patience you can to support your partner through the tough times. I guarantee it will be reciprocated somewhere down the line.

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Pillow Talk
Remember the old saying, "Never go to bed angry?" It's solid advice. Bed time is never an appropriate time to start (or continue) an argument or discuss a problem. It's the time for winding down and literally putting the challenges and the worries of the day to bed.

The house is quiet, and the two of you are snuggled under the blankets and settling down for sleep. Face each other and quietly discuss the good parts of your day or things you're grateful for (come up with at least one thing). Then kiss goodnight and say "I love you." This kind of pillow talk is a wonderful way to close your day, and solidifies your bond so that you can face together whatever the next day brings.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: Q

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Quality of Life

The World Health Organization defines quality of life as "individuals' perception of their position in life in the context of the culture and value systems in which they live and in relation to their goals, expectations, standards and concerns." I suggest that you regularly examine the life quality of your relationship. Answer these questions separately, and then come together with your partner to discuss your answers.

Are you content with the quality of your life with your partner? Do you feel safe, loved, appreciated, and respected 99% of the time? Are you both "on the same page" as far as where your relationship is going? Do you have more good days than bad? Are you satisfied with the amount of love and support you receive from your partner, and do you reciprocate in kind? Are you individually and collectively working on clear-cut goals? If you are a student, are you taking full advantage of the opportunity that's been given to you...going to class, doing your work on time, studying, performing well on exams? Are you gainfully employed? If so, are you content with what you do? If not, are you taking specific steps to find another job that's more fulfilling? Do you make time to have fun?

Relationships take work. They need regular maintenance (and repairs when necessary) to keep them in good working order. So it's important to have regular check-ins with your partner to determine your life quality; the exercise above can get the conversation started.

Quietude

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Defined as "the state of being quiet; tranquillity; calmness; stillness," quietude is yet another element to defining one's quality of life (see above). It is essential not only to your personal health, but to the health of your partnership. It is an excellent stress reliever, and helps dealing with the world a little easier. Some people find it by sitting quietly for a minute, and just paying attention to their breath. Others take yoga classes. Meditate. Go for a hike in the woods, or a walk around the neighborhood. Listen to soothing music. Read for pleasure. Linger in a hot bath. Stretch out on a lawn chair or hammock. You can create quietude with any activity (or inactivity) that is uninterrupted and makes you feel calm and peaceful.

Make creating quietude a regular part of your routine. You say you don't have the time? Make the time. Your health (and that of your partnership) depends on it.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: R

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Reciprocity

Reciprocity refers to the generous and equitable give-and-take between people. Sometimes we give more and sometimes we ask for more. Giving more means that you're aware that something's going on with your partner, understand what they need either physically and/or emotionally, then take steps to meet those needs. This also requires that you are doing enough for yourself that you have something to give.

Needing something from your partner is the other part of reciprocity. You have to develop an awareness of yourself to know why and when you may need more emotional or physical attention from your partner. Once you have that awareness, you must have the confidence and trust to ask your partner for what you need. Your partner cannot read your mind and vice-versa. There has to open communication and awareness for reciprocity to occur.

Over time, assess the give-and-take status of your relationship. It should feel balanced and equitable in the long-run. If not, ask yourselves these questions: Are you doing all the giving and getting nothing back when you need it? Is your partner denying his/her needs to meet yours? Stay on top of this by talking about it when you're both calm and rested.

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Rituals

Like the beat of a song, rituals define the rhythm and tempo of life. They can be soothing, bring much comfort when the world seems chaotic, and provide structure to one's day. They are activities you can rely on. In the context of relationships, they represent both individuality and a sense of teamwork that glues couples together.

Some examples of rituals:

one cooks dinner, the other cleans up
one gets the kids ready for bed, the other makes the next day's lunches
one sings in the shower, while the other makes the bed
on every anniversary of your first date, he takes you to the place you had your first date
you kiss each other before leaving and upon returning

You get the idea. Rituals between couples show unity and collaboration. What rituals have you established with your sweetie?

Romance
Sending flowers, going on a date, mentioning how beautiful/handsome your date is, listening intently to what he/she says, eagerness to know the other better, making time to kiss, wanting to spend alone time together...these are examples of romantic gestures used in the beginning of a relationship to let the other person know we're interested. Romance brings couples closer together.

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Some relationship experts feel that romance cannot or should not be sustained a relationship; that it's unrealistic to expect to keep those happy, butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings going as the relationship matures, and the realities of life inevitably step in. I wholeheartedly disagree. I think that it's when couples are shoulder-to-shoulder, dealing with real-life, facing the challenges of working, paying bills, taking care of kids, going to college, etc., that romance can be much-needed respite to help them reconnect and be reminded of why they're together in the first place. I prefer to think of romance as an element of "relationship maintenance."

So, just as you make time for getting the oil changed every 3,000 miles, schedule a date night at least once a month. That's right, I said schedule...put it on your calendar, and treat it as an appointment that can't be changed--you cannot cancel it if something else comes up. If you have kids, find another couple with kids and trade off babysitting services so you won't have to shell out that money. If funds are really tight, find activities that are free or cost next to nothing, or send the kids off for a few hours and enjoy your alone time at home...it's not so much what you do, but that you're spending time together.

When planning your date, pick some of the activities you enjoyed doing when you first met--movie matinee, dancing at a club, rollerskating, hiking...whatever makes both of you happy. Focus on each other, and make a pact not to talk about anything that's causing stress in your lives. This is your special time where nothing else matters but the two of you.

Now, if you're feeling that once a month romance isn't enough for you, surprise your partner with small gestures of your love and appreciation...write a love note on the bathroom mirror (dry-erase markers work great), hold a kiss a few seconds longer than usual, make a batch of his favorite cookies that are his alone to eat.

Remember, also, that romance is an emotional gift you give to each other (such as bringing your hearts closer together), and is best executed when it's not motivated by expectations that you'll have sex (although couples do report that they believe their partner is sexiest when he/she is romantic, and physical intimacy results.)

The most important payoffs for planning romance is you'll have something fun to look forward to, your emotional connection will be rejuvenated, and your batteries recharged enough to get you through your busy life...until your next date night.

(c) 2012 Robyn M. Posson

ABC's of Healthy Relationships: S

Self-Esteem

In truly healthy relationships, your belief in yourself stays strong (and often increases) as you grow together. You feel good about yourself and how your partner treats you.

Sexual Fulfillment

At the risk of stating the obvious, sex is a vital component of healthy relationships: it creates an intimate bond, is an expression of your love for each other, an excellent stress-reliever, it feels good and it's fun!

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Ideally, you are both giving and receiving the amount of sexual intimacy you each need. Sometimes a couple's desires temporarily get out of sync. However, if one of you--over time--wants less or more than the other, or wants to do it in a way that your partner isn't comfortable with, it's time to have a sit-down and discuss it openly when neither of you is upset. Like anything else in building a healthy relationship, honest and non-threatening communication is way to best come to a compromise. Define what sex means to you, state your needs and wants honestly to your partner, and be very clear of what you're not willing to do. Then you will agree on a plan that works for the both of you.

Get comfortable discussing sex regularly. Check in to see if your partner is feeling fulfilled, understanding that your plan can be tweaked at any time--with both parties in agreement. If after attempts to create a plan fail and you're still not on the same page sexually, seek the help of a professional...and not necessarily a sex therapist. In lots of cases, the issues that get in the way of a healthy sexual life have little to do with sex. If this is where the two of you are at, make this important investment in your partnership together.

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Social Skills

A healthy couple enjoys being together in public, either with friends and family, or out on their own. They are free to spend time with others and not feel that their relationship is threatened. The desire to introduce each other to friends and family members should exist. Mutual respect is a requirement, and that respect is reflected in how others are treated. There is no name-calling, screaming, degrading, embarrassing or nasty words or behaviors. Disagreements are considered personal matters, and are dealt with in private with the goal of a win-win result. Good manners are commonplace; the "best foot forward" behaviors demonstrated in the early days of dating continue. Every.day.

Surprises

Think back to the time when someone threw you a surprise party. How did that feel? Hopefully, after the initial shock faded and your heart rate returned to normal, you felt pretty special. The people in attendance thought enough of you to spice up your day and show how much they love and appreciate you.

Healthy couples enjoy sharing little, unexpected selfless gestures of love and appreciation, too. Surprises don't have to cost a lot of cash, but do take a bit of effort to plan: a card sent to her office, a note tucked in his coat pocket, a single flower on her windshield, arranging for uninterrupted time (and a tray of snacks) so he can watch a football game, making dinner so she doesn't have to (and doing the dishes).

Remember that the motivation behind surprising your sweetie is love and appreciation...and not from a sense of obligation, guilt or wanting something in return. And for heaven's sake, don't say, "Look what I did for you!" That's a dead giveaway that you're looking for brownie points for yourself, rather than making your partner feel special. Allow your main squeeze the pleasure of showing you how much you're appreciated in return.

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